Sketches of a Bipolar Girl: Damn!!!! Broke Again

 

I think I have a problem.  I mean, I've never been good with money.  I can't balance my checking account.  I'm always overdrawn, but this month has been incredibly bad.  I've been overdrawn once $750 and now $975.  To make things worse, I received $2300 from my father's retirement account and blew it in three days.  

I don't know what my problem is.  It seems like I get a little bit of money and lose my fucking mind.  I just buy shit.  It's stuff I want, not what I need. Since, it's so easy to shop online, I am constantly looking up stuff to buy at Walmart.com and Amazon.  

I must admit, I love shopping.  It makes me happy.  It gives me a real thrill I can't any other way.  I am a person who can get easily addicted to anything.  I like food, so I eat too much. I got addicted to smoking.  I mean, if I had a mind to do drugs, I would get addicted too. 

I think it comes from always being told "no we can't afford it ", when I was younger.  Also, having low self-esteem doesn't help.  It's not as bad as it used to be, but there are times, like this morning, when I feel like an ugly toad.  

Also, I buy a lot of things for other people.  I bought a lot of stuff for Erica.  She was having a bad time and I wanted to make her feel better, so I bought her stuff to cheer her up.  It didn't cheer me up too much.  She said thanks, but she doesn't hug me or anything.  I'd like a hug once in a while.  The only person to touch me in the past 2 months has been Kevin.  

So, what to do about my problem?  I don't know.  Maybe, I will delete some apps on my phone and keep it strictly computer based. That way, I can't go shopping on my phone at the doctor's office etc. Maybe that will help me curb my spending.  Also, I need to get rid of my credit cards, and just keep my Chime card and one credit card for emergencies.  

Honestly,  I need an accountant who can give me a monthly spending allowance and pay my bills for me.  Ha! maybe I'll hit the lotto this weekend and win over 100 million. Wouldn't that be some shit!!! I would definitely get an accountant with that kind of money, because I could blow through it in a month.  I wouldn't tell a soul either.  Just kind of drift away.  

By the way, my brother isn't speaking to me again, because of money.  Can't say I blame him too much.  His birthday is tomorrow.  I wonder what I will say?  Happy fucking birthday dickhead!!! No probably not.  I'll see if I can figure out how to do a spreadsheet.  Maybe that will help.  

B