Sketches of a Bipolar Girl: I Feel the earth Move

 

Okay, it's been 3 months since my dizzy spells began. I was diagnosed with BPPV, benign paroxysmal positional vertigo. However, things are looking pretty grim. My spells have started to last for hours, even days. That is not the case for BPPV in which dizziness typically lasts for seconds or a minute maybe. 

 I'd be lying if I say that I'm not worried. It's starting to keep me up at night. I keep catastrophizing the situation. What if it's a brain tumor? What if I have Parkinson's disease? What if I have some weird cancer of the inner ear? You know, just me thinking of the worst case scenario because that's what I do. It takes years of practice to think the way I do. 

It's my mom's fault. Not anything she did purposefully you understand. It's just because there was a lot of missed opportunities for reassurance in my life. I spent the greater part of my life waiting for her to die by suicide. God knows she attempted it enough. I used to come home from school fully prepared to find her dead body in the house. It's horrible way to grow up. All that anxiety and living in survival mode took a toll on my poor body. 

Sometimes, I have wondered if this is some kind of psychosomatic illness. But, people have seen my symptoms. I have this awful tremor in my right hand. My hand used to shake occasionally, but now it does it constantly. It's worse when I'm stressed, which is beginning to be all the time. 

To top things off, I'm now looking at some extensive dental work. I went to a new dentist for a simple exam and cleaning. Turns out I need a scaling and root planing, 2 root canals, a filling, an extraction, braces and a bridge. I'm talking at least $5k worth of work. I see why people have all their teeth taken out and get dentures, but I don't want to get dentures. I want to keep the teeth I have. It will take a couple of years to do, since I have only $2500 max per year in benefits. I hope I get to keep my job. 

I failed another quality score. I had 3 100% in January. I failed the last week of January and the first week of February with 78% and 65% respectively. I don't know what's wrong with me. It seems the more I try the more mistakes I make. I'm just going to have to relax and do what I know how to do. 

This job is really a cake walk. All I have to do is follow the quality template and easy peasy 100%. I should be a level 2 by now. Maybe by my 3rd anniversary. I hope my mind holds out. I feel like I have to get rid of some information in order to memorize new stuff. I wish brains had a flash drive. 

I'm getting my car serviced today at 7 am. Then I have an appointment with Sheeba at 11:30. The only 2 things I'm getting done to my car is an oil and filter change and new wiper blades. I can't afford anything else. The check engine light came on the other day, but that was just due to the gas cap not being tight enough. Erica put gas in the car and didn't screw the cap on right. I fixed it, and the light went off. I need to hurry up and get Car Shield or something in case the car really breaks down. Unfortunately, I can't afford it. At least I don't think so. I'll have to see. If I can get it for $50 or less a month, I'll get it. Right now I'm pretty much broke. I'm always broke. I don't even have $3 for the lottery. Pitiful huh? I could really use a financial windfall soon. 

The rent is late again. It's always late. I won't be able to pay it until the 14th. They'll draw up the paperwork on the 10th for eviction. I'll just have to wing it as usual. I still have to pay Jerald back his $1000, and save money for emergencies, and general savings. I'm trying to save $100 per month, but all I've saved so far is $5. Like Shaboozey says, all I need is little good news. 

Well, that's all for now. Hopefully my car service will be about $100. That way I can pay Sheeba. 

Peace, Joy, Love - Queen B 

Sketches of a Bipolar Girl: Just a Dizzy Broad

 

Okay, I've got a new health issue. I know you're probably like "What the hell now?" I'm beginning to think that my body is definitely campaigning against me. If it's not my back, knees or shoulder it's something else. 

This week has been my head . I've had dizzy spells for the past month or so. On Wednesday however, I had severe dizzy spells all friggin day. I had to take most of the day off because I was so sick to my stomach. I went to physical therapy on Thursday, and she did a maneuver that adjusted the crystal in my ears. In case, you didn't know there  are crystals in your ear canals that keep you balanced. The crystals in my right middle ear canal were dislodged. Whenever I lay down on my right side, my eyes would start twitching and I couldn't keep myself straight. 

