Sketches of a Bipolar Girl: I Don't Want to Thanks

     

I wish I could say that I was doing exciting things, but the fact is, I'm not. A kind of boredom has crept into my life that is not unfamiliar. It's one of the symptoms of depression. Loss of interest and lack of motivation are plaguing me right now. I have things to do. I just don't feel like it. This of course, causes people to think that I am just lazy. I was starting to think that about myself, but it's not true. 

I start each day at 7:30 am when my alarm goes off. On Mondays and Wednesdays, I take Kyber to doggy daycare. After that, I have breakfast. Sometimes it's good and healthy, sometimes it's crap like I had this morning. I make my bed, take a shower (not today) and get dressed for my day. I try to look good everyday by fixing my hair and putting on a cute outfit, but lately, I just  don't seem to give a rat's ass. Today, it's a t-shirt and pajama pants. 

I did paint my nails and gave myself a facial, so I'm not a total mess. I had to make the bed today, otherwise I would have climbed back in and slept the day away like I did yesterday. It was April's birthday yesterday. I got her an official Eagles jersey. She loved it. Didn't get a hug though. I think my sister hates being touch in an affectionate manner. But that's her issue not mine. 

As far as things I can do with myself, I can always clean or write another chapter in my book. I have a scrapbook of my aunt to finish. I can clean out my closet and give some clothes to the Good Will. I have muffins I could bake for tomorrow's breakfast. I could read, pray or take a way. I just don't have any motivation to do any of those things. My concentration is so bad, I can't even watch TV. Not that there's much on anyway. 

Here's something that has me perplexed. My brother cut me off last month, right. How about he sent me $75 twice. I haven't spoken to him since that infamous email, but he sent me money. Isn't that wild? 

I've a few job interviews, but nothings happening. There is a job I would like a pharmaceutical company that starts in September. I applied for it through a headhunter. I'm hoping I get it. Pay starts at $20/hour. Otherwise, it's back to Delta Dental for me. I do not want to go back, but I may have to as rent must be paid. 

I'm filing for bankruptcy this week. I have over $20K in debt I have to pay off. I spend more that I make. Oh well, I don't really care anymore. But then again, I could win the billion dollar Mega Millions tomorrow. Wouldn't that be a dream come true? I'd still have problems, but money wouldn't be one. I'd pay off all our bills, and then disappear for a year. Maybe we'll move to Wyoming. Hmm. I could start my store Stuff-n-Things, Erica could open her comic book shop, and I could start my fund for pets in need of medical care. 

I'm not giving my family money, except for Jerald to pay back the car loan, and the rent he's paid for us. Otherwise that's it. I'm going to by a storybook cottage for myself and get a new Rogue. Finally, I'll be able to get a dog and another cat. Hmm, it's nice to think about anyway. 

That's all for now. Peace, Joy, Love - B 

Sketches of a Bipolar Girl: The Unquiet Mind

 

My brain has been spinning out of control for 3 weeks. I've have experienced racing thoughts, irritability, and suicidal ideations continuously. Fortunately, the suicidal ideations and thoughts of self harm have stopped for the time being. Also, I am not paranoid or experiencing hallucinations or delusions. I'm just here in a desperate attempt to keep my mind occupied.

Why am I spinning? I don't know. But, my thoughts don't always go around. Sometimes, they go laterally or horizontally. I'm travelling through time in my thoughts. I have vivid dreams of my family members running in all directions. I can see them, but they can't see me. I can hear them, but they can't hear me. I'm trying to figure out if I am actually still a member of this family or if I have finally been left behind. 

The other night, I had a dream about my mom. She was on her death bed and I was saying goodbye. It ended tenderly, but I woke up talking to her. I didn't feel her when I woke up. I have not felt her by my side for quite some time. 

I have also been dreaming about my past holidays. Joyous occasions where everyone is gathered, laughing and talking, exchanging gifts. I stand there watching, but there are no gifts for me. I am a shade watching the activities, like Scrooge. 

I don't want to be a shade. But that's exactly what reality would be if I did succeed in my suicide attempt. Maybe that is how my eternity would be spent, my own version of hell. I would be surrounded by family only to them I don't exist. 

Does it make me regret it? I honestly can't say yes. Those last days of April were not to long ago, yet it seems life a lifetime ago. I guess it was my old life. My new life is spent keeping a gratitude journal, writing my book, and writing letters. Writing, always writing. I exercise my brain this way, I want to keep it sharp and prepared. Prepared for what? I don't know. I've always thought I was a good conversationalist once I get past my social anxiety. I've been trying to push past that. The truth is I like to talk. It's just that I'm not one to talk for hours on end about the mundane. 

