Sketches of a Bipolar Girl: Hell has Frozen Over

 

You won't believe it! You simply will not believe it. My sister paid the rent!! All of it. She did not complain. She did not curse me out. She gave me her card and said to pay it. So, it's paid. I told her when I get paid that I will just give it to her, but she said that wasn't necessary. See, I told you. Unbelievable. 

The car insurance will probably lapse, but I don't care. As long as I deal with it before a month goes by, I'll be fine I think. It doesn't really matter, I'll have to pay a fine to the state for not having insurance. Last time I paid it, it was $25. I'll probably need to use my paycheck for that. Fortunately, my phone and the electricity is paid. 

I missed work on Friday. I had a migraine from hell and back spasms. So, I took my pills and went to sleep. I don't think I'll get in trouble at work. April and Erica actually expressed concern this time. I'm having back surgery next Thursday. My SI joint is getting fused. That's my sacroiliac joint. That's the surgery for 2025. Remember 2024 was the shoulder, which is still bothering me. Now, I'm having increasing pain in my left hip. It's my actual hip joint this time. I can feel it grinding if I walk too long. It's been bothering me for over a year, but I just haven't said anything. Why complain about every ache and pain? I should really just go out on permanent disability somehow. I need to spend at least 6 months in a hospital to get all my issues worked on at once. 

The really big deal around here is that Erica started talking to her estranged father. This started a few days ago. She's acting like it's not a big deal, but it's huge. She has had such rage against this man for almost 10 years. Why she's letting go now is anyone's guess. I'm sure he's thrilled. He did miss her. He's coming to town this week with Erica's sisters for a concert. So, it's like a skewed family reunion. I hope it goes well, I really do. Looks like Hell really froze solid. I can't believe it. 

I slept most of today. I'm a cat in human form. I am a Leo after all, and the lion is my spirit animal. Cats sleep about 16-20 hours a day and wake up only to hunt and feed. Which makes sense. I wake up to eat then go back to sleep. My back is so out of whack, and my body in general is tired. 

I am no longer angry. I'm just tired. I'm also cold. I've been bundling up and sleeping. I wish I had a weighted blanket, not hot but heavy. I guess I'm feeling anxious, hence my need to cocoon.

Sketches of a Bipolar Girl: A New Week, Back to Work and a Dead Pope

 

Well, it's Easter Monday. I spent yesterday quietly. I went to 10 am Mass. I wore my new outfit complete with Easter hat. People said I looked nice. I was the only one with a hat, but you can't expect too much with a predominately white congregation. Had it been a black church, goodness knows what hats there would have been. 

Today is the start of a new week, which is significant for me because I also go back to work this week. I was hoping to start today, but my work account is still disabled. It should be up and running by tomorrow. I also start on a new team. I am no longer on the Texas team handling one insured group. I've been put on the commercial side on Team Prestige. I'll be handling all kinds of groups again. That means I'll be taking provider calls again as well as members, and those vile broker calls where they want to check benefits or claims on multiple members. Yuck. I hated those calls, they would especially call late at night. However, the good news is that my hours are changing. I don't know what they are yet, but I'm hoping to get off by 6 pm. 

The pope died today. I'm a little heartbroken. After Pope John Paul, Pope Francis was my favorite. He was kind and loving towards all people and didn't believe in the majesty of the church. He believed that the servers of Christ should be among their flock, and hear them. So, now begins the battle over the future look of the Church and what stance it will take on the moral issues of the day. As for me, I'm not conservative at all. I believe that all people have the right to love whomever they choose. While I can't see gay marriage happening in the Church ever, I believe that gay marriage is allowable. I don't believe in abortion across the board. I feel that there are too many ways to prevent pregnancy for it to be an option for a mistake or oops. Abortion should be allowed in cases of rape, incest and to preserve the life of the mother. Other than that, adoption is always an option. I suppose some would argue, but that's just how I feel. Understand mind you, that I am not unbendable in my views. If someone has a point to make, I will also consider it and may even change my mind. It depends on the circumstances. 

I'm feeling much better today. My rage has passed and I am dealing with my negative emotions. I think I needed to clean out my emotional boxes, and get rid of some built up resentment and anger. I have noticed however, that I haven't really spoken to April or Erica very much. I just don't have anything to say right now. I have stated my case, and if they want to feel pissy about it, that's on them. But I have been taking note of some things. 

