Sketches of a Bipolar Girl: Birthday Girl

On August 17th 1965, on a sunny Tuesday afternoon, a little girl was born.  I was delivered by scheduled C-section in a classy part of Philadelphia.  This itself was unusual. You see my parents were poor, but my father had a decent job with low pay but good benefits.  So, my mother saw a private doctor throughout her pregnancy.  My parents named me Beverly Ann.  I was a tiny baby, only weighing 5 lbs. 7 oz. at birth.  I myself think I could have cooked a couple of more weeks.
There are no formal pictures of me.  I was the baby of the family, so the formal pictures had to go by the wayside for the sake of food and utilities.  There are some snapshots of me, which I treasure because they show a happy little girl.
We celebrated birthdays at my nana and poppop's house.  They bought the gifts, and my nana made the cake.  I loved them so much.  Anytime my dad went there to work on the car or help poppop with something, I was right there.  I used to play with the string mops sometimes while my dad was in the garage.  I pretended it had hair. I braided it and put it in pigtails.  Nana didn't mind, as long as I put everything back when I was done.
Birthdays at grandmom's house were good too.  We moved out of Philly when I was 5.  My mom would make me a chocolate chip coffee cake.  It's still one of my favorites.  She doesn't cook as much as she used to, and that makes me sad.  My best birthday gift was a 1969 Mustang that my father got for me.  My brother took it without permission, as per usual, and wrecked it.  My brother used to give me gifts, but I could never be sure if it was stolen.  He was a horrible teenager.  He got his life together after serving time, I am so proud of him and love him to pieces.
This year, I will be 53.  I feel good about it now.  4 weeks ago it was a different story.  I made the 4th attempt at taking my life.  I had to go to the ER.  I got medical clearance and off to the mental hospital.  After a 19 day stay, and journaling 2 to 4 times a day, I finally got a very clear vision of myself.  I loathed myself to the point where this disease was killing me.  I slowly found out that some things about myself weren't too bad.  I began by speaking to people.  I shared my story, the good times and the darkest of days.  I shared about my hallucinations;  The Shadow People and the Dark Man.  I told the stories of my night terrors, and how people were trying to kill me.  All of it.  They all told me not to worry, and that my doctor would figure out which meds would work for me.  It was very soothing to hear those words. 
Normal people don't understand how a person can be tortured by her own mind.  I am still quite vigilant about my moods.  I journal to understand what my moods mean, and what is the root cause.  Why can't I just be happy and celebrate my birthday?  Well, when you have bipolar, you don't choose the mood.  It chooses you.  I could be perfectly content and then something triggers me and I wind up lost in a sandstorm of feelings not able to find my way out.  I can't calm down, I can't concentrate, words don't make sense.  At least, I journal about it now.  Before, I would take to my bed, pop a couple of pills and sleep.  That behavior is now verboten.  Now, I find something to do to clear my brain of negative thoughts and behavior patterns.  For example, I have discovered the adrenaline rush that exercise brings.  I walk for 30+ minutes a day, and some weight training.  This is a recent event, so I am still in baby steps, but it's working.
So, what will I do for my birthday this year?  I will meet this months goal of getting some work on my car.  It's part of my promise to myself to take better care of myself and my possessions.  I will have a nice meal with my family, and have some cake.  I will go to Mass and thank God for saving my ass once again.  Then, I will sleep a night feeling safe and loved.  I realize that my existence is worthy and will tell myself that I am beautiful, kind, loving, and I will keep saying it to the hateful mirror until I believe it.  Peace, Joy, Love - B