A few days ago I was in a spiral down into a depressive episode. However, I have now done a complete 180. I woke up today feeling great for no apparent reason. I know it's mania because my insides are churning and I feel like I'm rushing to get somewhere. I want to go outside and run down the street.
I have an unquenchable thirst to clean my room, although I just cleaned it the other day. I want to vacuum again. I did change the bed linens, and wash what little was in my laundry basket. I took a 15 minute shower and scrubbed everything.
I want to clean the bathroom. But, I can't because of my back. It already hurts today. If I do anything I am aching to do, I won't be able to walk for the rest of the day. I can't concentrate on anything for more than 10 minutes. I tried to watch Aquaman last night. I couldn't do it. I kept finding other things to do. I've been scrolling through social media like a maniac.
I find I am desperate for some type of human contact. I have not had another human touch me since I was in the hospital. I have not had a hug since February. The only physical contact I've had has been the cats. I still haven't actually physically met Tony. I am in love with him, but I'm not saying a word until we've actually dated for a month or so. I don't want to be the first to say it. I think I will come off as too needy.
I didn't work last week. I had laryngitis complicated by strep throat. Fun, right? I am finally getting my voice back. It's froggy, but I can talk. Hopefully, it sounds more authoritative than my normal voice, which I think is rather childlike. All my adult life, people have called me and asked to speak to my mom. I wish my voice was sexy. I think I'll have some success this week with my froggy voice. haha.
I wish I could level out. I'm tired of climbing high and plummeting down. I'd like a level field for a few months. Actually, I'd like to be stable for the rest of the year, but I don't see that happening. These mood swings are just too frequent and too extreme. Sometimes, I sleep too much, sometimes not at all. To top it all off, my sugar is not regulated because I'm out of my metformin for my diabetes. I called for it last week, and the doctor was suppose to send it in, but the pharmacy didn't get it. I'm craving sugar like a vampire craves blood. I'm trying to control myself, but it's difficult.
I joined an online diabetes type 2 support group. I'm not sure what I'll get out of it, but what the hell. I've got no one else to talk to about this shit. It's kind of like my bipolar support group. Only people who have these disorders really understand the struggle. I want my mom. She understood. Even if she didn't, she was there with a smile, a hug and a kind word. I don't get that around here. I mostly get accusatory questions and looks.
I want to get off this stupid ride. I want to throw my meds down the drain and just be normal. Unfortunately, if I do that, I'll end up dead from one thing or the other. Sometimes, I wonder if I care. I guess I do, otherwise I would have killed myself by now. Goodness knows I have the means. I think I need to go visit my dad for a week or so. I need to connect with him in person. I do get a lot from our calls, but I want to throw my arms around him, have his beard on my face and give him a big kiss.
I guess what, I'm saying, is I'm not happy today. Just as I'm writing, my mood has changed to irritable.
Let me off this ride please. I've had enough for today.
Peace Joy Love - B
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