Sketches of a Bipolar Girl: Letter to My Mom

Dear Mom,

It's been seven weeks and one day since you left the physical world.  How can I explain the incredible vacuum that is in my life right now?  I have spoken to you on so many occasions and imagined our conversations, but it is not enough.  I want you here, next to me, on the phone, wherever, but here in my world.
Sometimes, when I think of you it brings joy to me. Other times, your memory brings a sadness that's almost too much to bear.  It happens all the time.  I could be watching TV, or eating something, or even driving in my car.  Then suddenly, your face flashes before me, and I remember that you're gone.
I have never asked why.  I never questioned God for taking you away.  I prayed that if He did not heal you, to take you quickly.  So, He did.  There was still a trace of the little child in me, that hoped you would live forever, so I would never have to go through this.  But, I realize that was selfish, and impossible.  So, I had to let you go.
Things in the world are so crazy right now, that we haven't been able to say a proper goodbye.  Your celebration has been postponed until further notice. So, the family is in limbo, at least I am.  I am moving on with life despite my feelings.  We had your birthday party, as you know since you showed up and flickered the candle.  I hope you liked it.
I think you would be proud of me for the way I'm handling things.  I have not fallen into a deep, dark pit of despair that everyone was worried about.  I got a job at American Income as a benefits representative.  Basically, I speak to people about the benefits their group has set up for them and see if they qualify for more.  I know it sounds like I'm just an insurance salesman, but it's much more than that.  I help people evaluate their lives and point out the gaps in insurance that would leave their families in deep financial distress.
Also, you know about Tony.  Oh my gosh mom, he is so wonderful, and funny, sweet, charming, smart and supportive.  I told him all about my condition, and he didn't bat an eyelash.  Instead, he disclosed his own battle with depression.  How great is that?  Anyway, we are totally connected.  I haven't actually met him in person yet, since we started talking during the lockdown.  But, mom, I really like him, and I think you would have too.
I've really been thinking of going back to church regularly.  The world is just so crazy, I need some to anchor me.  I have gotten closer to God, but I haven't attended a worship service, not even virtually.  I don't know why.  I know it would do me good, but it's like "no, you can't!"  It's a matter of the scientific part of my brain talking to my soul.  So far, my brain is winning.  I can't find a televised worship service here that is Scripture driven.  It just seems like a bunch of shouting to me, or televangelists asking for money.  I have to admit, I didn't check out Saint Monica's yet for virtual services yet, so I guess I'm just making excuses for my laziness.  I promise to check it out.
Well Mommy, I guess that's all for now.  It feels really good to talk to you and let you know how I'm feeling and what's going on.  I wish I could print this out and mail it to you.  I suppose I could tie it to a balloon and send it upwards, but then there's the whole environmental impact to worry about, and powerlines and such.  So, I'll just send it to you by brain waves.  Please know how much I love you and miss you.  You are my heartbeat
Love, B