I'm not feeling depressed like I usually do after an angry period. I haven't turned it around on myself as is my old pattern of behavior. I haven't said all of the hateful things I wrote down, which the whole point of writing them done. I just got the feelings out of me and am moving on with my life. I wonder what would happen if they ever came across my blog and read the many posts I've written about them and others. It would blow their minds I'm sure. Haha. Oh well. Maybe I'll leave t for when I'm dead. 

Peace- Queen B  

Sketches of a Bipolar Girl: How is this My Fault?

 

It started out as a simple message. Hey, need help with the car insurance this month. It's $362, and I have $190. What do I get? A fucking attitude! My car costs $110 to insure per month. It's your fucking car that costs so much. I don't car if you do have a high car payment, that is not my problem. I insure both cars under my name, and by rights you should be paying me something for the insurance. I also pay the electric bill, $178 per month. I don't get anything for that either. I should be getting money for that from both of you too. Oh and let's not forget that I have been paying the rent which is $1721 per month, and paying it with MY FUCKING SOCIAL SECURITY!!!!!!! 

What do get from you per month, $200 if I'm lucky. You don't even buy my food. I have to buy my own shit. God forbid you should pick up some juice for me. OOPs, this just in, a suggestion, file an appeal for my social security. You see they sent me a letter saying that because I have had substantial work or whatever for a period of time, my time is up. The thing is, I sent them an appeal letter when they said I was going to be investigated. I have the diagnoses for eligibility, it seems you can't be a contributing member of society at the same time. I guess I'll have to send another for the powers that be to be satisfied. I don't know what I am supposed to say. 

I'm so tired of this money shit. It's like okay, you pay your bills and I'll pay mine. Neither the twain shall meet. I guess someone will just have to cut down on her coffee intake. That's $100 a week right there. Make your fucking coffee at home like the rest of us. I'd like to get Starbucks everyday too, but I know I can't afford it. 

I give the fuck up. You both on on my last nerve. I don't get angry very often, because I don't like the way I feel when I'm angry. But right now, my guts are churning and I want to just leave. I wish I knew someone. I'd go over her house and moan bitch and complain. 

You know what, if I win the lottery, you guys are getting $100k, after that you can kiss my ass. I'm outta here. 

Queen B 

Sketches of a Bipolar Girl: Sometimes I HATE Your Fucking Guts!

 

Okay, so you've had a bad day. Well, join the fucking club. You think I'm enjoying my life right now. My back has been screaming at me all fucking day. I've got a migraine because I forgot to take my pills. Yeah, yeah you're on the spectrum. Your brain doesn't work "normally". Big fucking deal. I've got bipolar disorder, my brain hasn't been normal since I was 16 years old. 

So, you've got allergies. You think you're the only one!! Almost everyone I meet has an allergy, but none of them complain about it a tenth of what you do. In fact, you complain about everything all the fucking time. You like your job, hate your boss, but you don't confront him. You just sit there and stew in it all day and wonder why you're so tired. You soak up stress and say nothing, and then wonder why you don't feel well. Sometimes, I just want to slap you because you seem to like being the victim. Sometimes, you're the dumbest bitch I've ever met, and quite frankly, right at this second, I hate your fucking guts!!!!!

You act like no one has it as hard as you. You let people push your buttons because you can't set boundaries for yourself. But it's their fault for getting on your nerves. People treat them how you let them shithead. Learn to say no, it ain't hard. Your former therapists tried to tell you that, but they were wrong. You admit you carry rage with you, but refuse to do anything about it. So we're supposed to treat you with kid gloves whenever you're in a bad mood?! Fuck you! You're an exhausting person to live with since you're in a bad mood ALL the fucking time. 

You want to be alone, then fucking leave. We can figure out how to live without you. You want to go to Minnesota? Well, god dammit, go pack your shit and get the fuck out!!! Truth is you're 41 years old and you ain't fucking going anywhere. Your mom can manage without you, but face facts little girl, you can't live without your mom. I know of what I speak. I can't believe I gave you the power to make me so angry during Holy Week. I'm so pissed, I can't sleep. 

