Sketches of a Bipolar Girl: As Days Go By

 

Well, I didn't get the job.  I did have an interview with Petplan.  It's health insurance for pets. It was probably one of the best interviews I ever had.  I was relaxed, comfortable, and confident.  It's a purely remote position.  They provide the equipment.  I provide the internet.  We have a high speed connection already, but the wifi signal gets weak in the back of the house.  Erica said she'd get a wifi booster from Google to fix the problem.

However, I'll have to see if I get the job first.  It won't start until January if I do get it.  Also, it's a temporary position.  It may only last 3 months or they may extend it.  That depends on the need.  That's what she said anyway.  

In the meantime, I'm flat broke.  I've got not money, and no food.  I'm eating what I have which is bacon and cereal.  I have an egg every once in a while.  I eat only twice a day now.  I've lost almost 10 pounds.  Which is fine I guess, but I'd like it to be for another reason other than poverty. 

I had a session with my therapist last week, and she gave me some info for food banks and the United Way.  I contacted the United Way and got some references from them.  I'm behind on my rent, car and loan payments.  My cell phone is past due, and I'm barely making my card payments.  I haven't paid any medical bills lately.  I'm fucked I guess.  I think I get my disability this Friday, but it's already spent.  I still have to tell Erica I can't pay my rent.  I'm so ashamed and embarrassed.  I don't know what to do or what to say.

I'm going to check out the references I got from the United Way to see if they can help me.  I may have to sell my car.  Oh well, she was fun while she lasted. I'm pretty much hating myself right now.  Amazon is expecting me back at work in January.  I have to tell them it's not going to happen.  My resume is all updated and ready to go.  I wish I had a skill that went anywhere.  I wish I hadn't been such a loser and dropped out of college.  I'm only a few credits away from getting my degree, but it's not for anything specific.  I should have gotten my degree in biology and gone to med school.  But no, I had to have a nervous breakdown and be a loser.  Plus, I didn't have any money.  I could have figured something out if I really worked at it.  I guess  I'm just a lazy cow. 

I'm going to look into some free language courses on duolingo, and other courses on Coursera.  I should learn something.  I mean, my mind is not mush.  There is something up there.  I mean, c'mon, I'm smart right?  I've got something to offer don't I?  If not, I might as well cash in my chips now and stop draining my family and society.  Well, I guess I better get to it.  Hopefully, I'll have a job soon and be working on myself.  Ciao! 

Sketches of a Bipolar Girl: The Dangling Carrot or Somebody Give Me a Damn Job!!

 

Well, I had an interview last week.  I'm supposed to hear something this week, but I'm not holding out much hope.  I mean it's Monday for goodness sake.  She said they had other people to interview, but if they really wanted me, I would have heard something by now.  That's been my experience anyway. 

I had another interview later in the week.  It was just a phone interview.  It didn't go that well.  I wasn't really ready and I didn't really present myself too well. I had my hopes set on the first interview, but like I said, nothing yet. 

Today, I had another phone interview.  This time with PetPlan insurance. The interview went really well, the woman liked me, and I was poised and confident.  It's a totally remote job, they provide the equipment and everything.  All I need is high speed internet, which we have.  The connection can be wireless too.  Some other places say you need to have a hard wire. 

Anyway, I'm really excited. I hope I get it.  It only pays $15.30 per hour and no benefits, but I don't have to spend money on gas.  It's just a temporary position, but if it works out I may get hired on full time with benefits.  

I've been up since 1:30 am, so I'm running on adrenaline.  My eyes are exhausted. My shoulder hurts and my mind is running a mile a minute.  I'm manic right now.  I'm hearing things, so I've had to be very quiet today.  No music or television.  The voices I'm hearing sound like men announcing news on the radio.  At least it's not those awful sport noises.  Ok, My brain is tired.  I really need a job.  I'm behind on my bills and my credit rating fell 30 points.  

That's all I guess.  I don't have anything for dinner.  I guess it's grilled cheese. meh. 

Sketches of a Bipolar Girl: Thanksgiving???

                                            

It's almost that time.  Thanksgiving day, the big holiday kickoff is next Thursday.  It's supposed to be a day when we Americans celebrate the safe arrival of the Pilgrims and them breaking bread with the natives they found here. This was all before we plundered their land and gave them diseases, of course. 

It's also a day when we are suppose to examine ourselves and give thanks for what we have, yada yada. So, what am I thankful for?  I have no idea.  Right now, not much.  I am thankful I have a nice home, but I can barely make rent.  I have a car I can no longer afford.  I have plenty of clothes, but no where to go. I also have food, but not a lot.  In fact, I am running out of food as we speak.  I need to apply for food stamps, but I'm having trouble downloading the forms.

I am, I suppose, thankful for my family.  I mean, my sister and I have been getting along.  I don't deal with my brother anymore.  I think I give up where he's concerned.  I'm going to see my aunt and uncle this Sunday.  That will be nice.  I must admit, I'm still a little pissed about my dad.  It's the first holiday season without him.  I guess I've reconciled myself with the fact that my mom is gone.  

I'm not making anything for Thanksgiving dinner.  Erica's friends are coming over for dinner.  Well, not all of them, just her other best friend with her family.  This will be our first Thanksgiving with Mickey, so we'll see how that goes.  I've never spent Thanksgiving with a white person before, can you believe that? 

April and Erica are going out on Friday night to see a comedian.  He's really funny too!  At least, I think they are going.  There was an issue with the tickets last night.  Did they ask me about it?  Of course not! Should they have?  Yes, indeed!  I could have scraped up the money if I had known.  But, their world doesn't have much room for me.  I am included in the Nashville trip to see the ISU skating championships in January.  

I have 2 job interviews this week. One tomorrow and the other on Friday.  Either one will work. One job is with Petplan, it's temporary, but I'm desperate.  The other is a vet receptionist in Smyrna.  I guess I'm going to have to settle for $16 an hour.  I need more, but I can't do this anymore.  It's not working, and all my efforts to get my credit on track are taking a hit.  

Well, I got 20 minutes before my therapy session.  I wonder what I will talk about.  I'll tell her about this morning's dream.  I wonder what it means.  I may write about it later.  I don't know.  It was kind of traumatic. I'd prefer not to think about it too much.  TTFN - B

Sketches of a Bipolar Girl: The Way of the Dawn

 

It's 6:22 am right now.  I've been up since 2:25.  I woke up because I was in a deep dream and I had to pee.  I almost wet the bed.  In the dream, I was in a collage dormitory.  For some reason that I don't know, I was white girl with long blonde hair.  At any rate, I was talking with someone, and suddenly had to pee.  It was kind of strange because all the other girls in the dorm thought I was bulimic. At any rate, I almost peed myself through and through.  That angered me a little because I just changed the bedding yesterday. 

I changed my pajama pants and went outside to smoke.  It's cold outside; 39 degrees.  That's pretty darn cold for Georgia.  April broke down and put the heat on last night, because when she came home it was only 66 degrees in the house. I still have a window cracked open in my room, and sleep with the ceiling fan on.  I need fresh circulating air to sleep soundly.  

I tried to go back to bed, but my mind said no.  My body was willing, but my mind was whirling.  Right now, I have a headache.  I'll take a nap later I guess. 

I finally gave up and went to smoke another cigarette a couple of hours later, and thought I would watch the sun come up, but the wind has picked up and it's even colder out than it was before.  It's one of those mornings that makes you want someone to cuddle up to and savor the warmth of the covers.  But in my case, I just have to settle for the cat.  She's not even here right now.  

