Sketches of a Bipolar Girl: Nobody's Little Girl Anymore

 

Tomorrow is Father's Day. I'm not doing anything but watching old movies. I don't celebrate the day, because like Mother's Day, I don't have a father. He's been dead for 4 years. This week was not a good week. I got angry several times and felt the need to reach out to my dad. Then I realized that my anger was towards my father. I haven't felt that in quite a long time. But there it was. I hated my life and everything about it because my father is not here to talk to. 

Please don't tell me he's always with me in my heart and my memories. This week that would have been met with a big "fuck off." I wanted him here, in the flesh and just a phone call away. I just needed a hug, to feel like I did when I was little. I felt safe and warm and loved. I needed that this week. I didn't get it. I got hugs from Erica, but I initiated it. Still she hugged me back, but it wasn't enough. I wanted to hear my father's voice and hear him call me Tinker. 

It doesn't help that the so-called man in my life is not trying to see me or talk to me. He's always too busy. He's aways sorry, but it doesn't change anything. I sent him a text message saying basically that I didn't fault him for having a busy life, but he had to try harder for me. I don't know if I'm done or not. It makes my heart hurt to think that I met this great guy that checks off all the things on my list, but one. I should have put at the top of the list that my husband will always have time for me. I don't think I was too demanding. I even offered to make the trip to his place to hang out. But, I forgot it was Father's Day weekend, so naturally he'll be with his kids and grandkids. Even still he didn't even suggest a day. I got no response. So, I guess I'm done. I am sad about it. I really like him. 

So what's it like to be an orphan in your 50's. It sucks. It hurts to lose one's parents no matter the age one might be. I don't go to church on the holidays for mothers, fathers or grandparents. I just don't want to hear the sympathy in people's voices or look at the pitying looks on their faces. 

I wish heaven had visiting hours. I'd be there every weekend. Well, in the beginning I would be. I imagine, I wouldn't visit so much after the years that they've been gone. But, boy I would like to visit my parents. They don't visit as much as they used to. I see cardinals outside the window, but they don't stay long. They just come by for the food. Every once in a while, one will look at me for a long time. I know it's one of my parents. I used to look for the stars at night, but I don't see them anymore. They come out more in the winter. Plus, I used to look for them when I smoked, but I don't do that anymore. 

I won't be in church tomorrow when people honor the fathers. It would be like rubbing salt in a papercut. I just don't feel like dealing with the pain. I think I will watch Smokey and the Bandit or the Blues Brothers, as those are 2 of my dad's favorite movies. 

I was going to send David some flowers, but I don't have the money or the inclination. Maybe I'll send him some later. But maybe I should give up. I don't know what to do. Why does life have to be so hard. Maybe I'll win the lottery tonight. I could certainly used $80 million. I just want to get out of this apartment and buy a new car. Our plan for new money management is not working so far because of me. I have no idea what I'm doing. I think I only make around $980 per pay. That's once all the deductions come out. I'll have to see on my next paycheck. Maybe one day, I'll get a full check. I was and hour late this week because of the maintenance man. So, I only worked 39 hours. 

I almost quit my job. I'm bored and frustrated. When I'm bored I get easily distracted. I told my supervisor that I wanted the appeals specialist position but know I don't qualify. He said to give him 6 months of hitting my metrics and he'll put me on track to make it happen. I guess I'm not getting my level 2 anytime soon. I've been actively applying for other jobs, but nothing is happening. My resume looks good to me, but I guess it sucks. Oh well, that would make sense. Everything sucks right now. Not me, I'm still fabulous. lol 

Peace, Joy, Love - BB

Sketches of a Bipolar Girl: Bitter Pills to Swallow

 

I forgot to take my meds yesterday morning. As a result, I was cranky, emotional and didn't give a flying fuck about my job. I honestly though about just quitting yesterday. The only thing that stopped me was the fact that I've been sending out resumes, but haven't gotten any responses. The job I really want as a medical claims examiner for Cigna is going to be a few more weeks before I hear anything. I'm hoping I can hold out until then. The past few days, I have been really hating my job. Of course, I felt this way one day last week also. I forgot to take my meds one day last week. Callers have been getting on my last nerve. So, I guess my meds are keeping me on an even keel. Without them, I turn into a bitch of major proportions. 

I haven't talk to David in a few days. Mainly because he is too busy for me. I'm very disappointed. He check off all my boxes. Unfortunately, I forgot a box: My husband will make time for me. I feel that if a person wants to be in your life, he will make the time. There is no such thing as too busy. Besides disappointed, I feel a little bit perturbed. I mean if you don't have the time to date, why go on a dating sight. The other day, I offered to come down to see him on Sunday. I got no response. I eventually said never mind because I forgot Sunday is Father's Day. He'll be with his kids no doubt. Again, too busy for me. Am I the asshole here? We've been talking for a month now. Is it unreasonable to think it is definitely time for us to meet. All I'm asking for is a cup of coffee and some conversation, which he says he wants also. But evidently, I'm the only one willing to make time. Oh well. I'll text him on Father's Day, I guess. I was going to send him flowers, but I changed my mind. It would be me making the effort again. I decided that if I keep at him, I will be giving off an air of desperation. 

