Lost Feelings: Please Advise If Found

I often look back on my life and wonder "what happened?"  When was the moment it all started to go so wrong?  I have survived my childhood as ugly as it was.  I look back on most of those years with a great deal of pleasure.  But, I think that is my selective memory.  There are lots of chunks of my life I simply don't remember.  Moments too traumatic for my mind to process.  I guess that's when I learned to become invisible. 

I remember a lot of rage in adolescence.  I would fly off the handle at the slightest provocation. I didn't get along with my siblings and had no respect for adults.  I told off one of my teachers.  It resulted in a one week in school suspension.  There was a lot going on at home, mainly with my mother.  She was in a full blown psychotic episode.  She was talking to herself and saw Jesus in our laundry room.   I hated her for being sick. I wasn't too crazy about my dad then either.  He was working all the time, and couldn't handle anything.  I know now, he did the best he could, but it wasn't enough.

All my sister did was have private dance parties.  The latest R & B music could be heard blaring from her room, her fingers snapping loudly.  My brother was a pot-head.  He listened to heavy metal and got stoned all the time.  Me?  I just stayed in my room, surrounded by the noise and did my homework.  Sometimes, I marvel that I got anything done.  I would tune everything out and disappear into my world of books.

I know now that it was all due to the bipolar.  The mood swings, the isolation, all the negative thoughts were because I was a kid desperately in trouble.  Most people think that's just normal teenage behaviour.  Some of it is, but normal teenagers don't scratch up their faces and arms, or burn themselves with cigarette lighters.

I was raped when I was 14.  I didn't say anything because I had lost my voice by then.  It was a family member.  He was stronger than me.  Not that I put up much of a fight, I mean that's all I was good for, right?  I can still feel his hands on me.  I just laid there, and disappeared.  I told my parents at the same time I told them about the molestations.  I felt ashamed, dirty and terribly afraid they wouldn't love me anymore.

I guess these are the moments that left so much wreckage in my life.  There have been some flowers along the pathway.  It hasn't all been bad.  It just seems like every time I'm doing well, I have a bipolar episode.  Right now, I am in a depression.  I cannot concentrate, I have no motivation, and I have isolated myself.  I have no feelings about anything.  I have not cried, laughed, screamed or expressed any emotion for six weeks.  I'd even settle for an anxiety attack.  At least I would be feeling something.  I am utterly numb.  I wonder when the feelings will come back. Perhaps, I have disappeared so often, that this time I can't come back.  Oh well, you know what they say, fake it 'til you make it.  I'll just pretend to be a real person for now.  

Rambling Thoughts

It's a terrible thing to not be able to concentrate.  I don't feel anxious about anything that I can think of, yet my brain does not seem able to hold a thought long enough to think about it.  My mind is a blur, thoughts whizzing all around. My reading comprehension is so horrible that it has been a few days since I picked up my bible with any real confidence,  I see the words but they make no sense.

It is the same when I watch TV.  I hear what they are saying, but it holds no interest, and makes no sense.  I am trying desperately to hold on to my words long enough to write this blog.  This is a new thing.  It's never happened like this before.  I am usually in an anxious state when I feel this.  I am not anxious, at least to my way of understanding. 

What I am is completely bored.  I have plenty to do.  I have my books from the library.  I have a Christmas ornament I can make. It just arrived in the mail the other day.  It's a beaded ornament, very intricate and pretty.

I am also quite possibly depressed.  I've been wearing my old worn out "depressed" clothes.  I haven't fixed my hair or worn earrings.  It took 2 hours for me to talk myself into bathing.  I have spent the majority of the last month in my room.  I take my medication around 7:30 just so I can bring an end to a tedious day.  OK, I am depressed.  At least I see my doctor on Thursday, we'll probably adjust something.  Hooray for the medicine go-around. 

I had been feeling good.  I started doing some exercise, got a little energy.  It didn't last long though.  I am good after exercising, but the next day would back to square one.  I saw my family doctor and she said that diet and exercise would be all I needed to feel better.  All my blood work came back normal.

I wanted to go for a walk today, but kept forgetting about it.  I have my nightgown on now, so forget it.  I will try again tomorrow.  I realize I always say that, but that's just how I am;  The Great Procrastinator!!  I used to act on ideas right away, but not anymore.  Now, everything takes days or weeks to prepare.  I wonder what happened to me.  It's Memorial Day weekend already, and I have only read 1 book out of 4 I had planned on reading.

