Today is Memorial Day, the last Monday in May. It is a day when the United States pauses to reflect and remember the fallen heroes of our nation. It's not a happy day, but it has turned into a day of picnics and barbeques and pool parties. It the unofficial start of summer. It's also a federal holiday so most of us have the day off.
I had hoped for a more positive weekend. I mentioned that I had been talking to a man named David. We talked last weekend about getting together today and doing something together, but that has not come to pass. In fact, I only got one text from him saying that he missed my call because he was busy with yardwork. I am now of the feeling that he does not wish to see me. Either that or his home has a yard like the gardens of Versailles. It brought up an old feeling. A feeling of rejection. When that feeling popped up, it also brought forth an image in my head. The image of a tired, depressed woman that secluded herself in a dark room afraid of the world dreaming of being in love. The old image of me.
I studied her for a minute, and then I shut the door. I'm not that woman anymore. While I am tired, I'm not soul tired. I'm no longer a crushed, depressed person. I have my blue moments like a normal person now. I do not reject the world but embrace it. I have a positive message to spread to anyone who will listen. a message of survival, a message of hope, a message of love. You see, that other version of me hated herself and the life she was living, if you can call it that. I was merely existing. Many times I tried to snuff out that existence. But I survived and found a pretty wonderful person on the other side.
I don't really dream of being in love anymore. I dream of sharing my love with another person and building a life together. There isn't a prince charming riding toward me to rescue me from my dire world, but a good solid man who wants to grow with me. I am a treasure waiting to be discovered and I will reveal myself to that man when he presents himself.
Now, I have talked to several men, but they don't fit the bill for one reason or another. Most of the time it's because I had to chase them. I'm not a cop. I'm not chasing you around town to talk to you. If you want to be with me you will carve out the time to make me a priority in your life. If not, just say so and I will move on. So, far David and I were talking pretty well, but this weekend something changed. So, I guess I'm done. I will move onto the next person of interest to see if he is the one to peak my curiosity.
Fortunately, I have not allowed my imagination to run wild and fallen in love. I now realize what love is, and how it should feel. Love should not make you feel panic or sad or guilt. Love should make you feel whole and good.
It's a good thing I learned from my mistakes, because the other me would have collapsed into misery and despair. I would have questioned my looks, my personality and my overall desirability. I would have turned myself into a monster in my mind's eye. A person so ugly on the inside that no one would have possibly wanted such a damaged, unlovable creature. However, I sad goodbye to her. I realized today that I never really gave her the proper send off. I never buried her. So I will do that today.
To you, Beverly, the girl that hated her name. I want to say goodbye. There are a few things you should know before I close you off. You were so wrong about yourself. You were wanted. You were a surprise, but never doubt for a moment that you were wanted. You were your parent's doting daughter. The one who gave them joy and laughter. The one who listened and learned. You were a daddy's girl and your mother's friend. Also, look at yourself in pictures and in the mirror. You're beautiful. Your eyes large and deep. Your sweetheart mouth always ready to smile. People like you, they love your voice and the way you speak. You are intelligent and funny. You have so much to offer. You love the Lord and recognize finally that He loves you and will never leave you. You are His, and He lives deep within you. He has a plan for you, for your life. It involves the giving and receiving of love. You finally know what you want, and you have the strength to go for it.
With that, I close the lid. I am ready to let you go to think of you know more. Although I'm sure you will try to raise your head again, you will not be able to shriek out in misery anymore. I've learned not to do that. So, goodbye Beverly. Hello, Bev. Enjoy your life. Congratulations on your success. I'm not going to miss you.
Peace - B
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