I suppose, I will need to reactivate my dating profile and try again. It's kind of sad. I'm still getting married next year, I just need to find the right man. Oh well, it was fun. Then again, I'm not sure I should give up just yet. All those boxes. 

My money situation isn't any better. I got paid and it's gone already. I wasn't able to send Erica the money. I had to pay a $350 bill that was past due. I'm not paying anyone shit next month accept giving money for rent. I have about $100 to my name and I still have to buy food. I wish I could just have someone give me an allowance and let them pay my bills. On paper I should have money. I need a clean slate. I swear, they should teach a class called Adulting 101 that teaches activities of daily living, household budgeting, and basic car and home repair. I know I would have taken it. If I had learned budgeting and financial responsibility, I wouldn't keep getting into these financial messes. 

I did take my meds today. All 7 medicines and 6 supplements. Hopefully today will be better. It should be, because I'm in training from 12-3, and then a meeting from 3-4:15. Then I have lunch until 5. So in total, I'll be on the phone for about 4.5 hours. I hope it's slow. I bombed my quality this week. I hate the stupid script I have to follow. I'm always forgetting something. I don't know who came up with the quality scorecard, but it's bullshit. I hate our systems. They are so old, and half the time they don't work right. 

Well, I guess this is it. I'm feeling a little bit better. Zelda has parked herself between me and my keyboard. She's fast asleep. I may take a little cat nap myself. 

Peace, Joy, Love - BB

Sketches of a Bipolar Girl: Hell has Frozen Over Again!!!!

 

I don't believe it! I honestly do not believe it. We had another budget discussion. Yes, I was the center of it again and my money woes and my not working for a few days last week. But, you'll never guess what was decided, because I'm still having a hard time comprehending it. 

It has been decided that we are going to all contribute to the household bills. That's right, ALL of us are going to contribute to the rent, car insurance and electric bill. Why weren't we doing this before? That's simple. I had my social security to pay the rent before, now I don't. They actually had to pay the rent this month because I didn't have the money. 

It works out to a contribution of $661 per pay period or $1322 per month. Which mathematically leaves me with about $1300 to pay my other bills. Of course, that means I have to force myself to work even when I don't feel well. I missed 2 days of work last week due to migraines. I got some new medicine to help with them. It as needed, so we'll see this week. Watch, I probably won't get a single headache this week. Which is fine with me. I had a nosebleed with one of them. I'd rather not go through that again. However, it does put some pressure on me. I have to be at work everyday for the next month to build up some PTO, I don't see how some people do it. This job is so frustrating. It's also BORING. All I do is verify benefits for providers. Every now and again someone calls about a claim, but I've ended up transferring it, because the need to resubmit with information or it's a COB issue. I'm just a level 1 still, so it's level 2 work. I'm not even trying to do level 2 work because I'm not getting paid for it. I'm at the point now where I just do what I need to do. 

I don't know why it's taken so long for them to come up with the idea of having a common account to pay all the bills. Especially since I have been accused of misappropriation in the past. I was paying my bills with my money and asking for help with the rent, but nobody listed to me. Now all of a sudden it's a good idea?! In addition, I'm not in charge of the common account which I like. Erica is going to do it. I gave her the info to access the online accounts for everything. If this works out, I'll be able to payoff my other bills without help from Jerald. I sent him my information last week for him to look over, but he hasn't gotten back to me yet. I have to let him know about this economic summit meeting. 

So, it seems that hell hath frozen over for the second time this year regarding Erica. First, she reconciles with her father, and now she's taking over the household finances. Things are happening it's almost scary. Of course, this time next year, I won't be here. I plan on getting married. I don't know if it's to David, yet, but I know I'm not living here. I may just pack up my shit and go. I think I'm finally ready to fly out of the nest. 

I still have the social security office to deal with. I appealed their decision, but I haven't heard anything yet. I may have to go back on disability if this migraine crap doesn't settle down. I may need to find a different doctor. 

Things with David are going well. We facetime now. I'm still asking questions. I found a list of question online. But, I've already asked a lot of questions which we discussed. We talked about religion yesterday. He's not religious but he does believe in Jesus. He doesn't go to church every Sunday. He attends a Pentecostal church. He doesn't believe in labels. So my being catholic is of no consequence to him. It is a little disappointing. I did want to be married in the church, literally and figuratively. But, I'll be married at a different place. I'm making plans just in case. But, I had a flash that I'd be getting married at city hall and having a dinner party later. I'm still getting my dress. That I will not compromise on that. 

Oh well, another week has begun. I haven't done a thing this weekend. I even missed Mass. I took my shower at 10:30. I was sleepy this morning. I know that's no excuse but I knew I'd go and not pay attention. I do need to pray, so I will. 

Peace, Joy, Love - Queen B  

Sketches of a Bipolar Girl: Parade of Migraines

 

About 6 months ago, I started having migraines. I had never had a migraine until then. I've had headaches, but nothing like this. I have vestibular migraines. I have normal migraine pai, but I also have ear pain and pressure. The migraine makes me sensitive to light and loud noises. I have to lay down with an ice pack on my head in a darkened room with no noise. I usually turn on the fan for some white noise. 