I don't know how I am going to plan the family reunion next summer.  It shouldn't be too hard, but that's what I always say then find myself overwhelmed.  Maybe that's what I'm stressing about.  Already?  Hmm, when it comes to worrying, I don't play around.

I wish we had a cat.  A big soft black and white tuxedo that was laying next to me.  We would have to decide on a name, if he didn't come with one.  I heard my aunt mention it the other day.  Maybe she is softening up on the animal ban.

Speaking of animals, I signed my first petition on a issue concerning animals.  It's all about getting stiffer penalties for animal abusers.  I have a very strong opinion on the matter.  I feel that animal abuse should be a felony, with minimal jail time on 1 year and a $2500 fine, even for the first offense.

Abuse resulting in death of an animal should be 5-10 years and a $5000 fine depending on the nature of the offense.  All convicted offenders should go on a national registry so they could never own or have care of another animal.  It may seem harsh, but I feel that someone who would abuse an animal is demonstrating that he/she is unfit to live in civilized society and should be removed from society.  I hope it passes.

Talked to my dad today. Sent his dog a new bed and some foot wipes.  I truly adore my father and am in love with the dog.  I should have gone up there this month.  I still can, I just have to get school all set first.  

Sent away for a body donation package at one of the state's medical schools.  I just want a funeral, and then donate my body to science.  I'll see if it costs anything, and how they cremate the remains when they are done with the body.

Well, I guess that's it.  I've been watching The Hobbit for the past couple of nights.  Tonight is the last of the three;  The Battle of the Five Armies.  So far it's been pretty on par with the books, except there have been several elaborations.  But, I haven't read all of Tolkien's works on Middle earth, so I can't say for sure if they are true flights of fancy on the parts of the filmmakers, just the book.

 Until next time, Peace, Joy, Love -

Bev

Coffee, Cigarettes and Gandalf

I wrote several days ago about becoming smoke free.  So far it hasn't happened.  I went a whole day without cigarettes, only to find myself at the store buying a pack.  It will be my last pack I tell myself.  But then I run out of them, and it's back to the store.  I have prayed about it.  I have tried to talk myself out of it, but it's no use.  I have to have them with my coffee.  A day without coffee is just not going to happen.  I like smoking.  I like holding the cigarette in my hand.  I like inhaling and feeling the sting burn my tongue.

I am both physically and psychologically addicted.  I am also addicted to caffeine.  I love my coffee with cream and sweetener.  I use artificial sweetener because of the diabetes.  For that reason alone, I know I shouldn't smoke.  I'll probably end up with heart disease or having a heart attack or stroke.  What's my problem?  Why do I do this disgusting thing to myself? 

Frankly, smoking calms down my anxiety.  I would do anything to avoid an anxiety attack.  When I have one, I feel like I'm dying.  I have tried meditation, but I can't get my brain to stop whirling long enough to feel the effects.  That's one of the reasons I can't work right now.  I have the attention span of about an hour and a half.  That's why it's taking me so long to read a book.

I'm reading The Lord of the Rings; The Two Towers.  Ordinarily, I could polish that book off in 2 days.  It's been 2 weeks.  I want to read it now, but I am not in the right mood. I thought I was in the mood to exercise, but I could only do that for 10 minutes.  I got bored.  Right now, I would like some cheesecake, but can't for 2 reasons.  We don't have any, and I am on a low calorie diet. 

Great. I just got yelled at by my mom for ordering things from Publisher's Clearing house.  She yelled at me like I was 12.  It's my money, I spend it however I please.  I don't ask her for money for anything.  I pay my bills on time. WTF??I guess I will spend the rest of the day in my room with the door closed, because now I am ashamed and depressed.  Seems like no matter what I do there's no pleasing someone.  I'm always on somebodys nerves.  Just had to get some more coffee and a cigarette to get over that humiliation.  Why didn't I say anything?  What difference would it make.  I'm just a child in everyone's eyes. NO ONE in my family treats me like an adult.  I'll always be poor pitiful Bev, who must be looked after.  OK, fine! When I win my millions, don't look at me for help.  That's a lie.  The first thing I'll do if I win millions is share it with my family.  I guess I am a child.  A stupid little kid having a tantrum.  I'll open the packages some other time.  I mostly order gifts for other people anyway.  I guess I'm addicted to online shopping too.

