Well, here we go again. I'm adrift in a sea of emotions. I don't know whether to go ahead and sink, or try to swim my way to shore. I'm kind of tempted to sink. I'm tired again. I'm tired of trying to remain positive and keep going. It's all the same. Every day is the same. I have no variety, nothing special going on in my life. I know it sounds like bitching and moaning, and I shouldn't do it. But, every once in a while, I need to let my guard down and just feel my feelings. Right now, I feel like going to bed for a month.
Today wasn't especially bad. It has been quite ordinary. I woke up, and started to get ready for work. But then, after I got out of the shower, I thought why bother? My being there isn't going to make a big difference to anyone. In fact, my being around makes no difference at all. So I called out. I kind of regretted it for about a minute. I realize that I am sabotaging myself, but that's nothing new. That's what I do.
It's a shame really. I was very excited about this job. But, it turns out, I'm not that good at it. My quality scores suck, and I can't keep up with the number of calls I get. The only thing I have going for me is that I'm a very nice person to talk to on the phone. I guess that's why they keep me around for the time being. But, soon that will end. I suppose I need to take a hard look at myself and figure out what I want to do with the rest of my life, such that it is.
I've been thinking a lot about my mom and dad lately. I want to be with them and talk with them. I want a hug from my mom and a hug from my dad. I want to talk to my grandparents. I want their advice. I recently started buying Constant Comment tea. It was my Grandmom's favorite. Every time I have a cup, I think of her. If only I had a piece of my Mom's orange cake to go with it, everything would be perfect.
Why am I feeling so melancholy? I don't know. I always feel cozy in the fall, but not this year. This has been another bad year. So much stress and too many problems. We finally caught up on the rent, but I'm so behind on everything else, my money problems could only be solved by some kind of financial windfall. So, I'm under the gun. As is my habit, instead of rallying to fight the good fight, I shut down and pretend everything will be fine.
Right now, I have a headache and my feet hurt. That's all just a psychosomatic reaction to stress. I also started eating my anxiety. I can't seem to stop shoving things into my mouth. I'm eating bread, crackers, toast and anything that's edible.
I've puttered around the house, smoked too much and watched empty TV. I don't know what to do with myself. I've painted my nails every other day. I did finally make an appointment with my new therapist. I see her on the 9th. I just feel like a nothing. I thought these feelings were finally in my past. I'm tired, so tired.
I want to sleep forever.
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