No one can tell me where these headaches originate or what triggers them. I just now that they started when I started experiencing vertigo. That was also 6 months ago. I have had a migraine 3 times this week. I take my medicine, but they still come. I don't know what else to do. My doctor gave me a list of foods to avoid which may trigger migraines, and gave me the name of a supplement formulated for migraine relief.  

I did call my neurologist, but I can't get in for a month or so. I have an appointment on 7/22. I have to call on Monday to see if there are any cancellations. I can't do this anymore. I thought the vertigo was bad, but this is by far worse. These headaches are debilitating. I can't see straight. my ears get clogged and it's affecting my speech patterns. Sometimes words on a page get jumbled. I told all this to the doctor, and apparently it's not uncommon. 

Needless to say, I have missed work because of it. I applied for a claims examiner job today. It's with Cigna, and it is just what I am looking for. I really hope to hear from them. This job at Delta is getting to me. I have no passion for it at the moment. I liked my old team better. Now, all I do is take provider calls, and I don't like it. I'm still trying to get my level 2. 

I wish someone would tell me something, I'm so tired of getting sick. My relationship with David is moving forward. We have progressed to talking 3 or more times per day including face time. We plan on a beach weekend trip next weekend. I told him I picked our wedding date, he said it was kay with him. He is my man, and I am his woman. We have a lot in common. I think this is it. Of course, I'm not in love, but I'm in serious like, and a little lust. I manifested him, and he came. I am manifesting my wedding. I have a list of things I like. I have a folder title 4/4/2026. That's the date. It's my mom's birthday. I figured since she is gone, I will honor her by making her birthday my anniversary. 

I am sending David some flowers for Father's Day. It's funny, but I'm the talkative one in our relationship. I find him so easy to talk to. I feel very comfortable and safe. That's unusual for me. Usually, I am more fearful, but that was a few years ago. I love myself a lot now, and I know what I want. So far, David checks off all the boxes. He is everything I want. 

Well, that's all for now. Peace, Joy, Love - Queen B 

Sketches of a Bipolar Girl: The List

 

I've decided that I want to be married. Hence my foray into the dating scene. I mentioned before that I had met someone. Well, not really met yet, but talking on the phone for about 3 weeks now. He was supposed to call me tonight when he got home. That was 2 hours ago. The last time this happened, all hell had broken loose at his house. I can only imagine what happened tonight. In any event, I am only slightly perturbed. I guess I'll try calling him tomorrow morning. He's up at 2 am for his work out. He's in bed by the time I get off work. 

I did explain that he would need to carve out sometime for me. I need attention. I need to be encouraged, supported and touched. I am a very affectionate person, so when we finally meet I expect hugs. Right now, I'm just trying to get some face time. That was suggested to me today, that we should Facetime each other. 

I am seeing Stephanie again as my therapist. She was my therapist for 2 years, but I left because I wanted in-person therapy sessions. It went okay, but it was kind of inconvenient because Diane was all the way across town. So, I contacted Dr. Peters and it was like getting in touch with an old friend. We talked for over an hour. I told her what I had been up to and what my plans were. All in all, I am doing 1000 times better than when I last saw her. She gave me an assignment; to make a list of what I wanted from my husband. So, I made a list of what I want my husband to be and what I will give in return. It's nothing outrageous on unattainable. Will David check off everything, I don't know. But this is what I want. 

 My Husband.....                                   As a Wife.....

will be spiritual                                    I will be Godly

will be intelligent                                 I will engage in meaningful conversations

will have a sense of humor                  I will be light-hearted

will be taller than me                           I will keep in shape

will be handsome                                 I will always try to look my best

will love animals                                 I will welcome his animals

Will be a good cook                            I will learn to cook better

will be neat and tidy                           I will keep a clean house 

will be a good provider                      I will learn to budget my money

will love to cuddle                              I will be affectionate

will be honest                                     I will be truthful

will be patient                                    I will manage my emotions 

will be encouraging                           I will be positive

will love family                                 I will be welcoming 

will love to slow dance                     I will be ready to dance anytime

will be a good lover                          I will make sure we are both satisfied

will be gentle                                    I will be non-judgmental  

 will like to travel                             I will be passport ready

Sketches of a Bipolar Girl: In Memoriam

 

Today is Memorial Day, the last Monday in May. It is a day when the United States pauses to reflect and remember the fallen heroes of our nation. It's not a happy day, but it has turned into a day of picnics and barbeques and pool parties. It the unofficial start of summer. It's also a federal holiday so most of us have the day off. 

I had hoped for a more positive weekend. I mentioned that I had been talking to a man named David. We talked last weekend about getting together today and doing something together, but that has not come to pass. In fact, I only got one text from him saying that he missed my call because he was busy with yardwork. I am now of the feeling that he does not wish to see me. Either that or his home has a yard like the gardens of Versailles. It brought up an old feeling. A feeling of rejection. When that feeling popped up, it also brought forth an image in my head. The image of a tired, depressed woman that secluded herself in a dark room afraid of the world dreaming of being in love. The old image of me. 

