It has been 3 months since I went to bed. I slept all day and all night.
I didn't even get up to smoke. I abandoned light, drawing my curtains tight.
My sweet mother woke me up once a day so I would eat something.
The rest of the house was too bright too loud. I did not linger.
I saw my doctor and therapist weekly. I wore my pajamas. I did not bathe regularly.
I despised the sight of myself. Teeth covered with film, breath smelling foul
My blood pressure and blood sugar went unregulated. I did not care if I died. That was the point.
I did not go inpatient as I was inpatient three times in 2018. Once, I was committed against my will.
After many medication changes, and outpatient sessions, I am on the verge of bankruptcy.
I cannot afford to get sick. I am constantly borrowing money from my family to squeak by as it is.
However, last week something happened. I looked in the mirror, and I saw a tiny sparkle in my eye.
There was a medication change eight weeks ago, so I guess it finally took effect.
We also took in a foster dog. I am trying, but failing, not to fall in love with him, but he is perfect.
I hope I keep feeling this way. I do not want to go back down that black hole.
It's only been a week. I just woke up.
peace, joy, love
B
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