My therapist got my crystals in alignment, but I'm still crooked and I get dizzy only a couple of times a day. I think I need another adjustment. We'll see when I go to therapy on Tuesday. I do wonder why it's happening. Things are just falling apart. 

I having back pain again. I have to fall asleep sitting at about a 45 degree angle. However, that makes my lower back hurt like the devil. So, I end up sleeping on my side, which I'm not really supposed to do because of the whole crystals thing in my ears. My right ear is the one that bothers me the most. I was a little dizzy when I got up this morning. But it went away. 

Today was church day. So, I went to Mass at 10:45 am. It was very nice. I was uplifted. The homily was given by Fr. Avery. He's a young, black priest. He rambled a bit, but I guess that's because he's still young and a bit in experienced. The homily was about realizing what God did for us, by sending His Son to die for us on the cross. We need to be filled with the Good News and share it in words and deeds. It doesn't have to be a big thing just something to serve the Lord. Also, we need to stop letting other gods direct our lives. It could be stress, the job, family or friends that are yapping in our ears and distracting us from our real purpose. 

So, I am feeling so much better mentally. I haven't had a depressing thought in weeks, and suicide is not even an option. I have been keeping myself busy with writing, reading and watching my favorite shows. I recently got Britbox and have been watching Father Brown, and Sister Boniface Mysteries. Both are really good British mystery shows. The interesting and often quite funny. 

The Eagles play today against the Washington Commanders for the NFC championship and a chance to go to the Superbowl. I have my Eagles t-shirt on and my sparkly Eagles sneakers. Yes, I wore them to church. My sister and I rock the Eagles gear whenever they play, especially if it's televised, like it is today. 

It's finally going to be a little warmer this week. No more frozen feet. My feet and legs get cold sitting at my desk because I sit right by the window. There's no other place to put my desk. Our apartment is to small. In the afternoon, as the sun moves, I get cold. I keep the heat at 68 degrees, mostly because I forget to turn it up. Sometimes, I'll turn it up to 69 or 70 but that's it. We grew up wearing sweaters and putting blankets on ourselves. When I was little we all slept in my grandmother's unheated attic. That's how I learned to cocoon in the winter. I'd have 2 blankets and a heavy quilt, plus flannel pajamas. Even though I'm in Georgia, I still sleep with 2 plush blankets. I can't sleep when I'm too cold or too hot. I am also one of those people that has to have a breeze to circulate the air, so I have a very tiny fan by my bed. 

I got a sleep appliance the other day. It's for my sleep apnea that I was diagnosed with last year. It fits over my teeth and keeps my jaw aligned so my tongue doesn't fall back. It keeps my airway open so I don't snore. So, far it works. I've gotten much better sleep. April and Erica said I stopped snoring and I'm not restless anymore. Erica told me once, it's like I fight demons in the night because I would kick in the middle of the night. 

Well, I guess that's all. The game has started. #FlyEagles#Fly!!!! 

I am loving life today!!! 

Peace, Joy, Love forever- B  

Sketches of a Bipolar Girl: Taking Care of Business

 

Okay, I made a decision, and you will probably not be surprised to learn that I am still with Delta Dental. 

My brother did get back to me, and his advice was spot on. I also talked to Erica, and she agreed that staying at Delta Dental was best for me. I decided to stick it out and continue with challenging myself to do my best and improve my quality scores. I now have had 2 weeks with 100% quality. It's kind of like, I can't believe it's been this easy. 

Don't get me wrong, not every call is perfect. I still have to work on my consistency, but I'm getting there. My supervisor gave all of nicknames, and mine is "The Voice". She gave me that because my voice is very soothing, and calming. I must admit, I've told about my voice on the phone before this. I've always had a good phone voice. I guess that's why people like talking to me. 

