Sketches of a Bipolar Girl: 24 months and 3 days

 

Hi Mom, 

Well, the day has come and gone, and I'm still alive. It was 2 years on Saturday that you left this world. I purposely slept in so I could avoid the actual hour of your passing.  For some, reason, this year was really hard. I started to fall into a depression about 2 1/2 weeks ago. 

Last year, on the first anniversary, we were moving into this apartment, so I really couldn't think about it too much.  But this year, things just kind of fell on my head.  On top of all that, I had run out of a couple of my psych meds and didn't have the money to get it. Also, I had my screening colonoscopy on the 15th. I had to fast for 24 hours and then the surgery messed up my digestive system. I wasn't able to process any food for a few days.  All that sort of stressed me so bad, I just felt exhausted. I slept for 3 days. 

Me being me, I couldn't drag myself out of bed to go to work, so now I'm short on funds and the rent is  due.  Why do I get myself into these situations? I really thought I was beyond all this crap.  Just goes to show me that I can't get over confident.  This is the year of attraction, right? Well, I don't feel like I'm attracting anything.  

Don't get me wrong, I am feeling better. Jerald gave the money for my meds, and he said I don't need to pay him back. I do have to pay April, since she picked it them up for me. I've doing pretty good with money so far. I got my taxes back, but only got $958 instead of the $2300 I was expecting. The IRS adjusted my return. I'm waiting for the letter advising me of the reason why. Anyway, the money is all gone, and since I didn't get what I  expected, I'm behind on my loan and car note. I should get it all straight by the end of this month since I have no plans of taking any sick days off. 

The job has cut my hours by a day for the next 2 weeks. They hired Deana, a student who was just observing. So, now they have adequate coverage. Part of me is like, damn it. But then the other part of me doesn't mind too much. I really like everyone I work with a lot. Except maybe Dr. Ram. He's a little acerbic. I don't think, he thinks too much of me, since the debacle with the keys. It was incredibly stupid on my part and I deserved to get yelled at for it.  I beat myself up about it over that entire weekend. 

That's when I knew I was getting depressed. I haven't taken things that personally for quite sometime. But, I was just so wrapped up in myself that I wasn't thinking.  

I changed my room over to it's Spring decorations. I pulled out the cream bedspread and the quilt Aunt Berta made for me. I got a couple of new throw pillows. I like home decor a great deal.  I bought some new red sheets too. I must have 10 sets of sheets and 10 matching towels sets. 

My acting lessons and Spanish lessons are coming along nicely. I hope to join a theater group next month. The classes will cost $240 for 8 weeks, one night a week.  The Spanish lessons are free on line. I don't speak it too well, but I can translate some simple conversations. I have to practice speaking. 

Well, I guess that's all for now.  I miss you so much. I was becoming afraid that I was starting to forget things about you. But the past week has shown me that it's not true. The memories came flooding in, and I think that overwhelmed me a bit.  

Anyway, you take care, tell everyone I said hello and that I miss them as well. Life is weird, I used to think I couldn't live without you, but here I am, 24 months and 3 days later and I'm still going strong.  Thank you for giving me your love and encouragement. I love you mommy. - B

Sketches of a Bipolar Girl: The Results Are In

 

So, insomnia has struck again.  I am out of medication, so I haven't been sleeping for the past few days.  I see my doctor on Thursday. In the meantime, I have been coughing and sneezing with a runny nose.  Normally, I wouldn't be too concerned, but in this time of the virus, I'm taking no chances. 

One of the girls I work with just got over Covid last week. So, naturally, I was a little worried. But, alas I am fine.  Since I was up, I took my home rapid result test and it came up negative.  Of course, it could be wrong.  I've had this runny nose going on two weeks now.  If it doesn't stop, I may just schedule a test at CVS. But, I do feel a bit better about the whole situation. 

