Sketches of a Bipolar Girl: Goodbye Adele

 

Dear Adele, 

We used to call you Del. At one time you were my friend, but that was a very brief time and probably you were being fake. Why am I writing you after 40 years? Why should I write to you after everything you've put me through back then? It's precisely because of your terrorizing I'm writing to you. I wanted to finally tell you what I think of you and say goodbye forever. I'm also putting the feelings I have for you aside and get over my mistrust of strangers, which you caused. 

I was 5 years old when we moved to Ambler. I was lonely and scarred and only had my cousins to play with at the time. I was introduced to a little girl up the street named Charletta. We became fast friends. Was that why you hated me so? I took your best friend away? At any rate, you succeeded in turning the other neighborhood kids away from me by spreading lies that I was talking about them. You expertly played the whole he said, she said game. How could I win? I didn't know how to play the game. 

I went and found another friend named Peggy. She was a white girl from up the street. You said that I acted like a white girl, and thought I was better that everyone else. More lies were spread. Eventually, I stopped going out to play with anyone. I stayed in my own back yard and played with my toys. 

Going to school became a daily exercise in terror. You and your crew were always waiting for me to get off the bus and begin my walk home where you would walk behind me calling me names. I started stopping by the bank where my mom worked on my way home, so you would leave me alone and my mom would make sure I was safe. 

Then came the day you told everyone you were going to kick my ass. I was convinced that you were going to kill me. I got off the bus and ran to the bank, but my mom was not there. My sister came and walked me home all the while you and a crowd of kids taunted and teased me the whole way home. My mom eventually told your mom what had been going on all those months and in the end it was you who got the ass whipping. You were also told to stay away from me, and grounded for a month. 

I don't know for sure, but it is my feeling that ass whippings were a regular thing for you. However, that's not my problem. The unhappiness you felt in your life did not give you the right to terrorize me to the point those scars still show. I grew up thinking that everyone was false and a predator. It's because of what you did I had a hard time trusting people. But, I'm here to tell you that I am through with feeling that way. I release you and your terror from my mind. Do I forgive you? Yes, I do. I forgive you in order to move on and practice love and compassion for my fellow humans. 

So Del, goodbye. I hope life was kind to you. - B

Sketches of a Bipolar Girl: Notes from the Inside

 

I got a weird Christmas gift to myself. 7 days in possibly the worst mental hospital in which I've ever been. I've been feeling pretty wonky the last couple of months and it all came to a head on December 7th. I felt like I was losing control and actually had thoughts of suicide. I had no plans, of course. In fact, I had previously made plans and goals for 2023 only a few weeks before my ideation. 

Unfortunately, I got very overwhelmed by life and started having panic attacks. I stopped sleeping, and spent most of my days cleaning house. It's the only thing that relaxes me. Well, I don't know if relax is the right word. I suppose I mean to say it burns off my manic energy. However, on Tuesday the 13th, I went to the grocery store near our house, and as I was waiting to pull out of the parking lot I just started wondering what would happen if I just drove out into the middle of traffic and let someone hit me. I shook it off immediately, but still the intrusive thoughts wouldn't stop. 

I called my psychiatrist whom I had just seen the Thursday before, and explained what was going on with me. I was told that the doctor wasn't available but she would get back to me. That never happened. I called my new therapist, Leslie, who is fabulous by the way. She told me to go to the ER because I was in crisis. So, after some convincing, I went to my local ER. They recommended I voluntarily commit myself or they would do it. I wanted a hospital close by, so I picked a hospital called Lakeview Behavioral Health Hospital. 

From the moment I got there, I knew it was a mistake. It was a dark, gloomy, cheerless place with all the decoration and approachability of a prison. I had to wait for 6 hours to be admitted, and was then admitted to the acute adult unit, which is for people over 50. It was horrible. The rooms are semi-private and I was pair with a racist, homophobic "Karen". Her sense of entitlement was not to be believed. She was a mean, small minded, bitter woman who was convinced everyone was against her, by the time she left, we all were. 

The food was unrecognizable, greasy and nauseating. Several people got sick with vomiting, and diarrhea from the food. Most of the time, the vegetables were so overcooked, you couldn't tell what vegetable it was. There were several diabetics in the ward, but we didn't get a special diet. I had to kind of guess what was safe to eat. 

Finally, on the 21st, they let me go. My medication was adjusted, I'm now on 6 psych meds. They added Vistaril to my meds. So, now I'm on 2 antipsychotics. Woohoo! 

Being home the past few days has been kind of weird. I'm back to only sleeping a few hours a night. I was sleeping fine in the hospital, even though the bed was like sleeping on a slab of concrete. My back is now shrieking with pain. Sometimes, I can't walk completely upright. If I try to walk normally, it feels like I'm going to snap right in half. I was supposed to have an appointment with a back specialist on the 19th, but obviously didn't make it. Now, I have to wait until January. I was hoping to see him before the year was out because I've met my out of pocket for my health insurance. 

I made my mom's Christmas cookies today. They're not as nice looking as last year because I was rushed. Leslie wanted a picture, but I didn't take any. I made with them as love as I could muster, but I didn't feel my mom with me this time. Plus, I was tired. I've been up since 2:30 am this morning. 

I'm seeing another therapist too. She's going to see me 3 times a week for more intensive treatment. We talked yesterday for over an hour. I think she's going to be a really good fit. 

I was denied FMLA at work because I haven't been there that long. But, I an ADA leave request in motion now. In the meantime, I have no money, and we're behind on rent again. As soon as I'm done here, I'm going to have to go make a request from St. Vincent de Paul for the second time. 

