The Waiting is the Hardest Part

I should be doing my homework right now.  But, I am not.  I have 3 assignments due tomorrow night by midnight.  I printed them up, but they remain safely nestled in my class folder sitting on my bed.  Why am I not doing them?  Because, quite frankly, I do not care.  I have other things on my mind.
About 2 weeks ago, I started having menstrual cramps.  But, I have not bled.  This is unusual, because I have not had a period for 4 years.  I let it go a week, then I called the doctor.  I had my appointment this past Tuesday.  They examined me, did a full pelvic exam and pap smear.  She also screened my urine for a possible urinary tract infection.  She said she should hear something by today, Thursday.  But, so far nothing.
I had to take my mom to her this morning.  She is having more debilitating pain in her left knee.  While I was there, I asked about my lab work.  Nothing back yet, I was told.  So, I called at at 3:45pm, right before they close.  Nothing back yet, the nurse said again.  Okay, I am freaking out now.  My doctor is not in tomorrow, so that means I have to wait until Monday.
I don't know if they know this, but you don't tell a person with an anxiety disorder to wait.  It is truly killing me.  The worst possible diagnosis has engraved in my brain.  Something bad came back with my pap smear.  I have cervical cancer.  I just know there is something wrong with me.  Otherwise, the tests would have come back already.
I am so wrapped up in this, I cannot concentrate on anything else.  Of course, I am worrying over nothing, right?  The lab is just slow.  They are backed up.  I am trying to convince myself that is the case.  But, in my heart, I know it's not true.  I just need it confirmed. What will I do if I have cancer?
First, I have to figure out a way to tell my mom, as I did not tell her about the cramping.  It's still going on by the way.  I bought some specialized medical insurance several months ago.  It covers heart attack, stroke and cancer.  So, I think I am okay financially.  It's the chemotherapy that scares me.  I don't want to be sick.  I want to finish school, go to church, visit my father and a million other things.  I know that cancer treatment has advanced, but I've always heard the cure is worse than the disease.
This is all my fault for not taking good care of myself.  If only...
But, I can't turn back time.  I can't change anything I've done.  I can change the future.  So, I have been praying for healing of an unknown illness, and strength to go through whatever God has planned for me.  I know, you are probably saying, she is blowing this way out of proportion.  It's true, I have a tendency to do that.  But, I know my body, I know when something isn't right.  There is something going on within me.  Besides, I had originally thought ovarian cancer.  I was one of those women who put baby powder in her underwear everyday.  Plus, both are rather difficult to diagnose.  So, how can I be sure?
So, I wait and worry, worry and wait.  I have a feeling I won't get my homework done this weekend.  I'll do it for tomorrow night, but it won't be my best effort.  How could it?  I don't really care.
I'll keep you posted on how everything goes.  In the meantime, you'll probably see a couple of more posts from me.  All I'll be doing is waiting and wondering and thinking too much.  Please pray for me.
Peace, Joy, Love
Bev