Work is going great by the way.  I really like my job.  And just as I thought, I am good at it.  Although I did forget to put the cash drawer key away last night. I'll probably hear about that this morning.  But, all in all I think I'm doing pretty well.  I had my first salty client yesterday. It was a lady who only wants the doctor to look at her dog.  She doesn't want the techs looking at him at all.  Anyway, her appointment was at 1 pm, and the doctor had just left for lunch.  Needless to say, she was a little heated.  She wanted to speak to the practice manager, but Amy way not in yesterday.  So,  I was all apologetic.  We ended up calling the doctor to have him come right back.  She had her visit and went on her way.  

On my 3rd day, we had three euthanasia patients, so that was something.  On my 4th day, we had a cat just die while in the office And, just two days ago, we had someone walk in with a cat that showed up DOA. It had apparently fallen out of a tree.  It was sad. It was a very pretty long haired Siamese. 

I'm not getting upset at these things.  I honestly don't know if I'm just getting better at handling my emotions or if something is wrong.  I mean, I get flustered from time to time, but I'm not freaking out like I normally would have in the past. I guess I can discuss it with my therapist. I see her on the 14th. 

It will be the second anniversary of mom's death in a couple of weeks. I feel okay about it actually. I mean what am I going to do, dress in black and spend the day cowering in the corner? No, she would be so mad if I did that.  Ok, maybe not mad, but she wouldn't like it.  Maybe if I have the day off and some money, we can go out to dinner.  

We had a Chinese buffet last night in celebration of the Chinese New Year. It was kind of cool.  The food was fabulous. Pam and Steff and their mom, Miss Allison were here.  They've become part of the family.  Mickey wasn't here, she was at work.  Which is fine, all she does is sulk anyway. She is so jealous of Steffanie and Erica it's pitiful.  She's been talking about moving out, which is fine if that what she wants to do. I think she wants us to beg her to stay, which isn't going to happen.  She wants us to be her surrogate family, I think, but she won't meet us half way. She has complained to Erica about her relationship with me, which is puzzling because, we don't have a relationship. I am old enough to be her mom, hence we have no shared life experiences.  I like her just fine I guess.  She is sort of loud for me, but other than that I think she's okay.  I guess she wants to be my friend.  I'll give a little more I guess. 

Well, I guess that's all for now.  My computer is acting weird.  I really hate the technology that's taken over the world.  I suppose, I could just go back to keeping a journal. But then nobody would be able to read it. lol.  

Sketches of a Bipolar Girl: Contributing Member of Society

    

Well, I got a job!!!! Hooray!!! 

I am now a receptionist at Shepherd Animal Hospital.  It's full time, but it only pays $12 an hour.  Also, there's no benefits.  But, I don't care.  I have a job!! I am so damned excited.  The job is kind of easy.  Today was my 4th day.  

Yesterday, I worked the desk by myself.  The girl I was supposed to be working with got fired on Sunday.  I don't know all the scuttlebutt, but there you go.  Anyway, the day went pretty well.  I know how to make appointments, process payments, scan documents and notes on files.  

Apparently the other girl, who got fired, wasn't too good at her job.  She didn't follow instructions, etc.  Anyway, they told me, that I am doing well.  I can answer most of the questions, except if someone has a tech or doctor question.  I don't try to answer those questions because I'm not authorized to do so.  

At any rate, the people there are super nice, and they are all in their 20's.  I'm the grand old lady.  I'm going to get some hair dye on the way home tomorrow, because my grays are really showing.  I'm thinking of dying my eyebrows too. I've thought about it before, but I was afraid of getting dye in my eyes.  

I get to wear scrubs again, so I bought scrub sets from Amazon, and got a couple of long sleeved t-shirts from Walmart.  I'm all coordinated and look very cute.  I also got some orthotics that Dr. Walton recommended, and I wore them today. It worked out well. My ankle doesn't hurt so much because the orthotic prevents pronation. My leg is a little sore from walking more straight, but other than that, I can't complain. It still hurts, but not as bad. 

I'm getting a good amount of money back in taxes, and I still have my disability. I figure I'll notify them after I get a few paychecks.  So, I'll have 28 hours at the end of this week.  I think the pay periods run from Sunday to Saturday.  