Anyway, things are going pretty well. I ran out of Depakote, and the pharmacy won't fill it right now, so I've been 2 weeks without it. I can't tell the difference. I've been on it for 20 years. I'm thinking it's time I get off of it. Also, the transmitter in my glucose sensor failed. I just got it a couple of weeks ago. It's supposed to last for 90 days. I have to call the company tomorrow to see if I can get a free replacement. Otherwise, I'll have to wait until March. I've sticking my fingers in the meantime, and my blood sugar is well within range, sometimes falling below 70, which is not cool. I do have some glucose tablets. So, I just pop a couple of those if it gets to low. I've had to do that twice this week. I usually bottom out around lunchtime. 

Mentally/emotionally, I'm feeling very well. No depression, not too much anxiety. When I decided  to stay at Delta, the knot in my stomach loosened and I felt a weight lift from my shoulders. Honestly, it feels like I've been given another chance. I know it's cliche, but this is really a new beginning in the new year. I've got goals for each month, all of them highly attainable. So, far I'm doing okay. I have a couple of chapters to finish on this month's book, I've lost 5 lbs., and I've gone to church at least once this month. I  couldn't go last weekend because it snowed here, believe it or not. As far as saving money, I wanted to start saving $100 per month but I'm trying to catch up on bills. So far, all I've got saved is $7.00. Pretty pitiful I know, but I'm trying to find some money around. Hopefully, it will all be worked out by February. 

I went to confession a few weeks ago. It was pretty sad. I hadn't been to mass in over a year, so I had to go. Other than that, I had a couple of impure thoughts and I've cursed. Not much to report. That's why my penance was 1 Our Father. I like my church. It's very pretty, and peaceful. I'm going to d my best to go on Saturday morning instead of sleeping late. 

I guess that's all for now. I can't think of anything else to talk about. I need to write to my pen pals. I guess I can do that while I'm up. I had a second cup of coffee today because I was falling asleep this afternoon. Well, that was a mistake. It's going on 3 am now. I'll probably be up until 4 am, getting 2 hours of sleep. I suppose I could skip physical therapy, but my shoulder has been killing me since it snowed. The cold seems to have settled deep in my joint. I can barely lift my arm, even though I've been trying to movie it. 

okay this time I really am signing off. Until next time, Peace, Joy Love - B

Sketches of a Bipolar Girl: Decisions, Decisions!!

 

I have been complaining for months about how I don't like my job. I decided to change my attitude about last month. I decided that the job isn't too bad, and reminded myself about the benefits. However, 2 weeks ago I had a job interview with a small company for a claim specialist. It wasn't exactly the position I was looking for, but it was in medical claims and seemed very interesting and stimulating. So what's the catch? The money is pretty much the same as Delta, however, there aren't any benefits. 

I'm now having some second thoughts because with my medical history, I really cannot afford to go without benefits. It's true I do have Medicare benefits, but my Delta benefits are pretty great. 

I'm not sure what to do. Last week I went to church and prayed on it, and pretty much decided to take the job. However, things at Delta have gotten better the past 3 weeks. I'm thinking if I keep trying to do my best, I'll get my level 2 promotion and make $3.50 more per hour. 

I'm suppose to talk to the new jo on Monday to finalize my start date, but I have such anxiety about it I don't think I'll be able to take this job. What if I have to take time off for illness or surgery or whatever? With no FMLA or short term disability, I'd be out on the street. I suppose I could buy life insurance, dental insurance and short term disability insurance, but that'd be awfully expensive. 

I texted Jerald about it. Either he won't answer or he hasn't read it yet. I still owe him $1000. So, I think he'll probably tell me to take the path of financial stability, which we don't have right now. Okay, I'll talk to Erica, she's rational. April will tell me to "do you". In the end it's up to me, but I'm doubting myself. 

It's said that you shouldn't make decisions when you are under duress. I guess I did kind of make this decision. Maybe, I should talk to my supervisor about my future at Delta. But, part of me is hesitant because they may just tell me to leave. I'm not sure what to do. I think pursuing the new position might have been okay when I was younger, but I'll be 60 this year. I don't have time to dick around. Should I talk to April and Erica again? I'm so confused. I'll pray on it again. 

