Sketches of a Bipolar Girl: The Disappearing Lady

Wow, I haven't written since September 2017! Sorry about that, but I had to disappear for a while.  Don't get excited, it has nothing to do with espionage or anything. I was simple spinning in a cyclone of moods and medications. Basically, I've been in bed since last year.
I've had many medication changes, panic attacks and suicidal thoughts during this time period. My therapist recommended hospitalization quite a few times, but I refused to go inpatient.  You see, I huddled beneath my blankets and slept 18 hours a day.  I was not eating well, bathing or doing anything to show I cared about myself.
I stood out in the cold rain a few times, hoping to get pneumonia.  It didn't work. I burned myself with cigarettes a few times to focus on a different kind of pain, but that didn't work either. I spent my awake hours in my room streaming TV shows. I even ate in my room. I didn't cry very much. I just mostly stared at my computer.  I wasn't taking my medication as prescribed or checking my blood sugar.  This led to a week in the hospital because my blood sugar spiked to 800 mg/dl.  I should have been in a coma, that's kind of what I was going for, but my mom intervened. I crept out of my room on one afternoon to get something to eat, but I was weak, dizzy, and falling down. So, my uncle helped me to the car and we went to the hospital.  I could barely say my name, didn't know the day or year and I passed out.
I awoke in intensive care, not remembering much of anything. It took 6 days to get it together. That was in March of this year. I came home and had a nurse come by for 2 weeks. I got a nutritionist to help me with a diabetic diet. Unfortunately, I was still in the middle of a depressive episode that was getting worse.
I had totally cut myself off from everyone. I wasn't posting on Facebook or answering the phone. I was convinced that someone was watching me. I didn't wear any clothes without holes in them. I walked around barefoot and stopped eating again.
In May, I saw my therapist, and all hell broke lose. I was hysterical, and told her I was finished. I confessed to having a suicide plan. The office called the hospital, but I refused to go until after I saw my psychiatrist. I had to contract for safety or they wouldn't let me go home. I saw the doctor on May 17th. I agreed to go to the hospital for an assessment for outpatient treatment.  However, the doctor committed me. I was inpatient from May 17th to the 30th. I think I slept the first 2 days. I don't really remember much.  But as the days went on I felt better.  I discovered that some of the things I thought I had dealt with were still very much in my mind. 
I am starting from scratch on learning the coping skills and recognizing my triggers. I am about a 5 on the scale of 1 to 10 on depression, and a 4 on anxiety. I have been going through my Facebook posts to see which of them I want to transfer to this blog.  I am going to try to put them in some kind of order and possibly make a book out of everything.  For the time being anyway, I have reappeared and am doing my best to participate in my life.  The darkness is always nearby, so I will have to be careful not to traumatize myself with old memories and flashbacks. That's all for now. I wish you Peace, Joy, Love - B