You don't want to talk to me, fine, don't fucking talk to me. I'm done. FUCK YOU!!!! 

Sketches of a Bipolar Girl: Don't Look Now, but I'm Back!!!!

 

Well, it's been 3 days and I must say that my dear old friend depression is back. It kind of crept up on me. I knew it was coming, I could feel it. I tried very hard to fight it, but I admit it, I gave up. I've been sleeping a lot, and my food choices have been less than stellar. I think I'm going to cook some chicken tonight or tomorrow. I want to get a few more apples, and some mushrooms and sautee them all together with some chicken. Maybe, I'll throw in some Bellini jam too. Sounds good, I just hope I have the energy to do it. 

I ran out of steam also. I'm just so fucking tired all the time. I guess I should see my therapist, but then again, what am I going to say. It's not like I haven't been through this before. Plus, I know what it's about. I don't have any money, again. I was late on this month's rent, so I had a late fee on top of it. I wasn't sure I'd get my SSD this month since I got a letter saying they cut me off. I don't know when that goes into effect, but I got to get back to work, and maybe get a side hustle. Driving for DoorDash is starting to look pretty good. Plus I can set my own hours. I can do it on the weekends. 

Praise God, Hallelujah!!! I just got my disability check. I immediately paid my rent. So I have about $500 left to my name. I still have other bills to pay. But, I'm getting my hair done on the 16th. I'll be damned if I cancel that. I'm getting my nails done tomorrow, just a pedicure. I'll have my toes out for Easter, so I can't do a home pedicure. It's not like anyone looks at my feet, but I'll know that they are pretty. That's all that matters right? 

The guy I met on Facebook dating, Victor, turned out to be a dud. He talked a good game, but he met someone else, and I guess he could get me off his mind afterall. lol. Anyway, I've been sending likes to different guys, they all look nice, but I haven't checked to see if they like me back. I'm tired of texting, I want to go on a real date. Not that I can have him come to my hole in the wall apartment. I'll have to meet him somewhere, I guess. But, I suppose if I tell him all the good and bad, he might understand. Just as long as I make it clear I'm not looking for a sugardaddy or someone to rescue me. I don't need anyone to do that, I can take care of myself. 

I've called a group meeting for tonight regarding our funds. We need to discuss the social security situation and bills that affect us all. I'm going to need help with the electric, car insurance, and more money for rent. It's going to suck big time. We are all stressed beyond measure. But, I can say that this time it is not my fault. I didn't do anything, okay, I did spend some money that I should have, but I'm tired of living like a church mouse. 

Well, I've got a little more energy right now since the rent issue is done. I think I will straighten up the house a bit and light a candle. Its also story time. That's all for now. My back is killing me. Need to take a pain pill. Talk atcha later. 

Peace, Joy, Love - Queen B 

Sketches of a Bipolar Girl: Is This My Life?

 

I've said it before, and I'll say it again. This isn't how my life was supposed to go. I'm supposed to be the wife of an executive, doctor or lawyer. I'm supposed to have 4 rock-headed boys and spend my days going to soccer, football, track and swim practices. My husband and I are still in love after everything we've been through, namely my battles with bipolar and diabetes. 

I live in a 4 bedroom, 3 1/2 bathroom house with a formal living room, dining room and a huge kitchen. The house is 3250 sq. ft. and has a 3 car garage, a big back yard with a firepit and an outdoor dining area with a built in outdoor kitchen. I do not live in a 1 bedroom apartment with 2 other people on top of me. Actually, we do okay. We give each other our space when needed. 

As I'm 59 yrs old, my children are grown, and one son is married with a 3 yr old and a baby on the way. I adore my daughter in law. We spend time together shopping, lunching and getting ourselves beautified at the salon. I just got a new Nissan Rogue , it's blue with tan leather interior. 

I cook dinner on Sunday, and the family gathers together to spend time and share the events of the week. My sons get along pretty well. Of course Darius, the oldest, thinks he knows everything and does not hesitate to share his wisdom with his younger brothers. My second son, Xavier, is the one with the growing family. My third son, Maximillian, is the creative and artistic one with gallery openings and riding the waves of the artsy set. My youngest, Avery, is the techno, engineering nerd. He could do complex math problems at the age of 5, and took physics in 4th grade. He graduated high school at 15. He could have graduated earlier, but I kept him in school to take electives and let him mature a little more before heading off to college where he graduated at the top of his class. 