In addition to the new job, I'm trying to get back to my acting classes, and I'm taking Spanish lessons online.  So far, it's going well.  Well, my year of attraction is working!! I still feel good and very positive.  I hope things continue on this course.  That's all for now.  Peace, Joy, Love - B 

Sketches of a Bipolar Girl: Great Expectations

 

It is the Year of Attraction for me. That's what I stated a couple of weeks ago. I said I would set my expectations for success and not settle for anything less than I deserve.  I had decided that I was going to view the world in a positive way and send out positive vibrations.  Well, who'd thunk it, but it works.  

I GOT A JOB!!!!!  It's not the high paying job at Suwanee Animal Hospital, but a small hospital in Duluth.  It only pays $12.00 per hour to start, but it's okay for now.  I just wanted a job.  I fully expect to get a raise in a few months.  I'm very excited about this.  The people there are very nice, the atmosphere is calm and it's only 15 minutes away. 

The downside?  Of course, the pay.  But I still have my disability.  It went up to $1520 a month this year, and with my pay from the new job, I will be able to get back on track eventually.  I will report it to the Social Security Department in a month or so, just to be on the safe side. 

I don't foresee any stressful problems that will cause me to have a breakdown or anything.  Like I said, the pace at this hospital is pretty slow as far as reception is concerned.  It's really just what I was looking for.  But, I'll see how it goes anyway. 

Everyone is really happy for me. I think that this has relieved April somewhat, in that she won't have to worry about my rent, or buying me food.  I did borrow $82.00 from Erica today, so I could order my scrubs from Amazon.  

The other downside to this job is that there aren't any benefits. So when I do finally get off Social Security, I'll have to find some health insurance. That will be interesting.  I haven't been without Medicare for almost 20 years.  

In other late breaking news, we got a dog!! That's right, we have another fur baby in the house.  He is a 5 month old husky mix. We named him Kyber.  Erica and I went to the Cobb County Animal shelter looking for a little Doberman puppy, but she had been adopted.  So, we looked at other puppies, and he just looked so scared and alone, we couldn't help it.  So, we brought him home. 

So far he's doing well for a puppy.  He has had some accidents in the house, but that's to be expected.  Erica is leash training him right now, and trying to get him to walk out of the door on his own.  He's gotten much better at that, since before she had to carry him in and out of the door.  He's starting to know his name.  I don't interfere too much in his training, etc., because he is Erica's dog.  

The cats don't pay much attention to him, so that worked out well.  Ky doesn't mess with them too much either, except when he wants to play.  Then, they back up and run away from him.  

Other than that, things are pretty much going great.  I texted my brother and told him about the job, and he was happy of course.  One day, I'm going to pay him back some of the money he's given me over the years.  But that's far in the future.  I'm going to have to learn how to space out my money and budget again, since I get paid biweekly on Thursdays.  Of course, with Chime I will get paid on Tuesdays, which is cool.  

My first day is this Friday, the 21st.  I have to move around most of my medical appointments, except for my eye appointment, Dr. Walton and my colonoscopy.  I don't want to change those.  Everything else will have to change to late February or March. I hope it all works out schedule wise.  I've had those appointments set for quite a while.  I suppose I could change Dr. Walton if need be.  Oh well, I'll worry about that a little later.  

In the meantime, the Laws of Attraction are working.  I am finally free of all the fear and worry of my life. I've put the past very far behind me. I'm still going to see my therapist just to keep myself grounded. Otherwise, I feel like a grown up adult human who is handling her life.  I have nothing but great expectations for my future.  Instead of dread, I'm looking forward to it.  Now, if I could just get this insomnia under control, I'd be doing something.  

Peace, Joy, Love - B

Sketches of a Bipolar Girl: Dear Dad

 

Dear Daddy, 

Hi, it's me Bev.  Well, it's been a year since you've been gone.  I face the day with a tiny bit of sadness and a bit of hope.  We've been doing okay since you left.  You told us to go ahead and live our lives, and that's what we've been doing. 

In the beginning, it was hard.  I felt like an orphan when you died.  I thought that with both you and mom gone, I was totally alone in the world.  But, I realized that I wasn't.  I still have April, Erica, Sean and Jerald.  I've only talked to him once this year.  He is still keeping his distance from me.  Maybe one day I can repair the rift between us.  