I had a session with my therapist yesterday.  It was ok.  I told her about my dream with my parents.  I don't think there's any big psychological breakthrough there.  I miss them terribly and am afraid that they are disappointed in me.  What can I do about it?  I can't think of anything.  I've always tried to be a good girl, and I've never felt like I was enough.  I didn't think those feelings would continue but they do.  

I haven't heard anything about the job yet.  I sent a thank you email yesterday, so I'm hoping that generates some response.  I'm trying to remain positive and put out good vibes so that the universe will manifest what I want.  I don't really pray anymore.  I'm kind of just floating around hoping I don't get hit by a meteorite. 

I hope to get out of the house today.  I'd like to go with them on their Saturday errands.  They went to the movies last night.  I didn't go, because I wasn't asked, nor did I have the money to pay for myself.  So, I stayed home and took a hot shower and went to bed.  So it goes.  I wonder if the sun is coming up yet, so that I can see it.  The cats are looking for their breakfast.  I'm not going to feed them right now.  They'll be fine for another hour.  Time for another cigarette.  

Peace Joy Love - B

Sketches of a Bipolar Girl: A Day Without Words

 

So yesterday I was alone all day.  April was at work, and Erica and her friends went out all day touring the sights.  Here I was alone with 3 cats and the tv.  I woke up feeling like crap and I didn't want to do anything.

I ended up taking a bath because I thought it would help me feel better.  I felt very slightly energized, but it didn't last.  I suppose it was a better circumstance than the  day before when I slept all day.  I then slept all night.  Last night, I went to bed at 7:30.  No one seemed to miss me.  They were out there playing games and watching movies, while I was in my room watching Everybody Loves Raymond reruns.  

I suppose I should have gone out to the living room and put  myself in the conversation, but I discovered the other night at the party that I am not funny or even slightly amusing.  I told a couple of jokes, which bombed incredibly bad, and Erica's friends just kind of looked at me.

I used to be funny.  I was funny in high school, and even my coworkers would say I was fun to be around.  All my coworkers except at Amazon.  I didn't talk much there.  Never had the chance.  I'm kinda of just a loose wire that no one can figure out where it goes.  So, I just get thrown into the junk drawer.  

Anyway, with no one to talk to all day, I didn't say a word until 6 pm.  That's when April came home and brought me a pack of cigarettes.  I said thanks.  It was an hour after that before I spoke a whole sentence.  I saw her filling out some paperwork, and asked her what she was doing.  She was filling out her passport application.  

She and Erica had their passport pictures taken today.  She said they did it just to have them, but they'll probably go somewhere next year without me.  They always do.  They probably won't even ask if I want to go, which is typical.  I'm the one who looked up and printed out the stinking applications in the first place.  Mine is done, but as per usual, I don't have the money to get it done.  

I'm not much of a person anymore.  For the past year, I've just been existing.  I had a dream about my parents last night.  We were at my Nana's house, and I kept trying to tell them something, but they just kept accusing me of things.  When I tried to say it wasn't my fault, they didn't believe me.  My mom was so mad,  and just kept saying they couldn't trust me.  For some reason it was dark in the house, and I couldn't get any of the lights to work.  At any rate, I woke up very sad. 

I haven't spoken much today either.  Erica just went to the store and did actually ask me if I wanted something.  I  just asked for ginger ale. My appetite is very bad.  I'm not hungry lately.  I hardly ate anything at the party except for cheese dip and crackers.  I ate 2 of my cookies, which everyone loved by the way.  

I have a phone interview in a few minutes for a vet receptionist job.  I really need a job.  I don't have any money and my bills are past due.  I need $18 hour to make ends meet.  I hope this works out.  I'll worry about my ankle later.  I can drive if I strap my foot up.  How will my no talking thing work for the interview?  

Had my interview!  I did amazingly well!!! My cute bubbly customer service self was right on point! Now I'm just waiting for an email for a working interview.  Yahoo.  I'm going to smoke. 

Peace Joy Love - B

Sketches of a Bipolar Girl: Cookie Dough

 

It's Fall, and I am starting to think about the holidays.  When I think of the holidays, I think of my family.  I especially think of my mom.  She loved to bake for the holidays.  She didn't bake for Halloween so much, but she did make Fall cookies.  She had a wonderful sugar cookie recipe.  

I've tried to make it in the past, but they never came out right.  I either used too much flour to roll them out, or I burned them.  The best part of making them is the dough.  My mom's dough was so rich and buttery with just the right amount of vanilla. 

I made a batch of dough this morning.  I used the best ingredients I could find in hopes of having the dough taste as good as hers.  I bought Kellers Irish butter, Eggland's best eggs, Watkins pure Madagascar vanilla, Gold Medal flour and Domino's pure cane sugar.  I mixed it all together by hand and voila!! I tasted it, naturally, and it came out great.  Tomorrow is the big test. 

I'm making the cookies for my niece's Halloween party this week.  They aren't going to be as thin as my mom made them, because some of them are going to have icing decorations.  Not that horrible icing that you find on those so-called sugar cookies at the grocery store, but maybe some outlining in icing.  I have bat, scary cat, coffin, ghosts, witch hat and pumpkin cookie cutters.  

If these go well, I'll make Christmas cookies for the family.  My mom used to make a whole bunch of different kinds of cookies and mail them out to my cousins and such.  I'm going to make sugar cookies, chocolate chip, oatmeal and peanut butter cookies this Christmas. 

I'm even going to try a couple of other things my mom was famous for, like her orange cake and her pineapple upside down cake.  I already know how to make a good apple pie.  I need to work on her recipe for lemon meringue.  

I know you're probably wondering why a person with diabetes is around all this sugar, but I don't eat it.  I just like to do things for my family.  I was really meant to be an old-fashioned homemaker.  My kids would have had fresh snacks when they came home from school.  Dinner would have been homemade and delicious.  Sunday would have a lavish meal with dessert.  

I've been daydreaming about getting married again, and have been on Pintrest picking out wedding gowns and all kinds of day dresses.  I like those moments in fashion where women wore daydresses and went out with hats and gloves on.  I'm romanticizing I know, but that's what I do to pass the time.  Truth be told, I am lonely again. But, at the same time, I don't want to be around anyone. I just want to be outside and watch people  go by, if that makes any sense. I'm an observer.  

I've been day dreaming about winning the lottery again too.  Sure, lots of people do that, but my dreams are kind of different.  I don't dream about buying a big house or boats etc.  For one thing, I don't plan on living with anyone until I get married or adopt children.  I'm going to give my sister and brother 1 million, Sean and Erica 500,000 each and say see ya later. I plan on buying a little house in Flowery Branch, and getting a couple of dogs and another cat. I don't know how much I'll win in the lottery but it's over 100 million, so I'll have plenty to do what I want.  

I'm going to take cooking lessons, ceramics and painting lessons.  I plan on having a little green house and a pollinator garden in my backyard to attract hummingbirds, butterflies and bees.  It will be great.  I wish I could do something with the cookies to open a business, but in fact, I'm lazy when it comes to working.  I'd rather not work with the public if I can help it.  I don't like people all that much.  I'd rather eat cookie dough and watch Everybody Loves Raymond. 

Peace Joy Love-B

Sketches of a Bipolar Girl: The Power of Consistency

 

The Pendulum has been swinging so much lately, that I don't know who I am from day to day.  One day I am fine, the next even better. Then, then downward swing begins and I begin to lose myself.  I can barely function and everything goes to shit. 