Sketches of a Bipolar Girl: Beware of Madness

 

So, it's 2025. I haven't had a bipolar episode that required hospitalization in 3 years. I was thinking about that today, and it occurred to me that this has been the longest time. I have had a psychotic episode at least every 2 years since I was 35 years old. I know what your thinking. Well, Holy Shit!!! What kind of whack job is she anyway. Keep in mind, this is not including the episodes that had me home bound for a week or so. 

The first psychotic episode happened at 35. It was horrendous. I couldn't sleep or eat. I could not dress myself and cried for days. I was suicidal, so my doctor 302'd me. I spent 7 days inpatient. Mostly, I just cried and tried to stay awake. My mom flew down to take care of me after I got out of the hospital. It took a couple of weeks for me to recover. I managed to work for a few more weeks, but then I had to leave my job. The stress was just too much. 

That was when the medication carousel started. When I tell you that I've been on practically every psych med available, I mean it. I don't have schizophrenia, so I didn't have to take those. But I am now on Abilify, which as an antipsychotic which my doctor is using to treat my schizoaffective disorder. 

When all is said and done, I've been hospitalized 16 times in the past 23 years. Some hospitals were nice, others were shitholes. My last hospitalization was my LAST hospitalization. Although the facility was decent, I decided I was never going to go through it again. Maybe next episode, I'll just drive into the woods and stay in a cabin and try to regroup. 

I've decided I'm not going to kill myself so I am not going to be committed or forced into some nut house with people who are screaming and violent. Also, I don't smoke anymore, so that's another reason not to go inpatient. This year is all about me. 

Peace Joy Love - B

Sketches of a Bipolar Girl: The Dawn of My 60th Year

 

Okay, tomorrow is New Year's eve. 2025, the year I turn 60. What will that mean for me? I have no money, so I can't retire unless I hit the lottery. I haven't got a stable home and the past couple of months have seen me with food insecurity. My sister has reluctantly fed me on those occasions. 

This all wouldn't bother me so much, but I'll be late on the rent again. My phone almost got cut off last month, but worked out a payment arrangement. I am 99% sure that I have no car insurance. I get paid from Delta on the 8th, and my Social on the 10th. I may be able to make it with my payments. I got a couple of credit cards to pay. I made a goal to save $100 a month. It should be doable. I still owe Jerry $1000. I bet he thought I blew him off. 

So if all goes well, I'll have $800 for my birthday. Not that I know what I'm doing. 60 yrs old and no friends is pretty pathetic. I'm supposed to be going to church at least once a month to start out. I also plan to read a physical book once a month. I want to lose 5 lbs. a month. My bingo square for this month is a manicure. Maybe a pedicure, my toes are jacked up. I bought some Vaseline for my feet. I've decided I'm going to shower everyday. I know it sounds gross, but I've only showered once a week since my surgery. I was depressed, and disinterested in everything. 

I have a job interview tomorrow for a claims specialist position. I'm hoping that 1. It's legitimate and 2. it's well-paying. I hope it has some kind of benefits. I really want it to be for real. I had to have another talk with my supervisor today about my poor quality and inconsistencies. I'm basically on the verge of losing my job. My job is so easy, but it's almost mind numbing. I like that's easy, but I don't really care about it. Every once in a while I get a client that challenges me. Doesn't happen often enough. 

I don't know if I'm working Thursday and Friday. I requested it off, and was denied, but then got an email saying it was approved. Well, if I get a new job, the hours must be right, the pay must right and the atmosphere must be right. Oh well, when the sun rises on August 17th, my 60th birthday, I'm hoping to be a lot happier. I'm hoping I will no longer need a therapist and I'll be taking a lot less medicine. 

Another thing I'm hoping for is a social life. I want to start off at church and talk to people maybe go to some social functions. I also need to go to the movies by myself and take myself out to dinner. For example, I would really like to have a steak somewhere. I'm hoping to do that with my next payday. 

Okay, so that's the plan for my 2025. Good Luck, and Happy New Year. 