I studied her for a minute, and then I shut the door. I'm not that woman anymore. While I am tired, I'm not soul tired. I'm no longer a crushed, depressed person. I have my blue moments like a normal person now. I do not reject the world but embrace it. I have a positive message to spread to anyone who will listen. a message of survival, a message of hope, a message of love. You see, that other version of me hated herself and the life she was living, if you can call it that. I was merely existing. Many times I tried to snuff out that existence. But I survived and found a pretty wonderful person on the other side. 

I don't really dream of being in love anymore. I dream of sharing my love with another person and building a life together. There isn't a prince charming riding toward me to rescue me from my dire world, but a good solid man who wants to grow with me. I am a treasure waiting to be discovered and I will reveal myself to that man when he presents himself. 

Now, I have talked to several men, but they don't fit the bill for one reason or another. Most of the time it's because I had to chase them. I'm not a cop. I'm not chasing you around town to talk to you. If you want to be with me you will carve out the time to make me a priority in your life. If not, just say so and I will move on. So, far David and I were talking pretty well, but this weekend something changed. So, I guess I'm done. I will move onto the next person of interest to see if he is the one to peak my curiosity. 

Fortunately, I have not allowed my imagination to run wild and fallen in love. I now realize what love is, and how it should feel. Love should not make you feel panic or sad or guilt. Love should make you feel whole and good.

It's a good thing I learned from my mistakes, because the other me would have collapsed into misery and despair. I would have questioned my looks, my personality and my overall desirability. I would have turned myself into a monster in my mind's eye. A person so ugly on the inside that no one would have possibly wanted such a damaged, unlovable creature. However, I sad goodbye to her. I realized today that I never really gave her the proper send off. I never buried her. So I will do that today. 

To you, Beverly, the girl that hated her name. I want to say goodbye. There are a few things you should know before I close you off. You were so wrong about yourself. You were wanted. You were a surprise, but never doubt for a moment that you were wanted. You were your parent's doting daughter. The one who gave them joy and laughter. The one who listened and learned. You were a daddy's girl and your mother's friend. Also, look at yourself in pictures and in the mirror. You're beautiful. Your eyes large and deep. Your sweetheart mouth always ready to smile. People like you, they love your voice and the way you speak. You are intelligent and funny. You have so much to offer. You love the Lord and recognize finally that He loves you and will never leave you. You are His, and He lives deep within you. He has a plan for you, for your life. It involves the giving and receiving of love. You finally know what you want, and you have the strength to go for it. 

With that, I close the lid. I am ready to let you go to think of you know more. Although I'm sure you will try to raise your head again, you will not be able to shriek out in misery anymore. I've learned not to do that. So, goodbye Beverly. Hello, Bev. Enjoy your life. Congratulations on your success. I'm not going to miss you. 

Peace - B 

Sketches of a Bipolar Girl: The Quest for Peace

 

Well, it's a 3 day weekend. I was excited about it until it actually got here. I did nothing yesterday. I was up for most of the night, finally falling asleep around 2:30 or was it 3 am. I don't remember. I woke up at 8:20 and fed the cats. I ate my breakfast and fell asleep on the couch. 

I was all set for a pleasant weekend and my stupid sister barked at me for no reason. Didn't say good morning or anything. She was just like, well, a bitch. They take for granted the fact that I wake up early, especially on the weekends. The cats eat around 6:30 to 7 am during the week. So, naturally, they want to eat at the same time on Saturday and Sunday. Since I get up first, I feed them. I also usually walk the dog, because Erica will sleep until 10 am, and he normally goes out at 7:30 am. However, if I don't do these things, they get upset with me. 

The fact that I'm averaging 4 hours of sleep a night doesn't matter to them. They fall asleep right away. It takes me a while to fall asleep, even though I take 300 mg of trazadone. I was tired, so I took a little nap this afternoon. They went to the movies, so I went to bed at 9:30 and slept until 11:30 but I woke up hungry so I got a bowl of cereal. Then my back started hurting. I took the last of my muscle relaxers before going to bed, so I'm just stuck with this pain. I popped 4 ibuprofen tablets about a half hour ago. I hope it works. I'd like to get some more sleep. 

I swear, going to sleep is like a quest for a long lost treasure. I have to go through a ritual to wind down. I have to wash my face, braid my hair and then watch my wind down show and fall asleep. I've tried falling asleep without the TV, but my brain starts to fire up the imagination machine. It starts to run a million miles per hour and I can't relax. The TV, particularly, Everybody Loves Raymond, helps me focus believe it or not. I read an article that said people who watch the same shows over and over suffer from anxiety and use the show as a way to relax because they know the outcome. I find this to be true. It's the same reason I watch the same movies over and over. 

I can only watch new movies during the day so I have time to process the information. I can't watch a new show or movie at night because it causes me to have dreams, sometimes not so pleasant. I also can't watch thrillers or psychological movies before bed. Basically, I can't watch anything that causes me to think because it causes anxiety and nightmares. Lately, my nightmares have caused my sleep apnea to act up. I wake up struggling to breath. 

