Sketches of a Bipolar Girl: Childhood

Back to group today. It was good but draining. I shared a lot in processing group. I explain that a lot of my problems with negative thinking stem from childhood trauma. My mom also suffers from a mental illness, and attempted suicide 3 times that I remember while I was growing up. Since adults didn't have grown up conversations with children. I guess it was in effort to protect us. However, a child's mind will seek out it's own answers the best it can.
 I thought that it must have been my fault. I figured that my mom didn't love me enough. See, I decided that if I was prettier, smarter, thinner and had "good hair", my mom would love me and wouldn't leave me. I did everything I could to be what I thought a good girl would be, and I would fix her.
. I remember when she would lay down in the afternoon. I would be very quiet and creep into her room to make sure she was still breathing. I lived in fear of her going away. That turned into an anxiety disorder that caused me, and still does, interrogate members of my family on where they were going, and when they would be back.
 I also lived in fear of the kids in my neighborhood. I was bullied and chased home on more than one occasion. Imagine being 9 years old convinced that your mother would rather die than watch you grow up, and your classmates wanted to kill you.
 Of course I now know that my mom's illness was not my fault or responsibility to fix. As for the bullying, I am still dealing with the fall out. It took away my ability to trust. At times, I still see people as predators waiting in the shadows to attack me. I have been working on it for years, but moving to a new state knowing only 4 people was a vicious blow to my sense of security.
 I have lived here for 5 years, and the only friends I've made are fellow mental patients. I don't have to pretend with them. I am one of them, and they understand how I feel. I have to start opening myself up to people, so I have some friends to hang out with once in a while.
 We went over negative coping skills today. We talked about the most common. My 2 worse skills are sleeping too much and flight mentality. I either go to bed, hoping the problem will resolve itself, or I just let my mind take me on flights of fancy. I am a little worried that one day my mind will float off completely, but for now it gives me some relief. In the meantime, I will concentrating on positive coping skills. I'm going to start gathering my journals, and posts together so I can put everything in some kind of order. I wish you all..Peace, Joy, Love - B