It's been months. I have sat down so many times to write, but then the urge passes. I supposed I should write more often, in order to empty my head. But, somehow, I always chicken out, as if I'm afraid of some grand revelation. I'm also afraid that I won't have anything worth saying.
Nothing much has changed. I'm still depressed. I'm still in mourning, and I am still bored out of my ever-loving mind. Well, there has been one major change. I met a man. I gave up my fuck buddy Brad, and have met a new man. His name is Kevin. He's 6'6" and 60 years old. He's handsome and sweet, and smart. He's also poor as a church mouse. He's basically homeless, as he stays with different friends.
He does have a couple of jobs, his main job is at night. He's a fuel technician at the airport. He has a couple of side hustles. He is a dreamer, and has some big plans. He has a couple of lawsuit settlements he is waiting on, with which he is going start his business. He wants to start a limo service.
We don't see each other very much, so we talk on the phone. He is so very easy to talk to. We talk about almost anything. He's been to my house a couple of times, but he fell asleep both times. He kind of makes me nervous. I could really fall in love with him, but so far I am restraining myself.
As far as my depression is concerned, I'm not actually sure where it is coming from. I am still grieving for my parents. Almost every other thought is of one of them. Kevin occupies my other thoughts. I am still out on disability from Amazon. I am bored almost to death. I putter around this house all day, trying to invent things to do. I figure if I can keep myself busy, then I wouldn't have to think.
However, every morning I have to decide if I want to get out of bed and do something with the day. Tomorrow, for instance, I am going to the post office to mail a letter. I also have a therapy appointment. That's it; nothing else planned for the day. Do I get up and shower and dress? What's the point really? But, I do get up and carry out my activities of daily living, just for the sake of not falling deeper into a dark hole.
I don't sleep much anymore. I get up in the wee hours and watch mindless TV. Tonight is a good example. I think I slept for two hours, and here I am. Oh well, I guess I should try to relax and go back to sleep. I might masturbate. It relaxes me. But, I'm not really feeling horny. That's all for now I guess. Peace, Joy, Love - B
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