Sketches of a Bipolar Girl: Wrap Up 2024

 

Well, I remember a little about my last post. I think I was much more optimistic about things, but as usual things hit the crapper. I wrote back in June, when I made a sincere commitment to pursue some kind of acting career or work better at my job, but that never came to fruition. My fear of the world continues and I still haven't gone to church, taken any acting lessons, or art lessons. 

Here it is the end of the year, and I have accomplished nothing. I was in the hospital for rotator cuff surgery. I'm still in physical therapy. I hate every minute of it. My shoulder still hurts but that's just the story of my life. My leg hurts from 2012. 

I also had another bout of hyperglycemia. My sugar was up near 1000. I was in critical condition for 4 days. I was incontinent for 2 weeks. I hate having diabetes. I hate having bipolar. My depression is steady on the track. 

I have no motivation, no sense of belonging, nothing wanted or desired. So, I will Wish you Merry Christmas and Happy New Year. I'm going to sign off for now, and maybe check in with my wishes for the New Year. 

Sketches of a Bipolar Girl: Isn't it Time?

 

I have come out of a week in the pit. I slipped and fell down the rabbit hole yet again. I felt it coming per usual, but I was too tired to stop it. I was fed up with life and just pulled the blankets over my head and went to sleep for a few days. Things did get a little serious. I would drift off in traffic. I started to think about how no one really needed me, and how I really hated my existence. It's all stuff I've felt before, nothing I couldn't get through just I had done previously. 

This time though, something clicked in my head. I was standing in the shower. As I let the water pound on my back, I thought, this is it, I'm done. As I dried myself off, I thought about about the one thing I hated about my life most of all. That was a simple answer. I hated my job. I mean working in corporate America in any capacity. I was tired of having to satisfy quality, calls per hour and average call time, after call work time and all the other stupid metrics I have to meet. I'm tired of talking to the people about their policies. This is not a life. This work does not let me express my creativity. I can't continue to let my mind turn to mush. I've had it. 

I wanted something that stimulated my mind, where I'd be happy to face each morning with new energy. So, I've gone back to my acting classes. I'm getting serious about pursuing the dream of being a full time entertainment professional. First of all, I'm going to look for a job in the industry, maybe a PA. I'm not exactly sure how to do that, but I'll figure it out. Just to be on set will be a blast. I know it's a long shot, but I'm hoping to parlay that into an acting job somehow. 

I know this probably sounds like the rambling of a crazy lady. It's not though, it's the woman of a particular age who is making her statement about the rest of her life. I've had a lot of dreams that have gone by the wayside, mainly because my illness has gotten in the way. But, I am a creative person, an artist. As it stands, most artists are a little crazy anyway. Artists don't work 9-5, or sleep regular hours. True artists create in the middle of the night, the wee hours of the morning and are just going out when the 9-5 world is coming home to settle into an evening of dinner and TV. I belong in that world. Of course, I know I need to make a living. That's why I'm on a journey to find an industry job. I know it won't be easy, it will be hard work and I'll have bad days. But, I had a goal, not just a dream and I think it's time to go for it. 

Sketches of a Bipolar Girl: The Doctor Will See You Now

 

Well, the verdict is in for now. After spending the past 2 months trotting from one doctor to another, there is nothing wrong with my back that anyone can see on my MRI and CT scan reports. 

However, there is something there. I can feel it. I'm sitting on it. It causes pressure and pain in my leg at night when I lay down. No matter what position I'm in, my leg goes numb and my foot as well. I'm very depressed about the whole thing. I honestly think that they didn't scan the right place. They didn't go below my sacrum and that's seems to the area of origination. 

The doctor didn't exam me, I just had x-rays and the imaging. The doctor recommended that I reach out to the surgeon that did my original spinal fusion. I couldn't remember his name at first, but I found him. I sent a request for an appointment on Friday. I'm just waiting to hear back from them. 

In the meantime, I'm just in pain. I have left shoulder pain that's more worse than when I first sought treatment. I'm having another MRI in a few weeks. It's like I just get shuffled off to get stuck into a machine. I think I really tore my shoulder the other day. I was bending over to pick up over something off the floor, and felt a burning sensation in my shoulder. 

