Tomorrow is Father's Day. I'm not doing anything but watching old movies. I don't celebrate the day, because like Mother's Day, I don't have a father. He's been dead for 4 years. This week was not a good week. I got angry several times and felt the need to reach out to my dad. Then I realized that my anger was towards my father. I haven't felt that in quite a long time. But there it was. I hated my life and everything about it because my father is not here to talk to.
Please don't tell me he's always with me in my heart and my memories. This week that would have been met with a big "fuck off." I wanted him here, in the flesh and just a phone call away. I just needed a hug, to feel like I did when I was little. I felt safe and warm and loved. I needed that this week. I didn't get it. I got hugs from Erica, but I initiated it. Still she hugged me back, but it wasn't enough. I wanted to hear my father's voice and hear him call me Tinker.
It doesn't help that the so-called man in my life is not trying to see me or talk to me. He's always too busy. He's aways sorry, but it doesn't change anything. I sent him a text message saying basically that I didn't fault him for having a busy life, but he had to try harder for me. I don't know if I'm done or not. It makes my heart hurt to think that I met this great guy that checks off all the things on my list, but one. I should have put at the top of the list that my husband will always have time for me. I don't think I was too demanding. I even offered to make the trip to his place to hang out. But, I forgot it was Father's Day weekend, so naturally he'll be with his kids and grandkids. Even still he didn't even suggest a day. I got no response. So, I guess I'm done. I am sad about it. I really like him.
So what's it like to be an orphan in your 50's. It sucks. It hurts to lose one's parents no matter the age one might be. I don't go to church on the holidays for mothers, fathers or grandparents. I just don't want to hear the sympathy in people's voices or look at the pitying looks on their faces.
I wish heaven had visiting hours. I'd be there every weekend. Well, in the beginning I would be. I imagine, I wouldn't visit so much after the years that they've been gone. But, boy I would like to visit my parents. They don't visit as much as they used to. I see cardinals outside the window, but they don't stay long. They just come by for the food. Every once in a while, one will look at me for a long time. I know it's one of my parents. I used to look for the stars at night, but I don't see them anymore. They come out more in the winter. Plus, I used to look for them when I smoked, but I don't do that anymore.
I won't be in church tomorrow when people honor the fathers. It would be like rubbing salt in a papercut. I just don't feel like dealing with the pain. I think I will watch Smokey and the Bandit or the Blues Brothers, as those are 2 of my dad's favorite movies.
I was going to send David some flowers, but I don't have the money or the inclination. Maybe I'll send him some later. But maybe I should give up. I don't know what to do. Why does life have to be so hard. Maybe I'll win the lottery tonight. I could certainly used $80 million. I just want to get out of this apartment and buy a new car. Our plan for new money management is not working so far because of me. I have no idea what I'm doing. I think I only make around $980 per pay. That's once all the deductions come out. I'll have to see on my next paycheck. Maybe one day, I'll get a full check. I was and hour late this week because of the maintenance man. So, I only worked 39 hours.
I almost quit my job. I'm bored and frustrated. When I'm bored I get easily distracted. I told my supervisor that I wanted the appeals specialist position but know I don't qualify. He said to give him 6 months of hitting my metrics and he'll put me on track to make it happen. I guess I'm not getting my level 2 anytime soon. I've been actively applying for other jobs, but nothing is happening. My resume looks good to me, but I guess it sucks. Oh well, that would make sense. Everything sucks right now. Not me, I'm still fabulous. lol
Peace, Joy, Love - BB
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