I'm not going to midnight mass of Christmas services. I masturbated last week, and gossiped. I didn't get a chance to go to confession so I can take communion. It's going to be so crowded, I'd probably have an anxiety or panic attack. So, I guess that's it then. That's what's been going on, but I'm holding on to my faith. I don't know if I'll have a job to go back to, so I'm looking for something new. I want to get back to veterinary reception, but only for a company that gives good benefits and will pay me well. 

Merry Christmas

Peace, Joy, Love - B

Sketches of a Bipolar Girl: That Old Familiar Feeling

 

Well, here we go again. I'm adrift in a sea of emotions. I don't know whether to go ahead and sink, or try to swim my way to shore. I'm kind of tempted to sink. I'm tired again. I'm tired of trying to remain positive and keep going. It's all the same. Every day is the same. I have no variety, nothing special going on in my life. I know it sounds like bitching and moaning, and I shouldn't do it. But, every once in a while, I need to let my guard down and just feel my feelings. Right now, I feel like going to bed for a month. 

Today wasn't especially bad. It has been quite ordinary. I woke up, and started to get ready for work. But then, after I got out of the shower, I thought why bother? My being there isn't going to make a big difference to anyone. In fact, my being around makes no difference at all. So I called out. I kind of regretted it for about a minute. I realize that I am sabotaging myself, but that's nothing new. That's what I do. 

It's a shame really. I was very excited about this job. But, it turns out, I'm not that good at it. My quality scores suck, and I can't keep up with the number of calls I get. The only thing I have going for me is that I'm a very nice person to talk to on the phone. I guess that's why they keep me around for the time being. But, soon that will end. I suppose I need to take a hard look at myself and figure out what I want to do with the rest of my life, such that it is. 

I've been thinking a lot about my mom and dad lately. I want to be with them and talk with them. I want a hug from my mom and a hug from my dad. I want to talk to my grandparents. I want their advice. I recently started buying Constant Comment tea. It was my Grandmom's favorite. Every time I have a cup, I think of her. If only I had a piece of my Mom's orange cake to go with it, everything would be perfect. 

Why am I feeling so melancholy? I don't know. I always feel cozy in the fall, but not this year. This has been another bad year. So much stress and too many problems. We finally caught up on the rent, but I'm so behind on everything else, my money problems could only be solved by some kind of financial windfall. So, I'm under the gun. As is my habit, instead of rallying to fight the good fight, I shut down and pretend everything will be fine. 

Right now, I have a headache and my feet hurt. That's all just a psychosomatic reaction to stress. I also started eating my anxiety. I can't seem to stop shoving things into my mouth. I'm eating bread, crackers, toast and anything that's edible. 

I've puttered around the house, smoked too much and watched empty TV. I don't know what to do with myself. I've painted my nails every other day. I did finally make an appointment with my new therapist. I see her on the 9th. I just feel like a nothing. I thought these feelings were finally in my past. I'm tired, so tired. 

I want to sleep forever.  

Sketches of a Bipolar Girl: Get Back to Where You Once Belonged

 

So, my therapist, Kristy has disappeared. After multiple calls and texts, I have not heard back from her. I figure either she is taking a sabbatical or quit. I don't know. But, I believe you are supposed to notify your patients before you just vanish off the face of the earth. I am currently  seeking a new therapist. I thought this time, I would try a black woman. I've had white therapists my entire life. Two of them were men. That was awkward to say the least. 

I found a list of black therapist on the Psychology Today website. I saw one bio I like a lot, so I emailed her to check availability. One reason I am trying to get back into therapy is I'm feeling really stuck in my life right now. I don't feel like I'm moving forward, and I think I'm actually moving backwards. I've thought of suicide a couple of times in the past couple of weeks. I wasn't thinking of actually doing it, but the thought hasn't popped in my head in quite a long while so it concerns me. 

I was doling out my pills for the week and actually wondered what would happen if I just took the 30 or so Trazadone I had in the bottle. Of course, this was a week when I was severely lacking sleep, so I guess that had something to do with it. Also, the whole diabetic disaster and hospitalization didn't help. I was also depressed when I went in the hospital. 

Well, that's all gotten a lot better. I'm getting an insulin pump I think, so I won't have to inject myself anymore. I don't really mind it, it's just kind of distracting. Half the time, my blood sugar is too low anyway. I have to eat a mini candy bar every once in a while or grab some orange just to keep my glucometer from beeping. The whole business of eating has become quite bothersome really. 

I'm not enjoying eating very much anymore. I like breakfast, but I feel like I'm on a timer when it comes to lunch. I don't eat dinner until 8:15 at night. Once I'm finished, I just putter around for a few hours until it's time to go to bed. It seems all I do now is get up, work, and go to bed. I squeeze in some meals in between. The weekends are crammed with chores that I can't do during the week. I try to relax on Sundays, but I start to get anxious around 3 pm because I know Monday is coming. 

Well, I have to go. Time to log on. I don't want to work today. Ugh!! 

Sketches of a Bipolar Girl: Just When I Thought I Was Fine...Nope!!!

 

            Let's face it the past few months have been crap. I have been broke because our rent went up, I wasn't able to pay a couple of months. I thought we were okay, but it was after I interrupted a secret meeting of April and Erica I found out the awful truth. We were about $6000 behind, and close to eviction. Keep in mind this is not the first secret discussion between those two. I confronted Erica in the car one day because she was always upset and I wanted to know why she felt she couldn't come to me. 

She told me that most of their discussions were about me. Apparently, I was correct when I was feeling as though I was a burden on them and they didn't want me around. So there you go. It was out in the open. How did it make me feel? Not that much different. I started to feel bad, but I was like fuck it. Anyway, I told her if that was how they felt the least they could have done was tell me the truth, and let me help figure out a way to amend my sins. 

