Sketches of a Bipolar Girl: Mom

Today is my mom's birthday.  She would have been 80 years old.  She died on February 26, 2020 of pancreatic cancer.  It took her quickly.  She was diagnosed on New Year's Day.  I was devastated when I learned of the diagnosis.  But her death was kind of a relief.
You see, my mom and I had a very intense connection.  I spent most of my life living in fear of her death.  My mom was a paranoid schizophrenic, who had attempted suicide 3 times when I was growing up.  I walked around in a constant state of anxiety until the day she died.
It's weird I know, but now that my greatest fear has been realized, the knot in my stomach has loosened.  I miss her terribly.  The first week, I woke up every day and reached for the phone to call her.  When I realized she wasn't there, my heart broke again and again.
Now, when I think of her, I smile.  I remember her laughter, her smile, the little things that she would say when we talked.  I remember how she used to talk me down from a panic attack.  I remember all the times she came to the hospital to visit me when I was inpatient.
She never gave up on me. She always told me that I was beautiful, smart, and a good person.  She loved me when I couldn't love myself.  I have fallen so many times, and it was my mom who encouraged me to trust God, and get back up.  Sometimes, she would just look at me, and ask me if I needed a hug.  I would fall into her arms and she'd hold me tight.  It always felt like she was putting my broken pieces back together.
I remember our family tradition of waffles on Sunday morning.  We still do that to this day. 
My mom loved hard. She was devoted to her family.  When she and my dad got divorced, she never remarried.  She didn't want anyone else.  So, she just concentrated on us kids, and her siblings. Her love never waivered, unless you did something unforgivable.  But, if you knew my mom, you couldn't hurt her.  She just had such a big heart. 
Heaven has her now.  She is dancing and singing with the Lord.  I can't be mad at that.  I'm not angry at her for dying.  I now have to rely on the things that she taught me, in order to look after myself.  So, far things are going pretty well.  I have a new job, and I met someone I really, really like.  I talk to her a lot, and I know she's happy for me.  There  are times when I wish I could see her in person, but I know she is always there, watching me.
I just want to make her proud.  I love you Mommy, now and forever!!!!

Peace, Joy, Love - B