I also have been keeping in close contact with Aunt Gloria. We talk on the phone at least once a week.  In fact, I'm going to call her later today.  She's been a great comfort to me.  We talk about all kinds of things, not just you and mom.  

April is doing well at work.  Erica lost her job back in July.  It was not a good parting of the ways, but it was for the best as that job was making her sick.  It was a very toxic environment.  Jerald got a promotion to supervisor, so he is still working hard and doing well.  Sean is still driving the big rig for Amazon.  He has started training new drivers when he isn't driving himself.  He got transferred to a new site, but is still looking to move up here this year.  That's my hope anyway.  April worries about him being a truck driver.  

Me? Well, my ankle is finally healed and I am doing pretty well. I walk with a limp now because my ankle is now one piece, so it doesn't bend all the way for a normal gait.  But, other than that I have no complaints.  I mean I could complain, but what difference would it make?  It is what it is. 

Do you hear me when I talk to you?  There's a special star that I say is you, and I look up at it and talk to you.  I wish I had a recording of your voice, just so I could hear you once in a while, but I suppose that would be pitiful. I remember you in my mind and heart, so I suppose that's enough.  

I just turned in my notice to Amazon a few minutes ago.  I cannot be on my feet that long anymore.  I can walk around for about an hour before my ankle hurts and starts  to swell.  After that, I have to sit down for a while.  

I hope you're enjoying yourself.  I hope that it's everything that you hoped for and you get to see  Uncle Charles and Nana and PopPop.  Tell them I said hello.  I miss you daddy.  I'm no one's baby girl anymore. I'm just a grown up adult person. I finally learned to take care of myself.  I hope I make you proud.  I love you forever and a day. - B

Sketches of a Bipolar Girl: New Year, New Me?

 

Well, 2022 has reared it's ugly head on the world.  It promises nothing.  I suppose that we can expect the trend of death, poverty and despair to reign over the world for another 12 months.  I, however, am feeling positive.  

Why? Because I have decided that this is the year that something big is going to happen.  I'm not sure exactly what that will be, but I am determined not to go out of 2022 the same way I ended last year. 

I got in touch with a charity for rental assistance and was approved for 2 months of help.  I also applied for food stamps.  However, because I have a car, I only qualified for, are you ready for this?  Fucking $20.  That's it.  I guess I can buy a few things, but I ain't getting nothing good.  

I have a job interview on Monday with a local vet hospital.  It's a hospital that is part of a big organization, so I should be able to get the pay and benefits I want.  I hope I get.  I want to get out of this house and go to a job.  A year at home is quite enough thank you.  

I still haven't told Amazon I'm not coming back.  I see the doctor on the 5th, so I'll tell them then.  Regardless of whether I get this job on Monday, I can't go back.  My ankle is permanently damaged.  

We rang in the new year with some friends here at home.  We played board games, drank and shot of fireworks at midnight.  Everything broke up at 1:30 am.  I'm so glad I'm over my "oh my God, I gotta go to a party" phase of life.  I just don't give a shit about that stuff anymore.  I'm quite happy spending time watching old movies and cuddling with Zelda.  She loved the fireworks by the way.  

I started chatting online with a guy a week ago.  I'm not taking that seriously.  He sounds fishy. Plus, he supposedly lives in Miami and is going to France for 3 months.  Whatever dude.  I reply to him if I feel in the mood.  I'm not putting up with any bullshit from guys this year. I want a real gentleman, with a good job, who is looking for a committed relationship.  Anything else, keep on  steppin". 

Guess who called me a couple of weeks ago?  Kevin!!!! I was like, what the hell do you want. But, he just called to say hi I guess. As usual, he said he would call me later, but he never did.  I didn't call him.  He was still spouting the same crap as before. He still is a hobosexual. I wish him nothing but the best, but this girl ain't biting at that hook again.  Once I stop and think about it, the sex was only mediocre.  

I am thinking about getting a lover just for sex purposes. Kinda like what I had with Brad, except with a little more fun.  I would like to go out once in while as friends.  We can just be friends who fuck regularly.  Is there such a thing? 