They all have significant others and seem very happy. No one seems to have inherited my bipolar disorder. They've all been in therapy thanks to me. I wanted them to go to therapy just to be able to process my illness and my episodes of depression and mania. There were a couple of bad episodes, but with the love and support of my family, I got through it okay. 

So, what happened? Why is the above not my reality? Well, for one thing, I've lived the greater part of my adult life in survival mode. When a person lives to survive, she wraps herself in a cocoon of protective feelings and actions. I was extremely shy with people I didn't know. I still am to some degree, but I've been trying to break down the walls I hide behind to let people in my world. I had to learn to trust people since I never felt I could trust anyone in my life to be there for me. Growing up with a then distant father and a schizophrenic mother makes for an extremely anxious child. I grew up waiting for the other shoe to drop. I spent most of my adult life that way. It's hard to meet your person when you expect them to hurt you deeply. 

Which is why my track record is nothing but losers. I never had a chance with any of them, not that I wanted to have a relationship with any of them. All I did was have empty sex with them. I felt so bad about myself, if someone paid me the slightest bit of attention, there I was. 

Oh well, I'm not there anymore. I really love myself now and have set a pretty high bar. I'd rather be by myself than with someone who doesn't value me. I'm not lonely, I'm just used to being alone. I think that if I did meet someone now, he'd be pretty hard-pressed to get me to relinquish my me time. 

So, there you have it. The life the younger me wanted and the life the older me is living. Do I have regrets? Just one, I always wanted a child. But at this point I'll just settle for being a step-grandma. I like shopping for kids. Hell, I just like shopping. 

Peace, Joy, Love - Queen B 

Sketches of a Bipolar Girl: The Magic of Ordinary Days

 

Today is not a good day. Yesterday was a worse day. I realized that I am sinking into a depression. My physical health is taking a toll on my emotions. I'm frustrated and fed up. I feel like giving up. But then, I think of people who have it worse than me, and I feel guilty. I can still walk, albeit slowly. I can drive my car, but must admit there are times I shouldn't be. I can still get out of my home, although yesterday was kind of tough. I was feeling unsafe. 

I skipped physical therapy yesterday. I went there and parked but never turned of the car. I felt a panic attack brewing so I left and just drove around for an hour. I did go to Kroger though and picked up a few things. I wish I had a lot more money, I would just shop. I gave up Amazon for Lent. Although I did break my Lenten commitment another way. I masturbated. It was kind of a relief. I haven't done it in almost a year, and being as I don't get any type of affection or human touch except for the doctor, it was ,kind of needed. Still, it is a since, and I'll have to confess before I can take the Blessed Sacrament again. 

I started on Nurtec yesterday. It's an oral dissolving pill for migraines. It made me sick last night. I got up about 1 am to throw up. Although it might be the milk. I got some regular milk to put on my cereal yesterday because corn flakes and rice krispies taste funny with oatmilk. So, I had regular milk yesterday for the first time in 2 years. Now I have a lot of gas. Oh well, I had a lot of gas before anyway. 

I met a guy on Facebook. His name is Victor and he seems very nice and very genuine. We chatted a bit and exchanged photos in addition to the profile. I think he could be someone important if all goes well. But, I learned my lesson with Kevin. I will not fall so hard so fast. Vic is not a work in progress. He is a complete man and knows what he wants. I found him very easy to talk to. I hope it's not just a scam or my typical trash relationship. No sex for 90 days after first date. That in itself is very unusual for me as I usually have sex right away. But, I have my standards and I'd rather be alone than get involved in another sexual escapade. 

So, I suppose the magic in an ordinary day is the ability to turn it into a better day, something extraordinary. The day started out rather glum, but it was my decision to change it that made it better. How about that, I have super powers. I didn't have them years ago. This would have been the slip slide back down the rabbit hole for a few weeks of depression and hopelessness. I don't want to feel that anymore. I have finally trained my brain to turn off certain emotions and ignore deeply trenched triggers. It only took 30+ years to master. 