It seems as I am a burden to people. Okay, I'll own that. I am a dependent person. That's probably never going to change unless I hit the lottery and give everyone a chunk of money and tell them to go fuck themselves. However, I'm not that that type of person, no matter how much I try to be. I am terminally nice and kind. I smile at people, say hello and hold doors open for people. I can't help it, I'm an empath. You just can't turn that kind of thing off and on like a faucet. I have always felt the things other people are feeling. It's exhausting, quite frankly. 

At any rate, I have been paying $1350 in rent for the past 4 months in an attempt to make up my part of the past due rent. I think this month I will only have to pay my usual $700, but I'll have to ask. I'm late for my car payment and my personal loan is seriously past due. I've made payment arrangements on that. I'll be able to catch up on my car this month. That's the hope anyway. 

To top off my continuing financial woes, I was in the hospital last month for a week. Somehow or another, my blood glucose soared to over 700. Also, I had a very painful rash all over my lady parts. I went to my regular doctor who only gave me hydrocortisone. That only made my blood sugar higher. Finally, I became slightly delirious one day and called Erica at work. She called April and then April took me to the emergency room. I was in there for 5 days on an insulin drip. No one visited me, no one called me. I was in my hospital room all alone. I didn't cry though, I just thought a lot about my mom. She would have hitch hiked to get to me, and would have stayed with me all day. My mom was my ride or die. I miss her everyday. There's a star that comes out every night that I call mom. I talk to her sometimes. Sometimes, I imagine that it's her taking the time to check on me. 

After I got out of the hospital, I had to get a continuous blood glucose monitor that's attached to my body and read my sugar levels 24/7. I've seen my endocrinologist every week for the past month. My sugar is finally under control. I switched primary care physicians because my old doctor just dismissed me about the rash and the fact that I was peeing every 10 minutes. So, I found a new doctor and he is fabulous. He takes me seriously and treats my symptoms aggressively. In fact, I have to get x-rays for my back,  because he thinks the constant abdominal pain I have is radiating from my back. I swear, if I have to have more back surgery, I'm going to scream. But, we'll see. It'll probably mean that I have to go back to physical therapy. YUCK!!

Actually, things are better between April, Erica and I. They don't have secret conversations about things having to do with the apartment and money issues. Since I've been contributing more, they are much more cordial. I'm not feeling any particular way about it. I'm just a lot less tense that's for sure. 

The job is okay. The thrill is gone, however. I'm on the phone for 9 hours a day. My office is still my bedroom, and I stay in here almost 24 hours a day. I'd like to get out of the house once in a while. Sometimes after I get off work at 8 pm, I take a drive for a couple of miles to blast my music and feel the wind in my face. I really don't like driving at night, but I don't have much choice. I don't see too great anymore. 

My eyesight has started fading about 3 weeks ago. I suspect it's from my sugar levels being so high, but I can't see without my glasses anymore. I used to only have to use them for reading, but now I need them to watch TV, driving, and even looking at my phone. My eyes are completely blurry without them. I made an eye doctor appointment for next Tuesday. I hope it goes well. 

I don't  want you to think I have no one at all to talk to, because there's my Aunt Gloria back  in Pennsylvania. She has taken over as my mother figure. She's my dad's cousin, but since she was older than us, we call her aunt. Anyway, she calls me once or twice a week just to check on me and see how I'm doing. We end up talkin about all kinds of stuff for 30 minutes or more. It's nice to have her around. 

My therapist ghosted me. Now I  guess I better find a new one. I really don't need one that much, I guess I just want someone to check in with once a month. I'm not really depressed. I'm not happy, but I'm not exactly sad either. I'm kind of in the middle of the road. Truthfully, I guess I really don't care. Except for money, I don't worry too much. I just want to get enough money to pay off my bills which amounts to about 35K. 

Oh well, when you wish upon a star I guess. Actually, I think old Jiminy Cricket sold us a load of shit, but I am trying to remain optimistic. Again I can't  help it. 30 some years in therapy, I managed to reprogram my brain. I don't think too negatively anymore. I know where it leads. I have no desire to go down that hole again. So, when I start to feel a bit blue, I take a nap, and use positive imagery to go someplace else in my mind. In fact, that's the technique I'll be using tonight when I go to bed. 

So, I guess I am okay. Not great, but okay. As the saying goes:

I'M FINE

IT'S FINE

EVERYTHING'S FINE!!!

Peace, Joy Love - B 

Sketches of a Bipolar Girl: Black Sheep

 Did you ever get the feeling that your very existence seems to bug someone? Or everyone? You know the feeling. The feeling that you don't belong in any circle anywhere. You don't even fit in with your own family. You're the odd man out all of the time. No matter what you do, it's not good enough, or you didn't do it fast enough. You could bring home straight As on a report card, but someone will point out that you only got a 97 on a test instead of 100%. 

That's me. The black sheep. I never did fit in anywhere. When I was little my siblings wanted nothing to do with me. All the neighborhood kids picked on me. I was too black for some, too white for others. In high school, I was a nerd. I always had my nose stuck in a book. I was too fat. I had friends in high school, but I loved them more than they loved me. 

In my family it's no different. I'm crazy after all. I am emotional rollercoaster. My family didn't know what to do with a bipolar child, so they left me to my own devices, which caused deeper isolation and depression. I was told to "snap out of it" and "get yourself together" so many times I could spit. My mom was dealing with her own craziness, so she was no help. My dad was so busy working, he didn't know what was going on half the time. He absolutely hated it when I cried. According to my grandparents, everything would be fine as soon as I turned my life over to Christ. Well, I did. I didn't fit in at church either. I don't dress right, pray right and I'm not there looking to find a husband. 

