Sketches of a Bipolar Girl: A Night of Terror

 

I used to have night terrors all the time. They would come every night for weeks on end. As a result I developed sleep anxiety. I became afraid to go to sleep because of the nightmares. I haven't had one in quite some time. I've had anxiety dreams where I would be lost in the woods in the middle of a savage storm. I would scream for my mom, but I couldn't find her. I could hear her call me, but I could see her and her voice was far off in the distance. 

Last night I had a very disturbing nightmare involving my mom. I woke up violently almost screaming. I dreamed that my mother was trying to kill me. Well, it wasn't the mother I remember. The mother in my nightmare was severely psychotic. She was attacking me, eventually trying to kill me. 

She came to me in the middle of the night and tried to place a tube in my rectum and flush in gallons of water. I fought her off, and screamed for my dad. My mom had locked the door so he couldn't get in the room. I screamed for him the whole time. She would go away, and then come back again and again trying to force the tube in my rectum and also tried to gas me. The mask smelled of ether and I felt myself getting drowsy. She had the strength of ten men, and I couldn't fight her off. I finally was able to fight her and grabbed her by the hair pulling her head back. I finally bit her on the throat and attempted to tear her throat out. I finally gave her head a violent jerk snapping her neck. 

Once she was dead, I woke up. I was out of breath and scared out of my mind. I spent the next half hour on the couch trying to get myself together. I wish I knew why I had that nightmare. I wish I knew why my loving, kind mother who had always taken care of me was trying to hurt me. 

I am scheduled for a colonoscopy next month, so maybe that has something to do with it. But I wish I could figure out why it was so terrifying. Needless to say, my sleep anxiety is back. I hope I can get some rest tonight. I can't get the crazed look in her eyes out of my mind. What the hell is going on? 

Peace - B