I really hate shopping in stores.  Plus, when it's online it's nearly always available.  I ordered a Christmas ornament kit, and some books too.  It's not always stupid stuff.  I don't hear any complaints when I hand it out.  I am a giver.  I love to give things to people.  I like to see the looks on their faces when the open the box or hear reactions over the phone when they open the box.  OK, I guess I'll cut back on my shopping for now.

I miss my sister.  When she is around, I always feel good,  She is a good talker and listener.  She was here for my 50th birthday last year.  It was great.  She's an extrovert.  Not like me at all,  I kinda like to observe, she goes out and does. I have an overwhelming feeling to see my dad,  He doesn't judge me or criticize me.  I love being with him.  Maybe I should go see him.  Or is that just an escapism reaction to my mother's harsh words.  Father's Day is next month.  My summer classes are online so I could do the assignments up there.  It wouldn't be a big deal. 

I feel so stupid right now.  Guilt and shame have crept into my brain and I have a knot in my stomach.  I want to take my pills and go to bed.  I love bedtime.  Maybe I should pray the Rosary.  Maybe that will help me feel better.  Oh the glories of being bipolar!!!  Every minute a different mood.  Why do a few words cut me to the quick?  Why do I let them?  I wish I could talk to Mary.  Mary is my therapist.  She would put me to rights. I think I'll go to bed at 5 PM, it's only 3:25PM now.  The blog has me on pacific time.  I don't know how to change it.

I wrote a letter to my Uncle Steve this week.  He lives in Texas.  It wasn't much, just a check in since he doesn't call much.  Nobody calls anymore unless we are planning something or someone is sick.  OK, this is getting ridiculous.  I am about to start crying.  I think I'll end now, and read for a while.  Maybe Gandalf can take me away from myself for a while.  I don't think I'll be able to sleep now anyway.  Too much coffee and cigarettes.   

Peace, Love, Joy - Bev 

Groove Thang

I am not one for exercise.  If I was, I wouldn't be the fat girl I am today.  I hated gym class.  For reasons still unknown to me, I played field hockey and softball in middle school.  I also threw the javelin one year in high school, and 3 years in the marching band.  I got plenty of exercise, but I was still a size 14. Maybe I did it because all my friends were.  It also looked good on a college application.  Sometimes, I had fun, but most of the time not.  

I hated running with a passion.  I was slow and clunky.  In my mind, I was lithe and graceful.  But in reality I had all the grace of a lame horse.  At the end of track practice, the coach always made me run a mile.  I could never finish it without walking.  I remember I did do a very slow jog for the whole thing, the way he reacted was incredible.  You'd have thought I had broken an Olympic record.  I never really appreciated it until just this moment.  There was actually someone out there who was cheering me on, trying to get me to do my best.  I knew I was awful at the javelin.  I had no grace, no style, but I'm glad I tried it. 

One thing I was always good at was the dance workout classes.  I loved the way the music made me feel.  I took ballet one year, but it was too expensive so I had to stop.  Sometimes, I wonder what would have happened if I hadn't stopped.  Would I have a dancer's disciplined body?  Probably with my luck, I would have developed an eating disorder.  Bipolar, anxiety, eating disorder; sounds like the making of a TV movie.

Anyway, the reason I bring up dancing, is that that's what I've decided to do for exercise.  I found a Pandora station for dance cardio, and I am just going to spend some time in my room shaking my groove thang.  Of course, I'll need to warm it up and stretch it out; don't want to sprain my thang!

I have not been motivated to go walking or anything, and this I can do in my room, basically private. I can hardly wait until tomorrow!!  I'll let you know how it goes.  There's no routine yet, just me freestyle.  I weigh myself on Thursday, I hope I lost at least a pound.  The trumpet has sounded.  The battle of the bulge has officially begun!!!!!

Smoke Free

I stopped smoking today. As a matter of fact it's been 3 hours since my last cigarette.  I tried to quit on Wednesday, but gave in to the craving.  Tonight, even though it is only 7:21PM I have put on my jammies, tied up my hair, and brushed my teeth.  It would take a great deal of effort to go to the store now.  If I can make it through the night, I should be able to hold out until tomorrow morning.

That's the real test, coffee without a cigarette. I hope I can keep it together.  I really don't want to take another pill.  I've tried the patch, the lozenges, they all threw me into fits.