I'm getting breakout pain from my back and shoulder. I'm lucky if I get 4 hours of sleep. I'm tired. I can see how chronic pain suffers get addicted to painkillers then heroin. It's difficult to live like this. I wish I didn't have to anymore. I'm going to see the neurosurgeon and that's it. After that, I'll just be tired I guess. Maybe I'll try an acupuncturist. Who knows anymore? 

Sketches of a Bipolar Girl: This Crowded Room

 

Well, I have calmed down from my rant of my last post. I talked to my therapist. She said I need to express myself to April and Erica about how a messy house affects me. Did they understand? Not really, I just got looks. Erica is cleaning her area today, while once again my sister is on the couch scrolling through TikTok. I think I'll just give up and call it a day. It's rather fruitless anyway. They look at me like I'm crazy, and I end up feeling guilty. The thing is, I end up cleaning anyway, just because it makes me so anxious. Take this morning for instance, I cleaned up the kitchen. It's sort of become my job to clean up the kitchen in the mornings, clean the litter box, and load the dishwasher. Erica used to clean the litter box, but since she is so slow to do it, I do it, because it upsets the cats to have a full litter box. Zaybra will go outside the litter box if it's not clean. So, I clean it at least once a day. 

Now that my anger has simmered down, I'm having a lot of intrusive thoughts. I really need some friends. In an effort to expand my horizons, I accepted a friend request on Facebook. It started out well enough, but then he's like, I'm a maritime engineer on an oil rig, you're so beautiful, blah blah. Just another romance scammer. I'll have to block him. Truth be told, I just want a sexual partner. I'm not even interested in romance at this point. The guy I want doesn't exist. Ok, maybe Lenny Kravitz or Keanu Reeves, but that's it. Let's face it, my chances of meeting either of them is only better than having a baby. We all know that's not going to happen. 

I started getting the urge to decorate. I bought a couple of prints for my bedroom wall, and I think I'll get one more. I ordered some pillow covers for the living room. The pillows on there now are so incredibly ugly. I also bought myself some new towels. They are a bright apple green. I got some rainbow striped hand towels to go with them. I like them a lot. The bathroom is probably my favorite room, because it's bright and cheery. Of course, all their crap is everywhere. Especially Erica's stuff. She's in there cleaning it up right now. Her excuse for her behavior is that she has ADHD and is on the autism spectrum. I guess I could try and be more understanding, but she doesn't try to keep herself organized, and there are just piles of stuff everywhere. 

Sometimes, if I'm home alone, and I see a pile of her dirty laundry on the floor, I'll wash it. My sister is much more tidy. However, she has taken over the closet. But she does her own laundry and everything. I wouldn't dare touch her stuff. It is verboten. 

Well, I'm listening to some music and waiting to wash my hair. I bought some hair color, but I don't know if I want to do it today. I should go get a mani-pedi, but I just did my nails yesterday. My toes look okay, I guess. It's not like someone's going to look at them and say "oh my gosh, you do your own toes, don't you?!!!" 

Well, the week in the office was fun. It was nice to be on sight with everyone. It was exhausting, though. Getting up early everyday to take Erica to work and then going to doctor appointments. I get home at 8:30 pm eat dinner and climb into my bed. I've been having some excruciating back and leg pain. I didn't do anything to it, it just hurts. I had an MRI on Thursday, and I have a CAT scan on the 31st. The doctor did a x-ray, but didn't see anything wrong with my fusion. So, I'm not sure exactly what he's looking for, but all symptoms point to a spinal or vertebral tumor. OK, so I may be catastrophizing, but I don't know what else it could be. It's definitely nerve related, not muscle related. So, I'll guess I'll have to wait and see. 

Zelda, is telling me it's time to get off the computer, so I guess I'll sign off. I'll go wash my hair now. 

Peace, Joy, Love - B

Sketches of a Bipolar Girl: Cinderella, Housekeeper

 

Ok, So this isn't about anything in particular. I suppose you can say it's a rant. I'm just venting. Although, I must admit, there is a bit of paranoia slipping in again. This weekend, I did a lot of cleaning. Which is something I normally don't mind. But, I am getting a little tired of being the only one who does it. 