Alas, that is the pitfall of having bipolar disorder.  One day your Tigger, the next day Eeyore.  How do I manage?  There are those who manage without drugs.  I am not one of those lucky few.  However, a lot of them smoke pot regularly.  I don't.  I don't like marijuana.  I know I could use edibles, but it really doesn't help in the long run.  I'd have to be high all the time to battle my anxiety. 

One of the things I find is helpful is if I establish a good routine.  It helps keep me on track.  I have goals for my day.  It's all stupid shit that the healthy people take for granted.  For instance, I didn't feel to great today, but I made myself make my bed.  That, for me, is a goal.  I only just washed my face and brushed my teeth and it's the middle of the afternoon.  However, it still counts because I got it done.  Does that sound pitiful?  

Another thing I have to remember to do is eat.  Yes, eat.  When I get depressed or manic, I forget to eat.  When I do eat, it's very little and not anything especially healthy.  Why does this happen?  I have no idea.  It's a brain chemical thing I guess.  Some hormones get turned on or off, others get activated.  I know when I'm manic, I operate on pure adrenaline.  There's nothing I can't do, at least that's the way it feels. I also can't sleep, concentrate and I spend money I don't have.  

I was making lists of things to do everyday.  I even wrote down things like wash hair, paint nails and pay bills.  Again, these are all things healthy people do without prompting.  But, I have to write them down or else it will go right out of my head.  

I have to get back to making lists and setting daily goals.  Since my ankle surgery, I haven't been able to get out of the house.  My pretty little convertible sits out there waiting for me to start her up and go roaring down the highway.  It'll be a few more weeks Shakira, then you and I will be back on the road.  In the meantime, if want fresh air, I have to settle for the balcony.  

Regularity or consistency is a luxury that is not afforded the bipolar mind.  Our brains are constantly moving from one subject to another, often without a point or direction.  We can fly as high as the sun and descend to the pits of the darkest sorrow sometimes in the same a day or hour. 

It is a superpower to master consistency.  I must admit, I haven't and I don't think I ever will. I've been battling bipolar disorder since I was diagnosed at age 22.  I'm 56 now.  That's a lot of therapy and a lot of drugs.  I'm still trying to manage my triggers and the drug cocktails are only good for a while before the body kicks it out.  I just had an adjustment in my meds this month.  It's not taking affect yet.  In the meantime, my mind is swinging back and forth. 

- B  

Sketches of a Bipolar Girl: Who is That Girl Looking Back at Me?

 

Let's face it, the past 2 years have been shit!  Fucking dumpster fires at best.  But, at the same time, I've learned an awful lot about myself.  I don't know if I would be in the same healthy place if  it weren't for  the hell these past months  have brought me. 

As you may or not know, death has visited my family once too often in the past 2 years.  I lost my mother, 2 aunts and my father.  I was still in the throes of grief from one, when the next one died.  I don't know how to properly explain the loss of  a parent, but losing both left me feeling like an orphan.  I was emotionally blowing in hurricane force winds. 

However, with my mother's death came this very queer sense of relief.  You see, I had spent nearly all of my life scared to death of my mother dying.  She suffered from paranoid schizophrenia, and had attempted suicide at least three times when I was growing up. So, I was desperately afraid she was going to leave me.  That fear carried into adulthood, even as she became stable.

When she died, however, that fear was realized, and I was left with a "now what?" kind of feeling.  I was angry with her for leaving me.  I did feel abandoned.  I had to  comfort the child inside me, and tell her everything was going to be okay.  I did grieve very hard for her for several months.  I had to go back into therapy once  a week just to deal with my emotions because I had no one else to talk to. 

To top it off, with the virus situation, we could not have a memorial service for her.  So, she never got a proper send off.  Perhaps, when things clear up, we can have a family gathering and toast to her afterlife. 

I became a different person when my mom died.  After I stopped crying, I decided that I was on my own for the most part.  I had lost my cheerleader.  I had to be my own cheerleader.  So, I cheered.  I got a new job, which turned out to be horrible.  I sold insurance, and not very well. But I got a different job at Amazon.  Plus, I still had my dad.

I started calling him more often.  His voice was deep and smooth, and it  soothed my soul like honey on a sore throat.  He and I had brief but loving conversations.  I didn't get so much as advice from him, but I would tell him what was what, and he'd comment accordingly.

Then one day, he was gone.  He contracted COVID, but didn't make it. He had what he thought was a cold, but by the end of the weekend he was in the hospital.  He  was in Michigan, so I didn't get to  see him.  I talked to his doctor several times, and she basically said that he was dying.  Even with treatment he only had a 10% chance.  Dad, however, did not want the ventilator or any of it.  He said he was tired and he couldn't fight it.  So, the hospital arranged a Zoom call, and we said our goodbyes around 8pm on January 5, 2021.  On January 6, 2021 at 2:38 am he  took his last breath.  

I think the only thing  I regret about both their deaths is  that I wasn't there to hold their hands and kiss them goodbye.  Other than that, it's fine.  I have them both here with me in my room.  They watch over things.  They have come to visit from time to time.  Not often, but when I really need them.  So, I  guess I must be doing something right.  

What have I learned about myself  these past 2 years?  Well, for one thing, I'm much stronger than I thought I was.  I can survive a crisis, even thrive.  I look  at myself with a new confidence.  It's not where I  want it to be, but it's coming along.  I finally believe my mother when she told me I was beautiful.  I also know, I made my parents proud.  

So, the girl looking back at me is strong, confident, brave, and beautiful.  No one can take that away from me.  I don't care what people think about me anymore.  I  am simple, yet complicated. I am fire and ice, pure and devilish, playful  but serious.  Also, if you cross me, I can be a bitch.  This girl is on fire, and her flame burns bright.  One day the whole world will know my name.  Just wait. - B     

Sketches of a Bipolar Girl: The Frog Men

 

Okay, so it's been a week or so since I went back on the dating website.  All I can say is, man oh man, what a bunch of creeps!! Don't get me wrong, there are some nice looking guys out there, but most of them are well, let's just say they leave a lot to be desired. 

I'm stunned by the number of men that take pictures of themselves in public restrooms.  I don't want to see you standing in front of the urinals! I mean really, let's try to find an attractive background fellas!

Then there are the guy with their brightly colored church clothes.  You know the ones, where the suit is like, chartreuse and they have shoes to match.  I don't mean to criticize, but I don't don't want a pimp either. 

Then, you have the big gold chains, the guys that think looking mean is sexy, and the ones missing teeth.  This is what I have to choose from in my age group?  Why can't I connect with a nice looking guy in his 50's that has a good job, grown kids, has all his teeth, and dresses like it's 2021?  I don't think it's too much to ask. 

I've had a few guys ask me why I'm single?  If I knew the  answer, I wouldn't be.  I mean, duh!!!  They wanted to know why I don't have kids.  I have had to explain that I wanted to be married to have a family.  I didn't want a baby daddy, I wanted a husband.  That seems to surprise a lot of people.  I don't know why.  Doesn't anybody have morals anymore?  

One guy, came out and asked me if there was something wrong with me.  He wanted to know if I was crazy.  I nearly fell out of my chair, I was laughing so much.  I didn't answer him of course.  I just blocked him, and kept it moving.  

Also, lest I forget, there was a supposed orthopaedic surgeon on the site, who claimed he was currently in Yemen!! Stated he was divorced, had 2 kids in boarding school in Canada.  I heard the Nigerian accent over the computer!!   Scam artist! So, I blocked him.  There was another guy from California, who was a scammer too.  