The only other time I quit cold turkey was after my car accident.  I was in the hospital for 10 days and in rehab for 10 days. I didn't have much choice but to quit.  Besides, I was on some very fine pain killers, so I didn't care.

I wonder how long this get healthy kick will last.  I hope I can keep it up, because I really do want to change my outside.  I've already been working on the inside, and that seems to be going well.  So, there you have it.  I have put it out there in the universe.  I am going smoke free,  I want white teeth, fresh breathe, and no stains on my fingers.  My hair will smell better, and I won't have to drive with all the windows open to smoke in the car. Maybe I can get back some stamina too.  

Good luck to me and may God have mercy upon me.

Peace, Love, Joy

Bev

Confessions of a Fat Girl

I am fat. There I said it. I used to use words like overweight, heavy or chubby.  But, I must simply state the real truth, I am a fat girl. I am not plus sized, or curvy.  My curves faded away a long time ago.  I have large breasts, that's true, but there is no perkiness left in them. They droop downwards, nipples facing the floor.  I have no butt to speak of, I never did.  My butt is flat.  My belly is very large, with an apron that hangs low.  

I went to the doctor on Thursday and discovered of the 65 lbs. I lost last year, I have put 50 lbs. back on.  Lucky for me, I didn't get rid of all my fat clothes. I am wearing them again.  

It's my own fault.  Years of unhealthy food habits, no exercise and love of sweets has put me where I am.  I eat very well during the day.  I stay within the calories on my diet plan, but after 8 PM, I run into trouble.  If I am feeling lonely, which is often, bored or unloved, I turn to food.  It started when I was little.  I was a skinny little kid.  But then, I got molested, bullied and had no one to talk to.  Nothing cures the blues like 4 slices of cinnamon toast and chocolate milk.  There were also cookies, ice cream, pies and cakes.  No one checked my eating. As for my fat, when I was younger I was told I would grow out of it.  Then puberty hit.  

I was 10 years old when I got my period.  It was gross, embarrassing and painful.  The sugar cravings were well established by then, so I would just eat until the pain went away.  By the time I was twelve years old, I weighed 140 lbs.  

All of my friends were still flat-chested and skinny.  I had big boobs, a round belly and had to carry a purse.  I hated myself.  The self hatred never really left.  Just this week, I was telling myself how ugly I was and that no one would ever want a short fat girl like me.  But then I look around me and see some very big, unattractive women with a man.  I usually end up thinking that it simply must be me.  I mean if that fat girl has a boyfriend, why can't I?

Then I feel guilty for feeling that way, and think even more that it must just be me. I have a pretty face, and nice hair.  It's just from the neck down that I hate.  They say you can't love someone else until you love yourself.  Well, I guess I won't because I don't.

I know that inside of me there is a pretty, desirable, 150 lbs. me clamoring to get out.  She just can't find her way out from all the blubber.

So, I started a fitness program.  I signed up on the the Supertracker on the USDA website. It tracks my caloric intake, daily food recommendations, and activity.  Like I said I do well until bedtime.  Then it's like I turn into a garbage disposal.  I must have had 10 cookies last night, along with a piece of fried chicken.  

Trying to balance all of this with my blood sugar isn't easy.  Some mornings I don't do a reading because I know it will be high because of what I ate the night before.  I am not doing a good job of taking care of my diabetes.

I hate exercise, but I know I have to do it, if I am going to reach my goal weight of 175lbs.  So, I got up early and went for a walk. I walked for 45 minutes and hated every minute of it.  I have a bad right leg from a car accident in 2012, so I can't really walk that fast, but I have to push my self to get my heart rate up.  I also have to quit smoking.  I need help with that.  I thought I could do without cigarettes, and smoked my last one last night.  But I caved later this morning and went and bought another pack. No wonder I got winded.  I wish I was like my cousins, all of them are at a good weight.  But, I can't wish myself thin, I have to work at it.  I'm going to; I want to see my father this Christmas, and would love to see him as a size 14, with lots of luck and hard work maybe even a 12.

I need a car so I can go to Planet Fitness.  I need a personal workout plan.  I kind of know what to do, I just don't want to.  I need a motivator.  Maybe I'll pull out that little black dress I bought, that is way too small.  It came from China, and a 2x in China is NOT the same as a 2x in the US. 

I guess I must enlist the aid of God the Father Almighty.  I think prayer is all that's going to help me.