I think the ibuprofen is kicking in finally. I'm getting sleepy again. Think I'll try to go to bed again. Wish me luck. I made an appointment with a new therapist for yesterday afternoon, but she didn't show. She said that the site must have had a glitch, but I'm like whatever. At any rate, I found availability with a former therapist, so I booked an appointment with her for Thursday morning at 9 am. I hope I make it. I prefer my appointments on the weekends, but I'm giving platelets on the 31st. That's a 2 to 3 hour ordeal. I may cancel it. I don't know. I didn't like it, it's not like giving blood which only takes 10 minutes. However, I want to help people, and there is an emergency platelet shortage. I consider it my monthly charitable donation along with ASPCA and Heifer International. Oh well, I'm out. 

Peace, Joy, Love - Bebe  

Sketches of a Bipolar Girl: Insomnia and Me

 

As you can see this post comes in the wee hours of the morning. After trying for several hours, I have given up on my quest for sleep. This is the 2nd night this week for which sleep escapes me. I wish I could say I don't know why this is happening, but I do. It's my old friend Anxiety. She decided to stay over for a while. 

How do I know it's anxiety? That's easy, I chewed up a bag of bubblegum in 2 days and I'm stress eating. If I still smoked, I'd be chaining. I ate a bunch of food around midnight. It wasn't junk food. I had a bowl of cereal and a banana. Then I ate a breakfast biscuit. I would have eaten a bag of chips if I had any. I didn't buy any junk food because I am trying to improve my eating habits. So far this week I've done pretty well. I actually been cooking and even having vegetables. 

I still don't know why I have so much anxiety. I suspect it's the job. It's boring. I speak to providers all day. I'm not taking calls from members yet. I suppose I should be glad of that. However, all of my calls are the same. I just verify benefits. I try to make it interesting, but I can't really get too deep because I'm just a level 1. If I ask questions on the team chat about something complicated, I'm told to transfer to a level 2. I still research the issue on my own time. However, there are times I'm glad I get to transfer it to someone else. I kind of like the calls where the provider can't find a member. I get to ask questions and research the person to see if they're in the system. 

I'm still missing things on quality. The damn self service referral is kicking my ass. I try to incorporate into my regular verbiage, but it just doesn't flow. I have a sticky note on my computer to remind me. Sometimes, I don't get to everything because I forget that I am the one who controls the pace of the call. This is especially true of third party callers. Most of them are from a foreigner, especially those from India. I don't understand them half the time, and they either talk too fast or mumble. I have learned to make them wait. I have to ask them to repeat themselves often. Some of them get frustrated. At times they have hung up on me, but fuck them. 

I try not to get discouraged, but at around 3 pm, my enthusiasm for my job wanes. I am pretty chipper in the morning. But by the time my lunch hour rolls around I couldn't really give a good goddamn. Today, I did a lot at lunch. I folded my laundry and put the dishes away. I took Kyber for a walk and still had time to eat my salad and watch a little TV. I'm trying not to sleep so much. Tomorrow, I'll probably have a cat nap. I don't have anything to fix for lunch. I'll have yogurt for midmorning snack. Since I already ate my cereal, maybe I'll have the last egg, bacon and toast. I bought some really good 12 grain bread. It's quite hearty. It makes a good sandwich. I could make tuna salad for lunch, but I don't think I have enough mayo. I'll have to check. 

My shoulder started burning again the other day. Is it possible to tear your rotator cuff twice? I see the doctor for what is supposed to be my discharge visit on June 10th. However, I have a bad feeling. I can lift my arm, but it hurts. I wouldn't care too much if it was just stiff or creaky, but it's really burning especially today. I had to put a lidocaine patch on it. 

I had scheduled some time off in June, but I had to cancel it because I don't have a PTO hours. I thought I'd be able to borrow them like I've done before, but my new supervisor doesn't do that. Also, I've been getting notices from Workforce Management about my adherence. Someone has been sending in system issue note indicating I'm not signed in for hours. I don't understand it, because I'm signed into the cloud at my start time of 11:20 until I sign off at 8 pm. I have to get to the bottom of it, because that's messing with my bonus money. I sent him an email about it, but I haven't heard anything yet. 

Things with David are going well. We talk here and there during the week because we both have busy schedules. He's a personal trainer and his first appointment is in the morning around 7:30 am. He was on his way to his last session tonight at 8:30 pm. I asked him if he normally worked that late, he said not usually, but he's expensive so he tries to accommodate his clients. He like the fact that I'm so much shorter than he is. I hope he doesn't mind my being a chubster. I can't really help it, except for my binge eating. I am limited in my activities due to my ankle, leg and back injuries. But once I get back to physical therapy I'm going to do strength training and figure out some kind of cardio I can do to burn some sugar and fat. 

I can't believe that he doesn't mind my illnesses. I told him about my diabetes, my bipolar, and my other things and he said he didn't hear anything to change his mind about me. He said his deal breaker is lying. Which is a good thing I'm pretty honest. I don't lie too often, except to April and Erica. Those are more sins of omission. But I'll admit that I have outright lied to them about taking time off. However, that has to stop, since I can't rely on my social security anymore, I have to go to work everyday, which I hate. I need at least 2 vacation days a month to keep from going bonkers. But now that I don't have any PTO built up right now, I'm stuck. I'm going to try to save up my PTO so I can do something special for my birthday. Hell, I'm still trying to get to Savannah. Maybe if things keep going well with David, he'll take me somewhere for a weekend. Did I mention he's 6'4" and very good looking? Well he is. He'll probably break me. I need to see my gynecologist. The last time I had sex, I had a tear and ended up bleeding. I have to make sure everything is cool down there and get some kind of lubricant or something. I can't believe how dry I am. Menopause bites. 