I used to just let my feelings take over and ride it out. I finally learned that I am the one who controls my feelings. It's okay to feel things, but I don't have to let my emotions take over my life. When I have a bad day, it's now okay to have a bad day, but now I have the choice to either wallow in it or make it better. By the way, I made it better before I heard from Vic. I hope to hear from him again, but if I don't oh well. It's his loss.  

Well, I only sat at my desk to sit on my back cushion to make the pain go away. It's settled down now, so I guess I will try to go to bed now. Oh, I should mention that I got a letter from Social Security and they are going to decide whether or not my benefits will continue. I have to get back to them with in 10 days. Needless to say, that's a mood killer, but whatever. They're going to do what they are going to do. I'm going to write to them about all my conditions and see what happens. Wish me luck. That's all. 

Peace, Joy, Love - Queen B💖

Sketches of a Bipolar Girl: What Becomes of the Broken Heartened?

 

Today, my heart is breaking. Not because of anything someone did to me, it's just hurting. My heart hurts because my body hurts, my head hurts, my soul hurts. My soul should be okay, I did go to Mass today where the homily and gospel was regarding the Samaritan Woman at the well. I was filled with the spirit of life, was quench with the water of life provided by Christ, my Lord and Savior. 

So, why am I down today? It didn't start out that way. I was up at 7 am, fed the cats and got ready for church. I wore my cute pink t-shirt dress and a denim jacket. I put my new pins in my hair. I looked cute. I was greeted at church warmly and even met 2 new people, a nice couple, Bob and Millie. They sit in front of me every Sunday. People are recognizing me as a regular now. It's nice. 

Next weekend, they are having a baby goods collection, so off to Walmart I went to get a few baby things. I got 2 outfits for a boy and 2 outfits for a girl  along with a couple of packs of baby wipes. I also bought myself some new socks. I must have 50 pairs of socks. I need to get rid of some. 

I came home and had breakfast, and tried to relax. Of course, it's hard to relax when you're in pain. My back is screaming at me. I put heat on it and some massage. It still hurts. I have a headache behind my right eye. I just popped a couple of Advil dual action tablets. 

I'm feeling a little blue today because today would have been 30th birthday of my friend's daughter. She tragically died in a car accident several years ago. She would have been 30 today. She was a very beautiful young woman, and was taken too soon. Makayla was my friend's only child. Since I've never had children, I cannot begin to understand Khris's pain. I can only imagine, and it makes a hole in my heart to think about it. 

Then there is the state of the world. I just don't understand how we got here. Well, yes I do, but I cannot blame just 1 or 2 individuals. I have to blame the whole country for allowing this madman to come to power and then just stand here and let him do whatever he sees fit. There is talk of him abolishing the amendment that limits presidents to 2 terms. I say okay, if you abolish it, then Barack Obama can run again and put this country back together. What the cheeto wants is to be a dictator. He thinks he will, but I have news for you. This country will only take so much of his tomfuckery before we rise up. It won't be in violence or anything, which is what he wants, it will be in silence as we take back our country and send the felon to prison where he belongs. 

I guess I'm just like everyone else. I'm tired. Naps can't help. The only thing I can do is protest and pray. That's all 

Peace, Joy, Love - Queen B

Sketches of a Bipolar Girl: If at First You don't Succeed...

 

Well, guys and dolls, cats and kittens, ladies and gentlemen, I had my cortisone shot in my S1 joint last Friday. It is now 4 days later, and it's worn off already. I was pain free for approximately 48 hours. Now, I'm back on my routine of Advil and Voltaren gel. I am back on the heating pad, and sitting on my donut cushion. In short, it's as if I never had the shot. What to do? 

Hmm, I'm not sure. I suppose I should call tomorrow and tell them "hey! it didn't work!!!" I guess I won't yell, but I will let them know I didn't find any relief. I don't know what the next steps will be. Maybe another MRI, probably another shot. Maybe we'll skip all the shit and just go for surgery. In any case, something will have to be done. 

I'm having the VNG test tomorrow for my dizzy spells. It's short for Videonystagmography . I'm going to have to wear special goggles that measures my eye movements why doing specific tasks. If I have abnormal eye movements, then it will prove I have a vestibular disorder. Quite frankly, I hope my reading is off the charts. I refuse to believe that my brain is normal. There is something wrong. I have to figure it out soon, so I can justify more leave of absence or that there is in fact nothing wrong so I can get back to work. 