I don't mind a guy being from a foreign country, but when they start laying a load of bullshit down right away, my siren goes off.  Nobody falls in love over a text message.  And when they refuse to call you, you have to wonder why.  Not that I tried to get either one to call me.  I spotted the love scam right away.  

I did start talking to one guy, though. I'll call him D.  Anyway, he seems nice.  His spelling isn't to great, which is a turn off for me, but we've had a couple of nice texting chats.  I didn't tell him too much of anything about myself.  But, he unloaded a bunch of stuff.  

For instance, he just got out of prison in December 2020 after serving 26 years!!!! He was in for manslaughter.  He said he was playing with a gun, and accidentally killed his friend. I'm just like, holy Jesus H Christ!!!! He told me he was out on parole, and was in a halfway house.  

I promptly told him, that I could not date a man in that situation.  I have nothing against ex-convicts, being as my brother did time, but I'm not dating one that fresh out of the yard.  Anyway, I apologized, and told him that us being a couple is not possible, but we could still chat and be friends as he seems like a nice guy.  So, we are texting. He asked  if he could call me.  I said I  guess and told him to call me later today.  

I think it's only fair that someone befriend him and give him an ear.  But, I will not encourage him at all, and I'll be damned if I tell him where I live.  After all, I  have no real proof it wasn't murder not manslaughter.  Oh well, I won't tell anyone just yet, we'll see how it goes when I talk to him.  

 I think I'll reach out to someone else though.  I  really would like a boyfriend.  I still haven't heard from Kevin.  He just went ghost.  What a dick!  

You know the story The Princess and the Frog?  Did they ever say how many frogs  she had to kiss before finding her prince?  I'm not looking for all the trappings of royalty.  I'm just looking for that guy, you know, the One.  I hope to find you soon.  I know you don't get warts from frogs, but these frog men out here today, can give you cooties!!  That's all for now - B

Sketches of a Bipolar Girl: You Say It's Your Birthday!

 

Well, the big day has finally arrived!!! In exactly 8 1/2 hours, I will be 56 years old.  My goodness, where has the time gone!!??  I never thought I would make it this far, yet here I am.  

Its been quite a year.  I lost Aunt Berta, and my Dad this past year.  I was devastated, but not to the point of falling apart.  That in itself is an accomplishment.  I've had 3 lovers, all gone.  Maybe this is the year for Mr. Right.  Who knows?  Great things could be just around the corner.  

What would I like for my birthday?  I would like my body to stop hurting.  Pain, is why I woke up at 2:27 am today.  I would like it to go away.  I know it doesn't help much, but I popped 800 mg of ibuprofen just in case it does work.  Its pretty much all psychological at this point.  

I also, took this  nighttime opportunity to work on my resume some more, down load some apps for my medical provider and I'll probably do my nails.  I'm really wide awake now.  I went by the dining room on my way out to smoke (yes, I started again).  There are presents for me on the table.  I wasn't sure they would do that for me.  I think they will get the balloons, flowers and cake sometime today.  

We are having a tiny party for me tonight.  I think I want chicken enchiladas for dinner.  I want the whole Mexican dinner with black beans, corn and rice.  It's not diabetic friendly, but I don't care.  At any rate, that's what I want.  I also would like eggplant parmesan or General Tsao's chicken.  But, I guess I can get that this weekend.  

I'm finally getting my car window fixed on Thursday.  A friend of Kevin's was supposed to do it for me, but I got jerked around , so I'm just taking it to the dealership.  It'll cost $200 more, but I don't care anymore.  I'm tired of my window being broken.  It's the driver side window, and it's stuck down.  

Erica is finally starting to come out of her funk a little.  Once she settles down a little more, and sells her stock options, she'll be a lot better.  Then she wants to get a dog.  I found a puppy that looks like Zuna on the Furkids website.  It's a little male named Leo.  Of course, his name will be changed.  She wants to name Marvel Arlo Eugene, but I'm all about keeping it in the Z-pack family.  Right now, we have the three cats, Zuko, Zaybra and Zelda.  I'll have to come up with a couple of names that start with Z.  

I'm back on the dating site on Facebook.  My profile is pretty darn good.  I've gotten pretty good responses.  Some of them are toads though.  But, I'll keep looking. He's got to be out there somewhere.  If not, I guess I'll just try to get a really good job, move out and get a Chow Chow.  Me, Zelda and Henry.  Ok, so maybe not Henry. 

Well, I guess that's it for now.  I was starting to feel a little blue about this birthday without my parents. But, they're right here, watching over me.  Dad would send a card with his succinct "love Dad" scribbled on it, and mom's card would be something like "To my Wonderful Daughter"  I would read them both and sigh and think what a lucky person I am.  But, I guess I can still think that.  I am a lucky person to have had parents that loved me so much.  Even when it wasn't my birthday.  

Happy Birthday, girlie!!!

Sketches of Bipolar Girl: Another Goodbye

 

Well, it's over I guess.  It will be 2 weeks tomorrow since I've heard from Kevin.  I sent him a text message yesterday, just trying to reach out to see if wanted to fit me into his life, and I got nothing in return.  Part of me feels stupid for sending it, but at least I know.

So, I'm back to looking for my forever love.  So, Scorpios and Leos are out as potential mates.  I need to find an Aquarius.  Those are supposed to be compatible with me.  

I don't regret Kevin.  I don't think I made any mistakes.  He just wasn't as ready for a real relationship as he said he was.  He is nice but a bit of a dreamer.  He also had a hard time communicating.  I'm much more open than I used to be.  Plus, I know what I want now.  No more fuckery. 

So, what's new on the horizon?  Surgery my friends.  I found out yesterday that I need more surgery on my right ankle.  The pain is really starting to get to me.  Which is saying a lot because I have a very high pain tolerance.  My surgery is scheduled for the 31st of this month.  So, it's back to the knee scooter for 6-12 weeks. 

Oh, guess what?! Amazon cut off my health benefits.  The fuckers.  Thank the good Lord, I still have my Medicare coverage.  At least for the time being.  I never heard back from them regarding my eligibility for continued benefits that I sent in back in May.  Well, being as I am disabled physically, I guess I still qualify.  

My money is still funny.  I'm trying to get my long term disability benefits approved.  I tried calling the claims adjuster 3 times, and left messages, but the bitch hasn't called me back yet.  In the meantime, I'm bored out of my mind.  

I bought some watercolor paints last week, so I guess I will try and do that.  In my mind I can paint.  But, in reality, it will probably look like a kindergarteners work.  Oh well, it is what it is.  

I'm trying to remain upbeat, but things are a little tense around here since my niece lost her job.  Her job was toxic and the people were very nasty to her.  It's kind of good she doesn't work there anymore. She was under so much stress there over the last 2 years, she gained almost 100 pounds.  She has a therapist, but she needs to see her more often.  

Last night we brought up her unhealthy and co-dependent relationship with my sister, her mom.  She realizes it, and tried  to talk to my sister about it.  But, as always, when you try to discuss emotions with my sister, she gets angry.  My niece was okay though, she told me that she's not going to stop living her life because her mom can't let go.  I'm very proud of her for that.  

I was so co-dependent with my mom, it  was like we were the same person.  My greatest fear in the world was my mother's death.  But, when it happened, I was suddenly set free from that fear.  I'm my own person now.  Which is scary and exciting.  