Well, I suppose I should sign off and try to get a couple hour of sleep. I'll talk atcha later. 

Peace, Joy, Love - Queen B 

Sketches of a Bipolar Girl: Royal Pain in the Ass

 

My ass is killing me. I'm out of hydrocodone. All I have are muscle relaxants. I took one, but I'm going to take another. My leg is spasming. I can't wait until I'm not in pain anymore. It was suppose to stop with the fusion of my sacroiliac. But I had the surgery on the 1st, and so far it still hurts. At times, like right now, it hurts worse than it did before. It's keeping me up. After sitting all day, I'm getting butt and right leg spasms at night. I get off at 8 pm. Right after I sign out, I walk the dog. That helps get movement into my hip and leg, but for some reason, tonight my ankle was swollen. God knows I drank enough water, so I don't know why it swelled. 

Today started off well enough for a Monday. I hated getting up. I slept on the couch last night because of my back, so I woke up at 6 pm when April went into the bathroom. I tried to go back to sleep but the cats get up with her, because she feeds them before she leaves the house. I just gave up and got up. It was a pretty slow day, which you would think was good. However, my job is not that exciting, so when it's slow I get bored. Anyway, I applied for 5-6 jobs today. I had a good reason to start looking again. 

I had decided that when I went back to work after my leave of absence that I was going to really apply myself to my job and get my promotion and raise in salary. I was quite happy when I went back to work. I had spoken with my supervisor and found out that I was not going back to my team, but was being transferred to a new team. There was also 2 promises to me. First, I was going to get a new schedule for earlier start time and end. I wasn't going to have to work 11:15 to 8 pm. Secondly, I was told that I would be placed in the next level 2 training class. 

Today, a shift bid opened up until 5/23. I tried to do my shift bid, but wasn't able to because for some reason I was still in training mode. At least that's what I thought. I asked my supervisor about it, and he told me that I would qualify for this shift bid because of my leave of absence. So, I would be keeping my current schedule. Um, HELL NO!! Wrong answer. I reminded him of the promises that were made to me when I returned from leave and told him to check into it. He said he would. Hence, my new job seeking adventures today. Because, if I don't get what I want, namely better hours and more money I will need to leave Delta Dental. 

I  thought that I did something good for myself. I stood up for myself, and was taking the necessary steps to provide a better life for myself. I'm forced to really because my social security benefits were cut off this month. They had the nerve to request an overpayment refund. I politely told them to kiss my black ass. At any rate, I told April and Erica about the shift bid debacle and job search. I was expecting some support, but got none. They both were like, "Why?" My sister has a tendency to dismiss things I do for myself when it comes to jobs. She thinks I should stay at Delta for the rest of my life no matter what. I'm not like that. If I'm unhappy at a job, I'm leaving. My mental health is more important than a damn paycheck. 

Since they cut off my social security, I had to crunch the numbers again to discover I have barely enough money to get by. I make approximately $2670 per month. My expenses total around $2500. That's not including food and gas. Some how, I'm supposed to pay everything minus the $1758 I was receiving. So, I either need a raise, a part-time job, or a new job. I've increased my hourly pay requirement to $21.10. I'm trying to find a job for $40,500 per year. I can live nicely on that amount. A level 2 promotion would do it. I had been requesting $40,000 per year, but I decided I was worth more. 

I got a new therapist. My first appointment with her is Saturday at 1 pm. My other therapist was nice enough, but I could afford to go. I can afford therapy now because I met my out of pocket for my insurance, so the rest of the year is zero cost. I can't believe I met it for the 3rd year in a row. I got stop falling apart. Next thing I need to look at getting fixed is my left knee. It is so stiff and hurts when I bend it. I need to get some compression socks. All this sitting is bad for my legs. I try to get up once an hour to move around. I need to start walking or something in the morning. Maybe I'll try some yoga. I can find something on YouTube. We have yoga mats and bricks. I think I will start doing that instead of napping on the couch in the morning. I really need to do something to strengthen and get toned. I'd like to get to a size 12. Plus, I really just need to stretch and restore some of my flexibility. 

Well, I guess I'll try to get some sleep. I wrote letter to 2 pen pals today.  have to go to the post office tomorrow to mail Shayla her graduation card. It's a really big popup card with a bouquet of roses. Well that's it. off to bed. Wish me luck. 

Peace, Joy, Love - Queen B

Sketches of a Bipolar Girl: Good Evening Anxiety, Have a Seat

 

It's been a while since crippling anxiety has come to visit. I almost forgot what she looked like. But she hasn't changed much. Still the same harried expression, messy hair and overall ill. I don't know what brought this on, but I had a series of anxiety attacks today. It was just anxiety instead of panic because with a panic attack I feel like I'm dying. 