I'm not scheduled to see my second opinion doctor until May 2nd. I can't wait that long. I'll have to call the neurologist to move up my appointment after I see the ENT on Friday. Somebody better tell me something. The ENT will probably refer me to a neurologist, which I have already.

I'm so tired of this bullshit. I wish it was over. I can see how people get depressed. I'm starting to get very anxious and irritable. I don't feel like doing anything, and I'm sleeping in more and more. Once I get a better idea of what I'm dealing with, I may have to call an attorney regarding additional social security benefits or go to the social security department. 

I guess I'll try and get some sleep now. 

Peace- Queen B 

Sketches of a Bipolar Girl: Just Breathe

Well, it's 1:23 am. I've been up for 2.5 hours. I took a cat nap before going to bed, so I guess that's why I up. Plus, my friend back pain is here to visit. I took my pills and put the gel on my back before bed, but it didn't help. I came out to put some heat on it, but that didn't help either. So, I sat at my desk for a while because I have a back support pillow on my desk chair. While, I was sitting here, I thought I would attempt to write a little something. 

I have done nothing but housework for the past few days. I'm so incredibly bored. I haven't had any dizzy spells in the past few days, so that's good I guess. I got the results of my MRI. Seems I have some age related brain changes. There are some gaps. I also have a type 1 neurovascular compression of the anterior inferior cerebellum artery. It sounds worse than it is from what i looked up about it. I haven't heard from the doctor yet. I just saw the report and looked up the information. 

It is treatable. I may be put on an antiseizure medication or I can have a small surgical correction. I just got of Depakote a few months ago. I don't want any more psych meds. If have a choice I'll take the surgery. From what I read, the surgeon will make a small incision behind my ear and separate the nerve and artery. That will relieve the pressure that is causing the vertigo. I only have to take about 2 weeks off work for it. Sounds like a plan to me. 

Although I don't need another surgery, I would rather not become a zombie on another psych med that's going to make me drowsy. April and Erica won't be to happy, but I can't please everyone. I wish my mom was here. I wish my dad was here too. I know I can still talk to them about it, and they probably are looking down on me, but it's not the same. I need some hugs. 

I'm getting a steroid injection on Friday for my back pain. It will be a shot in my sacrum. The doctor said  may need surgery for that as well. My sacrum is unstable, hence the pain. He said he can put 2 screws in my sacrum to stabilize it and relieve the pain. It will be nice to sit down without pain. 

Oh well, I guess that's all. Except I'm broke, again. Just when I figured out my budget, I've got no money coming in at this time because my STD claim is still in review. I have my car insurance to pay next week. I get my disability check on Friday, so I can pay the rent. But, I have no money for food, or electricity or my phone. I also have medical copays, and credit card debt. I swear, I really dislike my body right now. If it's not one thing it's another. 

One good thing happening is I got accepted to Georgia Southern University to complete my BA in English. I've decided to get a degree in a subject I loved in high school. I can use it, but really I love reading and writing so I think I will do well. 

That's all for real. Peace, Joy, Love - Queen B  

Sketches of a Bipolar Girl: Conversations with God

 

It's 2 am on a Saturday morning. Am I just getting home? Hell no, I've been home all day. I don't go out at night anyway. I don't know anyone to go out with. I'm up because of my back pain again. I'm so tired of this shit. I was up very early Friday. I had a 7:30 am physical therapy appointment. I have no idea what I was thinking when I made that appointment. 

The therapist did the Epley on me 4 times. It worked pretty well. I didn't get dizzy until the afternoon. Mostly, I put heat on my back trying to stop it from screaming at me. I think I use the heating pad around 10 times a day. 15 minutes on and 45 min off. It's all beginning to get to me. 

I've been saying little prayers all day for the past week. I'm trying to remain positive and not think that a disaster is headed my way. I think that God is testing my faith. He's trying to see if I can remain strong and steadfast. That's a conversation I have with him a lot. Sometimes, I get so frustrated with Him and the way my life is going. However, I know that on the other side of these storms is peace. Besides, He didn't promise us joy in this life, but in the next. 

