There comes some points in my day, where my head feels empty. Then there are some points when it is crowded with thoughts that have no consistency at all. On both of those occasions, I am usually bored. I've been bored most of the day.
I had a dentist appointment today. It was for a regular cleaning. All is good with my teeth. I've been trying very hard to keep up with my activities of daily living. Sometimes, it's difficult. There are many mornings I lie in bed wondering why I even bother.
That's why I usually plan things so that I have to leave the house at least once a day. Today was the dentist, tomorrow is physical therapy. Friday is my visit to the gynecologist. It will be my first visit in 3 years. I'm going because I've been bleeding after sex. I don't know what it's from. It's not because the sex is too rough, or even because the guy is too big. I mean, I bled with Brad, and he's on the small side. I bleed anywhere from 3 to 5 days afterwards.
I looked it up online, and it could be anything really, even a sign of cervical cancer. My last pap smear came back okay, but like I said, that was 3 years ago. So, I figured it was time to go up on the rack for a check up. I haven't talked to anyone about it. It's the kind of thing I'd discuss with my mom, but there you go.
I saw my therapist last week. I didn't tell her that Kevin and I slept together. I don't know why. I guess it's because I'm trying to keep things from getting too much. I haven't heard from him since Friday. I'm trying not to be the girl who is needy, but I can't help feeling as if I'm being ignored.
Leos are notorious attention seekers. We want to be the star and the center of all things. So, I guess Kevin is not going to give me that. I don't know maybe he will. I'm trying really hard to rein myself in from all this doubt and self destructive thinking. I have to keep reminding myself that I am above all that shit, and I'm fabulous.
But as Charlotte York said in Sex and the City, "I've been dating since I was 15, I'm exhausted!! Where is he??!!"
Okay, I haven't been dating since I was 15, but I am tired of meeting men who promise the moon, but can't even deliver on a promise to call you back. That's Kevin's best line. "I'll call you right back".
He never does, every time he tells me this, he never does. I wouldn't say it pisses me off, but it does bother me. I have a really problem with people who say they'll call you and people who are late.
I believe he is still in Florida, visiting his family. He's been posting stuff on Facebook as recently as today. Looks like he's having a good time. Has he called me or texted? Why no! He has not. I must say, I'm a little put out. I don't like to play games, but I am thinking of ignoring his call for a while. However, I won't do that. I'll answer, but I will ask for a few answers.
I suppose if I had any friends, they would tell me he's probably married or something. Who knows? Maybe it's true. I am spinning around all in the pursuit of love. I don't want to die some unmarried or unattached spinster. While I really want to be married, I am not opposed to living with a guy for the rest of my life as long as I have some legal right to property etc.
Ok, I'm not okay. I feel like crap. I pretended to be okay all day, but I'm not. I want something better than what I have now. I want to have enough money to be comfortable, a nice house of my own. I have the car. I thought I had the guy. But the bells in my head are ringing. I need him to reassure me. Things will definitely be decided in 2 weeks when my birthday comes. If I don't get something for my birthday, I will know he's playing me for a sucker.
As much as I hate to doubt him, I have to take care of myself. He's got me feeling things, and the walls are going up around my heart. I hope he comes through.
I won't be able to sleep tonight. My head is spinning and it feels like it's full of rocks. Maybe, I'll just try to meditate. Oh fuck, no I won't, I'll just lay there are listen to the storms on my echo. I guess I'll sign off now. I wish I could say I feel better, but I don't. Just more questions. - B
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