Today started well enough. I didn't want to get out of bed, but that's nothing new. I stayed in bed until 8:48 am. I finally got up and washed up. I put on my Queen t-shirt and black lounge pants. I lay down on the couch for a while, and almost fell asleep again. I was 2 minutes late for work. I didn't want to work today. I started to get bored and you could tell in my voice that I didn't care. Anyway, the first attack came around noon. I had heart palpitations and a really shaky feeling in my gut. My head started to hurt and then my hands started shaking. I decided I'd clock out for just an hour to rest and get myself together. 

My gut started to churn mercilessly. I had shooting pains in my abdomen and I had diarrhea. I felt horrible, but not so horrible that I didn't know what it was. I haven't felt this level of anxiety for over a year. I wish I knew where it was coming from. I was thinking about my life and wrote a list of 10 goals I want to accomplish over the next couple of years. I did my homework. I applied SMART principles to my goals and wrote them out. I outlined what I wanted to accomplish, how I was going to measure my progress, what was relevant and realistic, the time frame etc. I felt good about it. My first goal which I want to accomplish in 1 year was to lose 50lbs. I made a list of diabetic friendly foods to shop for and looked up some recipes on the Mayo Clinic website. I listed how many steps I wanted to make per day. I know the standard goal is 10k steps, but I'm lucky if I get 3k. I mean I work at home for goodness sake. Where am I walking to? 

I did my shopping today, and got a top sirloin steak, some boneless, skinless chicken tenders and some center cut porkchops. I got veggies and fruit. I'm back on diet soda and Splenda. I've been using sugar for the past 5 months, but I need to stop my processed sugar intake. I bought sugar free Italian sweet cream coffee creamer. God, I even bought sugar free gum. I had my one last hurrah on Door Dash with a mushroom cheeseburger and fries from 5 Guys. I couldn't eat it because my stomach is still churning like a hurricane. So, I put it in the fridge for tomorrow. I think I better get some more Mylanta. 

I made an appointment with a new therapist for Saturday afternoon. It's at 2:50 pm, but I'm supposed to see some raptors at the bird store. The 3 of us are going. I'm a member of the bird store, so I got an email on Monday about it. I knew Erica would want to go, but April said she would go also. I'm going to go, I just have to duck out to the car for my appointment. I may change it. I'll have to think about it. I was supposed to have a doctor's appointment tomorrow, but I'm not going. I told them I have the stomach flu, which is close to what' s going on. I asked for a rescheduled appointment on Tuesday. My new therapist is on Headway. It's only going to cost me around $30. It may not cost me anything as I'm sure I've met my out of pocket by now. It's kind of sad that I've met my deductible and out of pocket for the 3rd year in a row. 

I got the results of my cat scan for my jaw. Everything is normal. I just need to pay attention to my salivary glands and make sure they don't get blocked again. Basically, I need to massage my glands to ensure saliva flow. God, my stomach hurts. I have to at least start work tomorrow. I'm probably going to get written up for attendance. I asked off for 6/4 and 6/20. I wish I could just get  through one whole week without getting sick. Last week was migraines, this week it's my gut. I should go to the doctor, but they're just going to refer me to a gastro specialist. I am due for another colonoscopy. But, no surgical procedures are allowed until August. I'll have to make an appointment. I see Dr. Shveta on the 4th. I'll talk to her about it then. 

That's all for now. Peace, Joy, Love - B 

Sketches of a Bipolar Girl: Remember Who You Are

 

Today is Mother's Day. As you know, my mom is dead. Sounds kind of heartless to say it that way, but those are the facts. I've been thinking pleasant thoughts about her. I don't get angry at her anymore. I mean it has been 5 years. One thing that bothers me though, is we never had a service for her. We all had to say goodbye in our own way. I've thought about having something for her, but it's kind of like, why? Maybe, I'll make a video with pictures in it. But, it's kind of a moot point in the long run. I've made my peace with it. 

It occurred to me today when I woke up this morning, that I am a black person. Before you laugh, this is something I don't always realize. For some reason, my mind decided that I needed to know this today. I woke up today and thought of 2 things; we have a new pope and I am a black person. I never refer to myself as an African-American. My family is just regular American. We've got some mixtures along with some African ancestry, hence the melanin. But, since I have no idea of what country or region of Africa said ancestors came from, I don't think of myself that way. That part of my family history was hijacked, our language stolen. We have some Native American ancestry as well. Lots of black people think that, but it's true on our part. There are pictures of a distinctly Native people in our history. Let's not forget that a lot of my family could pass for white, and some in fact did. 

Of course, I did ask myself why I was thinking about this today, but I really can't say why. Sometimes, it just pops in my mind as a friendly reminder. I have been living my life as a regular old person. I forget things about myself. I forget that I am fat, I forget that I have physical and mental challenges, I forget that I am a woman. So, why wouldn't I forget that I am black? This is especially true now. I mean in this day and age, the government would like nothing better than me to forget the things that make me a unique individual. They are trying desperately to erase DEI, trying to make this an America of the 1950's when the old white man ruled the world. Unfortunately, people are either too shocked to do anything about it, don't care or agree. The whole MAGA dogma is about turning control back over to white men, whether they are mentally competent to run things or not. Case in point, the Grand Cheeto or Convict-in Chief. What an incredible buffoon. Yet still people hear and listen to him. He is so incredibly stupid. He actually thinks he's a good person. Meanwhile, I'm thinking past governments both foreign and domestic would have had him taken care of by now. I guess it's true, you just can't get good help anymore. 