The Letter Never Sent

Dear Family and Friends,

If you are reading this, I am dead.  I have taken my own life by overdose.  I know you are shocked, dazed and confused.  I know you have questions.  But, let me assure you of one thing, this is NOT your fault.  It's no one's fault, except mine.  This has nothing to do with what anyone did or said.  Nor is it the fault of what you didn't do or say.  This was my choice.
The truth is, I simply couldn't handle it anymore.  Mental illness is not like they portray in the movies or on TV.  I did not make cute or funny remarks.  I did not fall in love with someone who broke my heart.  I was not the wacky neighbor next door.  No, I was very broken and living in a state of perpetual agony.  Death comes as a sweet release from all the pain.
I wish I could explain it better.  But, I lived my life in a constant panic.  What was I afraid of?  I was afraid of everything and nothing.  There were days where I could conquer the world.  There were days, too many, where the very sight of the sun filled me with dread.  I could not breathe, I could not see, and I could not hear all of the things that the wondrous works of God had set before me.
I know I have sinned by doing this, for I broke a commandment.  But it wasn't the first time.  The first time was when I allowed myself to believe the words of the enemy, and turned my back on God.  There are 3 other occasions when I attempted suicide, but God, in His wisdom, saved me from myself.  He told me that He loved me and had great blessings in store for me.  I believed Him.
But this time, the world got too big, and I could not hear Him with all the voices in my head.  They drowned out the Word of the Lord.  I could not find Him, and I was so tired of looking.  I cried out to Him, but I guess He did not hear me.  If He did, I was not there.  I was lost at sea, swept up in a hurricane and tossed about like sticks.  The waves were so high.  Believe me when I tell you I tried to hold on to something, anything.  But, finally it was just too much and I let the riptide pull me under.
What do I expect you to do now?  Nothing.  Just go on and live your lives as people do.  If you want to, light a candle and pray for my soul so I do not spend eternity in Purgatory.  I'm sorry if I've left a hole in your lives, but it cannot compare to the gaping cavern that was in mine.
I loved with my whole heart.  I felt too much.  I gave too much.  As a result, I hurt too much.  You cannot imagine greeting each day with fear.  Not knowing if you will be able to get out of bed.  Sometimes, it took me hours just to convince myself to shower.  I literally sat there talking to myself, trying to decide if standing under some cleansing water would be in my best interest.  Most of the time, I decided it wasn't and went back to bed.  The only really safe place in the world for me, besides my mother's arms, was my bed.  I snuggled under my covers to read and to dream.  There were no questions, no pitiful looks, no uh-oh there she goes again phrases.  No one told me to snap out of it, or get it together and no mirrors.
Believe me, if you thought I looked bad sometimes, you cannot imagine how I felt about myself.  I loathed myself.  To me, there was no one uglier, disfigured or more horrible to look at than me.  Sure, I could look normal, but on the inside there was a grotesque figure of a woman that deserved to be killed.
I ask that someone look after my mom.  She has been through too much with me.  She won't understand that this was necessary.  I was such a heavy burden.  She will miss me the most I think.  As for the rest of you, I ask you to keep your pity.  There was nothing you could have done.  I had once pulled suicide off the table.  But, this time it was the only option.  My heart was in so many pieces trampled on the ground, that no one could have put them back together.  So, with that, I say that I am sorry.  I'm sorry I left my family behind to deal with my mess.  I'm sorry if I've hurt you in any way.  Maybe, I just wasn't supposed to be here in the first place.  Please do not be angry with me.
Just be happy for me.  The nightmare is finally over.  The demons said "come" and I went.  I couldn't fight anymore.  I've been fighting all my life.  It was time.  The deed is done.  Peace be with you all.  I loved you all more than you know.  Peace, Joy, Love - B

Ramblings of a Crazy Girl

I see my psychiatrist tomorrow.  Do I tell him how I really feel? I suppose I should, but I don't want to go to the hospital.  You see, for the past 2 days I have been contemplating suicide.  I have been writing letters in my head and figuring out the best way to do it.  That, my friends, is a one way ticket to at least a 7 day stay in the local psychiatric facility.
I am all despair.  I have homework to do and can't seem to get my thoughts together.  I am having problems concentrating again.  I have an assignment due tomorrow night, but don't think I will make it to class.  The world has become a scary place.  Birds singing sounds like fingernails scraping a blackboard.  The TV gets on my nerves as well.  I can barely read in my bible, the concepts too hard to comprehend, even though I have a study bible.
I bought some string lights from Target, so I don't have to sleep with the lamp on all night.  It gives the right balance of darkness and light to my room. so I can sleep well.  I still wake up tired though, the dread of a day's activity falling over me like a cloak.
I can't talk to anyone without crying.  So, tomorrow's doctor visit should be fun.  The only thing keeping me going is my anticipated trip to my father in December.  I really need him now, but that is not possible unless I drop out of the semester. which I can't do.
There is a virus of fear eating me on the inside, and I don't know what to do.  So, I stay in my room, only coming out to go to the bathroom, eat and smoke.  I can go out onto the porch.  It is screened in, so it is still within my living space.  If I go outside the apartment, I feel eyes on me.
I wish I could laugh again.  I haven't laughed in a long time.  I feel like I am disappearing.  All that is left is a sack of depression.  I pray all the time.  I wonder if God ever gets tired of hearing from me.  I told him my name and address last night, just in case he forgot me.  Yesterday being a big day and all.  Mother Theresa became a saint, so maybe heaven has been busy getting ready.
I have to go now.  I need to go to the bathroom.  I didn't want to say anything important, sorry if I bothered you.  I know you have more important things to do than than read the rambling thoughts of some crazy girl.  Thanks for your time.  Peace, Joy, Love - B

The Psychiatrist, the Demons, and Me All Walked into a Bar....

