Well, I'm up again. I don't remember being asleep. I just remember tossing and turning then I was up. So, I haven't written in what seems like months but it hasn't been that long. I hate January. It's amazing how 31 days can seem like a whole year. I suppose it's because it's a new year and there are expectations.
I didn't make resolutions, but I did make some goals. I tried to adjust my attitude about some things but all of that got blown out of the water when I got the flu. I got my flu shot in November, but I still got sick. I had fever and chills, then I got laryngitis. I lost my voice for over a week. So, I couldn't work. I didn't mind the not working, but I do mind the hit to my paycheck. I had to go negative in my PTO, so I owe the company money.
I was very close to quitting this week. I just had a lot of trouble motivating myself to do the job. I don't hate the job. I just don't really care any more. I think it's just my depression talking. I've been depressed for a few weeks. I always have trouble in January. The depression after the holidays is pretty normal, but let's face it, my holidays sucked. No tree, no presents, no money. I tried to put on a brave face, really I did. However, it didn't work. My old buddy, depression, came in and settled in for the next few months.
I haven't been consistent in my self care. I am having trouble taking a shower. I washed my hair this past weekend, but I hadn't washed it for a month. I have to force myself to bathe and brush my teeth. I sleep a lot. Mostly, I just am having a hard time existing. I don't care about myself. A couple of days I had some suicidal thoughts. I really wanted to take some pills and go to sleep. However, I didn't. April and Erica will put me out if I go in the hospital again. I don't want to go to the hospital anyway. I know the drill and I'm not doing it again.
So, I don't know what else to do but push through. Trouble don't last always, so the song says. I guess I'm going to have to continue to look to the Lord to help me. I certainly can't depend on anyone else. I wish my mom was here. At least I could get a hug. Oh well, until next time
Peace- B
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