Yesterday was 6 years. It's been 6 years since you left. You'd think I'd be normal by now, or at least not so emotional. But, I still mourn for her. I still think about calling her every morning. When things are going badly, I still want to feel her arms around me in one of her best hugs. They say that grieving comes in stages. But what they don't tell you, is that grieving is forever.
The death of a parent leaves a hole in your heart and it wounds your soul. You don't get over it, you simply learn to live without them. However, it's harder than you think. I think death affects each person differently. Some people seem to get over it, but then again. I must appear to be okay to some people but this week I was so discombobulated and off center.
I was late to work on Tuesday. I was just wiped out from lack of sleep. The pain is becoming quite the pain in the ass. I saw something on Facebook that says all my symptoms are due to parasites in my gut. The thought of it makes my skin crawl. There is a natural remedy of course, but it is not for people who have diabetes. Also, the side effects of the so-called cure are not pleasant.
However, I know I was also sad about my mom because of the nightmares I've been having. I also have not been practicing good hygiene. I've only had one shower this week. I'll take another one today. I've been having trouble getting up in the morning.
So, I've been without my mom for 6 years. I wish I could say that in spite of it, I'm doing well. But the fact is, we're not doing so great. I've been in such a bad financial situation, I've been forced to liquify part of my 401k. Today, April's car got repossessed, and I am awake now because Erica got food poisoning from her dinner. She's been puking all night. I've been told that things are going to hell right now because Mercury is in retrograde. I don't know if I believe in all that, but something is definitely happening in the world.
I'm feeling old right now. I'm tired.
Peace - B
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