I suppose I sound a little harsh, but I've had my heart open for several years now, putting other people before myself.  I'm not doing that anymore. 2022 is the year of selfcare.  If you can't deal with the fact that I am the most important person in my life, then I have no place for you.  If you want to join me on my journey, by all means, climb aboard!! 

Am I making resolutions? Nope, don't believe in them.  I'm going to focus on some goals.  The first goal is to improve my financial situation.  Once I do that, I am going to travel a little.  I've never been to Savannah, Las Vegas, or Washington, DC.  I've only been to New Orleans once.  I'd like to go back.  Hopefully, this COVID shit will calm down or possible be eradicated and people will be okay again.  I doubt it, but I'm praying.  Speaking of praying, that is another goal.  I need to get back in touch with my spiritual side.  I've been lax in that area.  I'm also going to really concentrate on letting go of my creativity.  Once the finances are straightened out, I want to take an art class.  I don't care what kind at this point.  I started taking Spanish lessons.  It's pretty fun.  I have to make a commitment to it.  

Well, I guess that's it.  I'm going to make a list of these goals.  I don't have to do them all this year, just the financial one.  Everything else will fall into place after that.  So it's a New Year.  On the 6th, it will be a year since my dad died.  I'm not sad.  I was a little melancholy on his birthday, Dec. 21st.  But, it was a good day.  We'll see what happens next week.  Maybe my goal will be met.  In fact, I claim it in Jesus's name.  I am financially secure and my family doesn't need anything else for the rest of our lives.  We are living life like it's golden!!    

Sketches of a Bipolar Girl: As Days Go By

 

Well, I didn't get the job.  I did have an interview with Petplan.  It's health insurance for pets. It was probably one of the best interviews I ever had.  I was relaxed, comfortable, and confident.  It's a purely remote position.  They provide the equipment.  I provide the internet.  We have a high speed connection already, but the wifi signal gets weak in the back of the house.  Erica said she'd get a wifi booster from Google to fix the problem.

However, I'll have to see if I get the job first.  It won't start until January if I do get it.  Also, it's a temporary position.  It may only last 3 months or they may extend it.  That depends on the need.  That's what she said anyway.  

In the meantime, I'm flat broke.  I've got not money, and no food.  I'm eating what I have which is bacon and cereal.  I have an egg every once in a while.  I eat only twice a day now.  I've lost almost 10 pounds.  Which is fine I guess, but I'd like it to be for another reason other than poverty. 

I had a session with my therapist last week, and she gave me some info for food banks and the United Way.  I contacted the United Way and got some references from them.  I'm behind on my rent, car and loan payments.  My cell phone is past due, and I'm barely making my card payments.  I haven't paid any medical bills lately.  I'm fucked I guess.  I think I get my disability this Friday, but it's already spent.  I still have to tell Erica I can't pay my rent.  I'm so ashamed and embarrassed.  I don't know what to do or what to say.

I'm going to check out the references I got from the United Way to see if they can help me.  I may have to sell my car.  Oh well, she was fun while she lasted. I'm pretty much hating myself right now.  Amazon is expecting me back at work in January.  I have to tell them it's not going to happen.  My resume is all updated and ready to go.  I wish I had a skill that went anywhere.  I wish I hadn't been such a loser and dropped out of college.  I'm only a few credits away from getting my degree, but it's not for anything specific.  I should have gotten my degree in biology and gone to med school.  But no, I had to have a nervous breakdown and be a loser.  Plus, I didn't have any money.  I could have figured something out if I really worked at it.  I guess  I'm just a lazy cow. 

I'm going to look into some free language courses on duolingo, and other courses on Coursera.  I should learn something.  I mean, my mind is not mush.  There is something up there.  I mean, c'mon, I'm smart right?  I've got something to offer don't I?  If not, I might as well cash in my chips now and stop draining my family and society.  Well, I guess I better get to it.  Hopefully, I'll have a job soon and be working on myself.  Ciao! 

Sketches of a Bipolar Girl: The Dangling Carrot or Somebody Give Me a Damn Job!!

