Sketches of a Bipolar Girl: Hidden Anger

If you ask almost anyone who knows me, they will tell you that I'm a nice, quiet person who is generous, loving and doesn't cause trouble.  Sounds like the description of your average serial killer, right?  Well, that's pretty much me.  No, I'm not confessing to a murder.  I've never killed anyone, but I sure as hell thought about it.
I have found that people who have suffered trauma, have incredible deep seated rage.  They are angry at their abusers, and the people that failed to come to their aid. 
I have plotted revenge on the kids who bullied me while growing up.  I have dreamed of torturing and cruelly castrating my rapist.  There are times when I dream of shooting up places or bombing buildings because of something someone did to me.  But, the difference is, I know right from wrong.  I know it is a sin.  I suppose I need to go to confession about these impure thoughts.
I had a dream about my mom last night.  We were in the kitchen at our house.  I was so made at her.  I snapped at her, and made faces every time she spoke.  When she asked me why, I told her I didn't like her anymore.  Then, I woke up.  I wasn't upset about the dream.  I was just curious.
I thought about it a while and realized, that I was entering another stage of grief. Anger.  I am so mad at her for leaving me.  I have so much to tell her and she's not here.  I don't feel her with me.  It's like she disappeared.  My grandparents still come to me.  Why not her?  Where is she?  Why did she stop coming to see about me?  Does she think I'm doing okay?  Well, I guess I am, but last week, I barely held it together.  Where was she then?
There were times when I was growing up, I hated her.  I hated that she was a paranoid schizophrenic. I hated the knots in my stomach every time I came home from school.  I hated the suicide attempts and everything that went with her disease.
Now that I have bipolar with schizoid affect, I get it now.  But, I still hate it.  I am learning, finally, after 35 years, not to take this anger out on myself or others.  I' channeling it in other directions.  Mostly, I'm working a lot, and writing.  So far, it's working. 
#Peace #Joy #Love - B