The song by TLC is called "What About Your Friends?" It raises some interesting questions. I mean, you think you have true friends. Friends that are "ride or die" for you. But, the reality is, once things get really hard, your so-called friends are no where to be found. Then, somehow, you became the bad one, or the crazy one. Somehow, it became all about them, and it's all your fault.
I've had these friends. One minute they were there, and the next, I can't find them. I must admit, I'm not the easiest person to be friends with I suppose. But then again, I have reason to be. I learned very early in life, that people were to not to be trusted. I can't tell you how many times I've been laughing and sharing secrets, to then find out the person I trusted was talking about me behind my back. I guess that's why I'm a relatively quiet person now. I don't hide anything when asked, but I don't volunteer information readily, if that makes sense.
Being mentally ill, I've faced stigmas amongst my friends. When I share, I get sideways glances. One really good friend of mine told me she is scared of my illness. Oh, and I'm not? I'm always looking over my shoulder waiting for the next trauma. It's called anxiety. I've learned to control it, but it's always there. I find myself actively trying not to be too happy, because I know something will fall on my head, and I'll be back in bed for a few days.
As an empath, I also absorb the vibrations of those around me. When things are tense or angry or even happy, I feel it. I can't live in a situation that is stressful to other people. It bounces off of them and I feel the energy. I can't help it. I've been that way my entire life. I remember even as a very small child feeling this.
I can tell you this much, I hate it. While being an empath does make you sympathetic, it can also make you sick to your stomach. So, if you are an empath and your friend is not, what happens? I'll tell you. It makes you angry, sick, anxious, and extremely tired. There are times I just can't be around people because I'm just too exhausted to try and reflect their energy. So, I just go to my room, turn on some mind numbing TV show and vegetate for a while until I fall asleep.
Whenever, Erica is in a mood, I can't be around her. She, as you know, does not talk to me about most things in her life. I know it sounds weird, but I want to help her. I want her to bounce things off me, because I think I can help. But, apparently, she doesn't feel that way. I, however, am still absorbing the vast amount of negative vibrations she is putting out there in the universe. So, here I am, nervously cleaning the house and doing laundry in order for me to burn off my anxiety.
Do I personally have any close friends? Nope, it's not that I haven't tried. The girls I work with are just that, girls. I have nothing in common with them except a love of animals. Plus, I'm at the front desk all day, so I don't hear much of the gossip that goes around the office.
I've joined a snail mail pen pal club, so I'm hoping to write my way into some friendships. I've given up on men for the time being because their idea of friendship always comes back to sex. I'm not into it.
So, what about your friends? Do they stay around or will they let you down again? I don't know. In my experience, they will let you down. I suppose I should work on that, as this is supposed to be the year of attraction. But, today, I'm going to enjoy the silence. No one is home but me and the cats, and the clothes dryer is humming its soothing tune. I think I'll make another cup of coffee and sit on the porch.
Peace, Joy, Love - B
No comments:
Post a Comment