 

Well, I had an interview last week.  I'm supposed to hear something this week, but I'm not holding out much hope.  I mean it's Monday for goodness sake.  She said they had other people to interview, but if they really wanted me, I would have heard something by now.  That's been my experience anyway. 

I had another interview later in the week.  It was just a phone interview.  It didn't go that well.  I wasn't really ready and I didn't really present myself too well. I had my hopes set on the first interview, but like I said, nothing yet. 

Today, I had another phone interview.  This time with PetPlan insurance. The interview went really well, the woman liked me, and I was poised and confident.  It's a totally remote job, they provide the equipment and everything.  All I need is high speed internet, which we have.  The connection can be wireless too.  Some other places say you need to have a hard wire. 

Anyway, I'm really excited. I hope I get it.  It only pays $15.30 per hour and no benefits, but I don't have to spend money on gas.  It's just a temporary position, but if it works out I may get hired on full time with benefits.  

I've been up since 1:30 am, so I'm running on adrenaline.  My eyes are exhausted. My shoulder hurts and my mind is running a mile a minute.  I'm manic right now.  I'm hearing things, so I've had to be very quiet today.  No music or television.  The voices I'm hearing sound like men announcing news on the radio.  At least it's not those awful sport noises.  Ok, My brain is tired.  I really need a job.  I'm behind on my bills and my credit rating fell 30 points.  

That's all I guess.  I don't have anything for dinner.  I guess it's grilled cheese. meh. 

Sketches of a Bipolar Girl: Thanksgiving???

                                            

It's almost that time.  Thanksgiving day, the big holiday kickoff is next Thursday.  It's supposed to be a day when we Americans celebrate the safe arrival of the Pilgrims and them breaking bread with the natives they found here. This was all before we plundered their land and gave them diseases, of course. 

It's also a day when we are suppose to examine ourselves and give thanks for what we have, yada yada. So, what am I thankful for?  I have no idea.  Right now, not much.  I am thankful I have a nice home, but I can barely make rent.  I have a car I can no longer afford.  I have plenty of clothes, but no where to go. I also have food, but not a lot.  In fact, I am running out of food as we speak.  I need to apply for food stamps, but I'm having trouble downloading the forms.

I am, I suppose, thankful for my family.  I mean, my sister and I have been getting along.  I don't deal with my brother anymore.  I think I give up where he's concerned.  I'm going to see my aunt and uncle this Sunday.  That will be nice.  I must admit, I'm still a little pissed about my dad.  It's the first holiday season without him.  I guess I've reconciled myself with the fact that my mom is gone.  

I'm not making anything for Thanksgiving dinner.  Erica's friends are coming over for dinner.  Well, not all of them, just her other best friend with her family.  This will be our first Thanksgiving with Mickey, so we'll see how that goes.  I've never spent Thanksgiving with a white person before, can you believe that? 

April and Erica are going out on Friday night to see a comedian.  He's really funny too!  At least, I think they are going.  There was an issue with the tickets last night.  Did they ask me about it?  Of course not! Should they have?  Yes, indeed!  I could have scraped up the money if I had known.  But, their world doesn't have much room for me.  I am included in the Nashville trip to see the ISU skating championships in January.  

I have 2 job interviews this week. One tomorrow and the other on Friday.  Either one will work. One job is with Petplan, it's temporary, but I'm desperate.  The other is a vet receptionist in Smyrna.  I guess I'm going to have to settle for $16 an hour.  I need more, but I can't do this anymore.  It's not working, and all my efforts to get my credit on track are taking a hit.  

Well, I got 20 minutes before my therapy session.  I wonder what I will talk about.  I'll tell her about this morning's dream.  I wonder what it means.  I may write about it later.  I don't know.  It was kind of traumatic. I'd prefer not to think about it too much.  TTFN - B

Sketches of a Bipolar Girl: The Way of the Dawn

 

It's 6:22 am right now.  I've been up since 2:25.  I woke up because I was in a deep dream and I had to pee.  I almost wet the bed.  In the dream, I was in a collage dormitory.  For some reason that I don't know, I was white girl with long blonde hair.  At any rate, I was talking with someone, and suddenly had to pee.  It was kind of strange because all the other girls in the dorm thought I was bulimic. At any rate, I almost peed myself through and through.  That angered me a little because I just changed the bedding yesterday. 