When things did go well, I always knew it would just be a matter of time until some trigger sent me off the ledge into another abyss of depression. But, I did okay while I could. I wish I could say I was doing well now, with the new job and everything, but this house is just a powder keg waiting to explode. 

April and Erica are constantly annoyed by me, yet I don't do anything wrong. I do things around the house out of love and the fact that I require a neat home in order to function. I know it has slowly developed into a form of OCD. I can no longer have a bunch of clothes in my hamper. I must make my bed everyday, The kitchen must be clean, and the living room must be tidy. The throw pillows must be arranged just so, in order for me to relax. If these things are out of place, I start pacing and the anxiety builds up in my body and my gut starts churning and my head aches. 

I suppose I should talk to my therapist about this, but I haven't seen her in a month. I texted her, but I never heard back from her. I'll try again when I am out of training. I don't have the time to see her right now anyway. 

So, I sit here in my room working for 8 hours a day with my cat to keep me company, and when they come home, I kind of float in and say hello, then float out again. Maybe I guess I shouldn't call myself a  black sheep. Maybe I should say that I am a black bird in a flock of flamingos. I stand out, but in the grand scheme of things, my presence makes no real different. 

Peace, Joy, Love-B 

Sketches of a Bipolar Girl: I've Had Enough, Thank You

 

Well, here it is. 2 am and I'm wide awake. My meds are on board, but I can't seem to catch the elusive butterfly of sleep. I don't even know if I'm tired. I'm just up, with nothing to do, no place to go and no one to call. So, I just putter around the dark house and go outside to smoke. Quite frankly, I've had enough of this bullshit. I'm tired of cycling. 

I guess I'm on my way back up to mania. For the past 3 days, I've nothing but sleep. It was nice actually. I've been really tired lately,  and couldn't work up the desire to leave my bed. I missed my last 3 days of work at the animal clinic. Yesterday was my last day. I felt bad, but then I didn't because my head hurt so bad. I had a headache for 3 days and my ears were ringing and my heart was jumping all over the place. 

The doctor still hasn't gotten the results from my Halter Monitor test yet. Which can either be good or bad. My heart is still having palpitations. It happens more now. Then with the headaches, I don't know what to think. Maybe it's the bipolar, maybe not. My EKG was definitely abnormal, that I know for sure. I would just really like to know what's going on. I see the doctor again tomorrow about these headaches. I've never had headaches  like this before. I do get headaches in my frontal lobes when I'm manic, but the type I'm having now are in the back of my head near the base of my skull. Sometimes, I feel like someone is tightening a cord  around my neck and I can't breath. I  wonder, if I'm having small strokes. It  figures. 

I have another job interview tomorrow. This time with the Walmart Clinic as a Care Host, aka Patient Representative. If the pay is good, I just might take it. I'll find out. I have a list of questions for them. That always goes over well. I'll be honest, I'm having second thoughts  about Delta Dental. I don't think I want to work from home. I'm used to human interaction in person, having coworkers with me. While the thought of working from home seems okay, not being able to see other people is kind of a drag. 

Of course, Walmart will have to meet all the criteria if I'm going to bail on Delta. I must have at least $17 per hour, with good benefits. I would get 10% off everything, except Rx I have a feeling. But, will I get all the paid holidays. How much vacation and sick time would I get. Plus there are 12 hour days to consider, while Delta is a M-F gig. 

I want my mom. I almost  started crying earlier because I want to talk to her and my dad so very much. Father's day is coming up, and I keep seeing these stupid ads for Father's Day, and I'm like no he won't love it, because he's dead! I tried  to make an appointment with Kristy, but I never heard back from her. 

That's another thing about Delta. I would have anytime to schedule my doctor appointments. I'm all verklemped. I guess that's how you spell it. I wonder to if this is all due to anxiety. I hope not because that means another pill, and I don't want any more pills. I'm tired of pills. I'm tired of being up one day and down the next. Every time I think I'm doing okay, something seems  to come along to make me look over my shoulder to see what's coming. 

A person has to be on guard, especially nowadays. You never know who's got an AR15 rifle pointed at your back. Of course, that's not how I'm going to go out. I'm going to be killed in a car wreck by someone running a red light. Why so specifically that way? Because people in Georgia are maniacs. 

Oh well, guess I'll go get some juice and have another smoke. It won't help anything, but I can't just sit here. My eyes are getting tired, but I'm not. Tomorrow is either going to be great or it's going to suck. I guess I'll make it great. No negative energy. The Year of Attraction. Yea, blah, blah. Good Morning- B

Sketches of a Bipolar Girl: What's New Pussycat?

 

Okay, so it's been quite a while. I've been busy of sorts. Also, I haven't been doing much creative writing. My book is woefully behind. I finished chapter 1, but am having a hard time getting motivated for chapter 2. I guess I will try to write the next few days, of course, that may change. Depends on my job situation. 

So, I've been looking for another job the past month or so. I've had something like 6 interviews. I've ALMOST gotten 2 jobs. The one at PetSmart couldn't accommodate me. I only wanted to work the desk at the pets hotel, but they wanted me to also sit with the dogs in the play room, which would mean breaking up any fights. Get in the middle of a dog fight?! No thanks. The other job was at Blue Pearl as vet receptionist again. Sounded great, I was all set, but I guess I didn't pass their background check or something, because as of now, I haven't heard a peep. I did get an offer from Delta Dental, fulltime, $17 an hour and full benefits. I accepted it. I offered to stay with my current job until they find someone, but they told me no, and that the 4th would be my last day. I was a little perturbed. 

