Well, it's 3 am, and here I am again. This has been going on for month or so now. I fall asleep around midnight, and wake up 3 hours later. Sometimes, it's because I have to pee. Other times, I don't know why.
I've had a lot of anxiety lately. It's mostly due to my money problems. But it also has to do with Kevin. Not that there's anything wrong with us, at least I don't think there is. I'm worried that I'm being played. But those feelings, I know, are coming from my insecurities about myself.
That's when the grief hits me again, because I really need to talk to my mom about this stuff. She knew me better than I know myself. Now, all I have to talk to is the half gallon of ice cream and hot fudge sauce. Yes, that's right, I'm binge eating again, and let me tell you, I feel like crap.
I haven't eaten anything good this whole weekend. I also, haven't had a good night sleep. I'm sure the two are related. So, I guess I have answered my own question about why I can't sleep. I'm having anxiety. I have to burn it off somehow.
Erica and I were talking yesterday, and I happened to mention how much I loved watercolors and how I wish I could paint. She asked me why I just didn't do it? This left me pondering as to why I didn't try it. It all comes down to my perfectionism. Intellectually, I know that art is a form of expression. There is no perfection. But, as usual, when it comes to anything I do, it must be perfect.
With all that being said, I will put water color paints, brushes, and paper on my list of things to buy. I will dabble in watercolor. Anyhoo, that's all for tonight. I'm paying for all that hot fudge. I've got the trots.
B
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