Sketches of a Bipolar Girl: The Prodigal Girl Returns

It's Sunday, the day we set aside for God and family. This is my first service since November. I was angry, I'm still angry. I blamed God for my disease, my disappointments and the pain of every day living. So, I cursed Him, used His name in vain, and stopped speaking to Him. I hurt no one but myself. I am the one who sent me into the riptide. I stopped talking and held back my feelings. Whenever I hold things in, it festers like an infected wound. My brain chemistry gets way out of balance and the voices come. My anxiety and depression build inside me and then the Shadow People come. They are always there, standing next to me, coaxing me to go with them in to the all encompassing darkness that is my custom designed hell. Jesus is there too. He doesn't say anything. He stands there surrounded by a warm light with his arms outstretched. He leaves the choice up to me. So, why do I always seem to choose the darkness. I have no idea. I guess it's because I am familiar with the pain. I am, for lack of a better word, addicted to darkness. It is the light of Jesus that scares me. In His light there is no place to hide, nothing can be denied, and my secrets are revealed. At my last confession, I was told that God chooses some people to suffer so he can work through them to save others. This time he reminded me that nowhere in Scripture did God promise us a easy life here on earth. He promises us happiness in the hereafter if we live by his Word. I guess that it seems that I am one of the chosen. I must suffer so I can testify of God's love and mercy. Maybe, there is someone out there like me who is suffering from a mental illness and needs to know he is not alone. I don't want this burden. I want this cup to pass from me. It has been exactly one week since the dog ran off. I am still crying. I find myself making bargains with God. If he returns Toby to his dad, I will do such and such. But God doesn't make bargains. The only thing I can hope for is my uncle's forgiveness, and that he still loves me. I have learned a hard lesson. God does not stop the world because I have a problem. It continues to rotate on it's axis as it circles the sun. I can either reach out and take His hand and go with the rest of the world, or I can freeze in place and be blown off the surface as it goes around. Today, I choose to take His hand. I know He will never let go. It is my choice. I must remember that God is always there, and He wants what is best for me. Enjoy your Sunday. Peace, Joy, Love - B