April and Erica spend most of their time on the goddamn TikTok and talking about stupid shit. My sister literally sits on the couch all weekend, unless we go out somewhere. Yesterday morning, I got up cleaned the kitty litter, took my car in for service, and went to Walmart. These 2 clowns were still in there pajamas. Okay, Erica was wearing clothes, but that's only because I didn't take the dog out before I left. I had time to do it, and feed them but I was like, fuck it, I ain't doing it. Let them do their own shit. 

I usually do things on the weekend because I tell myself that they are tired from working all week. But, stop, wait a fucking goddamn minute. I work too! Nobody makes a move to make things easier for me. The only thing April does on the weekend is make Sunday breakfast. But guess who cleans up the fucking kitchen? Me!!!! If I don't do, it will sit there all damn day. 

I just finished sweeping the floor, because no one else does it. I know this apartment isn't all that great, but still, I would like it to look presentable. I even took the time to put a few decorations on my side of the bedroom. I just want it to be cheerful, is that a fucking crime. No, but those 2 would rather wallow in the fact that we live in a very small apartment, and they don't have the old place anymore. We'll be here a year in October, and I would love to move to a bigger place, but I don't know if that's going to happen. I'm still trying to save money. I finally figured out how to pay my bills and have some spending money, but they only think about themselves 99% of the time. 

Yesterday, after we went shopping, we went for brunch. I paid for it. Did those 2 even mention giving me money for it? Of course not. Later, when it was time for dinner, they ordered out. Did anyone ask me if I wanted anything? Well, for fuck sake, that would be too much like right! I had a grilled cheese sandwich. Not that I wanted tacos anyway, but Jesus H. Christ, at least ask me. 

Times like this, I feel like, just get the fuck out, I pay the rent, electricity and car insurance. I can certainly afford to live on my own. I even buy my own food. Sometimes, I even pay for their food. I get $600 measly from them for rent. It should be more like $800-900 but I just let it go. It seems like whenever I ask a question or make an observation, April looks at me with utter disdain. Sometimes, I want to punch her smack in her face. Erica is just as selfish. Although, she does buy me Starbucks when I take her to work. 

Then there's the fact that neither Erica or her brother talk to me about anything going on in their lives, which really pisses me off because I was more like a mom to them when they were growing up. But fuck it, fuck them, fuck it all. I'm done

 

Sketches of a Bipolar Girl: Spinning on the Mood Cycle

 

Whoa! My mood has really been swinging the past day and half. First dark, now light. In fact it's so light, I'm blinded. I don't know what's happening to me. I have to talk to my doctor, yet again. I just spoke to her on the 13th, and everything was somewhat stable, but now I am spinning all over the place. Unfortunately, it sounds like another medication adjustment. 

Last week, I spent 2 days just puttering around the house. The thought of working was repugnant. So, I took some time off and did some self care to improve my mood. I did my hair, my nails and started wearing makeup. Nothing big, just eyeliner, mascara, a little eyeshadow and lip gloss. I must admit I felt better. But it seems that was just the beginning of this high I'm on now. 

Last night I got 3 hours of sleep. I was up until 4 and woke up at 7:15 am. Now, I am wired and have that weird grinding feeling I get in the pit of my stomach when I'm manic. I channeled all that energy into housework of course, and scrubbed the bathroom down. Washed all my clothes and linens, changed the bed and took the dog for a long walk. I'd like to say I'm exhausted, but I'm not. I even tried to laydown and take a cat nap, but I just laid there quietly for a half hour. 

I'm out of Trazadone, and I won't be able to get my refill until tomorrow at the earliest. It's going to be a long night. I will probably be up until 4 am again. Maybe I can get Erica to give me one of her pills. I'm also hot. I got from hot to cold and back again. When I'm not doing anything, I'm cold, as soon as I start to move I'm hot. Before you suggest it, there's nothing wrong with my thyroid. I've had it tested numerous times. 

