Sketches of a Bipolar Girl: The Descent

I woke up today feeling worse than yesterday.  Right now, I am numb.  I don't feel much of anything but tired.  I'm trying to push through because that's all I can do.  Fortunately, my mind is not spinning with negative thoughts yet.  But, I'm sure it's coming.
I hate this disease.  It is so unpredictable and frustrating.  The emotional rollercoaster is exhausting.  It is also taking a toll on my body.  I have digestive issues.  Basically,  my stomach is in knots and sometimes, I get constipated.  When I am manic, I go all the time.  Food has no flavor or it taste like metal.
The frustrating thing is, there's nothing I can do about it.  It is how this disease affects me.  It's different for everyone.  I am a member of a Facebook support group, we all post about what's going on in our lives and give each other comfort and encouragement.  It's kind of weird to discuss my life with total strangers, but those that have this disease are the only people who truly understand.
My sister is home today.  She asked me why I look so tired.  I told her I was tired, and that I am crashing after my mania of last week.  She asked me what I do about it.  I just said, I have to just push through the best I can.
Writing is part of the process of pushing through this crap.  It helps me work out my emotions, so hopefully,I can head off the depression.  I think I will make a list like I did for Aunt Berta, so they know what to look for when I am going through an episode.  It was helpful, I think, even though she did kick me out of the house.  I'm thinking, if they see the symptoms, they will better understand how to help me.
The descent always starts with lack of appetite and sleeping a lot.  Then comes lack of basic hygiene.  Then, I'm in my room all day, curtains drawn, not speaking.  I sometimes don't come out, even to smoke.  Then, I just cry all the time.  By this time, the dark thoughts are spinning in my head all the time.  I feel worthless, stupid and totally inconsequential.  It's as if my existence is a mistake of epic proportions and I don't deserve to live.  At this point, medical intervention is crucial.  I also don't answer my phone or call anyone.
Thankfully, I'm not there yet.  I'm at the beginning stages.  I guess I should take a walk.  The doctor keeps saying that exercise improves mood because it releases endorphins.  My head hurts so bad right now.  I can barely keep my eyes open.  I've been up for 3 hours and I'm ready to go to bed.  But, I made the bed, that usually prevents me from getting back in it.  It's a conscious decision.  I also managed to wash my face and brush my teeth.  I didn't fix my hair, and my clothes are clean.  I guess I'm doing okay today so far.
I wish my mom was here.  I could really use one of her hugs.  I long to bury my head close, and just hear her heart beating.  I did call my dad yesterday.  It brought some comfort.  It's not the same as being in person, but it will have to do for now.  I miss my  mom so much the past few days.  It's like she was the only one who really understood.  No one in my family really does.  I tried contacting my brother last week, but he never replied.  I guess I don't have a brother anymore.  Oh well, it's not like I haven't tried.  I'll still try  and send him something for his birthday on the 17th.
I wonder who will be there for me if I do descend further into darkness.  I guess I will have to carry my own torch.  No one else will.  Everyone has made that perfectly clear.  I'm on my own.  I guess I'm just going to have to be okay with that.  What other choice do I have?

Peace, Joy, Love - B