I've been trying to read more as well as write. My concentration, however, has been damaged and my memory as well. I can watch maybe 20 minutes of a TV program or movie. I can only sit still when I write. I can remember what I did yesterday, but not what I did or said 3 days ago. Part of it's the damage done by ECT all those years ago. Some is just the course of the disease. It may also have something to do with the medications I'm on right now. I would like to see an MRI of my brain just to see which parts are lit up when I feel good as opposed to depressed. 

I meditated today for about 45 minutes. It was very nice, but as soon as I was done, my brain was looking for something else to do. So, hence this blog entry. The unquiet mind is a terrible thing. I will continue to try and find peace for the rest of today. 

Peace, Joy, Love - B   

Sketches of a Bipolar Girl: Banished

 

The text call at 3:22pm today. It was my brother. He has cut me out of his life. 

i was told to get a job, any job

I wasn't allowed to have this illness anymore. 

I'm supposed to get over myself and take care of things on my own 

Mom and Dad are dead and he refuses to help me anymore

if I keep having trouble living then I should go to a permanent living facility.

he accused me of killing them by draining them

apparently if you are unable to work you are a drain on society

So here I am trying to process this information. Right now I am just stunned by this development.

It will probably hit me later on, maybe around his birthday. I'm constantly numb. 

Sketches of a Bipolar Girl : A Day in the Life

    

I am hating myself today. It's been going on for a few days now. This feeling of mediocracy and uselessness. I've been avoiding myself. I've been ignoring the phone. I spend my mornings in bed watching TV. I get up around 2 pm to shower and make my bed so it looks like I've done something. I have no drive. I feel like crying all the time. So, this is what my depression feels like. It looks like messy hair, an unwashed body and tooth crud. Why does this keep happening? Why can't I be a regular person who has a bad day and can go on living? Why does my world stop with one sad mood? 

I've come to accept the fact that I am not regular. I do not have regular moods or regular days. For those who have the regular or normal emotional states, it's a matter of some positive affirmations or shrugging off a feeling. For me, not so simple. Positive affirmations don't work for me so much. Sure, I know I am worthy of love and a good life. I've never doubted that. It's just that I have a hard time seeing it in the distance. 

I called my therapist yesterday, and we had a good session. A lightbulb did flash over my head. I've said many times that I hate my job. But, the truth is, I would hate any type of job because all I want to do is be creative. I want to act and I want to write. I have given myself until the end of August to complete my plan of finding a relatively easy job that will allow me to pursue my acting career. I am going to search for open auditions and try to pursue stage acting and rejoin Actor's Access so I can submit for background and day actor jobs. There's my task for today. Search for open auditions. It will be a little tough without headshots, but I don't care. Who knows, I may be discovered. 

I should cry today. I feel it building up. I should let it out and just get it over with. I also should take a shower and wash my hair, but quite frankly, I don't want to. I'll spend a little time trying to do my search, then I don't know. I don't have any food, so I guess I can't eat today. Oh well. I'm tired now. 

Maybe I'll go through my workbooks  from all my hospital stays. Yippee. 

Peace, Joy, Love - B 

Sketches of a Bipolar Girl: The Family Way

 

Something is happening with my family. It seems they notice me. I mean they know I'm alive. I'm not just some haunted figure floating in the background of their conversations. I, it seems, have something to say, and they want to hear it. I know that to some it may seem like this is what I wanted all along, but it's not. I have never lacked attention from my family until recent years with my sister. I did at times feel unheard by the world, but never by my family. They've all been a phone call away. 

I suppose this new revelation has come about because I am finally speaking up. I'm doing more things with April and Erica because I make myself present. I approach them with conversations and participate in some of the things they do. I think because I ask them, they are now more open to the idea of me coming along. I'm no longer an albatross around their necks. I am getting help for my illness and it is starting to show. 

I had 2 conversations with relatives today. The first was with my beloved Aunt Gloria. I was sitting on the couch falling into a depressed mood, when I suddenly thought of her. It's been a week since I talked to her, so I called just to hear a friendly voice and an encouraging word. She never disappoints. We talked for about 20 minutes. I relax when I hear her voice. It's like a tonic. It reminds me of my parents. They, too, were always glad to hear from me. The second call was a return call to my Uncle Dave. I don't hear from him too often, but he wanted to see how I was doing. At first, we talked about him and his health journey and his retirement. But then, the topic came around to me. He had read my posts and wanted to talk to me about it. At first, I was a bit hesitant. But then, I thought "why not?" 