As far as men are concerned, I'm on another dating app, so I'm looking.  But, I'm going to take my time.  I want to have real dates, not just come to my house and fuck. So, there you go, another guy, another goodbye.  - B  

  

Sketches of a Bipolar Girl: Seven Whole Days

 

So the Kevin Saga continues.  As the song goes.....  Not a word, not one fucking word. I'm done

Seven whole days
And not a word from you
Seven whole nights
I'm just about through
I can't take it won't take it
Can't take it no more
I had about enough of you
I'd rather be on my own
Yes on my own

Darlin'
Darlin'
You know if you cared anything about love
You woulda been front and center
Lovin' me and touchin' me
Honey
Honey
You know if you knew anything about me
You woulda been much more tender
Ooh squeezin' me, caressin' me
You coulda had about anything you wanted
But you messed it up
You had to be tough
You told your friends
You had me wrapped around your finger
You were talking kinda cocky
Like you had it goin' on
All the while you knew
That things were kinda shaky
You knew that you were wrong
Dead wrong to be
Mistreating me
How can we go on

Seven whole days
And not a word from you
Seven whole nights
I'm just about through
I can't take it, won't take it
Can't take it no more
I had about enough of you

I'd rather be on my own
Yes on my own

Sugar
Sugar
You know if you knew anything about sweet
You woulda been talkin' to me
Everyday
Seven days a week
Baby
Baby
You shoulda been givin' me
A little more time
But you were just much too busy
Abusin' me and usin' me
I woulda done about anything
Ya wanted
I was there for you
I was crazy about you
When I was sittin' thinkin'
I was kinda special
You were runnin' round
Hittin' every other girl in town
How could you love me
When you knew you played me funny
You knew that you were wrong
Dead wrong to be
Mistreating me
How can we go on

Seven whole days
And not a word from you
Seven whole nights
I'm just about through
I can't take it, won't take it
Can't take it no more
I had about enough of you

I'd rather be on my own
Yes on my own

Deep in my heart
You were number one to start
But then you changed
You threw my heart away
Told your friends that
You were runnin' thangs
Why'd it have to be that way
You're wrong
Dead wrong
Tell me how
How can we go wrong

Seven whole days
And not a word from you
Seven whole nights
I'm just about through
I can't take it, won't take it
Can't take it no more
I had about enough of you

I'd rather be on my own
Yes on my own

Source: LyricFind

Songwriters: Antonio Reid / Kenneth Edmonds

Seven Whole Days lyrics © Sony/ATV Music Publishing LLC, Words & Music A Div Of Big Deal Music LLC

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Sketches of a Bipolar Girl: Training Day

 

The saga continues.  The Kevin Saga, that is.  It's kind of like a really bad teen movie, isn't it? It's even sad because we are talking about a 60 year old man.  Anyway, here it goes...

As I stated before, Friday was my sister's birthday.  She really liked her gift, by the way.  No, I didn't get a hug.  But, she is being extremely nice to me, which I greatly appreciate.  It was a nice day.  Then comes the night. 

I made plans for him to come over that night.  I checked with the household, they were like, cool. So, I sent him a message advising that we were a go for him to come over and spend the night.  So, I take a nap, take a shower, remove hair from my body, clean my room, change the sheets, set the mood, light candles.  I did all things to make for a romantic evening.  Midnight comes, and he is still not here.  Mind you, I am looking amazing with my freshly painted nails, hair done, and lace undies.  

I get a text from him at 1 am.  "I just woke up.  I left work and fell asleep in my car.  Call me when you get this."

So, I call. He went back to sleep!! He is supposedly still at his job, and is dead tired, and can't make the drive to my house.  It's a 45 minute drive.  I would go to him, but I have no real clear idea of his living situation.  So, he apologizes etc.  I am not angry, yet.  I don't say much.  I'm just say, ok.  I don't forgive him however. 

Anyway, about a half hour later, I am seriously displeased.  I send him a text telling him, although he apologized, what he did was NOT COOL.  I get no sleep that night.  The next day, he sends me a text saying, that he doesn't know how, but he will make it up to me.  I have yet to respond.  

April asks me what happened, I told her.  The collective response from the household, BULLSHIT.  She says she's heard them all, and with the excuse he gave, she would kick him to the curb.  Erica told me, that although I've heard it before, you train people how to treat you.  I know this.  And I am going to practice it.  As of the other night, he is no longer spending the night at my house. If he wants to spend time with me, he is going to have to MAKE the time.  He can no longer just fit me into his schedule.  

Anyway, I haven't heard from him.  I'm not really sure if I want to.  I'm not done with dating, I just want a man that acts like a mature man.  He is acting like he's 30.  He is not.  I understand he has dreams and things he wants to do, but let's face, he's a dreamer.  I was attracted to that quality in him at first, but it's wearing very, very thin.  

I want a man, who can treat me like the special person I am, not just talk about it.  Okay, I guess that's it.  You know, even with Brad, he made time to see me, and we were just fuck buddies.  I wanted more than that with Kevin.  I will demand more than that.  If he can't give it to me, I guess, it's out to the curb he goes.  

B

Sketches of a Bipolar Girl: Big Sister, Little Sister

 

Today is my sister's birthday.  She is 61 years old.  I got her a really nice gift.  It's a crystal tea mug with enamel butterflies on it.  She likes tea, and she likes unusual mugs.  She'll say thank you and smile, but I will not get a hug.  

We are not close.  Not like people think we are.  Not like we used to be.  We were close for about a 10 year period, then my being crazy became too much.  She gets angry with me now if I get sick for any reason, even a cold.  

I would like to be close.  When I was little, I thought she was so cool, but she didn't want me around.  We are 5 years apart and the age gap was quite apparent.  It wasn't until I was 15 when we actually started to get along.  There is a big difference between being 10 and 5, and 15 and 20.  She actually used to let me hang out with her and her friends when she was 16.  It was she who taught me how to drive.  

I used to be able to talk to her about stuff.  Not anymore.  She built up a wall and put out the dogs.  My attempts to communicate with her and initiate intimacy are met with alarming disdain.  It sometimes borders on disgust.  Therefore, I don't think she likes me too much as a person.  Does she love me?  I guess so, only on a familial basis.  I think if we passed each other on the street, she would still be out of my league, like she was when I was 12. 

Back then, I was her chubby, nerdy sister.  I wasn't allowed in her room, or touch her stuff.  Sometimes though, I would play her albums on the stereo when no one was home.  Those were good times.  If nothing else, I can always thank her for introducing me to funk and R & B. 

I see some sister, and I think, wow I wish we could be like that.  Maybe we would get along better if I wasn't underfoot.  I'm in the way, always causing people worry.  Now that my parents are gone, I have to look to myself to take care of things.  I'm having trouble.  I guess it comes from being the baby of the family.  

My brother is in the middle of us.  I've kind of cut him out of my thinking these past few weeks after his last tirade to me about money.  I feel shame whenever I think of that day.  The thing about both of them is that they used to torment me as a child because I was fat.  Many were the afternoon where I was serenaded with the Tubby the Tuba song.  

No wonder I turned to food as my best friend.  It didn't make fun, and it made me feel good inside for at least a little while.  Nothing else made me feel good.  My father was not emotionally available at that time.  My mom was, well let's just say it, most of my childhood my mom was nuts.  

I don't blame them, it's not like kids come with instructions.  They did the best they could, I guess.  I was just a needy kid.  Now, here I am a needy adult.  A soon to be 56 year old adult at that, and I am still having trouble keeping my head above water.  

So my big sister is not warm and inviting.  So, most of what she says to me is a criticism of my thoughts, feelings and actions.  My mom would probably tell me not to take it personally.  But, how can you not take it personally?  I never understood that statement.  Right now, my heart is wrapped up in barbed wired thinking about the future.  I dare not talk to her about Kevin.  I dare not discuss feelings.  I guess I'll just let it all go and chalk it up to being a blood relative.  You can't choose them.  If I had any friends, it would be different, but right now, she's all I've got.  