I went to see my doctor after the demons came.  It did not go well.  I don't think he believed me.  I told him what happened and he said it had to happen more frequently in order for him to do anything. I was dumbstruck.  I took it to mean that I had to be utterly terrified on a weekly basis for him to help me.  I tried to explain what I was feeling and he got mad at me.  I started to cry.  I told him that they were always there. 

He said to me, "Now, I feel like you're being manipulative, first you tell me it only happened one time, now you're saying they are there all the time.  What's the damn truth?!!"  How does a person respond to that?  Here I am telling my PSYCHIATRIST what's going on with me mentally and emotionally and I get scolded like some child!

I didn't say anything after that.  I have no idea what he was talking about. How was I being manipulative?  Because I cried?  That happens a lot at a mental health office, I hate to tell you doc! What would have happened if I was being manipulative?  Did he think I wanted more drugs?  Yeah, right, like I need more pills.  I don't want to be so drugged up that I become non-functional.  I've been there before.  It turned me into a 279 lb. sobbing mess.  All I did was sleep and cry and eat.  I had to go to the hospital to get weaned off all the drugs I was taking!  Turns out they were at toxic levels to boot!  

I talked to my fellow mental peers about it. I talked to my priest about it.  I was feeling so distressed about the bad feelings I was having towards my doctor, that I felt I had to go to confession.  I prayed over it.  In the end, I forgave him for his harsh words, because the bitterness was beginning to fester. I talked to my therapist about it this week and she apologized on behalf of the practice.  Get this, there is no mention of the encounter in that visits notes.  He probably doesn't even remember.

I thought briefly about finding a new doctor, but good psychiatrists are hard to find in this area.  He is good at what he does, even though his bedside manner sucks.  

Anyway, I sleep with the lights on now.  I pray every night, and ask God to send a band of angels to stand around my bed and to send the Archangel Michael to slay the demons if they do come.  It's working.  I haven't had a nightmare or anything since.  I'd say it was a case of faith in God over faith in science. 

I see him again on the 6th.  I don't think I'll be bringing up the topic again, unless of course something happens between now and then.  But, I don't think it will.  I just got a couple of new books of daily and nightly devotions to read before I say my prayers.  I constantly keep Jesus on my mind and in my heart.  My faith is increasing all the time.  Is it unshakable?  Of course not.  I expect things to come up to try and break me.  But, I am a much stronger person than I was last year.  Now that school has started again, I'm much too busy to fret over little things.

I submitted my first assignment today in one of my 2 classes.  It's not due until midnight tomorrow but I wanted to get it done and out of the way.  Besides, I have 3 articles and journal entries to make for my other class due next Tuesday.  Plus, it's time for football!!!  I'll do Adoration on Friday nights, mass on Saturday nights, and watch football on Sunday afternoons.  I'll be doing homework during the week.  I'm still not working, since I don't think I am strong enough yet.  I've what you might say is semi-stable for all of 2 weeks.  All in all this wasn't a good summer for me.  

I'm hoping now that I have concrete things to focus on, I won't go into a depression, but I have to watch my anxiety levels as well.  Too much anxiety and I'll have a panic attack, which then paralyzes me for the whole day.  They last at least 2 hours, and then it's another 3 hours before I can function normally.  The anxiety also sets my blood sugar out of whack.  It's been running kind of low lately, so I have to make sure I eat healthy meals throughout the day, whether I'm really hungry or not.  But, I also can't go over my calorie intake allowance for the day, because I am trying to lose more weight.  I'm trying to get to 175 lbs. I am currently at 233 lbs.  The days are getting cooler so I can finally get outside and walk consistently.  As long as I'm not experiencing some anxiety driven agoraphobia, that is.  Anyway, I continue to pray for humility, patience and strength of faith.  I lay all my anxieties and fears at the feet of the Lord.  If it is a case of faith over science, I am to be on the side of faith.