So we talked about me and my grief over my parents and my subsequent suicide attempt. He was a little taken aback, but he was okay with it. I am really transparent when it comes to talking about my illness. I figure it removes the stigma and it tends to make other people feel more comfortable when they see that I'm not embarrassed. 

We had a nice conversation about life and God. I need to to lay down my burdens and stop carrying the responsibility for the world on my shoulders. He told me I am not supposed to follow the word of God but to live it. For it is through God's grace and mercy that we are here. Jesus paid for my sin already, so I need to put down my burdens, confess and acknowledge my sins and then ask for forgiveness. He reminded me that we are supposed to live in the spirit not in the flesh. I've been so busy trying to be perfect in the flesh, that it's no wonder I get so tired. So, I'm laying it all at God's feet. I give up the flesh and will live in the spirit of God. Maybe then I can finally get some rest. 

I suppose, if I stop and think about it, that's what my family has been trying to tell me my whole life. Do not live for yourself but live through Christ. That is why He died for us. I know all this really, but like most things I know when it comes to my emotions, I have a hard time translating what my head knows to what my heart believes. I think I'll stop being a scientist all the time and become a more spiritual person.   

Sketches of a Bipolar Girl: Starting Over

 

I am now 57 years old. I will be 58 years old in 45 days. Let's face it, I'm in the last chapters of my life. It occurred to me today, that this is my last shot to live the life I want. I have to change things now, if I want to enjoy these years, my twilight years. 

As I have stated before, I hate my job, so I'm seeking a new job. I also previously stated that I am an actor. No one's heard of me, and I haven't been in anything of note other than a few background jobs. But, this I do know. I am a good actor. I have it in me to do something great. Do I dream of working with some big names? Yes! Do I think of winning awards? Absolutely! However, I know I face some obstacles. But, if I apply myself, I know I can do it. 

So, there you go. That's my goal and dream. But what do I do in the meantime? Do I quit my job thereby taking a huge leap faith? My previous thought process tells me, No No Hell No! But it my present mind, I want to place my faith in God, because I believe that that is the path on which He is leading me. Faith is something I have always had in short supply. But, my conversations with Him have become more frequent. He does know my deepest desires and I must, if I call myself a true believer, follow my calling. 

How did I come to realize this? Well, I've been thinking about it a lot lately, and I went to confession on Friday. I confessed my sins, especially my suicide attempt. When I was done, I felt free. I felt closer to Him than I've ever felt in my life. I want to worship. I want to be a testament to God's mercy and grace. After all, I should have died. But, I forgot that suicide was a grave sin and my eternity would have been exceedingly unpleasant. I wouldn't have seen my parents as I wanted to do. In fact, I would have spent a great deal of time in Hell repenting my sin. That thought didn't occur to me when I took the pills. It is quite the deterrent now. 

So, I have decided instead of changing my existing life. I am going to start over. I am going to study acting in earnest. There are some books on Amazon that I want to order. Now that I have a top of the line phone, I can tape my auditions well. Also, I will be more mindful of myself. I am no longer going to be a people pleaser. I give myself the permission to say no if I want. That's a difference, a big difference. Additionally, I'm no longer going to focus on work so much. I'm just looking for a job with a decent paycheck and decent benefits. I had thought I was going to retire at Delta Dental, but no more. 

It's been difficult to separate my time at work and my time at home since I work from home. But, I am now ready to leave the house and get out in the world. Starting over means I will no longer look back at things I haven't done or not completed. I don't want a college degree anymore. I mean, I have my associates, but I no longer think I'm a failure for not having a bachelor's. I've met too many people that don't use it or found it worthless in the long run. 

Another big change is that I no longer feel the need of having a man. It just doesn't appeal to me right now. I met this guy the other day on Tik Tok. He seemed nice at first but said he couldn't call me on the phone because he may get in trouble on his job. WTF??? I am like, no thank you. Been there done that. Plus, he claimed he was working in Tampa. Anyway, Tampa is not that far from me if he wanted to meet, and if you can't call me on the phone, something stinks. So, I'm not going down that road. I'll just stay to myself and concentrate on my career and God. 

I'm still writing my book. I've got 5 chapters and 39 pages. I think it flows quite well. I don't make story notes or map it out. I just write off the top of my head according to how the story tells itself. I've been told many times that I am a good writer, so I'll see how it turns out if I ever get it finished. 

Starting over is difficult, but it's something I have to do. I have to put my trauma, my painful memories behind me and move on from my grief. But, if nothing else, it turns out I am a fighter. I never wanted to be, trust me. I get so exhausted from picking up the pieces. But I do, and I manage to put myself back together. So, here's to me, a new woman? No, just a smarter one. 

Peace Joy Love - B