Dear Mom,
It was 6 months last Wednesday. 6 months without your voice, your hugs, your laughter to get me through the day. I was in bed all last week. I felt horrible. I experienced one of the worst periods in a long while. I bled all over the place, and the cramps were almost unbearable. I slept almost the entire time.
I think of you off and on. I don't think of you everyday. I wonder why that is. I've been compartmentalizing my feelings lately. I've just been putting thoughts and feelings in little boxes in my mind. I used to do that all the time, until one day they all came crashing down on my head. I have a box for you, a box about my money problems, a box for Tony.
Speaking of Tony, I don't think that I love him like I thought. I haven't heard from him in a week. I told him, via text of course, that I wanted to move forward in our relationship and actually talk on the phone or Zoom or anything. That was the last I heard from him. I got to thinking about it, and I was always the one initiating conversations. I decided not to chase him. He knows how to reach me if he wants to. So, in the meantime, I have decided to move it along.
I don't feel sad about it. To tell the truth, I don't feel anything about, just indifference. I opened myself up to him, and it seems he doesn't think enough of me to take what I have to give. I know I am a good person, and I deserve someone who want to be with me. So, I guess I just put him on a shelf with all the other disappointments of 2020.
My job is still a challenge of my self esteem. I made a sale last week, only to have it cancelled. So, I lost a $600 commision. I have to get a sale in order to pay for my car repairs. I must get it together and take no prisoners. I promised myself 2 years in this job, but I don't know if I'll make it. I just don't seem to have it in me. I was thinking of just getting a job at Amazon or something. I might get over that feeling, I don't know. I wish I had someone to talk to about it. I just feel so lost sometimes.
My birthday was good. I got flowers, and money. Of course, had I known then what I know now, I would have banked the money. My account is overdrawn again. I hate myself for that. I wish I knew what my problem is. I can't keep a dime in my pocket. I'm tired of being always broke.
Erica says she is moving into her own place in January. I don't know what April's plans are. I guess I better start planning something. Looks like low income housing for me. I guess I better start looking into it today. Now that you're gone, my greatest fear has become homelessness. I'll just be some sad sack living in my car.
Aunt Berta is in the hospital. She's been there since last Saturday. She has severe edema. They've drained about 1000cc of fluid from her lungs and belly. She said she is feeling better, but they still don't know what the problem is. I'll tell you, Mom, if she dies, I don't know what I'll do. I'm scared. I know if you were here, you'd be at the hospital everyday.
Well, I guess that's all for now. I wish I had some great news to tell you, but I don't. It's still me just plodding along through life one day at a time. I keep telling myself that I am a warrior, but I sometimes wonder if that's a lie. The feeling will probably pass. It usually does, and I'll feel good. Until then, I'll stay the course. Please look in on me from time to time. I miss you terribly and love you for all eternity.
B.
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