Peace, Joy, Love - B 

The Demons Came

They came for me in the wee hours of Sunday morning.  The Dark Man, the Old Crone, the Bald Man, the Black-toothed Man and the Witch, they are the Shadow People who normally come when I am in a deep depression.  I have not been depressed lately.  The past couple of weeks, I have been feeling pretty well.  But, they can anyway.

This time they called my name, waking me out of a deep sleep.  I saw them fully, and smelled them in their dirty stinking rags, their breath like death.  I saw the hands like bones, covered with a thin, oozing layer of skin.  The long broken yellowed nails with who know what kind of dirt under them.

"Come with us" the Dark Man said.  I did not go.  I pulled the covers over my head so they couldn't see me.  Like a child, I figured if they couldn't see me, they would go away.  They called my name again, then they went away.

When I woke up, they were no longer standing around my bed.  It was daylight. and they don't come out in the daylight.  When it's daylight, they linger in the corners.  If I look closely, I can see them in the corner of my eye.  They are demons, come to take me to the deep pits of the netherworld.  They hiss and whisper lies to convince me that God is not real, that there is only them.  I have been working to strengthen and increase my faith.  I recently signed up for an hour of Adoration of the Eucharist.  I have been praying the Holy Rosary of the Blessed Virgin Mary every night.  Is that why they came?  Did they come to shake my faith to the point of utter despair?  They wish me to turn my back on God, and go back to the way it was before I found the Church.

When they whispered to me before, I used to listen.  I would stay in bed, crying, feeling worthless believing that no one, especially God could love me.  I was lost in the storms of confusion, and lifelessness.  But, I am not that person anymore.  I think I made them angry.  That's why they came.

I am going to see my psychiatrist tomorrow because this was a new experience.  I never saw them all gathered together before, and they never called my name.

I went to my mother in the morning, and told her "they're back".  It had been such a long time since I heard them, and I was terrified.  I don't want to go on some horrible anti-psychotic medication, and I am definitely not going to the hospital again, unless I have no other option.  I made my mother cry.  I could hear her weeping to my aunt in the other room.  I hate it when my mother cries.  I hate causing her worry.  

My aunt convinced me to go to 12 noon mass with her and my mom.  So I did.  I took a clonazepam, and took a hot shower.  It was a different church than the one I attend, but it is a catholic church.  I received communion and felt replenished.  Something about Holy Communion makes me feel complete and gives me courage.  I guess it's because I feel that the Lord is truly inside of me.  I felt better after mass.  I called my dad later and told him what happened.  He wasn't home, so I left a message on his machine.  I called him today, and we talked about it.  He is going to call me on Wednesday to see how my doctor appointment goes.

Mental illness impacts not only the person with the disease, but all those around that person.  That's why it's so important to have a good support system in place.  I have a good one.  For that, I am truly thankful.  This only strengthens my resolve to follow in Christ's footsteps.  It did not break me.  I won't let it.  The Lord has work for me to do.  I intend to see it done.

