Sketches of a Bipolar Girl: Scared to Live

Well, it's father's day. I called my dad this morning, even though I just talked to him last night. I love the sound of his voice. It soothes me, and chases all the demons away. He is another safety net in my life. I know I will be safe with him around.
Don't get me wrong, my mother is my other safety net. She hugs me and all the broken pieces are put back together.  I don't know what I will do when they are gone.  I am trying my best to hone my coping skills so I don't fall apart.
I don't want to bury my parents. I would prefer that they bury me first. I never thought I would live past 45 years old. So, these past 7 years I have been at a loss on how to live my life. I would like to do something useful. I've tried volunteering, but I had panic attacks every time I had to leave the house. I even tried vocational rehabilitation, but that didn't work out either.
It is 8 years since I've had a job. I've been thinking of going to bartender school. I think I would be a pretty good bartender. Right now the only drink I know how to mix is a tequila sunrise. I haven't attended college for 18 months. I still owe them money.
I am in partial hospitalization until Monday. Then on Thursday, I go in for a D & C.  I started cramping in November, and it has only gotten worse. I started bleeding in February, and my doctor did an endometrial biopsy and vaginal ultrasound. Both came out okay, and she said we would just keep an eye on things.  Well, I had really bad cramps and bled last month. She said we should do a D & C and scrap out my uterus, and biopsy everything.
Well, I have been a nervous wreck ever since. I've been falling into a depression all week, which is kind of ruining all the progress I made since being in the hospital. To top it all off, I don't have the money to pay anyone and am currently overdrawn $100 in my checking account. I'm afraid I am going to have to declare bankruptcy again.  All I know for sure is I am scared.