Well, in 6 days it will be Christmas. I'm not ready. Well, materialistically I'm not ready. My finances are such that I don't have money for presents. I sent out Christmas cards, so I guess that's about it. I didn't get gifts for April, Erica or Sean. I had hoped to make cookies for some members of the family, but my body isn't cooperating.
I have been seized by a pain so intense as to send me back to the doctor. I had to miss work because I was in such pain. It's a deep, piercing pain in my joints. It hurts to move. I couldn't wash my hair because my shoulders hurt so bad. It hurt to hold things in my hands, which resulted in me dropping a lot of things last week. I went to the doctor this past Tuesday. I got a shot of prednisone, plus some prescriptions to help deal with the symptoms. The past 2 days have been okay, but I'm feeling my pain return. It comes in flares. There is no rhyme or reason to it. It has been happening 2 or 3 times a week for the past month. I figured it was just arthritis. I was popping Tylenol extra strength 4 times a day. Which is not good for my liver, but I couldn't take the pain.
The doctor think it may be a job for a rheumatologist. She requested my records from the rheumatologist I saw 3 weeks ago. I may have to have more blood work depending on what my records reveal. So, I guess I'll be spending the beginning of 2026 at the doctor again. Oh what joy!!
I've been waffling between feeling pretty well, and feeling overwhelmed with emotion. I am think a lot about the Christmases I had as a child, and all of the wonder and joy that came with it. I miss my grandmother's house and the holiday dinners and all of my cousins around. It came to me that I miss the feeling of Christmas. I wanted to try and recapture some of those feelings. That's why I wanted to send the cookies out, but physically, I'm just not able to do it. It's very disappointing.
Christmas will be pretty quiet around here anyway. Erica is going to spend Christmas with her father in Jacksonville. I'm happy for her. After years of not speaking, she finally let him back into her life. They are much closer. David apologized for being a pretty crappy dad in her early life. They talk about those things with humor now. I don't think Erica is as haunted by some things anymore. Oh well, I'm just glad that she is having a relationship with her dad again. I would give almost anything to have another day with my dad.
It's his birthday this coming Sunday. He would have been 90 years old this year. I am planning on having a family Zoom meeting with my mom's side of the family. I will watch one of my dad's movies for his honor. I really miss him this year.
I really want my family in close proximity again. I'm tired of being scattered. I need someone close by to escape to whenever I start longing for those feelings of safety I had as a child. I guess I need some more therapy to deal with these feelings. I still see my therapist once a week. I see the psychiatrist on Saturday. It's just a med check. I guess I'm doing okay mentally. I feel a little hopeless at times, but that's nothing a cool million wouldn't solve.
The Powerball is up to 1.5 billion. I want to win it. I have a lot of plans for it. I keep praying about it. But, all things in God's time, right? If it is His will that I should become a multi-millionaire then so be it. In the meantime, I am thankful for all that I do have. I'll admit it though, it's not enough. I'm still struggling financially. I am months behind on bills. I have to pay my electric bill today or it will be disconnected. I'm tired of deciding what to spend my $25 on, be it gas or food. With the new year coming up, I'll have to satisfy another deductible and pay for some prescriptions. I set aside $700 in my FSA at work, but that will go quickly. Let's just say, I'm tired of robbing Peter and Paul to pay Tom. It's not working anymore.
But, still, I'm trying to maintain a positive attitude. Depression is so tiresome. I really don't want to spend anymore time in the rabbit hole. Besides, it gets me no where. So, I will put on my Christmas music and dance around the house with my cat. I'll try to enjoy Christmas eve and Christmas Day. I'm going to the 3 pm Mass on Christmas eve. I think April and I will be watching a lot of TV. Who knows? I plan to sleep a lot, catch up on my sleep.
By the way, my grades are in from school. I got a solid B in both classes. Hooray for me!!! So, I guess this is Merry Christmas to you. Thank you for reading my blog. I hope you get something out of it. It's just a collection of random thoughts from a rather disturbed person. Not as disturbed as in the past, but still..
Peace Joy Love - B
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