Peace, Joy, Love - B

16 Days

In 16 days, I will be 51 years old.  I honestly don't know how I feel about it.  I guess in some ways I should be grateful, but in many ways I am not.  I look at other people and wonder how they got so lucky in life.  Why are they in love and I am not.  I am still single with no prospects in sight.  I have never been in a serious relationship.  I've never been told "I love you", except by family.  I have no children.  For goodness sake, I don't even have a pet anymore.
I am an old spinster living with my 76 year old mother and 74 year old aunt.  I don't have a job due to my bipolar illness, so I live on disability.  I am going to school part-time to get my BA, but I don't know what good it will do me.  It's just a personal goal anyway.
I guess I should be grateful for the things that God has blessed me with so far.  I have people that love me, I am back in school and I have a car now.  But somehow, I still feel an emptiness in my heart.  Part of me is still missing, and I cannot pinpoint what it is.  I just feel like there is a gaping hole in my soul that begs to be filled.
I had a pretty good week.  I made it to mass yesterday.  It was very inspiring.  It was all about storing up things in Heaven, instead of storing up things on earth.  Here I am today, whining for earthly things.  But, am I?  Love is not an earthly thing.  Is praying for financial help so I can take care of my family considered earthly?  I guess it is.  But, I only pray for it so I can make my family comfortable.  My father called me yesterday to ask me if I wanted his car.  I would just need to take over the payments.  I got this feeling in the pit of my stomach that my father needs money.  He would never admit it to me, but that's what I feel in my heart is true.  As I now have a car, I don't need one.  I can't afford the payments anyway.
After I talked to him, I smoked a couple of cigarettes.  Then I wept.  I prayed the Rosary, and I wept.  I cried in frustration, fear and anger.  I begged God to help me.  I called on the intercession of the Blessed Mother and St. Gemma to petition God to hear my prayer.  I will continue to do so until I get an answer.  In the meantime, when I get my student loan money, I will send my father something.  It's the best I can do right now.
It is 16 days until my birthday.  I wonder what I will do?  Maybe I will take the family to the Cheesecake Factory and obliterate my diet that day.  I haven't had any of their vanilla bean cheesecake in 3 or 4 years.  Maybe I will take myself to the movies.  I don't know.  I'm not feeling very celebratory this year.  I guess I should just be thankful for not being in the hospital for the past 2 years.  I am not going back no matter what.  But a lot can happen in 16 days.

I love Jon Snow

I have a tremendous crush on Jon Snow.  If you don't watch Game of Thrones, then you don't know of whom I am speaking.  If you do watch the show, then you know him.  Never has a character captivated so much.  I am currently reading the first of the five books of The Songs of Fire and Ice series by George R.R. Martin.  I didn't watch the show when it first came on because we didn't have HBO.  But then I upgraded our cable package to get it and other channels.
I watch it On-Demand because I don't stay up that late.  I like to watch it alone, but my mom and aunt like it too. Understand, my crush is not on Kit Harrington, the actor.  I first loved Jon Snow from season one, when he first took the black.  He learned hard lessons on the Wall, but still had hope.  He never forgets who he is or from whence he came.  With his faithful, fearless direwolf, Ghost by his side, he learned to fear nothing.
He is a true born leader.  Jon Snow was raised as the bastard son of Eddard Stark, but we got a hint of his true parentage in season five.  I hope through my reading, that I discover the truth, and that what I think it is, is the truth.  If true, then Jon Snow is the son of Rhaegar Targaryen, the king of the Seven Kingdoms before Robert Baratheon took the throne. He is also the half brother of Daenarys Stormborn, Mother of Dragons.  Could you just imagine if those two got together?  I think it would be fabulous!!!
I also admire Jon Snow's sense of honor and courage.  The way he banded together the wildings to fight for Castle Black instead of against it, was awesome.  He, together with his sister, Sansa Stark defeated Ramsey Bolton in one of the greatest battle scenes I have ever seen on film.  Jon fought for his life, struggling against all odds to free himself from the crush of bodies falling on him threatening suffocation.  He took back Winterfell and let Sansa feed Ramsey to the dogs.  I don't know whose death I enjoyed more, Ramsey's or Joffrey's.
He is also handsome and valiant.  Being easy on the eyes is always a benefit, and Kit is certainly that.  Jon Snow does want is right for his men and his family.  Not that he is perfect, because he isn't.  He has made mistakes, but he learns from them.  He never forgets betrayals and he always pays his debts.  No wonder he was called the King of the North.  He is a Stark, afterall.  It turns out that his mother was Lyanna Stark, Eddard's sister.  This we saw from Bran's visions.
I hope Jon finds Arya and Bran soon.  Arya is now an assassin, and Bran is the three-eyed raven.  So far, the executive producers have stuck very close to the books.  I am not worried about how the last two seasons will turn out.  I am sure it will be great.  Unfortunately,  my concentration is still a little off, so the reading is going slowly.  Normally, I would be on the third book by now.  But, as I said, I am still on the first book, which I hope to finish this weekend.  I will complete the series, that I promise.  I will read, and learn more about my crush, Jon Snow.  I haven't felt this way about a character since Aragorn in the Lord of the Rings trilogy.  I hope it turns out just as well.
Peace, Joy, Love - B

Help Me O God!!