I changed my pajama pants and went outside to smoke.  It's cold outside; 39 degrees.  That's pretty darn cold for Georgia.  April broke down and put the heat on last night, because when she came home it was only 66 degrees in the house. I still have a window cracked open in my room, and sleep with the ceiling fan on.  I need fresh circulating air to sleep soundly.  

I tried to go back to bed, but my mind said no.  My body was willing, but my mind was whirling.  Right now, I have a headache.  I'll take a nap later I guess. 

I finally gave up and went to smoke another cigarette a couple of hours later, and thought I would watch the sun come up, but the wind has picked up and it's even colder out than it was before.  It's one of those mornings that makes you want someone to cuddle up to and savor the warmth of the covers.  But in my case, I just have to settle for the cat.  She's not even here right now.  

I had a session with my therapist yesterday.  It was ok.  I told her about my dream with my parents.  I don't think there's any big psychological breakthrough there.  I miss them terribly and am afraid that they are disappointed in me.  What can I do about it?  I can't think of anything.  I've always tried to be a good girl, and I've never felt like I was enough.  I didn't think those feelings would continue but they do.  

I haven't heard anything about the job yet.  I sent a thank you email yesterday, so I'm hoping that generates some response.  I'm trying to remain positive and put out good vibes so that the universe will manifest what I want.  I don't really pray anymore.  I'm kind of just floating around hoping I don't get hit by a meteorite. 

I hope to get out of the house today.  I'd like to go with them on their Saturday errands.  They went to the movies last night.  I didn't go, because I wasn't asked, nor did I have the money to pay for myself.  So, I stayed home and took a hot shower and went to bed.  So it goes.  I wonder if the sun is coming up yet, so that I can see it.  The cats are looking for their breakfast.  I'm not going to feed them right now.  They'll be fine for another hour.  Time for another cigarette.  

Peace Joy Love - B

Sketches of a Bipolar Girl: A Day Without Words

 

So yesterday I was alone all day.  April was at work, and Erica and her friends went out all day touring the sights.  Here I was alone with 3 cats and the tv.  I woke up feeling like crap and I didn't want to do anything.

I ended up taking a bath because I thought it would help me feel better.  I felt very slightly energized, but it didn't last.  I suppose it was a better circumstance than the  day before when I slept all day.  I then slept all night.  Last night, I went to bed at 7:30.  No one seemed to miss me.  They were out there playing games and watching movies, while I was in my room watching Everybody Loves Raymond reruns.  

I suppose I should have gone out to the living room and put  myself in the conversation, but I discovered the other night at the party that I am not funny or even slightly amusing.  I told a couple of jokes, which bombed incredibly bad, and Erica's friends just kind of looked at me.

I used to be funny.  I was funny in high school, and even my coworkers would say I was fun to be around.  All my coworkers except at Amazon.  I didn't talk much there.  Never had the chance.  I'm kinda of just a loose wire that no one can figure out where it goes.  So, I just get thrown into the junk drawer.  

Anyway, with no one to talk to all day, I didn't say a word until 6 pm.  That's when April came home and brought me a pack of cigarettes.  I said thanks.  It was an hour after that before I spoke a whole sentence.  I saw her filling out some paperwork, and asked her what she was doing.  She was filling out her passport application.  

She and Erica had their passport pictures taken today.  She said they did it just to have them, but they'll probably go somewhere next year without me.  They always do.  They probably won't even ask if I want to go, which is typical.  I'm the one who looked up and printed out the stinking applications in the first place.  Mine is done, but as per usual, I don't have the money to get it done.  

I'm not much of a person anymore.  For the past year, I've just been existing.  I had a dream about my parents last night.  We were at my Nana's house, and I kept trying to tell them something, but they just kept accusing me of things.  When I tried to say it wasn't my fault, they didn't believe me.  My mom was so mad,  and just kept saying they couldn't trust me.  For some reason it was dark in the house, and I couldn't get any of the lights to work.  At any rate, I woke up very sad. 

