Well, my imagination got the best of me around 2 am. I didn't get any sleep last night. I was up all night worrying about Kevin. I had somehow convinced myself that he was with his wife and kids in Florida, and was just using me. After all, who am I but this short fat girl with depression and anxiety who was worth nothing to anyone. I mean, no one would miss me if I were gone right?
So I sent him a text that said, I understand you are with your family, but your lack of communication is concerning. So, I ask in the simplest of terms, wtf? Hit send. He tries to call me back at 2:24 am, and I'm like nope don't want to talk right now.
Anyway, I call him this morning and he is now on his way back home. He informs me that his mother was ill in the hospital and almost died. Okay fine. I understand that, I'm not a monster. If anyone understands the illness of a parent, it's me. He said he shuts down when things become overwhelming for him. Again, I totally get shutting down and turning inward. But, I explained that if we are going to have any kind of relationship, he has to let me know what's going on, or I will shut him out. It's not that he's doing anything wrong. It's just my catastrophic thinking kicking in again. I automatically think that when I don't hear from someone, they don't want me around anymore.
We both have a long history of putting up walls when it looks like we are going to get hurt. I'm trying to slowly explain to him, just how dark my mind can get. I can't risk getting lost in a deep hole again, because there is absolutely no one to pull me out anymore. My parents and grandparents are gone. I can NOT count on my sister or brother to help me, because they don't understand nor do I think they want to understand.
I'm on my own for real. It scares the shit out of me. How do I go on? I just do. One second at a time. I must admit, I do feel better now that I've talked to him. Still, I may not get to see him for a while. If I don't see him tomorrow or Saturday, it will be another week. I'm not even looking for sex. I just want him to be near me. Is that what love is? Is it supposed to make you feel like this? If so, I don't know if I like it. I mean I loved my parents, and was always scared they were going to die. I suppose this is why some people prefer to be alone. No drama. Just you and your books, cats or dogs. I'm going to keep going with him I think. I see so much potential in us. We could be fabulous. Bev and Kev forever. lol that's all - B
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