Thursday night I had the satanic nightmares. I thought those were long gone, but low and behold, I had one. The devil's minions were trying to chain me to a bed in hell. I kept fighting and screaming. Finally I broke free and went running down a long dark hallway. Apparently, when I have these dreams I kick a lot, and my poor cat, Zelda goes flying across the room. I've been exercising more like everyone says to encourage good sleep, but sometimes it makes my back or leg hurt and I can't sleep. On those nights, I sleep on the couch. It provides a little more support than my bed. I'm still sleeping on an air mattress. I'm expecting my state tax refund very soon, and I'm going to be purchasing a real bed. 

I've been doing a little thinking and tracking of my moods for the past few months. Along with everything else that's going on with me emotionally, I think I've actually been suffering from the symptoms of PMS around the 22nd of the month. It's the same symptoms as when I had a period, except no bloating, cramps or bleeding. I get irritable, I get depressed, and very, very fatigued. It's almost as if I still have a period. I guess I'll have to do some digging to find out what happens in post menopausal women. I know that the week before my period, I used to get hypersexual. It was like I was looking to breed, in heat as it were. I still get that way, I have sex dreams, and usually masturbate at least once that week. I don't do it that often anymore. I'm so dry it's no fun. I tell you if I do ever have sex again, I'll need those suppositories. 

Right now, I'm hungry tired and hyped up all at the same time. This is definitely not a day or week to make decisions or spend money. Although, I just did spend $3.00 for a new ringtone which I didn't need. I've had Bittersweet Symphony for a while, I changed it to Soulful Strut. 

I made some shrimp alfredo last night. It's awful. I have to eat at least one more meal and maybe lunch since there is so much of it. I didn't have enough linguini, so I used spaghetti. Actually, it was angel hair pasta, which doesn't have enough body. I also didn't have enough money for the good sauce. I had to doctor it up, but when I served my self, I used too much salt. I choked it down though. The shrimp was previously frozen and came out tough. I wish I had some garlic bread. There's some salmon in the freezer, but I don't think I'll eat it. But then again, I don't have any food for dinner this week. I get paid on Wednesday, but everything goes to rent since I got a little too friendly with Amazon the past 2 weeks. 

That's another thing I do when I'm manic. I spend too much money. I'll be looking at something, and just go "Fuck it" and next thing you know it's a purchase. Usually, it's a purchase that could have waited, or I didn't need in the first place. Then I feel guilty about spending the money, chastise myself and feel shame and depression sets in. I tell you, this is not a fun thing. I'm trying to get to a level 2 which pays $20.50 per hour, which is almost $40k a year. But, my boss told me I need at least one more month f consistent quality and more self confidence in order to take the class. 

The irony is, I'm fantastic in a classroom. Always have been. But there are things that come up from time to time on the phones that I haven't dealt with before, so I ask questions. However, if I am to believe my boss, she's instructed my coordinator not to answer my question right away, to see if I can figure it out myself. Which I usually do. Of course, there are some things that are total guesstimates on my part, but I stick with it because it makes sense to me. Besides, I've made notes and a phone script for my job which has helped me a lot. 

I have to be in the office the whole week of May 20th, as does everyone. That will be interesting. I have my little desk all set up, so I hope I get to stay where I am. In all honesty, if Erica had a car, I would go to the office everyday except Friday. I like it there. I don't have the need to have TV on in the background like I do at home. I like to hear everyone else talking. Plus I wouldn't have all the noise that April and Erica make when they come home. 

I'm taking 1/2 day on Wednesday and a full day off on Thursday. I have to see the retina specialist on Wednesday and my physical and dental appointments are on Thursday. I'm getting 2 crowns. I'm trying to avoid dentures and implants at all cost. I can't afford them and don't want to buy Polident denture cleaner. Implants sound incredibly painful to me. Plus it takes too long. I'm trying to keep the teeth I have. One crown has to be replaced, and one tooth has a big filling on it that is leaking, whatever that means. 

Okay, I think that's everything. I've ramble on and on, but I'm not sure I made a point. 

Take of this what you will

Peace, Joy, Love - B