I have another phone interview with Walmart on Wednesday afternoon to be a Care Host, which is a Patient Rep to check in patients, verify benefits etc. I don't know why I took  the meeting, I guess I want to see if it pays more than Delta, and offer better benefits. It probably will with my luck. 

I still have not won the lottery, although I'm still trying. It was $135 million last time I checked. I need it, because I'm getting deeper into the financial hole. Everything is past due and one account went to collection. Also, someone sideswiped my car on Friday the 27th. I was minding my own business when this woman changed lanes. The police were called and I didn't get a ticket. I'm filing with my insurance company. My deductible is not that much. I'm hoping I can get it fixed soon. I don't know where the $500 for my deductible is coming from, but I am somehow optimistic that everything will work out. 

I guess I do that a lot. I don't think I'm living in a fantasy land. I just am putting out there  for Jesus to take care of everything. I'm feeling pretty good. My meds are  still  the same. I'm somewhat stable. I am not having as much trouble sleeping as before. I'm not as anxious either. I started a vitamin regime, so I have more energy and focus. But, I am having heart palpitations which is new, because they are happening for no apparent reason. I saw the doctor, and they had me wear a Halter Monitor for 48 hours, but no one seems to have the results yet. That either means they lost them, or I'm fine. I'm still having them, and it's sometimes accompanied by shortness of breath and dizziness with the occasional pain. I could be having a bunch of little heart attacks. At which time, I want my sister to sue them if I should drop dead. 

Mickey has finally gotten her shit together. Mostly, she's not here. She got herself a girlfriend, so she spends most of her time with her. She's still an incredible narcissist, but at least she's not here making anyone uncomfortable. She and Erica have called a truce of sorts. They aren't friends anymore, but they are civil to each other. 

Well, that's all. I'll find out about my heart tomorrow I guess, I have to call again. Ciao for now. - B

Sketches of a Bipolar Girl: What About Your Friends?

 

The song by TLC is called "What About Your Friends?" It raises some interesting questions. I mean, you think you have true friends. Friends that are "ride or die" for you. But, the reality is, once things get really hard, your so-called friends are no where to be found. Then, somehow, you became the bad one, or the crazy one. Somehow, it became all about them, and it's all your fault. 

I've had these friends. One minute they were there, and the next, I can't find them. I must admit, I'm not the easiest person to be friends with I suppose. But then again, I have reason to be. I learned very early in life, that people were to not to be trusted. I can't tell you how many times I've been laughing and sharing secrets, to then find out the person I trusted was talking about me behind my back.  I guess that's why I'm a relatively quiet person now. I don't hide anything when asked, but I don't volunteer information readily, if that makes sense. 

Being mentally ill, I've faced stigmas amongst my friends. When I share, I get sideways glances. One really good friend of mine told me she is scared of my illness. Oh, and I'm not? I'm always looking over my shoulder waiting for the next trauma. It's called anxiety. I've learned to control it, but it's always there. I find myself actively trying not to be too happy, because I know something will fall on my head, and I'll be back in bed for a few days. 

As an empath, I also absorb the vibrations of those around me. When things are tense or angry or even happy, I feel it. I can't live in a situation that is stressful to other people. It bounces off of them and I feel the energy. I can't help it. I've been that way my entire life. I remember even as a very small child feeling this. 

I can tell you this much, I hate it. While being an empath does make you sympathetic, it can also make you sick to your stomach. So, if you are an empath and your friend is not, what happens? I'll tell you. It makes you angry, sick, anxious, and extremely tired. There are times I just can't be around people because I'm just too exhausted to try and reflect their energy. So, I just go to my room, turn on some mind numbing TV show and vegetate for a while until I fall asleep. 

Whenever, Erica is in a mood, I can't be around her. She, as you know, does not talk to me about most things in her life. I know it sounds weird, but I want to help her. I want her to bounce things off me, because I think I can help. But, apparently, she doesn't feel that way. I, however, am still absorbing the vast amount of negative vibrations she is putting out there in the universe. So, here I am, nervously cleaning the house and doing laundry in order for me to burn off my anxiety. 

Do I personally have any close friends? Nope, it's not that I haven't tried. The girls I work with are just that, girls. I have nothing in common with them except a love of animals. Plus, I'm at the front desk all day, so I don't hear much of the gossip that goes around the office. 

I've joined a snail mail pen pal club, so I'm hoping to write my way into some friendships. I've given up on men for the time being because their idea of friendship always comes back to sex. I'm not into it. 

So, what about your friends? Do they stay around or will they let you down again? I don't know. In my experience, they will let you down. I suppose I should work on that, as this is supposed to be the year of attraction. But, today, I'm going to enjoy the silence. No one is home but me and the cats, and the clothes dryer is humming its soothing tune. I think I'll make another cup of coffee and sit on the porch. 

Peace, Joy, Love - B 

Sketches of a Bipolar Girl: 24 months and 3 days

 

Hi Mom, 

Well, the day has come and gone, and I'm still alive. It was 2 years on Saturday that you left this world. I purposely slept in so I could avoid the actual hour of your passing.  For some, reason, this year was really hard. I started to fall into a depression about 2 1/2 weeks ago. 

Last year, on the first anniversary, we were moving into this apartment, so I really couldn't think about it too much.  But this year, things just kind of fell on my head.  On top of all that, I had run out of a couple of my psych meds and didn't have the money to get it. Also, I had my screening colonoscopy on the 15th. I had to fast for 24 hours and then the surgery messed up my digestive system. I wasn't able to process any food for a few days.  All that sort of stressed me so bad, I just felt exhausted. I slept for 3 days. 

