I was supposed to see my friend Don today. But, I had to take my mom out to the hairdresser and then grocery shopping. So, I called him and told him I couldn't make it. I think I hurt his feelings. Anyway, my mom changed her mind about going to the store, so I called him to see if he still wanted to get together. He said no, and he had made other arrangements. I asked him about tomorrow and he said he would let me know. I am now racked with guilt, and my gut is roiling with anxiety.
Feeling this way is an old pattern, and I'm not exactly sure what to do. I HATE when people are made or upset with me. It makes me feel so bad about myself, like I am a big fat disappointment. In my mind, I am still a little kid who desperate tries to get everyone to like me. I know it's not rational, but that is a pattern of thinking that I am working to change.
I am writing about it, so that takes care of journaling. I want to eat something. I guess I will take a walk to burn off my anxiety and get my exercise in for the day. That's the healthy coping skill I learned in the hospital. I don't know why I am fighting it so hard. I need to walk. I went on a diet the other day. I'm trying to get down to 160lbs. by this time next year. I'm currently a round 246 lbs. Gross isn't it? My body mass index is 44.6. Half of me is fat. I am trying to improve my self esteem, and it is a work in progress. I am hoping it will get better as I work toward my goals.
I met my goals for the week; sorting and filing my papers. Maybe after my walk I will go to Walmart and buy a scale. Not much of a reward I know, but I do need one. After that, I think I will take a nap. It's been a week since I got out of the hospital. I am feeling better. I am fighting to practice my coping skills, and not let the negative thoughts creep into my head. I better go before it starts raining again. Peace, Joy, Love - B
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