I wish I was a Mother

Yesterday was Mother's Day.  For a gift, I got my mom flowers, and some salon hair care products.  I did her hair for her.  She looked so pretty, he long soft curls cascading to her shoulders.  I forgot to take a picture.  Her hair is black and silver.  Not the yellowy, gray kind, but the shining white hair tha to have when I get older.  It is down to her shoulders for she inherited her hair from my grandmother, who had Native American blood on her side.

I didn't go to church with her and my aunt.  I guess in hindsight I should have gone on Sunday morning, but I went to mass on Saturday night as usual.  We did go out to eat for a late brunch at a place called The Epicurean Restaurant.  I had two huge pancakes, turkey sausage, two scrambled eggs, and grits.  Needless to say I didn't have to eat for the rest of the day.  Mom had a chicken Caesar salad, which she didn't finish because it was so big.  But, I've noticed she hasn't been finishing a lot of her meals lately.  I am keeping an eye on it. 

My brother and sister both called her, and my sister even sent a gift.  I don't know what it is, I haven't looked in the box yet.  My brother didn't send anything.  He calls pretty regularly though, and my mom is happy that he is doing well.

I was my normal melancholy self.  Mother's Day is a hard day for me, because I have always wanted children, but since I never married I don't have any.  Now, I am perfectly aware that you don't have to be married to have children.  Back before I was a Christian, I even tried to get pregnant on purpose but to no avail. I even went the artificial insemination route, but my ovaries were underachievers. Plus, the hormones put me right on the edge. So, I gave up trying to go it alone.  So I began to shop for a husband and father type of guy.  No luck.  

I always wanted at least four children.  I wanted a house full of laughter and chaos. I even named my children;  Ellora Dannin, Jared Edward, Darius James, Aurora Rose.  I have names for more if I had more.  Now that I am catholic, I think I would have had eight kids. Laurel Louise, Vivien Marie, Eleazar Thomas, and Sixtus Stephen; those are the other four.  We also would have had a dog named Rufus and a cat named Chaka Khan. Also, we would have had various fish and maybe a bunny.  I'm telling you my house would have been a zoo! Kids all over the place, animals all around, plus the smell of fresh baked cookies and fresh flowers from my garden.  You must understand, when I have these thoughts, I am usually manic, so I can do it all.  Of course, I would have a housekeeper! I am not stupid.  I don't know who my husband is, but he is wise, kind, funny, loves his children and me, coaches the soccer team and is very active at church.  

But all this dreaming makes me sad now.  Even if I did get married, there are no babies, unless God chooses to bless me in my old age as he did St. Elizabeth.  I suppose we could adopt and/or foster but I don't think anyone would give me a child with my medical history.  I'm just getting on my feet again financially.  It's nice to think about every once in a while though.

I think I would have been a great mom.  All my kids would gather around and I would read them my favorite books, I'd take piano lessons.  There'd be fresh baked goods ever week, and I would have a Costco or Sam's Club membership to buy in bulk.  We would live in a great big old house with a big yard and a garden.  The kids would always be outside, no cellphones or Facebook for them.  I want my kids to get dirty.  They would be kind and courteous and know their manners.  

Of course I know I would be exhausted all the time, but there would be moments of exhilarating joy too.  I wish, I wish, I wish......

Don't get me wrong, I'm a great aunt.  But I have always wanted to be, and always will want to be a MOTHER.   

Dear God

Dear God,

It's me, again.  Something is wrong with me.  I feel forlorn. I don't know what to do.  I talked to my dad yesterday and that normally makes me happy.  This time it didn't.  I'm thinking of going to visit him before classes start again.  Maybe I would feel something then.  I don't feel anxious, I don't feel sad really.  I am just here, breathing in and out. I know I should thank you with every breath I take, but I don't.  My first thought when I wake up is not "Thank You, Jesus!!"  It's more like " NOOO, it can't be morning already!"

If I didn't have to pee right away, I probably wouldn't get up until noon.  I do look forward to our bible time together.  I enjoy reading your Word.  It nourishes me. But after that the day is kind of boring. I have no local friends here.  I have my Facebook friends and a few phone numbers, but I never call.  My niece and nephew only seem to call when they need something.  Other than that I don't hear from them.  My sister never calls me.  Neither does my brother.  He calls my mom.  I guess that's good.  I guess I could write a couple of letters tomorrow.  I have to type them since my handwriting is so bad.