My therapist says I should try to engage.  Ha Ha Ha, if she could only be here and see our interactions.  She would know how dysfunctional we are.  If I am being honest,  I must say that I don't like her much either.  Most of the time, especially when she is telling me about something I did wrong, I call her a bitch in my head.  Maybe it's because we are both Leos.  Each of us trying to be the leader.  I, however, often defer to her because it's just easier that way.  

Oh well, Happy Birthday!! See you next year.      B

Sketches of a Bipolar Girl: The Day After

 

Well, my imagination got the best of me around 2 am.  I didn't get any sleep last night.  I was up all night worrying about Kevin.  I had somehow convinced myself that he was with his wife and kids in Florida, and was just using me.  After all, who am I but this short fat girl with depression and anxiety who was worth nothing to anyone.  I mean, no one would miss me if I were gone right? 

So I sent him a text that said, I understand you are with your family, but your lack of communication is concerning. So, I ask in the simplest of terms, wtf?  Hit send.  He tries to call me back at 2:24 am, and I'm like nope don't want to talk right now.  

Anyway, I call him this morning and he is now on his way back home.  He informs me that his mother was ill in the hospital and almost died.  Okay fine.  I understand that, I'm not a monster.  If anyone understands the illness of a parent, it's me.  He said he shuts down when things become overwhelming for him.  Again, I totally get shutting down and turning inward.  But, I explained that if we are going to have any kind of relationship, he has to let me know what's going on, or I will shut him out.  It's not that he's doing anything wrong.  It's just my catastrophic thinking kicking in again.  I automatically think that when I don't hear from someone, they don't want me around anymore.  

We both have a long history of putting up walls when it looks like we are going to get hurt.  I'm trying to slowly explain to him, just how dark my mind can get.  I can't risk getting lost in a deep hole again, because there is absolutely no one to pull me out anymore.  My parents and grandparents are gone.  I can NOT count on my sister or brother to help me, because they don't understand nor do I think they want to understand.  

I'm on my own for real.  It scares the shit out of me.  How do I go on?  I just do. One second at a time.  I must admit, I do feel better now that I've talked to him.  Still, I may not get to see him for a while.  If I don't see him tomorrow or Saturday, it will be another week.  I'm not even looking for sex. I just want him to be near me.  Is that what love is?  Is it supposed to make you feel like this?  If so, I don't know if I like it.  I mean I loved my parents, and was always scared they were going to die.  I suppose this is why some people prefer to be alone.  No drama.  Just you and your books, cats or dogs.  I'm going to keep going with him I think.  I see so much potential in us.  We could be fabulous.   Bev and Kev forever.  lol  that's all - B

Sketches of a Bipolar Girl: Streaming

 

There comes some points in my day, where my head feels empty.  Then there are some points when it is crowded with thoughts that have no consistency at all.  On both of those occasions, I am usually bored.  I've been bored most of the day.  

I had a dentist appointment today.  It was for a regular cleaning.  All is good with my teeth.  I've been trying very hard to keep up with my activities of daily living. Sometimes, it's difficult.  There are many mornings I lie in bed wondering why I even bother.  

That's why I usually plan things so that I have to leave the house at least once a day.  Today was the dentist, tomorrow is physical therapy.  Friday is my visit to the gynecologist.  It will be my first visit in 3 years.  I'm going because I've been bleeding after sex.  I don't know what it's from.  It's not because the sex is too rough, or even because the guy is too big.  I mean, I bled with Brad, and he's on the small side.  I bleed anywhere from 3 to 5 days afterwards.  

I looked it up online, and it could be anything really, even a sign of cervical cancer.  My last pap smear came back okay, but like I said, that was 3 years ago.  So, I figured it was time to go up on the rack for a check up.  I haven't talked to anyone about it.  It's the kind of thing I'd discuss with my mom, but there you go.

I saw my therapist last week.  I didn't tell her that Kevin and I slept together.  I don't know why.  I guess it's because I'm trying to keep things from getting too much.  I haven't heard from him since Friday.  I'm trying not to be the girl who is needy, but I can't help feeling as if I'm being ignored.

Leos are notorious attention seekers.  We want to be the star and the center of all things.  So, I guess Kevin is not going to give me that.  I don't know maybe he will.  I'm trying really hard to rein myself in from all this doubt and self destructive thinking.  I have to keep reminding myself that I am above all that shit, and I'm fabulous. 

But as Charlotte York said in Sex and the City, "I've been dating since I was 15, I'm exhausted!! Where is he??!!"

Okay, I haven't been dating since I was 15, but I am tired of meeting men who promise the moon, but can't even deliver on a promise to call you back.  That's Kevin's best line.  "I'll call you right back".

He never does, every time he tells me this, he never does.  I wouldn't say it pisses me off, but it does bother me.  I have a really problem with people who say they'll call you and people who are late.  

I believe he is still in Florida, visiting his family.  He's been posting stuff on Facebook as recently as today.  Looks like he's having a good time.  Has he called me or texted?  Why no! He has not.  I must say, I'm a little put out.  I don't like to play games, but I am thinking of ignoring his call for a while.  However, I won't do that.  I'll answer, but I will ask for a few answers.  

I suppose if I had any friends, they would tell me he's probably married or something.  Who knows?  Maybe it's true.  I am spinning around all in the pursuit of love.  I don't want to die some unmarried or unattached spinster.  While I really want to be married, I am not opposed to living with a guy for the rest of my life as long as I have some legal right to property etc. 

Ok, I'm not okay.  I feel like crap.  I pretended to be okay all day, but I'm not.  I want something better than what I have now.  I want to have enough money to be comfortable, a nice house of my own.  I have the car.  I thought I had the guy.  But the bells in my head are ringing. I need him to reassure me.  Things will definitely be decided in 2 weeks when my birthday comes.  If I don't get something for my birthday, I will know he's playing me for a sucker.  

As much as I hate to doubt him, I have to take care of myself.  He's got me feeling things, and the walls are going up around my heart.  I hope he comes through.  

I won't be able to sleep tonight.  My head is spinning and it feels like it's full of rocks.  Maybe, I'll just try to meditate.  Oh fuck, no I won't, I'll just lay there are listen to the storms on my echo.  I guess I'll sign off now.  I wish I could say I feel better, but I don't.  Just more questions. - B

Sketches of a Bipolar Girl: The Midnight Rider

 

Well, it's 3 am, and here I am again.  This has been going on for month or so now.  I fall asleep around midnight, and wake up 3 hours later.  Sometimes, it's because I have to pee.  Other times, I don't know why.  

I've had a lot of anxiety lately.  It's mostly due to my money problems.  But it also has to do with Kevin.  Not that there's anything wrong with us, at least I don't think there is.  I'm worried that I'm being played.  But those feelings, I know, are coming from my insecurities about myself.

That's when the grief hits me again, because I really need to talk to my mom about this stuff.  She knew me better than I know myself.  Now, all I have to talk to is the half gallon of ice cream and hot fudge sauce.  Yes, that's right, I'm binge eating again, and let me tell you, I feel like crap.

I haven't eaten anything good this whole weekend. I also, haven't had a good night sleep.  I'm sure the two are related.  So, I guess I have answered my own question about why I can't sleep.  I'm having anxiety.  I have to burn it off somehow.  