Woe is me!! How long, O God must I endure these afflictions!?  I seek comfort in you, but cannot find You.  I wish to take shelter, but can find no refuge.  I pray to You, but cannot find the words that You might hear me.  Look into my heart and see my despair.  Look into my mind and see the whirling dervish of doubt and confusion.  I only took my eyes off of You for a moment, and in that moment I became lost.  Please light my path back to You! Lord, you said a good shepherd will leave the 99 sheep in his flock to go and find the one that is lost.  I am right here! Come for me, I beseech Thee!
I am so tired of the ups and downs, the great peaks and deep valleys of bipolar.  Each day is unknown.  Each minute a question.  I beg of you to make it stop.  One moment, I am happy.  The next moment besieged by fears so deep it makes me question my existence.
I do not cry often, but when I do, it is like a river overflowing.  The voices of the demons tell me that you do not love me.  I know that they are lies and I rebuke them.  But, when they whisper day after day, I begin to doubt and my heart is filled with sorrow.
I want to live Your truth, O Lord!  I want to be filled with Your Spirit and everlasting love!  Help me, Father!  Remove these chains from my heart and lighten my burdens.  Let me know that you have heard my cries.  Help me!  Please Help me!!  I love You.
B

Confessions of a Grammar Snob

I need to go to confession.  What is my sin?  It is the sin of pride, which is one of the seven deadly sins.  You see, I feel the occasional twinge of contempt for people I feel are beneath me.  It's horrible, I know, but when some people speak, I cringe at their obvious lack of education.

I am not perfect, but in my opinion, a person should try to be eloquent and well-spoken when writing or opening their mouths.  Nothing grates me more than seeing a person on television, usually on the news, who speaks with incorrect grammar to the point where it is on par with the broken English of foreigners.  Sometimes, on Facebook, a person may write they're or there, when the needed word is their.  Do we no longer teach English in schools?  Does the average person know what a pronoun is?  Or the proper use of an adverb?

I remember, when I was growing up, there was Schoolhouse Rock.  It came on during the Saturday morning cartoons.  Those short programs were fun, easy to understand, and taught me a lot.  Who remembers Conjunction Junction? Lolly, lolly, lolly Get Your Adverbs Here? Interjections?  Those songs still ring in my brain.

I think we should bring back Schoolhouse Rock.  It can help both kids and adults, who live in areas where getting a quality education is difficult.  I realize that things have changed in schools over the years, but I truly believe in my heart that kids are still kids, and that learning can be fun.  Instead of video games and iPhones, kids need to get outside and play, explore their imaginations, and be encouraged to read.  Need someplace to take your kids for a couple of hours?  Go to the library, for goodness sake!!  Let your child find something that peaks her interest.  Let them discover the joys of books; the look, the feel, the smell.  Help them learn to retreat into those places in their brains where dreams do come true, and new worlds are discovered.

Teachers today are under a lot of pressure to get good performance scores instead of educating.  So many kids are being passed along, and cannot even put together a proper sentence.  When I hear that, it makes my skin crawl.  This is our future, America.  A generation that can't spell, write cursive, or speak in public.  We our sending our children to college, if they can even get in, ill-equipped in basic skills.

I must confess, I was raised in a neighborhood that has a very long history of being one of the best school districts in the country.  So, I guess I am prejudiced.  I realize that not everyone is so fortunate.  I feel bad for those who live in areas where a proper education is not possible.  Hence, my sin of pride.  I have prayed for forgiveness and asked for the grace of humility whenever I pray the Rosary.

So far, my pride has not been tempered.  I have little tolerance for the ill-bred, ill-mannered, and poorly educated.  I must purge myself of this sin, if I wish to enter the Kingdom of Heaven.  The Lord judges our hearts, as wells as our deeds.

I need to do better on both accounts.  I need to look at people with compassion instead of contempt.  I am sometimes ashamed for them, when I ought to be ashamed of myself.  If I had more patience, something I pray for, I could be a learning aid.  I have no valid excuse as to why I do not do more to help my fellow man.  I am so afraid of people, and have difficulty trusting.  However, that does not give me a free pass to not help.  There are so many things I could do to make a difference.  I just need to swallow my pride and do them.

