It's 2 am on a Saturday morning. Am I just getting home? Hell no, I've been home all day. I don't go out at night anyway. I don't know anyone to go out with. I'm up because of my back pain again. I'm so tired of this shit. I was up very early Friday. I had a 7:30 am physical therapy appointment. I have no idea what I was thinking when I made that appointment.
The therapist did the Epley on me 4 times. It worked pretty well. I didn't get dizzy until the afternoon. Mostly, I put heat on my back trying to stop it from screaming at me. I think I use the heating pad around 10 times a day. 15 minutes on and 45 min off. It's all beginning to get to me.
I've been saying little prayers all day for the past week. I'm trying to remain positive and not think that a disaster is headed my way. I think that God is testing my faith. He's trying to see if I can remain strong and steadfast. That's a conversation I have with him a lot. Sometimes, I get so frustrated with Him and the way my life is going. However, I know that on the other side of these storms is peace. Besides, He didn't promise us joy in this life, but in the next.
That's not to say that I haven't experienced joy. I definitely have even this year. I am so thankful that my mind has returned to normal. However, I do have a bit of trouble being grateful about the current state of my health. I was thinking the other day that if I were to fill out a questionnaire about my health, I would have to say poor.
I came across a quote the other day; I asked God why He led me into these troubled waters, He replied because your enemies can't swim.
I thought that was rather deep, and I took it to heart. I have to keep thinking that way, or I will end up drowning. I have to remember that I am not going through this alone. God is by my side. So, whatever the outcome, I must follow God's plan and life my life as a testimony of His love.
Sometimes, I wish I was more religious. I am definitely very spiritual, but not overly religious. I prefer to keep to myself most of the time when it comes to prayer. I don't know passages of Scripture by heart, and I'm not a what I call a bible thumper. I can explain my faith and my choice to become catholic, but I'm not going to bang anyone on the head about it.
I usually have my conversations in the wee hours. Sometimes, He has me write like I am now. Sometimes, He has me pray. Other times it's just quiet time. I ask questions. The hard part of talking with God, is that He doesn't get back to you right away. It's not like you can call or text. God takes His time getting back to me. Most of the time, my answers come in lessons learned and sometimes the lessons are hard. Like now, I ask why this is happening to me. The answer; why not me?
Next week is the beginning of Lent. I am giving up my Amazon habit. That's right ladies and gentlemen. I'm not buying anything from Amazon for 40 days. If you know me, you know how much I love to shop, especially on Amazon. I call it BezosMart.
I was going to give up watching Everybody Loves Raymond. But not shopping on Amazon is more of a challenge and something that I need to address. I spend at least $300 a month on Amazon. Now that I am more cognizant of my finances, that's money I need to set aside for savings. I also have a couple of bills that I just added. I bought a life insurance policy which is $41.80/month and I am pre-paying my cremation expenses which is $62.77/month.
I know that all sounds morbid, but I want everything to be in place. Especially with all that's going on right now. Now, I just have to get my will together. Well, I guess that's it for now. I need to pray a little more. God's usually up this time of the morning.
Peace, Joy, Love - Queen B
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