Sketches of a Bipolar Girl: Good Evening Anxiety, Have a Seat

 

It's been a while since crippling anxiety has come to visit. I almost forgot what she looked like. But she hasn't changed much. Still the same harried expression, messy hair and overall ill. I don't know what brought this on, but I had a series of anxiety attacks today. It was just anxiety instead of panic because with a panic attack I feel like I'm dying. 

Today started well enough. I didn't want to get out of bed, but that's nothing new. I stayed in bed until 8:48 am. I finally got up and washed up. I put on my Queen t-shirt and black lounge pants. I lay down on the couch for a while, and almost fell asleep again. I was 2 minutes late for work. I didn't want to work today. I started to get bored and you could tell in my voice that I didn't care. Anyway, the first attack came around noon. I had heart palpitations and a really shaky feeling in my gut. My head started to hurt and then my hands started shaking. I decided I'd clock out for just an hour to rest and get myself together. 

My gut started to churn mercilessly. I had shooting pains in my abdomen and I had diarrhea. I felt horrible, but not so horrible that I didn't know what it was. I haven't felt this level of anxiety for over a year. I wish I knew where it was coming from. I was thinking about my life and wrote a list of 10 goals I want to accomplish over the next couple of years. I did my homework. I applied SMART principles to my goals and wrote them out. I outlined what I wanted to accomplish, how I was going to measure my progress, what was relevant and realistic, the time frame etc. I felt good about it. My first goal which I want to accomplish in 1 year was to lose 50lbs. I made a list of diabetic friendly foods to shop for and looked up some recipes on the Mayo Clinic website. I listed how many steps I wanted to make per day. I know the standard goal is 10k steps, but I'm lucky if I get 3k. I mean I work at home for goodness sake. Where am I walking to? 

I did my shopping today, and got a top sirloin steak, some boneless, skinless chicken tenders and some center cut porkchops. I got veggies and fruit. I'm back on diet soda and Splenda. I've been using sugar for the past 5 months, but I need to stop my processed sugar intake. I bought sugar free Italian sweet cream coffee creamer. God, I even bought sugar free gum. I had my one last hurrah on Door Dash with a mushroom cheeseburger and fries from 5 Guys. I couldn't eat it because my stomach is still churning like a hurricane. So, I put it in the fridge for tomorrow. I think I better get some more Mylanta. 

I made an appointment with a new therapist for Saturday afternoon. It's at 2:50 pm, but I'm supposed to see some raptors at the bird store. The 3 of us are going. I'm a member of the bird store, so I got an email on Monday about it. I knew Erica would want to go, but April said she would go also. I'm going to go, I just have to duck out to the car for my appointment. I may change it. I'll have to think about it. I was supposed to have a doctor's appointment tomorrow, but I'm not going. I told them I have the stomach flu, which is close to what' s going on. I asked for a rescheduled appointment on Tuesday. My new therapist is on Headway. It's only going to cost me around $30. It may not cost me anything as I'm sure I've met my out of pocket by now. It's kind of sad that I've met my deductible and out of pocket for the 3rd year in a row. 

I got the results of my cat scan for my jaw. Everything is normal. I just need to pay attention to my salivary glands and make sure they don't get blocked again. Basically, I need to massage my glands to ensure saliva flow. God, my stomach hurts. I have to at least start work tomorrow. I'm probably going to get written up for attendance. I asked off for 6/4 and 6/20. I wish I could just get  through one whole week without getting sick. Last week was migraines, this week it's my gut. I should go to the doctor, but they're just going to refer me to a gastro specialist. I am due for another colonoscopy. But, no surgical procedures are allowed until August. I'll have to make an appointment. I see Dr. Shveta on the 4th. I'll talk to her about it then. 

That's all for now. Peace, Joy, Love - B 

Sketches of a Bipolar Girl: Remember Who You Are

 

Today is Mother's Day. As you know, my mom is dead. Sounds kind of heartless to say it that way, but those are the facts. I've been thinking pleasant thoughts about her. I don't get angry at her anymore. I mean it has been 5 years. One thing that bothers me though, is we never had a service for her. We all had to say goodbye in our own way. I've thought about having something for her, but it's kind of like, why? Maybe, I'll make a video with pictures in it. But, it's kind of a moot point in the long run. I've made my peace with it. 

It occurred to me today when I woke up this morning, that I am a black person. Before you laugh, this is something I don't always realize. For some reason, my mind decided that I needed to know this today. I woke up today and thought of 2 things; we have a new pope and I am a black person. I never refer to myself as an African-American. My family is just regular American. We've got some mixtures along with some African ancestry, hence the melanin. But, since I have no idea of what country or region of Africa said ancestors came from, I don't think of myself that way. That part of my family history was hijacked, our language stolen. We have some Native American ancestry as well. Lots of black people think that, but it's true on our part. There are pictures of a distinctly Native people in our history. Let's not forget that a lot of my family could pass for white, and some in fact did. 

