Yesterday was my first day of IOP (intensive outpatient therapy). It was good, but I was so exhausted that I could barely drive home. I've been used to getting up at 6:30 am for several weeks now. But yesterday, it was harder than hell. I managed to get some breakfast and make the 30 minute drive there. It's a nice hospital, clean and bright. However, a psych hospital is still a psych hospital. Everything made of plastic, and steel toilets, cameras everywhere. I don't mind, it's not like I ever do anything against the rules. I am the quintessential good girl after all.
Today, however, I just could not do it. I called out. It's only my second day, but I felt so sick. I just needed to sleep some more. I have to get into a routine of taking my meds at 8 pm so I can fall asleep by 10. Last night I stayed up late watching TV. I guess I should only watch an hour of TV before bed, and do some meditation to wind down. In the center, I used to fall asleep by picturing a meadow by the stream with a golden sunset in the background. It was easy to do because things were pretty quiet there most of the time. But now that I'm home, I just can't seem to do it. Too much street noise. We live by a busy road, and I can hear the cars speeding by along with the occasional siren. Back to reality.
I've been trying to get in contact with my psychiatrist, but she is off on vacation I guess. In the meantime, I am almost out of Cymbalta, and I'm not scheduled to see her until the 20th of July. I'm dumping her ass. I talked to her 2 days before my overdose, and told her I wasn't feeling good and needed a med adjustment. She told me to wait. 3 days later, I took the pills. I'm going to look up a new doctor on Headway today. see if I can get a appointment for this weekend.
My short term disability hasn't been approved yet. They need additional information. I also need to get an extension I think. I had requested time off until the 28th of June, but that's only 2 weeks away. Maybe I ought to resign and look for another job. I don't know what to do. I have a lot of things to decide. I'm thinking about declaring bankruptcy. I have about 15k in debt that I have no chance of paying off. Maybe, if they don't fire me, I'll stay with Delta Dental. It's a great company, I'm just not a contributing employee.
I'm going to confession this evening, I hope. I haven't been to confession since November. I have to confess my suicide attempt. There are other things like masturbation, missing mass, and cursing, also those stupid affairs I had. Speaking of which, some dickhead texted me, "Hello beautiful, let's do lunch." I have no idea who it is. I didn't answer. Then someone else wanted to know if I could come over. I had no clue and ignored that one too. I guess I'm just going to hold out for someone real. Men are basically stupid. There are some good ones that know who they are and what they want, but they are not easy to find. But like I said, having a man is not a priority.
My family is pretty much the same. April and Erica really don't talk to me much. They haven't asked me anything about the treatment center or how I feel. They did ask if I wanted to go to the movies with them tomorrow. I said I'd think about it, but I'm going to go. I have to start doing things with them if they ask me. If I refuse, I think it will reflect badly on me.
Well, I guess that's it for today. I feel better. I took a nice shower with my fragrant body wash and moisturized with my cherry blossom lotion. I smell quite nice. I also remembered to brush my teeth. I changed the linen on my bed and put fresh towels in my bathroom. I'm going to start auditioning for some roles since I have a little time off. It would be nice to get some more validation in my acting pursuits.
In the meantime, que sera, sera. I'll just go with the flow. Let it Be.
Peace, Joy, Love - B
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