Me being me, I couldn't drag myself out of bed to go to work, so now I'm short on funds and the rent is  due.  Why do I get myself into these situations? I really thought I was beyond all this crap.  Just goes to show me that I can't get over confident.  This is the year of attraction, right? Well, I don't feel like I'm attracting anything.  

Don't get me wrong, I am feeling better. Jerald gave the money for my meds, and he said I don't need to pay him back. I do have to pay April, since she picked it them up for me. I've doing pretty good with money so far. I got my taxes back, but only got $958 instead of the $2300 I was expecting. The IRS adjusted my return. I'm waiting for the letter advising me of the reason why. Anyway, the money is all gone, and since I didn't get what I  expected, I'm behind on my loan and car note. I should get it all straight by the end of this month since I have no plans of taking any sick days off. 

The job has cut my hours by a day for the next 2 weeks. They hired Deana, a student who was just observing. So, now they have adequate coverage. Part of me is like, damn it. But then the other part of me doesn't mind too much. I really like everyone I work with a lot. Except maybe Dr. Ram. He's a little acerbic. I don't think, he thinks too much of me, since the debacle with the keys. It was incredibly stupid on my part and I deserved to get yelled at for it.  I beat myself up about it over that entire weekend. 

That's when I knew I was getting depressed. I haven't taken things that personally for quite sometime. But, I was just so wrapped up in myself that I wasn't thinking.  

I changed my room over to it's Spring decorations. I pulled out the cream bedspread and the quilt Aunt Berta made for me. I got a couple of new throw pillows. I like home decor a great deal.  I bought some new red sheets too. I must have 10 sets of sheets and 10 matching towels sets. 

My acting lessons and Spanish lessons are coming along nicely. I hope to join a theater group next month. The classes will cost $240 for 8 weeks, one night a week.  The Spanish lessons are free on line. I don't speak it too well, but I can translate some simple conversations. I have to practice speaking. 

Well, I guess that's all for now.  I miss you so much. I was becoming afraid that I was starting to forget things about you. But the past week has shown me that it's not true. The memories came flooding in, and I think that overwhelmed me a bit.  

Anyway, you take care, tell everyone I said hello and that I miss them as well. Life is weird, I used to think I couldn't live without you, but here I am, 24 months and 3 days later and I'm still going strong.  Thank you for giving me your love and encouragement. I love you mommy. - B

Sketches of a Bipolar Girl: The Results Are In

 

So, insomnia has struck again.  I am out of medication, so I haven't been sleeping for the past few days.  I see my doctor on Thursday. In the meantime, I have been coughing and sneezing with a runny nose.  Normally, I wouldn't be too concerned, but in this time of the virus, I'm taking no chances. 

One of the girls I work with just got over Covid last week. So, naturally, I was a little worried. But, alas I am fine.  Since I was up, I took my home rapid result test and it came up negative.  Of course, it could be wrong.  I've had this runny nose going on two weeks now.  If it doesn't stop, I may just schedule a test at CVS. But, I do feel a bit better about the whole situation. 

Work is going great by the way.  I really like my job.  And just as I thought, I am good at it.  Although I did forget to put the cash drawer key away last night. I'll probably hear about that this morning.  But, all in all I think I'm doing pretty well.  I had my first salty client yesterday. It was a lady who only wants the doctor to look at her dog.  She doesn't want the techs looking at him at all.  Anyway, her appointment was at 1 pm, and the doctor had just left for lunch.  Needless to say, she was a little heated.  She wanted to speak to the practice manager, but Amy way not in yesterday.  So,  I was all apologetic.  We ended up calling the doctor to have him come right back.  She had her visit and went on her way.  

On my 3rd day, we had three euthanasia patients, so that was something.  On my 4th day, we had a cat just die while in the office And, just two days ago, we had someone walk in with a cat that showed up DOA. It had apparently fallen out of a tree.  It was sad. It was a very pretty long haired Siamese. 

I'm not getting upset at these things.  I honestly don't know if I'm just getting better at handling my emotions or if something is wrong.  I mean, I get flustered from time to time, but I'm not freaking out like I normally would have in the past. I guess I can discuss it with my therapist. I see her on the 14th. 

It will be the second anniversary of mom's death in a couple of weeks. I feel okay about it actually. I mean what am I going to do, dress in black and spend the day cowering in the corner? No, she would be so mad if I did that.  Ok, maybe not mad, but she wouldn't like it.  Maybe if I have the day off and some money, we can go out to dinner.  

We had a Chinese buffet last night in celebration of the Chinese New Year. It was kind of cool.  The food was fabulous. Pam and Steff and their mom, Miss Allison were here.  They've become part of the family.  Mickey wasn't here, she was at work.  Which is fine, all she does is sulk anyway. She is so jealous of Steffanie and Erica it's pitiful.  She's been talking about moving out, which is fine if that what she wants to do. I think she wants us to beg her to stay, which isn't going to happen.  She wants us to be her surrogate family, I think, but she won't meet us half way. She has complained to Erica about her relationship with me, which is puzzling because, we don't have a relationship. I am old enough to be her mom, hence we have no shared life experiences.  I like her just fine I guess.  She is sort of loud for me, but other than that I think she's okay.  I guess she wants to be my friend.  I'll give a little more I guess. 

Well, I guess that's all for now.  My computer is acting weird.  I really hate the technology that's taken over the world.  I suppose, I could just go back to keeping a journal. But then nobody would be able to read it. lol.  

Sketches of a Bipolar Girl: Contributing Member of Society

    

Well, I got a job!!!! Hooray!!! 

I am now a receptionist at Shepherd Animal Hospital.  It's full time, but it only pays $12 an hour.  Also, there's no benefits.  But, I don't care.  I have a job!! I am so damned excited.  The job is kind of easy.  Today was my 4th day.  

