Sketches of a Bipolar Girl: The Way of the Dawn

 

It's 6:22 am right now.  I've been up since 2:25.  I woke up because I was in a deep dream and I had to pee.  I almost wet the bed.  In the dream, I was in a collage dormitory.  For some reason that I don't know, I was white girl with long blonde hair.  At any rate, I was talking with someone, and suddenly had to pee.  It was kind of strange because all the other girls in the dorm thought I was bulimic. At any rate, I almost peed myself through and through.  That angered me a little because I just changed the bedding yesterday. 

I changed my pajama pants and went outside to smoke.  It's cold outside; 39 degrees.  That's pretty darn cold for Georgia.  April broke down and put the heat on last night, because when she came home it was only 66 degrees in the house. I still have a window cracked open in my room, and sleep with the ceiling fan on.  I need fresh circulating air to sleep soundly.  

I tried to go back to bed, but my mind said no.  My body was willing, but my mind was whirling.  Right now, I have a headache.  I'll take a nap later I guess. 

I finally gave up and went to smoke another cigarette a couple of hours later, and thought I would watch the sun come up, but the wind has picked up and it's even colder out than it was before.  It's one of those mornings that makes you want someone to cuddle up to and savor the warmth of the covers.  But in my case, I just have to settle for the cat.  She's not even here right now.  

I had a session with my therapist yesterday.  It was ok.  I told her about my dream with my parents.  I don't think there's any big psychological breakthrough there.  I miss them terribly and am afraid that they are disappointed in me.  What can I do about it?  I can't think of anything.  I've always tried to be a good girl, and I've never felt like I was enough.  I didn't think those feelings would continue but they do.  

I haven't heard anything about the job yet.  I sent a thank you email yesterday, so I'm hoping that generates some response.  I'm trying to remain positive and put out good vibes so that the universe will manifest what I want.  I don't really pray anymore.  I'm kind of just floating around hoping I don't get hit by a meteorite. 

I hope to get out of the house today.  I'd like to go with them on their Saturday errands.  They went to the movies last night.  I didn't go, because I wasn't asked, nor did I have the money to pay for myself.  So, I stayed home and took a hot shower and went to bed.  So it goes.  I wonder if the sun is coming up yet, so that I can see it.  The cats are looking for their breakfast.  I'm not going to feed them right now.  They'll be fine for another hour.  Time for another cigarette.  

Peace Joy Love - B