I've been spinning for a week now. Up and down, mostly down. I stayed in bed all morning yesterday. I just slept, it felt good. The only reason I got up is because I had an appointment. It was a waste of time. I should have just cancelled it. It turns out that I am sucky at this job. I doubt if I could sell water to a man dying of thirst.
I saw my therapist yesterday. I cried. I cried out of frustration and grief. I have been missing my mom a lot this week. I try to talk to her, but I don't get the feeling she is with me. She is just gone. It doesn't seem fair.
Maybe there is no afterlife. Maybe you do just die and that's it. I have always thought of and believed in angels. But, if anyone is going to visit me, shouldn't it be my own mother? I don't know. Maybe it's me. Maybe, I have compartmentalized my mom's death. I've done it with a lot of things my brain couldn't handle. It will probably come out in some horrible nightmare or flashback when I'm not expecting it.
I can't think right now, I have to go. I need to quiet my mind. By the way, I finally got a pet of my own. It's a 12 week old black and white tuxedo kitten. I have named her Zelda Padme Nataleia. She is everything I ever wanted in a cat.
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