Erica and I were talking yesterday, and I happened to mention how much I loved watercolors and how I wish I could paint.  She asked me why I just didn't do it?  This left me pondering as to why I didn't try it.  It all comes down to my perfectionism.  Intellectually, I know that art is a form of expression.  There is no perfection.  But, as usual, when it comes to anything I do, it must be perfect.  

With all that being said, I will put water color paints, brushes, and paper on my list of things to buy.  I will dabble in watercolor.  Anyhoo, that's all for tonight.  I'm paying for all that hot fudge. I've got the trots.  

B  

Sketches of a Bipolar Girl: Damn!!!! Broke Again

 

I think I have a problem.  I mean, I've never been good with money.  I can't balance my checking account.  I'm always overdrawn, but this month has been incredibly bad.  I've been overdrawn once $750 and now $975.  To make things worse, I received $2300 from my father's retirement account and blew it in three days.  

I don't know what my problem is.  It seems like I get a little bit of money and lose my fucking mind.  I just buy shit.  It's stuff I want, not what I need. Since, it's so easy to shop online, I am constantly looking up stuff to buy at Walmart.com and Amazon.  

I must admit, I love shopping.  It makes me happy.  It gives me a real thrill I can't any other way.  I am a person who can get easily addicted to anything.  I like food, so I eat too much. I got addicted to smoking.  I mean, if I had a mind to do drugs, I would get addicted too. 

I think it comes from always being told "no we can't afford it ", when I was younger.  Also, having low self-esteem doesn't help.  It's not as bad as it used to be, but there are times, like this morning, when I feel like an ugly toad.  

Also, I buy a lot of things for other people.  I bought a lot of stuff for Erica.  She was having a bad time and I wanted to make her feel better, so I bought her stuff to cheer her up.  It didn't cheer me up too much.  She said thanks, but she doesn't hug me or anything.  I'd like a hug once in a while.  The only person to touch me in the past 2 months has been Kevin.  

So, what to do about my problem?  I don't know.  Maybe, I will delete some apps on my phone and keep it strictly computer based. That way, I can't go shopping on my phone at the doctor's office etc. Maybe that will help me curb my spending.  Also, I need to get rid of my credit cards, and just keep my Chime card and one credit card for emergencies.  

Honestly,  I need an accountant who can give me a monthly spending allowance and pay my bills for me.  Ha! maybe I'll hit the lotto this weekend and win over 100 million. Wouldn't that be some shit!!! I would definitely get an accountant with that kind of money, because I could blow through it in a month.  I wouldn't tell a soul either.  Just kind of drift away.  

By the way, my brother isn't speaking to me again, because of money.  Can't say I blame him too much.  His birthday is tomorrow.  I wonder what I will say?  Happy fucking birthday dickhead!!! No probably not.  I'll see if I can figure out how to do a spreadsheet.  Maybe that will help.  

B  

Sketches of a Bipolar Girl: Orchestral Maneuvers in the Dark

 

Well, I did it.  Or shall I saw we did it.  Kevin and I had sex.  Actually, it was more than that.  I think for the first time in my life, I made love.  I say that, because I didn't feel like a cheap whore, he actually looked at me, talked to me and wanted to know how I was feeling.  

Not that it was all moonbeams and lollipops.  When he entered me, it did hurt.  Not as much as it did with Derrick, but it did hurt a little.  I went to pee afterwards, and sure enough I was bleeding.  He gave me some time to rest, and he went to sleep.  

It was kind of weird, sleeping with someone.  He snored off and on, and he has a tendency to hog the bed.  I knew I wasn't going to get much sleep anyway, since, I had already stayed up past my bedtime waiting for him.  So, I just caught a couple of catnaps here and there.  

He sleeps naked, and I have to at least have panties on.  He got up 3 times to go to the bathroom.  He put on my fuzzy pink robe, lest he run into someone in the hallway.  We talked a lot.  I am so comfortable with him.  I actually feel safe.  I didn't feel pressured to go down on him.  I wasn't ready. Probably next time.  I had no problem going down on Brad or Derrick.  Probably because that's what was expected.  I was just a fuck buddy after all.  

Kevin did, however, go down on me.  It was incredible.  I came 4 times.  He got me so wet.  He said I tasted like pineapple.  I suppose that's a good thing.  I did enjoy myself more this morning, because everyone was at work.  Last night, everyone was at home and sleeping, so we had to be careful, not to move the bed or yell. 

At any rate, I am now in a relationship.  So, we'll see how it goes.  I am going to be honest, and kind.  Kevin thinks I am the sweetest woman.  He also  said I am more beautiful, when we are making love.  We are going to have to work on some type of arrangement, because he can't come over here all the time.  

I told him, I wanted to go to the zoo, so maybe we can take  weekend and spend it in the city and get a hotel room. Something, anything where we can be alone.  Hopefully, he'll get a place.  I hope he doesn't turn out to be a hobosexual. That's a person who is basically homeless, and gets into a relationship hoping for a place to stay.  I doubt it highly.  He comes off as a totally upstanding person.   

Well, I guess that's all for now.  Stay tuned for the further adventures of Liongirl!!

B

Sketches of a Bipolar Girl: Sorry I'm late, I Didn't want to Come

                

It's been months.  I have sat down so many times to write, but then the urge passes.  I supposed I should write more often, in order to empty my head.  But, somehow, I always chicken out, as if I'm afraid of some grand revelation. I'm also afraid that I won't have anything worth saying. 

Nothing much has changed.  I'm still depressed. I'm still in mourning, and I am still bored out of my ever-loving mind. Well, there has been one major change.  I met a man.  I gave up my fuck buddy Brad, and have met a new man.  His name is Kevin.  He's 6'6" and 60 years old.  He's handsome and sweet, and smart.  He's also poor as a church mouse.  He's basically homeless, as he stays with different friends. 

He does have a couple of jobs, his main job is at night.  He's a fuel technician at the airport.  He has a couple of side hustles.  He is a dreamer, and has some big plans.  He has a couple of lawsuit settlements he is waiting on, with which he is going start his business.  He wants to start a limo service.  

We don't see each other very much, so we talk on the phone.  He is so very easy to talk to.  We talk about almost anything.  He's been to my house a couple of times, but he fell asleep both times.  He kind of makes me nervous.  I could really fall in love with him, but so far I am restraining myself. 

As far as my depression is concerned, I'm not actually sure where it is coming from.  I am still grieving for my parents.  Almost every other thought is of one of them.  Kevin occupies my other thoughts.  I am still out on disability from Amazon.  I am bored almost to death.  I putter around this house all day, trying to invent things to do.  I figure if I can keep myself busy, then I wouldn't have to think.  

However, every morning I have to decide if I want to get out of bed and do something with the day.  Tomorrow, for instance, I am going to the post office to mail a letter.  I also have a therapy appointment.  That's it; nothing else planned for the day.  Do I get up and shower and dress?  What's the point really? But, I do get up and carry out my activities of daily living, just for the sake of not falling deeper into a dark hole. 

I don't sleep much anymore.  I get up in the wee hours and watch mindless TV.  Tonight is a good example.  I think I slept for two hours, and here I am.  Oh well, I guess I should try to relax and go back to sleep.  I might masturbate.  It relaxes me.  But, I'm not really feeling horny.  That's all for now I guess.  Peace, Joy, Love - B  

 

Sketches of a Bipolar Girl: Ashes on the Table

 

Well, they are both here in my room.  My parents are sitting on a table in a corner of the room.  Their urns sitting next to each other with a picture of them next to each of them.  They have been reunited in death.  At least that's the way I put them.  

