It's funny how the mind works, especially if one is bipolar. It can turn on you in an instant, no warnings, no symptoms. One moment, you feel good. The next moment you can barely move, cursing the universe for your very existence. Suddenly, you hear the voices in your head, telling you how worthless, stupid, ugly and grotesque you are. They are voices from long ago, reminding you they will never go away.
The trick is you must learn to turn them off. You must replace those old tapes with positive thoughts. You must constantly remind yourself that you are stronger, beautiful, smart and tough. Remind yourself that you have been here before and you made it through the flames. You held onto to God's hand, closed your eyes and walked passed the hordes of demons sent to destroy you.
In the end, you open your eyes and find yourself in a field of wildflowers, a gentle breeze caressing your skin. You are yourself, the person that lives in your soul. For the moment, you are free. Feel it, live it, love it, because the darkness will come again.
But, you know how to cope now, and maybe it won't last as long. You know how to love yourself now, and you like the way it feels. The next time the dark thoughts come, you will be strong and rebuke them. Maybe one day they will stop coming altogether. Then all will be well and so will you.
In the meantime, you must be vigilant, always on the lookout for that unexplained churning in your gut. Is the headache from a physical cause or a mental one. If one day you feel great, you must pay attention to the feelings in your body. Are you restless? Do you feel the need to clean everything in the house at 11 PM? Have you unconsciously spent your rent money on a new pair of shoes?
If that's the case, then your brain has sent you on the wacky, wild world of mania. Sometimes, mania can be dangerous, as it causes one to be uninhibited and do things without thinking. For some, mania is just a feeling of unmitigated joy.
The worst thing about being bipolar is you never know how you are going to feel. You can learn some of your triggers, but most of the time feelings come out of the blue. You then have to decide how you are going to cope. Will you stay in bed, or will you go for a walk. Your path to wellness is completely up to you. It may take years to find that peaceful place, but just keep pushing through. One day you will find that field of wildflowers and then you can just breathe. Peace, Joy, Love - B
No comments:
Post a Comment