So, I started smoking again. Actually, I've been smoking since October. I don't smoke much, just 5 or 6 a day. But I like it. I don't smoke everyday. I can't really afford to smoke regularly. I get my cigarettes at a little gas station in the next town over. I'm smoking Pall Mall Select menthol 100's. They cost about $5 a pack. Which is incredibly cheap. A pack of Marlboros costs about $10. I refuse to pay that much. So, I smoke the cheap stuff.
I can stop at any time. I just don't want to. The slow drag of the cigarette is something I enjoy. It satisfies my oral fixation. I also like the rush of the nicotine to my brain. The only thing I don't like about smoking is the smell. So, I keep the fabric freshener near by. I don't know if April and Erica suspect anything. They haven't said anything. I only smoke when no one is home, and when I walk the dog. So far, it's just my dirty little secret. I kind of like it that way.
I'm still drinking coffee, even though my psychiatrist says I should cut back. It increases my anxiety. But, I don't sleep much anymore. So, I require coffee in the morning. Lately, I've been drinking 2 cups a day. which is really not that bad. I try not to drink after 12 pm. Otherwise, sleep eludes me completely. I've had a lot of trouble with insomnia the past 2 months. I sleep maybe 4 hours. Then, I'm up around 2 or 3 am. Sometimes, I can get back to sleep, but most of the time I'm just up. Like tonight. I slept for a few hours, then I just woke up at 2. I fell asleep for another hour and half on the couch, but then I just woke up. I suppose if I try again, I could go back to sleep. But, I've just got a lot on my mind.
Money is my biggest worry. I got paid on Friday, and am now broke. I just can't make ends meet. I'm at a loss. I applied for some part time jobs, but never heard back. I don't want to quit my job, but if I don't get my promotion soon, I'm going to have to find something else. My benefits are great, which is the main reason.
Speaking of the job, I got a new shift starting at the end of January. I'll be working from 8:15 am to 7:15 pm, Monday through Thursday. I'll have a 3 day weekend every week. I am kind of on the fence about it. It's kind of a struggle to make it through an 8 hour day. Now, I'll have to push myself to do 10 hour days. Having Fridays off is good I guess, but we'll see. I liked those hours when I was younger. Now that I'm a cranky old lady, I don't know if it will work.
I'm gaining weight. I guess I've gained about 10 lbs. in the past few months. My favorite oversized clothes now fit like regular clothes and my underwear is getting tight. I don't like the feeling of being bound, so most of the time, I'm uncomfortable. I hate wearing a bra. I am now at the age where comfort is the most important aspect of my wardrobe choices. I really need to exercise, but the thought of it makes me ill. I should walk everyday, but most of the time it's just a fleeting thought. I meet with the dietician next month. Hopefully, she can help me put a plan together for me. I took Mounjaro for a few weeks. I lost 4 lbs. But, I think it makes me sick.
I've been having a lot of trouble with joint pain. It's been debilitating. I haven't had any trouble with it for about a week now. Which coincides with my not taking my shot this week. Maybe it triggers some type of auto-immune response that causes inflammation of my joints. Only my shoulders hurt now. Before, it was every joint in my body screaming at me. However, it may not be the Mounjaro. It might just be that I took about a weeks worth of prednisone, and popping naproxen everyday. I was supposed to see the doctor on the 30th, but I couldn't get the time off from work, so I had to reschedule it.
I want to sleep with someone. Not in a sexual way, I just want to sleep with someone. I think if I could nestle in someone's arms for a while, I might actually get some rest. Of course, sex may enter the picture, but I'd have to do some work on that front. I don't get wet enough to have sex comfortably. The last time I had sex, I was bleeding for a week because my vaginal tissue is fragile. It tore. I think they make a pill for that. I don't think about sex very often anymore. I used to masturbate 3 times a week. Now, it's maybe twice a month. Sometimes, I can't even reach orgasm. Oh well, I guess I'll just be a cranky, dried up old lady with 10 cats.
I don't have many goals for 2026. I want to get an acting job or 2. Maybe, that can be my side hustle. If I could get a part that pays a couple of thousand, I could get out from under this debt. I feel really guilty. I feel a lot of shame also. I just can't seem to get a hold of my money. I guess that should be my main goal for the year. Save money. I need to desperately, because I want to visit MJ next spring. I would also like to have a family gathering in Washington DC. That takes money. I also want to go on a church tour of Italy. I don't know if there will be one this year, but either way, I want to go. Maybe, I'll find a tour on my own. That's about $2k. I still have to get my passport. Money, money, money. Everything cost so fucking much. I can't stand it.
Oh well, I need another cigarette. I'll be time for coffee in an hour.
Peace - B
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