Yesterday, I worked the desk by myself.  The girl I was supposed to be working with got fired on Sunday.  I don't know all the scuttlebutt, but there you go.  Anyway, the day went pretty well.  I know how to make appointments, process payments, scan documents and notes on files.  

Apparently the other girl, who got fired, wasn't too good at her job.  She didn't follow instructions, etc.  Anyway, they told me, that I am doing well.  I can answer most of the questions, except if someone has a tech or doctor question.  I don't try to answer those questions because I'm not authorized to do so.  

At any rate, the people there are super nice, and they are all in their 20's.  I'm the grand old lady.  I'm going to get some hair dye on the way home tomorrow, because my grays are really showing.  I'm thinking of dying my eyebrows too. I've thought about it before, but I was afraid of getting dye in my eyes.  

I get to wear scrubs again, so I bought scrub sets from Amazon, and got a couple of long sleeved t-shirts from Walmart.  I'm all coordinated and look very cute.  I also got some orthotics that Dr. Walton recommended, and I wore them today. It worked out well. My ankle doesn't hurt so much because the orthotic prevents pronation. My leg is a little sore from walking more straight, but other than that, I can't complain. It still hurts, but not as bad. 

I'm getting a good amount of money back in taxes, and I still have my disability. I figure I'll notify them after I get a few paychecks.  So, I'll have 28 hours at the end of this week.  I think the pay periods run from Sunday to Saturday.  

In addition to the new job, I'm trying to get back to my acting classes, and I'm taking Spanish lessons online.  So far, it's going well.  Well, my year of attraction is working!! I still feel good and very positive.  I hope things continue on this course.  That's all for now.  Peace, Joy, Love - B 

Sketches of a Bipolar Girl: Great Expectations

 

It is the Year of Attraction for me. That's what I stated a couple of weeks ago. I said I would set my expectations for success and not settle for anything less than I deserve.  I had decided that I was going to view the world in a positive way and send out positive vibrations.  Well, who'd thunk it, but it works.  

I GOT A JOB!!!!!  It's not the high paying job at Suwanee Animal Hospital, but a small hospital in Duluth.  It only pays $12.00 per hour to start, but it's okay for now.  I just wanted a job.  I fully expect to get a raise in a few months.  I'm very excited about this.  The people there are very nice, the atmosphere is calm and it's only 15 minutes away. 

The downside?  Of course, the pay.  But I still have my disability.  It went up to $1520 a month this year, and with my pay from the new job, I will be able to get back on track eventually.  I will report it to the Social Security Department in a month or so, just to be on the safe side. 

I don't foresee any stressful problems that will cause me to have a breakdown or anything.  Like I said, the pace at this hospital is pretty slow as far as reception is concerned.  It's really just what I was looking for.  But, I'll see how it goes anyway. 

Everyone is really happy for me. I think that this has relieved April somewhat, in that she won't have to worry about my rent, or buying me food.  I did borrow $82.00 from Erica today, so I could order my scrubs from Amazon.  

The other downside to this job is that there aren't any benefits. So when I do finally get off Social Security, I'll have to find some health insurance. That will be interesting.  I haven't been without Medicare for almost 20 years.  

In other late breaking news, we got a dog!! That's right, we have another fur baby in the house.  He is a 5 month old husky mix. We named him Kyber.  Erica and I went to the Cobb County Animal shelter looking for a little Doberman puppy, but she had been adopted.  So, we looked at other puppies, and he just looked so scared and alone, we couldn't help it.  So, we brought him home. 

So far he's doing well for a puppy.  He has had some accidents in the house, but that's to be expected.  Erica is leash training him right now, and trying to get him to walk out of the door on his own.  He's gotten much better at that, since before she had to carry him in and out of the door.  He's starting to know his name.  I don't interfere too much in his training, etc., because he is Erica's dog.  

The cats don't pay much attention to him, so that worked out well.  Ky doesn't mess with them too much either, except when he wants to play.  Then, they back up and run away from him.  

Other than that, things are pretty much going great.  I texted my brother and told him about the job, and he was happy of course.  One day, I'm going to pay him back some of the money he's given me over the years.  But that's far in the future.  I'm going to have to learn how to space out my money and budget again, since I get paid biweekly on Thursdays.  Of course, with Chime I will get paid on Tuesdays, which is cool.  

My first day is this Friday, the 21st.  I have to move around most of my medical appointments, except for my eye appointment, Dr. Walton and my colonoscopy.  I don't want to change those.  Everything else will have to change to late February or March. I hope it all works out schedule wise.  I've had those appointments set for quite a while.  I suppose I could change Dr. Walton if need be.  Oh well, I'll worry about that a little later.  

In the meantime, the Laws of Attraction are working.  I am finally free of all the fear and worry of my life. I've put the past very far behind me. I'm still going to see my therapist just to keep myself grounded. Otherwise, I feel like a grown up adult human who is handling her life.  I have nothing but great expectations for my future.  Instead of dread, I'm looking forward to it.  Now, if I could just get this insomnia under control, I'd be doing something.  

Peace, Joy, Love - B

Sketches of a Bipolar Girl: Dear Dad

 

Dear Daddy, 

Hi, it's me Bev.  Well, it's been a year since you've been gone.  I face the day with a tiny bit of sadness and a bit of hope.  We've been doing okay since you left.  You told us to go ahead and live our lives, and that's what we've been doing. 

In the beginning, it was hard.  I felt like an orphan when you died.  I thought that with both you and mom gone, I was totally alone in the world.  But, I realized that I wasn't.  I still have April, Erica, Sean and Jerald.  I've only talked to him once this year.  He is still keeping his distance from me.  Maybe one day I can repair the rift between us.  