News Of The Day? Thanks, But No

I do not watch the news, even the local news I ignore.  There is always a body found, someone shot, a building exploding, traffic accidents, and police violence.  I only watch the news to get the weather report.  Then, I retreat back to the confines of my room or to the porch.  Does this make me one of the uninformed, ignorant public?  I guess so, but watching the news fills me with anxiety, anger and sadness.

Quite frankly, I cannot wait for the election season to be over.  Watching Hillary and especially Donald, fills me with so much disgust, that I am thinking of doing a write-in vote.  We are the laughingstock of the world right now.  Do we really want a bullying, petulant, hate monger like Trump to be the leader of the free world?  Or should we vote for a more composed, professional, capable, but a liar like Hillary into office?  I would rather see Hillary.  She is a liar, but then so are all politicians.  They all bend the truth to suit their agenda.

Where are the Jefferson Smith's as so aptly portrayed by James Stewart in "Mr. Smith Goes to Washington"?  Where are the spitfires who promise and do make real political change?  Everybody just makes promises to end hunger in America, help the homeless, cure cancer, protect our troops and secure our borders and end violence, but no one really does anything about it!  Our children are still going to school hungry, families are still trying to make ends meet, and Big Pharma is still doing a booming business.

Besides, I have other things to worry about.  For instance, my mom is in pain.  She has been in pain for over a week.  I am taking her to the doctor tomorrow as a walk-in because she can't get an appointment until next week.  I am worried that it may be something serious, like a blood clot.  Maybe it's my anxiety at work, but I keep on the lookout for signs of a stroke or heart attack.  I am also worried about my dad.  Here it is in the middle of summer and he is complaining that he sometimes feels a chill in the air.  Is he having difficulty regulating his body temperature?  I know that comes with age, but still I am worried.  I am going out to visit him in December to celebrate his birthday, Christmas and New Year's with him again.  I know he has people looking out for him, but I am his blood and would drop everything at once if he needed care.

I wish I could win the lottery, so I could build a house big enough for both of them.  One in a suite on one side of the house and the other in a suite on the other side.  I wish I could buy a whole street of houses to have all my family together, it would be like the Kennedy compound.  It's an old dream, fed by fear of abandonment.  I want to take care of everybody, so we could all be happy, and in turn I would have a real sense of security.

Oh well, there is a passage in the bible that says do not worry about tomorrow for tomorrow will take care of itself.  I need to remember that, because tomorrow is not promised.  With my being fat, a diabetic, and a smoker, tomorrow is really not promised to me.  But, I have always seem my smoking as a slow form of suicide.  I know full well what I am doing to myself.  I am not stupid.  I am naive, but not stupid.  I know I should probably be outside walking right now.  It would improve my mood, aid in digestion, and get the blood pumping to my brain as well as burning calories.  But, at present, I am afraid of people and the outdoors.  You never know who's out there.

That's another reason I don't watch the news.  People getting ambushed on the street, beaten and robbed.  People just walking by, or worse yet, standing there filming it instead of trying to help.

I don't want to be a statistic, but I already am.  Yet, I don't want it on screen as breaking news.

So, do I live in ignorant bliss?  No, not really.  I can still hear the news through my bedroom door.

I just choose not to watch it.  If I really want to tune out, I plug into Pandora and listen to Christmas music.  That always make me feel better.  I takes me back to times more innocent and to a safer place.  Isn't that what we all want, to live in a safer place?  Call me naive again, but I believe the world can get there again.  Only by moving forward in love.

