Sketches of a Bipolar Girl: No Rest for the Weary

My body is exhausted.  I cannot walk properly.  I can only manage a slow shuffle from room to room.  My back is in spasms and my arms are stiff.  The only comfortable position is being curled up in a fetal position with piles of pillows.

I have gone 2 nights without sleep this week, and the other nights I have been up until 3 AM.  It's the depression and anxiety.  My depression begs for sleep, but my anxiety makes me afraid to close my eyes. 

Sometimes, I lay in the dark, my brain alive and purculating with thoughts of all kinds.  Other times, I have to turn on the lights to keep the Shadow People at bay.  All of these sleep difficulties have thrown my medication schedules off, which in turn have made my symptoms more active.  I am hallucinating, crying, having anxiety attacks, sensitive to light and noise and extremely lethargic.  I don't go out unless I have to.  I only go as far as the porch to smoke.  If I have to take my mom out, I stay in the car because it is one of my safe places.

I have taken to chain smoking.  If I could drink, I would.  But, I can't drink with my medications, so I fight that temptation. I have taken extra sleeping pills, sometimes they work, often times they don't.  I saw my doctor yesterday, and he adjusted one of my meds.  I started it today.  I hope it starts working soon.  Sometimes, I feel like I'm going to pass out from exhaustion.

I know why I am afraid of the dark.  I've always feared monsters in the dark.  When I was little, every creak on the stairs was Frankenstein coming to get me.  Then, the molestations were in the middle of the night.  I just lay on the musty carpet and let it happen, while my brain shut off and took my to magical places.

I wish I could go to magical places now, but I can't get my mind to shut up long enough to meditate.  It's getting harder to get my mind to shut up.  I do all the things I'm supposed to, except exercise, and I know the reasons behind that.  I really have to get over it.  Exercise will do me a world of good.  I'm just not up for it right now.  I'm just so tired.  Just a few nights of sleep.  That's all I want. 

Peace, Joy, Love - B