Sometimes, I really wish I had a job, so at least I could have some work friends.  Really, God, I think it's just me.  I have become so wrapped up in avoiding pain that I have blocked out love too.  I prayed to you about it, on several occasions.  I cried on your shoulder, but I didn't hear what you said to do. 

You did not create man to be alone.  If it weren't for mom and Aunt Berta, I would be alone.  Then what?  I would probably become one of those people who talks to themselves.  I used to talk to myself.  That was when I was actually pretending to be someone else.  Imagining the conversations I would have with my husband or lover at the time.  I've had so many lovers in my imagined life.  None of them were perfect.  They all possessed a fatal flaw.  

I wonder why even in my dreams I am unhappy.  Seems rather pointless to dream, if the dream ends so badly doesn't it? I guess you know the answer to that riddle.  When I finally let Christ into my heart, the dreams ended better.  I wish there was some way to hug Jesus.  I guess I could hug myself, but that doesn't bring much relief.  I've tried it.

I need a massage. A nice long deep tissue massage to get out all of the toxins in my body.  Followed by a big bottle of ice cold water and a hot shower.  That would really feel good.  Maybe I'll get one with my next check.  That and find a chiropractor.  I need to find a dentist too.  I can finally afford dental insurance.  It's been 4 years since my last cleaning.  Guess, I better start flossing better.  I also bought some life insurance.  Now, in case or when I die, I don't have to worry about my bills or anything.  I made my sister my beneficiary.  Yeah, the one who doesn't call.  She works 2 jobs, so I guess I can't blame her.  She's busy during the week and on weekends.  

I've decided to leave my body to scientific research, so after the funeral mass, it's off I go.  I'd like to have my brain studied, as well as my liver and kidneys to see what if any the affects of the drugs have had on these organs.  The is a medical school not far from here.  I'll inquire about a donor package tomorrow.  

God, I pray to you all the time, and I know you hear me.  So, please just listen for one minute.  I do not want to outlive my parents.  I couldn't take losing either one especially my mom.  I adore my father and even though he is 80, let him live to 100, so I can go first.  I'm sure something will happen to me anyway.  I live on coffee and cigarettes.  I'm too fat and have diabetes type 2.  I'll probably have a stroke or heart attack.  I'll try to lose weight and get some exercise if you'll help me. Maybe it's not too late.  I don't know. 

Anyway, if you could make tomorrow a good day for me I would appreciate it.  I love You.  In Jesus's Holy Name I pray, Amen.  Good Night God, please watch over me as I sleep.  Thank You.

Peace Love Joy

Bev

the Shower

I need to take a shower and wash my hair.  Not a big deal for most people, but it is for me.  Right now, I'm kinda depressed.  When I am depressed I do not do my ADLs (activities of daily living).  That is one of the symptoms of depression, lack of hygiene.  When I am manic, I shower 2 or 3 times a day.  Mostly just to calm down, and try and retain a thought.

It started 4 days ago.  I think that is the last time I bathed.  I did brush my teeth today though.  It took a lot of effort.  It feels like the toothbrush weighs 5 lbs. The noise of brushing, oh my poor ears! 

I hate taking off my clothes and looking at my lumpy body in the mirror.  I try not to look.  I hate my body.  I have a fat stomach, saggy boobs and a flat ass.  I also have scars all over from my various surgeries.  I have 2 tattoos, a lion's head on my left arm, and a wolf paw on my back. 

I want to get the butterfly semicolon tattoo, but I'm not sure yet. Maybe I will make it a reward for losing those pesky 50 lbs. this year.  

I was doing pretty well with weight loss, but then it just stopped.  I see my doctor next week so I'll talk to her about it.  The diabetes doesn't help.  Plus, I am almost positive something is up with my thyroid.  I've been cold all this spring.  I sleep with 2 comforters on my bed. 

I like the actual taking of the shower.  I like to let the hot water beat on my tense shoulders.  I like the soap we use.  It doesn't dry my skin out.  But, I do hate washing my hair.  I hate it. When, I am depressed it is a loathsome chore.  Fortunately, black people don't need to wash their hair that often. I wash mine once a week.  It has to do with oil production.  I can't explain it to you.  It's a black thing.

I will do my best to take a shower and wash my hair tomorrow.  But, I'm not making any promises.

Peace, Love, Joy

Bev