sketches of a bipolar girl: Discharge

I discharged today from the partial program at the mental hospital. I am a little wary. I had some really scary dreams the past couple of days. I am always running through the dark woods because someone is trying to kill me. The Shadow People showed up the night before last. At first, I couldn't see them, but I heard them and smelled them.  I think it's just anxiety about my surgery tomorrow. Everyone is telling me it is a common, simple procedure. I want to believe them, but nothing is ever easy for me. I thought I had a urinary tract infection, but it turns out I had diabetes. I thought I had just strained my back. It turned out I had a herniated disc.  You get the idea.
I have not prayed to God for healing, but only that he gives me the strength to get through it. I really just want to go away for a while. I'd like to see my father. Since I will not have any money for a long time, maybe he could come here. If he came on a weekend, maybe he could stay with my sister in Georgia.  She's only a couple of hours away. I just want to hold his hand, and lay my head on his shoulder.
We talked about journals in the 2 PM group. I shared my experience with journals. I've had quite a few. I talked about how I used my journal to deal with rape and molestation. I kept them for a while, but burned them when I was ready to let that part of my life go. This is my journal now.  There really isn't any rhyme or reason to my writings. I just write whatever is in my head. It helps get rid of the bad stuff. Sometimes, some good memories come out.
One thing that has come out of this hospitalization, is that I am dealing with my self esteem issues. Basically, I have no self esteem. I despise almost everything about myself. Although I have been putting on make-up lately, it's because I want to try and see something pretty about my face. I put it on in sections. I don't like looking at my face as a whole because I am so ugly.  But, if I just work on one part at a time, it's not so hard.
I turn in disgust if I catch a look at my body. I am fat, saggy, scarred and blubbery. I know I need to lose weight, but am easily distracted.  Besides, I would be carrying around extra skin.  I don't have the money for it anyway.  I guess I better start walking and stop looking like a tub of lard.
I hope I'm not in too much pain tomorrow. Hopefully, I'll get some good drugs.  Oh well, I better take my meds now and go to bed. I'm up around 5 AM tomorrow. Peace, Joy, Love - B