I haven't spoken much today either.  Erica just went to the store and did actually ask me if I wanted something.  I  just asked for ginger ale. My appetite is very bad.  I'm not hungry lately.  I hardly ate anything at the party except for cheese dip and crackers.  I ate 2 of my cookies, which everyone loved by the way.  

I have a phone interview in a few minutes for a vet receptionist job.  I really need a job.  I don't have any money and my bills are past due.  I need $18 hour to make ends meet.  I hope this works out.  I'll worry about my ankle later.  I can drive if I strap my foot up.  How will my no talking thing work for the interview?  

Had my interview!  I did amazingly well!!! My cute bubbly customer service self was right on point! Now I'm just waiting for an email for a working interview.  Yahoo.  I'm going to smoke. 

Peace Joy Love - B

Sketches of a Bipolar Girl: Cookie Dough

 

It's Fall, and I am starting to think about the holidays.  When I think of the holidays, I think of my family.  I especially think of my mom.  She loved to bake for the holidays.  She didn't bake for Halloween so much, but she did make Fall cookies.  She had a wonderful sugar cookie recipe.  

I've tried to make it in the past, but they never came out right.  I either used too much flour to roll them out, or I burned them.  The best part of making them is the dough.  My mom's dough was so rich and buttery with just the right amount of vanilla. 

I made a batch of dough this morning.  I used the best ingredients I could find in hopes of having the dough taste as good as hers.  I bought Kellers Irish butter, Eggland's best eggs, Watkins pure Madagascar vanilla, Gold Medal flour and Domino's pure cane sugar.  I mixed it all together by hand and voila!! I tasted it, naturally, and it came out great.  Tomorrow is the big test. 

I'm making the cookies for my niece's Halloween party this week.  They aren't going to be as thin as my mom made them, because some of them are going to have icing decorations.  Not that horrible icing that you find on those so-called sugar cookies at the grocery store, but maybe some outlining in icing.  I have bat, scary cat, coffin, ghosts, witch hat and pumpkin cookie cutters.  

If these go well, I'll make Christmas cookies for the family.  My mom used to make a whole bunch of different kinds of cookies and mail them out to my cousins and such.  I'm going to make sugar cookies, chocolate chip, oatmeal and peanut butter cookies this Christmas. 

I'm even going to try a couple of other things my mom was famous for, like her orange cake and her pineapple upside down cake.  I already know how to make a good apple pie.  I need to work on her recipe for lemon meringue.  

I know you're probably wondering why a person with diabetes is around all this sugar, but I don't eat it.  I just like to do things for my family.  I was really meant to be an old-fashioned homemaker.  My kids would have had fresh snacks when they came home from school.  Dinner would have been homemade and delicious.  Sunday would have a lavish meal with dessert.  

I've been daydreaming about getting married again, and have been on Pintrest picking out wedding gowns and all kinds of day dresses.  I like those moments in fashion where women wore daydresses and went out with hats and gloves on.  I'm romanticizing I know, but that's what I do to pass the time.  Truth be told, I am lonely again. But, at the same time, I don't want to be around anyone. I just want to be outside and watch people  go by, if that makes any sense. I'm an observer.  

I've been day dreaming about winning the lottery again too.  Sure, lots of people do that, but my dreams are kind of different.  I don't dream about buying a big house or boats etc.  For one thing, I don't plan on living with anyone until I get married or adopt children.  I'm going to give my sister and brother 1 million, Sean and Erica 500,000 each and say see ya later. I plan on buying a little house in Flowery Branch, and getting a couple of dogs and another cat. I don't know how much I'll win in the lottery but it's over 100 million, so I'll have plenty to do what I want.  

I'm going to take cooking lessons, ceramics and painting lessons.  I plan on having a little green house and a pollinator garden in my backyard to attract hummingbirds, butterflies and bees.  It will be great.  I wish I could do something with the cookies to open a business, but in fact, I'm lazy when it comes to working.  I'd rather not work with the public if I can help it.  I don't like people all that much.  I'd rather eat cookie dough and watch Everybody Loves Raymond. 

Peace Joy Love-B