I've decided that the only way for me to get ahead is to leave this country. I'd like to move overseas and live out my days peacefully with my cats, dogs and a few horses. I'm not sure exactly where, but I really like the idea of living in the English countryside. I'd win a very nice lottery amount and buy a manor house and live in the country. I know England is just as racist as America, but they have nicer country and they need rich, obnoxious Americans to buy some lordships and maintain their old sense of entitlement. Of course, I'll never grace their tea parties, but they'll have me over for galas for charitable events. I'll out snob them, because I am so very bougie. lol 

So today I've recognized my blackness. Maybe tomorrow I'll investigate my love of Italian food or Kosher pickles. There is talk that my great grandmother was once married to a Jewish man. I don't know if my grandfather is a result of that union as she was a rather loose woman. But O Vey!!! 

Peace, Joy, Love - Queen B   

Sketches of a Bipolar Girl: A Little Good News

 

So, a lot has been happening this week. First off, we have a new pope. Pope Leo XIV, used to be Robert Francisco Prevost. The first American pope in the Church's history. He seems nice. It appears that he is following Pope Francis's direction. He is going to continue to reach out to the world and spread the message of loving one another and saving our planet. He's also spent some time in my old stomping grounds of the Philadelphia suburbs. Specifically, he has a mathematics degree from Villanova University. Which is good, because from what I understand, the Church finances are a mess. He had leadership roles in the Church, he knows everyone well. I don't pretend to know a lot about him or the Church mechanisms. I just know I feel good about it. 

Also, I had my surgery last Thursday, and it went well. I ended up staying overnight for observation. I came home on Friday afternoon. Unfortunately, I got a incidental infection in my left parotid salivary gland. I got up on Sunday and it hurt on the left side of my face, but by Sunday afternoon it was swollen to the size of a tennis ball. I called the nurse line for my insurance company, and she suggested I go to urgent care, which I did. I got some antibiotics and was told to follow up with my PCP or my ENT. I decided to go to my ENT, and she gave me a different antibiotic and referred my for a Cat Scan, which I have on Tuesday the 13th. Seems I have a small growth, or some kind of blockage. Because, I've had this infection 3 other times they want to check it out structurally. 

Because of the infection I didn't work Monday, Tuesday or Wednesday. I went back to work yesterday. I worked my full shift both days. I'll lose money, but I don't care too much. I have to take care of myself. 

I signed up for Live Well at work and got myself a life coach. I guess I should find another therapist, but I'm not sure what I need her to do. I guess I just need someone to bounce some things off of once in a while. Sometimes, when I try to talk to April and Erica, I get these blank stares and they ask me about the last time I talked to a therapist. With a life coach, I figure I can learn to balance the things that are going on and what I'm feeling. 

I have a lot going on right now. I have mental, emotional and financial challenges. I've been dealing with the mental shit for 45 years. Emotionally, I'm just trying to stay balanced, especially with the physical issues that have been going on. I've been meeting some pretty major goals. I did stop smoking. It'll be a year in August, and I'm going back to school. This time I'm going to finish. I'm going to get my BA in English. I'm going to Georgia Southern University. I'm entering as a senior, so I should only have to meet the requirements for my major to graduate. I'm hoping to get my degree next year, but like I said, I still am trying to figure out what credits are all transferrable. My advisor is working on that for me. 

It's Mother's Day weekend. Normally, I'm very emotional at this time. I used to get mad with all the Mother's Day advertisements. But not so much this year. I posted on Facebook already wishing everyone a happy day regardless if a human parent or a fur parent. I'm a mother to Zelda. She's 12 pounds of black and white crazy kitty that relies on me for everything. I can't sleep without her. She is my soul pet. She turned 5 on Sunday the 4th. I'll probably post my mom's picture on Sunday. 

I got April a gift. I got her a cherry blossom ring. It cost $130 and Erica said she'd go in on it with me. She's also paying for her mom to get her hair did on Saturday at Ulta. So, I hope she has a nice day. She's a good mom. She's a good sister, even though I hate her guts sometimes and call her a bitch under my breath. 

Well, I guess that's all. So, while things have been all over the place lately, there is a little good news out here. You just have to look for it. I'm still trying stay positive. So, I'm still looking for it. Fortunately, my butt doesn't hurt too bad, and I am able to sit for a while. Of course, I still have my pain meds that I take every 6 hours. It starts to scream if I wait too long. 6 hours is just the right amount of time. I also am walking around the house and walking the dog more often to keep up my circulation and keep from getting stiff. Kyber enjoys the more outdoor time. I really love him. He's a great dog, even if he does have some neuroses. lol. Zelda was a bit combative today, but she's been curled up on the chair for the better part of the day. She got in trouble earlier for terrorizing Zaybra. But then she just conked out.

Well, so long for now. Happy Mother's Day. Peace, Joy, Love - Queen B