As you know, or may not know for that matter, bipolar II comes with a litany of symptoms. My worst symptom, which comes with both depression and mania, is hallucinations. I suffer from both auditory and visual hallucinations. The auditory hallucinations don't bother me as much. Usually, it's crowd noises and radio sports announcers. Sometimes, it's just plain old white noise, the kind you hear when the TV goes out. The visual hallucinations are a whole other story.
Unlike some people who see pretty colors or rainbows and butterflies, mine are terribly frightening. I've written about the Shadow People and the Dark Man, but my visions have started to manifest in new ways. They are faces; horrible, gory, creepy faces.
Sometimes, I see the devil with his red skin and black ram horns. He spews out vomit through his gnarled, blackened teeth, and he has no eyes. I also see a ragged old hag with yellow teeth, and open wounds on her face. Her eyes are yellow, red and bulging out of their sockets. She has bugs in her hair, which sometimes eats. Then, there is the clown. He looks like Pennywise from the Stephen King novel, It, except worse if you can imagine. Where his eyes should be are bloody sockets, and his nose is black and rotting. You can see in bloody, razor sharp teeth when he smiles. I think worst of them all is the dead man. He is just a rotting head with maggots all over his face. He has crows on his head and they are pecking out his eyes.
This is what I have seen every night for 2 weeks. In my rational mind, I know they are not real. But, at night, when my anxiety is high, they are real. I don't fall asleep until 2 or 3 in the morning because I am afraid of the nightmares they will bring. I already have nightmares in which people are trying to kill me, will these new visions come after me too? I am too terrified to find out. Sleeping with the lights on doesn't really help like it does with the Shadow People and the Dark Man. They don't like the light. These new people aren't afraid of light, they come whether I have my lights on or not. When I do fall asleep, it's mostly due to exhaustion.
I don't know why my brain brought them forward or what they mean. My therapist mention a new therapy she wants to try. Maybe it will work for me and we can finally unlock my mind and deal with all my demons. Maybe once that happens, maybe my brain chemistry will get a little better. Maybe my body will finally come down from flight or fight mode from the constant anxiety.
In the meantime, I am trying to keep my head together and not freak out all the time. I don't want to go back to the hospital or have ECT. But, I must be honest with myself, and admit my episodes are getting worse. I hope this doesn't mean it's progressive, but I'm scared.
Peace, Joy, Love - B
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