Sketches of a Bipolar Girl: Running from Inside

How do you run from what's inside your head?  Some people take pills.  Some people drink.  Others, like me, take to our beds and sleep hoping for quiet.  When my family says to try and think of something else, or just put those thoughts out of my head, I am not sure of what to say.  Sometimes, the phrase "fuck you" comes to mind.  However, most of the time I just tell them they don't understand.
I'm tired of explaining that my mind doesn't work that way.  People don't seem to understand that my brain is sick.  These thoughts I have are organic.  I don't sit around and plan on sleeping all day.  I want to go out and socialize, but no one seems to truly comprehend that people scare the shit out of me.
I have been on a diet for 1 month.  I gained 2 pounds.  The biggest reason I haven't lost any weight is, I don't exercise.  Silly I know to expect the pounds to drop off by themselves.  But, in order to exercise well, one must go outdoors or to a gym.  This is difficult for me, since I believe there is someone trying to kill me.  Who would make up such horrifying shit as that!!
The reason I brought up the diet issue, is that I want my body to be smaller.  I want to find myself attractive.  I am all for the full-size model and curvy girl movement, but I will never look like them because I am 5'2" and 250 lbs.  I just want to be what I see myself as beautiful.  However, the problem is that other people might find me attractive too, particularly men.
Don't get me wrong, I like men as a species.  But individually, I see them all as predators.  This has to do with past trauma.  My problem is, I want to fall in love with a man and get married.  Wherein lies my problem.  How do I get rid of my man phobia in order to get a boyfriend?
I have found ways to temporarily escape some thoughts.  There is mindfulness, meditation, journaling and positive self talk.  But, as soon as I let my guard down, the rubbish heap comes flooding in the back door of my psyche.  It triggers off an emotional waterfall in my brain, and I can't swim.
So, there is no way of successfully running from what's inside your head?  If that way is ever found, I will be the first on board.
Peace, Joy, Love - B