Of course, I did ask myself why I was thinking about this today, but I really can't say why. Sometimes, it just pops in my mind as a friendly reminder. I have been living my life as a regular old person. I forget things about myself. I forget that I am fat, I forget that I have physical and mental challenges, I forget that I am a woman. So, why wouldn't I forget that I am black? This is especially true now. I mean in this day and age, the government would like nothing better than me to forget the things that make me a unique individual. They are trying desperately to erase DEI, trying to make this an America of the 1950's when the old white man ruled the world. Unfortunately, people are either too shocked to do anything about it, don't care or agree. The whole MAGA dogma is about turning control back over to white men, whether they are mentally competent to run things or not. Case in point, the Grand Cheeto or Convict-in Chief. What an incredible buffoon. Yet still people hear and listen to him. He is so incredibly stupid. He actually thinks he's a good person. Meanwhile, I'm thinking past governments both foreign and domestic would have had him taken care of by now. I guess it's true, you just can't get good help anymore. 

I've decided that the only way for me to get ahead is to leave this country. I'd like to move overseas and live out my days peacefully with my cats, dogs and a few horses. I'm not sure exactly where, but I really like the idea of living in the English countryside. I'd win a very nice lottery amount and buy a manor house and live in the country. I know England is just as racist as America, but they have nicer country and they need rich, obnoxious Americans to buy some lordships and maintain their old sense of entitlement. Of course, I'll never grace their tea parties, but they'll have me over for galas for charitable events. I'll out snob them, because I am so very bougie. lol 

So today I've recognized my blackness. Maybe tomorrow I'll investigate my love of Italian food or Kosher pickles. There is talk that my great grandmother was once married to a Jewish man. I don't know if my grandfather is a result of that union as she was a rather loose woman. But O Vey!!! 

Peace, Joy, Love - Queen B   

Sketches of a Bipolar Girl: A Little Good News

 

So, a lot has been happening this week. First off, we have a new pope. Pope Leo XIV, used to be Robert Francisco Prevost. The first American pope in the Church's history. He seems nice. It appears that he is following Pope Francis's direction. He is going to continue to reach out to the world and spread the message of loving one another and saving our planet. He's also spent some time in my old stomping grounds of the Philadelphia suburbs. Specifically, he has a mathematics degree from Villanova University. Which is good, because from what I understand, the Church finances are a mess. He had leadership roles in the Church, he knows everyone well. I don't pretend to know a lot about him or the Church mechanisms. I just know I feel good about it. 

Also, I had my surgery last Thursday, and it went well. I ended up staying overnight for observation. I came home on Friday afternoon. Unfortunately, I got a incidental infection in my left parotid salivary gland. I got up on Sunday and it hurt on the left side of my face, but by Sunday afternoon it was swollen to the size of a tennis ball. I called the nurse line for my insurance company, and she suggested I go to urgent care, which I did. I got some antibiotics and was told to follow up with my PCP or my ENT. I decided to go to my ENT, and she gave me a different antibiotic and referred my for a Cat Scan, which I have on Tuesday the 13th. Seems I have a small growth, or some kind of blockage. Because, I've had this infection 3 other times they want to check it out structurally. 

Because of the infection I didn't work Monday, Tuesday or Wednesday. I went back to work yesterday. I worked my full shift both days. I'll lose money, but I don't care too much. I have to take care of myself. 

I signed up for Live Well at work and got myself a life coach. I guess I should find another therapist, but I'm not sure what I need her to do. I guess I just need someone to bounce some things off of once in a while. Sometimes, when I try to talk to April and Erica, I get these blank stares and they ask me about the last time I talked to a therapist. With a life coach, I figure I can learn to balance the things that are going on and what I'm feeling. 

I have a lot going on right now. I have mental, emotional and financial challenges. I've been dealing with the mental shit for 45 years. Emotionally, I'm just trying to stay balanced, especially with the physical issues that have been going on. I've been meeting some pretty major goals. I did stop smoking. It'll be a year in August, and I'm going back to school. This time I'm going to finish. I'm going to get my BA in English. I'm going to Georgia Southern University. I'm entering as a senior, so I should only have to meet the requirements for my major to graduate. I'm hoping to get my degree next year, but like I said, I still am trying to figure out what credits are all transferrable. My advisor is working on that for me. 

It's Mother's Day weekend. Normally, I'm very emotional at this time. I used to get mad with all the Mother's Day advertisements. But not so much this year. I posted on Facebook already wishing everyone a happy day regardless if a human parent or a fur parent. I'm a mother to Zelda. She's 12 pounds of black and white crazy kitty that relies on me for everything. I can't sleep without her. She is my soul pet. She turned 5 on Sunday the 4th. I'll probably post my mom's picture on Sunday. 

I got April a gift. I got her a cherry blossom ring. It cost $130 and Erica said she'd go in on it with me. She's also paying for her mom to get her hair did on Saturday at Ulta. So, I hope she has a nice day. She's a good mom. She's a good sister, even though I hate her guts sometimes and call her a bitch under my breath. 

Well, I guess that's all. So, while things have been all over the place lately, there is a little good news out here. You just have to look for it. I'm still trying stay positive. So, I'm still looking for it. Fortunately, my butt doesn't hurt too bad, and I am able to sit for a while. Of course, I still have my pain meds that I take every 6 hours. It starts to scream if I wait too long. 6 hours is just the right amount of time. I also am walking around the house and walking the dog more often to keep up my circulation and keep from getting stiff. Kyber enjoys the more outdoor time. I really love him. He's a great dog, even if he does have some neuroses. lol. Zelda was a bit combative today, but she's been curled up on the chair for the better part of the day. She got in trouble earlier for terrorizing Zaybra. But then she just conked out.

Well, so long for now. Happy Mother's Day. Peace, Joy, Love - Queen B