I'm hanging by an unraveling thread. I was suicidal yesterday. I formulated a plan. I wrote the note in my mind. I must have looked at the number for suicide prevention for a half hour. I even drove to my local nuthouse. It was a dark foreboding place. I don't want to go there.
I did drive there to check it out. I thought if it looks a nice place, I would come home and pack my things and check myself in. But, since it was so creepy looking, I decided against it. So, I came home and watched tv. It took a while for me to just figure out that I wanted to eat something. So, I went to QT and got a hotdog.
This is Suicide Prevention Awareness Month. Ironic I know. I was going to try something new this time and cut my wrists. I'm usually an overdose on pills kid of girl, but it never worked. So, I thought, hell why not? But then, I thought about Zelda. I mean, I just got her. Who would take care of her? I decided it wouldn't be fair to just kill myself and leave her behind. So, I briefly considered taking her with me. I would strangle her and then cut my wrists. We'd both be dead, and things would be better.
It did occur to me that people would be kind of mad, but hell, they are usually mad at me anyway. I'm always doing something wrong. I don't always know what, but people, meaning April and Jerald, are always annoyed with me. I wonder if they've always been mad at me. Maybe they were angry that I was even born. You know, sibling rivalry and all that bullshit.
It's not my fault I was born. Quite frankly, I've always felt like huge mistake. I'm an very unfortunate event. So, Why am I still here? Simply put, I have no idea. I got up today, and fed Zelda, had breakfast and proceeded to go about the business of getting ready for my day. I took a shower, did my hair, and put on makeup. I look pretty good. But inside? Well, inside, I feel like there are snakes in my belly. My eyes are burning, and I could really just go back to bed.
I'm pretending that everything is ok. I have music playing in the background. I posted on Facebook a picture of Zelda. Answered a couple of guys on the love connection. One guy wanted to know if I was looking for a sex partner. Ha ha! I guess he has a fantasy about sex with a black girl. I do attract the cream of the crop don't I?
I keep seeing shadows, what the fuck? I'm still paranoid. I can't look anyone in the eye. They might see how crazy I am. I think I could probably kill someone in my present state. I'm not necessarily homicidal. I just want to see blood. Maybe, I'll just cut. I haven't done it in a couple of years. Maybe it will relieve some of this pain. I want to get drunk. Unfortunately, I can't even afford a bottle of booze. Maybe if I take all my meds and have a chaser, that would do the trick.
I guess I should call the crisis line. I have an appointment with my psychiatrist today at 11:30. I want to tell her what's going on, but then I don't. I see my therapist tomorrow. My head is fuzzy. I want to drive, just drive off. I wonder when they would notice. Probably a week. I'm a freak. Fuck it!
B
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