I think I will keep them for a few years.  I suppose it would be morbid for some people to have ashes in their bedroom, but it gives me a great deal of comfort.  I have them nearby again.  I say good morning, and talk to them when ever I want.  Does that strike you as strange?  It shouldn't.  It's not like I hear their voices talking back.  I almost wish I could.  I don't hear anything from them.  

It's like they disappeared.  I had a session with my therapist yesterday.  I cried.  I tried to explain how I was feeling.  I feel like I don't belong to anyone anymore.  I am an orphan.  I have no family.  But, that's not true.  I have a sister, brother, niece and nephew, aunts etc.  But, it's not the same as having parents.  

With parents comes a home. A place to return to on major holidays; a home base.  Home is a place where memories are stored.  I don't have that anymore.  My memories, what few I have, are scattered to the four corners of the earth.  I'm trying desperately to remember things.  Going through all these photographs helps.  It's helping me to remember chunks of my life that were wiped  out by shock therapy.

I found a couple of my letters from my mom.  Maybe not letters, but journal entries.  In one, she talks about how much she loves to do laundry.  I thought that was funny, since laundry is my favorite thing to do too.  I love the smell of fresh laundry.  So did she.  The other entry was about a nightmare she had.  It reminded me about my own nightmares.  It's almost as if my mom and I are the same person.  

So, there they are.  Ashes on my table, sitting there watching over me.  I don't mind.  I know they will protect me.  I can turn to them at any time.  Regardless of the fact that they were divorced, they are my parents, and they will always be together in my heart. 

Sketches of a Bipolar Girl: Dear Dad

 

Dear Dad, 

It's been 41 days.  Not a day goes by that I don't think of you.  I long to talk to you and hear you call me baby girl. It doesn't seem real.  One day you were here and the next you were gone.  It's not fair.  I wasn't ready to lose you.  I had no time to prepare.

The last few days haven't been too great.  I've been sleeping too much, and staring at the walls.  I haven't been able to delete your phone number.  It's kind of like, as long as I have it, you might call.  I know that's just unrealistic and childish, but I don't care.  

Julie is sending your ashes to us in a couple of weeks.  I picked out an urn for you.  It has an eagle flying over a mountain.  I think you will like it.  I know you're divorced, but we are going to sit you on a shelf next to mom.  It's only temporary.  Mom wants to be scattered on Grandmom and Grandpop's graves.  Jerald will take her up there, when things clear up. 

The weather up north is dreadful.  They've had snow storm after storm. Some places have over 20 inches of snow.  The weather here has been horrible too. It's just been cold and rainy.  I guess that's added to my downward mood.  It's sunny today, so I am feeling better. 

Oh dad, I miss you terribly.  I've only cried twice.  Is that weird?  Sometimes, I want to just weep, but I can't.  My doctor says that my meds are keeping me on an even keel.  She's probably right.  Please visit me if you can.  I still have that old thermal jacket of your's.  I wear it whenever I need to feel your arms around me.  I love you daddy.  

Sketches of a Bipolar Girl: Valentine's Day

 

It's Valentine's Day.  The day that all single people dread.  I had almost hoped this year would be different, as I have a lover.  However,  it's not.  He avoids holidays with me as if I were some kind of side chick.  I guess I am.  I'm not in love with him, but is it too much to want some kind acknowledgment?  Perhaps, I'm just a fool.

I do want a hug, a kiss, and comforting words.  But, not from Brad, my parents.  I want to hear my mom and dad laugh.  I want to give them hugs.  I want the warmth of being in their embrace.  It's been almost a year since my mom died, and a little over a month for my dad.

The grief washes over me sometimes, like a powerful wave.  It knocks me off my feet and leaves me gasping for air.  I stayed in bed all day on Thursday.  I just didn't care.  I want my parents.  I didn't get to say goodbye to either of them the way I wanted to.  I didn't get to say the things I wanted to say.

Life is such a chore.  Sometimes, it takes you to the highest highs, and then everything comes crashing down around your ears and you can't make sense of anything.  I think if it wasn't for my meds, I'd have been hospitalized.  I feel sad today.  I would like to be with someone, but then I want to be alone.  

I'm watching old movies today.  I just finished Wuthering Heights, and now I'm watching It Happened One Night.  Maybe I'll take a nap.  I feel like eating some fried chicken.  Off to  KFC, I guess.  

Happy Valentine's Day to me.  I'm tired. 

Sketches of a Bipolar Girl: Merry Christmas and My Dad Died

 

I haven't posted in a while, and I have good reasons.   Things have been crazy for the past 12 months.  I had hoped after Aunt Berta's death, things would look up around here.  However, I was greatly mistaken.  Christmas was great. I got some great gifts and spent entirely too much money on everyone else.  Without mom to buy for, I felt hard pressed to spend money on someone, so I bought a bunch of stuff for April and Erica.  

I had wanted to spend the holidays with my father because I hadn't seen him in five years.  I couldn't do that in 2020 because of the virus etc. But, I wanted to visit him in 2021.  However, that was not to be.  I talked to my father on Christmas day, he sounded a bit stuffy.  He insisted that it was just a cold and he felt okay.  By December 31, he was in the hospital having been diagnosed with COVID. 

I had the pleasure of being the family member that the doctor talked to about my fathers case.  I talked to her, Dr. Casement, three times.  By the end of our conversations, I was informed my father had refused additional care, and that he was in fact going to die within hours.  

We set up a Zoom call to talk to him one last time, and we did.  He looked terrible, he was struggling with every breath.  He told us that he would be fine and not to worry about him.  He told us to go ahead and live our lives.  He even made a joke, saying to cremate him and put his ashes on a shelf so he can keep an eye on me.  We said our I love you's and good byes.  On Wednesday January 6th at 3:50 am, my father died.  I became an orphan.  

So, I lost my mom in the beginning of 2020, and my father at the beginning of 2021.  So far, this year is turning out to be as shitty as last year.  How am I?  I don't know.  Most of the time, I can go about my business, but then other times I get the overwhelming desire to call him.  I used to call him 2 or 3 times a week.  Now, nothing.  The only calls I get are from doctors and spam calls.

I got drunk last Sunday and freaked out completely.  I cried hysterically, slammed doors and yelled at people.  Needless to say, I got in trouble with April and Erica.  But, I apologized the next day, and we are cool.  I've been trying to find things to do not to think about things so much.  

But, I ended up working on photo albums featuring my parents.  I got new albums from Hobby Lobby and having been putting the pictures in them.  I also took my dad's Air Force picture to get it matted and framed.  I found my moms senior class picture and am having it done.  

One reason I am trying so hard to stay busy is because I'm going through some health stuff.  My right ankle is totally messed up.  I have osteoarthritis, and much to my surprise, my achilles tendon has completely calcified. The surgeon said he will have to graft a cadaver tendon on my ankle.  Also, I'm having nerve issues.  I think I have diabetic neuropathy.  But, the good news is that my A1c is low enough that I no longer need insulin.  I just need my metformin for the next 3 months, and if it's still low, I may be able to stop diabetic meds all together.  

I am still with Brad of a fashion.  We did not see each other at Christmas.  We spent the 23rd together.  We also didn't spend New Year's eve together.  Valentine's Day is approaching, and I doubt I'll see him.  I'm not upset about it though.  I figure we are just friends with benefits.  If I do see him, then that will be a pleasant surprise.

So that's it for now.  Life is sucky, and I'm trying to keep my head up.  Staying positive is a challenge, but I just take it minute by minute.  Right now, I'm okay. It's only the 25th day of the new year and I'm exhausted already.  Happy Fucking New Year. I want my dad. - B