That's not to say that I haven't experienced joy. I definitely have even this year. I am so thankful that my mind has returned to normal. However, I do have a bit of trouble being grateful about the current state of my health. I was thinking the other day that if I were to fill out a questionnaire about my health, I would have to say poor. 

I came across a quote the other day; I asked God why He led me into these troubled waters, He replied because your enemies can't swim. 

I thought that  was rather deep, and I took it to heart. I have to keep thinking that way, or I will end up drowning. I have to remember that I am not going through this alone. God is by my side. So, whatever the outcome, I must follow God's plan and life my life as a testimony of His love. 

Sometimes, I wish I was more religious. I am definitely very spiritual, but not overly religious. I prefer to keep to myself most of the time when it comes to prayer. I don't know passages of Scripture by heart, and I'm not a what I call a bible thumper. I can explain my faith and my choice to become catholic, but I'm not going to bang anyone on the head about it. 

I usually have my conversations in the wee hours. Sometimes, He has me write like I am now. Sometimes, He has me pray. Other times it's just quiet time. I ask questions. The hard part of talking with God, is that He doesn't get back to you right away. It's not like you can call or text. God takes His time getting back to me. Most of the time, my answers come in lessons learned and sometimes the lessons are hard. Like now, I ask why this is happening to me. The answer; why not me? 

Next week is the beginning of Lent. I am giving up my Amazon habit. That's right ladies and gentlemen. I'm not buying anything from Amazon for 40 days. If you know me, you know how much I love to shop, especially on Amazon. I call it BezosMart. 

I was going to give up watching Everybody Loves Raymond. But not shopping on Amazon is more of a challenge and something that I need to address. I spend at least $300 a month on Amazon. Now that I am more cognizant of my finances, that's money I need to set aside for savings. I also have a couple of bills that I just added. I bought a life insurance policy which is $41.80/month and I am pre-paying my cremation expenses which is $62.77/month. 

I know that all sounds morbid, but I want everything to be in place. Especially with all that's going on right now. Now, I just have to get my will together. Well, I guess that's it for now. I need to pray a little more. God's usually up this time of the morning. 

Peace, Joy, Love - Queen B   

Sketches of a Bipolar Girl: Who Are You Trying to Convince?

 

Today, February 26th, is the 5th anniversary of my mother's death. I've been thinking about this day for a few weeks. I was trying to determine if the day was going to get me down, or would I choose to deal with it in a healthy way. I decided that today was going to be a good day. It went okay. I didn't collapse in a heap of depression and tears. I didn't pity myself. 

What I did was post a little tribute to my mom on my Facebook page. I posted the formal picture of her. The one where she looks so beautiful. It got a lot of responses. Some people even said that I look like her. I only wish that was true. My mom in her heyday was quite a beautiful woman. 

I wish she was here so I could call her about my visit with the neurologist. He wants me to have an MRI of my brain as soon as possible and follow up with him next Friday. He is concerned, but can't make any determination if my dizzy spells are truly vertigo from BPPV or something more. So naturally, I am thinking the worst. I try to remain positive, but there is just so much going on with me. 

My back is acting up again. I have been up for several nights, including tonight with severe back pain. I'm taking Advil dual action, but I've got electricity going down my right leg and it feels like I'm sitting on rocks. It looks like another round of steroid injections. I really don't want to because it raises my blood sugar so much, but I can't live with this pain. I see the doctor on March 5th. Between the vertigo and my back, I'm sometimes ready to call it a day. 

I have physical therapy on Friday morning and 4 days next week. I rescheduled my dental appointments until later in March. I've got to get these 2 issues solved before dealing with my teeth. I mean if it turns out I have a brain tumor, I don't think I'll care too much about the gap in my teeth. 

Like I said, I am trying to remain positive, and I'm doing pretty well I think. But then again, I can't keep my mind from going down familiar pathways of thinking. Someone told me that faith and fear cannot coexist. You're either afraid or you have faith that everything will work out in your favor. So, I guess I'm letting fear win right now. I need to pray more so I can strengthen my faith. 

But then my mind starts spinning again. Who am I trying to convince anyway? Anyone who will listen quick frankly. But mostly, I'm trying to convince myself. 

That's all 

Peace, Joy, Love 

Queen B