sketches of a bipolar girl: The Ladder

 went to see my psychiatrist and my therapist today. We are all in agreement that I have wandered off path again, and find myself in one of the black, twisted corridors of my brain. The doctor increased one of my medications and placed me back into the acute care schedule. So, I will be seeing him every 2 weeks instead of 4 and more. My therapist wants to see me once a week, but I can't afford that. I will be seeing her every 2 weeks as well. Mary asked me why I wasn't looking at her when I talked. I told her what my depressed self thinks is the gospel truth. I don't look at people when/if I talk because I don't want people to see me. On this particular day, my disease has me convinced that I am one of the ugliest creatures that has ever been. My rational self knows this is not true, but bipolar is not rational. Right this second, I have a serious headache from trying to put my thoughts in order. I had to let go of one of the rungs on the ladder of my life so I could get a better grip. When I did that, I slipped farther down than first anticipated. I am still on the ladder, to let go completely would involve a complete psychotic break. Let me tell you, I have been tempted to let go. But, I promised my mom that I will hold on as long as I have breath in my body. I need to take a shower. I need to wash off this sticky feeling of crazy that has enveloped me. I'm thinking it may be another chocolate ice cream day, something to help my serotonin levels. Take care of yourselves, and have a great afternoon. Peace, Joy, Love - B