Sketches of a Bipolar Girl: Finding Harmony

                                    

 In psychology, harmony refers to a positive state of inner peace, calmness, and balance, as well as the feeling of being in tune with the world.

My journey seeking harmony began on April 25th. I started spiraling downward at a frightening pace. I couldn't sleep at first, then slept all the time. I didn't eat or bathe. I didn't take care of myself at all. I was just a dirty lump of a woman curled up in my covers sleeping the days away. I kept think of my mom and dad, and how much I wanted to be with them. I was tired of trying to live a successful life. I had reached the end on the line. In most other depressions, I would see at least the tiniest speck of light. I would hear my mother's voice in the darkness calling me back from the brink. This time I heard nothing. I saw nothing. I was dead inside, so I thought I'd might as well be dead for real. 

I took the pills with the intention of sleeping and not waking up for a while. If it turned out I didn't wake up, then so be it. It was an off the wall attempt at suicide, but an attempt nonetheless I must confess. Truth is, I like sleeping out of all human activities. I can put my head down into my pillow and pull the covers up and feel safe from the world. The world has always been a harsh place for me, and I was exhausted trying to manage life on my own. All the stress, chaos and my job, which I now admit I hate made me so incredibly tired that I couldn't even hold my head up at times. At the end, I couldn't hold it up at all. So, I tried to end all the pain, shame, guilt and agonizing longing with 16 sleeping pills and sixteen sedatives. Had I taken them all at once, I'd surely be dead, but I took them over a 12 hour period, so I wouldn't throw up. 

Finally, I decided a few days after surviving that I needed help. I called a place called Harmony Hills in Florida. I told them my story, and they told me to go to my local emergency room. So, I did. I went to the emergency room and told them what I did. An overnight stay, and 15 vials of blood later, I was medically cleared to go inpatient, but the sent me to a local psych ward because I was considered a danger to myself. I didn't mind, the hospital was nice and clean, plus I got a room to myself. I was there for 9 days, from May 3rd to May 12th. I was discharged to my home. Once I got there, I called Florida again, and they booked me a flight for the 16th. 

I was in Harmony hills from May 16th to June 12th, in all 27 days. I am glad I went. My head was still so screwed up when I got there, and my depression was still deep. The only thing they ask is that you follow some easy rules, go  to groups and participate. At first, I didn't take part much, but gradually I found my voice. It had been almost nonexistent. The question I went there with and asked myself every morning was "Do you want to die?"

I'll admit now, that the first couple of weeks, I answered "yes". I did still want to die. But gradually, as I learned about myself, I became unsure and finally became "no, I don't want to die". Problem was, I wasn't sure how to live. I am still trying to find my purpose. I did keep a detailed journal of my feelings every day of my stay. I wrote my future self a letter. One of our groups was about our dreams and aspirations that we want to accomplish in 10 years. 

I said that I wanted to be a successful, working actress. That is my goal. It's the only thing I want to do. I decided to place all my energies into making that dream come true. Of course, I know I have other goals as well. I'd like to get on my feet financially. I'd like to get involved with some groups where I can make some friends. I'd like to have a significant other, but that goal is not a requirement. lol. 

Have I achieved harmony? Not yet, but I believe I have laid the foundation. I start my IOP tomorrow. It runs 7 days a week from 9-12 pm. I hope I get something out of it. I will keep my head up, and pay attention to the signs. I will be okay. I will be well. One second, one minute, one hour, one day at a time. Peace, Joy, Love -B