I also have been keeping in close contact with Aunt Gloria. We talk on the phone at least once a week.  In fact, I'm going to call her later today.  She's been a great comfort to me.  We talk about all kinds of things, not just you and mom.  

April is doing well at work.  Erica lost her job back in July.  It was not a good parting of the ways, but it was for the best as that job was making her sick.  It was a very toxic environment.  Jerald got a promotion to supervisor, so he is still working hard and doing well.  Sean is still driving the big rig for Amazon.  He has started training new drivers when he isn't driving himself.  He got transferred to a new site, but is still looking to move up here this year.  That's my hope anyway.  April worries about him being a truck driver.  

Me? Well, my ankle is finally healed and I am doing pretty well. I walk with a limp now because my ankle is now one piece, so it doesn't bend all the way for a normal gait.  But, other than that I have no complaints.  I mean I could complain, but what difference would it make?  It is what it is. 

Do you hear me when I talk to you?  There's a special star that I say is you, and I look up at it and talk to you.  I wish I had a recording of your voice, just so I could hear you once in a while, but I suppose that would be pitiful. I remember you in my mind and heart, so I suppose that's enough.  

I just turned in my notice to Amazon a few minutes ago.  I cannot be on my feet that long anymore.  I can walk around for about an hour before my ankle hurts and starts  to swell.  After that, I have to sit down for a while.  

I hope you're enjoying yourself.  I hope that it's everything that you hoped for and you get to see  Uncle Charles and Nana and PopPop.  Tell them I said hello.  I miss you daddy.  I'm no one's baby girl anymore. I'm just a grown up adult person. I finally learned to take care of myself.  I hope I make you proud.  I love you forever and a day. - B

Sketches of a Bipolar Girl: New Year, New Me?

 

Well, 2022 has reared it's ugly head on the world.  It promises nothing.  I suppose that we can expect the trend of death, poverty and despair to reign over the world for another 12 months.  I, however, am feeling positive.  

Why? Because I have decided that this is the year that something big is going to happen.  I'm not sure exactly what that will be, but I am determined not to go out of 2022 the same way I ended last year. 

I got in touch with a charity for rental assistance and was approved for 2 months of help.  I also applied for food stamps.  However, because I have a car, I only qualified for, are you ready for this?  Fucking $20.  That's it.  I guess I can buy a few things, but I ain't getting nothing good.  

I have a job interview on Monday with a local vet hospital.  It's a hospital that is part of a big organization, so I should be able to get the pay and benefits I want.  I hope I get.  I want to get out of this house and go to a job.  A year at home is quite enough thank you.  

I still haven't told Amazon I'm not coming back.  I see the doctor on the 5th, so I'll tell them then.  Regardless of whether I get this job on Monday, I can't go back.  My ankle is permanently damaged.  

We rang in the new year with some friends here at home.  We played board games, drank and shot of fireworks at midnight.  Everything broke up at 1:30 am.  I'm so glad I'm over my "oh my God, I gotta go to a party" phase of life.  I just don't give a shit about that stuff anymore.  I'm quite happy spending time watching old movies and cuddling with Zelda.  She loved the fireworks by the way.  

I started chatting online with a guy a week ago.  I'm not taking that seriously.  He sounds fishy. Plus, he supposedly lives in Miami and is going to France for 3 months.  Whatever dude.  I reply to him if I feel in the mood.  I'm not putting up with any bullshit from guys this year. I want a real gentleman, with a good job, who is looking for a committed relationship.  Anything else, keep on  steppin". 

Guess who called me a couple of weeks ago?  Kevin!!!! I was like, what the hell do you want. But, he just called to say hi I guess. As usual, he said he would call me later, but he never did.  I didn't call him.  He was still spouting the same crap as before. He still is a hobosexual. I wish him nothing but the best, but this girl ain't biting at that hook again.  Once I stop and think about it, the sex was only mediocre.  

I am thinking about getting a lover just for sex purposes. Kinda like what I had with Brad, except with a little more fun.  I would like to go out once in while as friends.  We can just be friends who fuck regularly.  Is there such a thing? 

I suppose I sound a little harsh, but I've had my heart open for several years now, putting other people before myself.  I'm not doing that anymore. 2022 is the year of selfcare.  If you can't deal with the fact that I am the most important person in my life, then I have no place for you.  If you want to join me on my journey, by all means, climb aboard!! 

Am I making resolutions? Nope, don't believe in them.  I'm going to focus on some goals.  The first goal is to improve my financial situation.  Once I do that, I am going to travel a little.  I've never been to Savannah, Las Vegas, or Washington, DC.  I've only been to New Orleans once.  I'd like to go back.  Hopefully, this COVID shit will calm down or possible be eradicated and people will be okay again.  I doubt it, but I'm praying.  Speaking of praying, that is another goal.  I need to get back in touch with my spiritual side.  I've been lax in that area.  I'm also going to really concentrate on letting go of my creativity.  Once the finances are straightened out, I want to take an art class.  I don't care what kind at this point.  I started taking Spanish lessons.  It's pretty fun.  I have to make a commitment to it.  

Well, I guess that's it.  I'm going to make a list of these goals.  I don't have to do them all this year, just the financial one.  Everything else will fall into place after that.  So it's a New Year.  On the 6th, it will be a year since my dad died.  I'm not sad.  I was a little melancholy on his birthday, Dec. 21st.  But, it was a good day.  We'll see what happens next week.  Maybe my goal will be met.  In fact, I claim it in Jesus's name.  I am financially secure and my family doesn't need anything else for the rest of our lives.  We are living life like it's golden!!