Peace, Joy, Love - B

Lost Girl

Sorry, if I've been away for a while.  My mind drifted off and I had to go find it.  Truth is, I've been in a depressed state for a while and I haven't been in the mood to write,  In fact, I haven't been in the mood to do anything.
I stay in my room all day with the blinds closed, trying to shut out the world.  I make trips to see my doctor, therapist and go to Walmart to pick up my medication.  Usually, if I'm not in my room, I'm on the porch smoking.  I'm still smoking and drinking coffee.  It's become a highlight of my day.
I do go to mass though.  Every Saturday night.  Church is the only place where I feel complete.  Otherwise, I feel like I'm made of paper.  I just kind of drift around.  I did try to go out and be social this week, the result was an anxiety attack.  I just don't feel in control of my emotions anymore.  It's ruining my life.  It's too hot to go out walking, even in the morning.  I know that I should get some exercise to release some endorphins, but I just don't care anymore.
Needless to say, my diet is an epic fail.  I'm eating healthier, but I've only lost 2 pounds.  Again, lack of exercise.  I am really disappointed in myself, so the negative talk is really messing with my head.
I feel pretty good some days, but it doesn't last.  I'm going to drop my summer course, so I can get ready for fall semester.  I'll use the refund to go see my dad.  I need him, he's not a complicated man. Plus, I get to see his dog, Falcor.  It would be good to get away for a few weeks.
Well, I guess that's all.  I hope I get to sleep tonight.
Peace Joy Love
Bev

Orlando

Today is Tuesday.  Two days ago it was Sunday.  I get up on Sunday morning to have breakfast and watch Sunday Morning.  Instead, I am watching breaking news on a mass shooting at an Orlando nightclub.  They had dead and wounded all over the inside of the club.  I saw some wounded being put into the back of trucks to be taken to the hospital.  All together, there are 49 dead and 53 wounded.  Some of the wounded are not expected to make it.
I can't describe my feelings on this news exactly.  I was shocked of course, but I can't say I was surprised.  I mean after all this has happened before.  Some madman with a gun goes into a place and kills a lot of people.  These people just happened to be part of the LGBT community.  That really doesn't matter to me.  It's the fact that so many people are dead that really upsets me.
I would hate to have the job of notifying families that their loved one had been killed.  Families are strange organisms.  What if some families didn't even know that their son or daughter was gay.  Some secrets are going to come out.  But mostly, it will be rivers of tears for the people that had jobs, lives, lovers, friends and families.  What will ease their pain?
I have learned the hard way that the old adage about time healing all wounds is not true.  It may lessen the pain, but you never truly forget.  I was able to, but not everyone can forgive.  But, I say this to the families of the victims, you must be strong and forgive who did this.  Otherwise, your lives will be consumed by bitterness and it will drive you to the brink.  To the survivors', guilt will be your companion for a while.  Seek help, then do what the killer tried to take away from you.  Live your life.  You will be happy again, you will fall in love and dance again.  Don't let this destroy you, if you do, the terrorist wins.
I can't watch the stories anymore.  It fills me with too much gloom and anxiety about the way the world is turning.  We are headed to a fiery destruction, filled with violence and hatred toward one another.  On Facebook, I posted the lyrics to Lenny Kravitz' Let Love Rule.  If we are going to survive, we need to learn to love each other.  Christ did not die on the Cross for us to destroy each other with hatred.  He wanted us to love each other.  Why is that so hard to do?
I'm not saying that we should like everyone we meet, you can't like everyone.  But we should be kind to one another and love each others as children of God.   It's called respect.  That is what everyone should get.  I know some people make it awfully hard to earn your respect, but at least try.  If they turn out to be mean, spiteful people, the let God deal with them, because he will.
One thing I don't understand is why it is so easy to buy an assault weapon.  Someone please explain to me why the average citizen needs an assault weapon.  Don't tell me it's for home defense, that's a crock.  There is no good reason why, and that's why I wrote my congressmen today asking them to ban the sale of military style weapons in this country.  You may disagree with me, but remember I too have the right to my opinion.
I did pray for the victims and their families, but frankly, I was disheartened.  I don't know what God's plan is for this world, but I think this is just the beginning.  Like it says in John, these are just the groanings of the earth, we will experience earthquakes, fires, floods, pestilence before the Lord comes again in Glory.  I think the earth is groaning pretty darn loud lately.  So, people you better prepare yourselves for the way of the Lord.  I don't know if he will be here tomorrow, or in this century, but He is definitely coming.  I am preparing my soul.  Are you ready?  I personally would rather know Jesus before the day of judgment than stand there and wonder where I'm going to end up.  I will pray to God tonight and the intercession of the Blessed Virgin Mary for peace in this world. It's the only thing I know to do.
Peace, Joy, Love - Bev