Sketches of a Bipolar Girl: Reflections

 

Today is the last day of 2025. Damn, where did the year go? I remember January because it felt like it lasted for 75 days. After that, I don't remember too much until my birthday in August. I know I spent a lot of time going to the doctor. I don't remember too much else about 2025. I wonder why? 

I'm trying to think back on the year and make note of any goals I met. Unfortunately, I can't think of too much. I accomplished one big goal and that was going back to school. I completed my first semester at Georgia Southern University. I only took 2 classes, but I managed to get a B in both classes. I did this while working full-time. I also committed to my Spanish lessons. I'm still on the free plan, but I've gone 66 days straight of taking at least 1 lesson a day. I'm doing well, I think I am anyway. I am starting to think in Spanish, and dream in Spanish. I would have signed up for the super plan, but I just can't afford it right now. But, as soon as I can I will get the extended plan. 

Hmm, I made a commitment to attend Mass every week. I messed up on a big holiday. I didn't get to Mass for most of December including Christmas. I wanted to go early, but just couldn't get it together. Anyway, I'll recommit myself to attend Mass weekly for 2026. I think I'll throw in a couple of Saturday services. I did go to Mass on Ash Wednesday and Easter. I even dressed up on Easter, and bought a church hat!! I looked very cute if I may say so. I'm going to get another outfit for 2026. I wanted to get some dresses, and I found some on Amazon that I liked a lot. It's a matter of funding though. I also have to get some church shoes. Okay, basically I need to go shopping for some clothes. I haven't been shopping for a very long time. 

Oh, I made a commitment to do better at work. My attendance still sucks, and I have no PTO, but I have gotten better at my job. I'm exceeding my metrics. My adherence is ridiculous. Something like 96%. Which means that I spend most of my time in "available" and waiting in queue. I still listen to music and watch TV. I just don't get up to go smoke or go to the bathroom every hour anymore. My survey score is up also. I was getting only 12 before. I now average 13.5. I almost got 15, but I'm not complaining. My scores show my commitment to my job. I am still waiting for my level 2. Hopefully, I'll get it by March. 

I also decided to work harder on my acting career. I have a profile on Allcasting. I still have to upload a video and audio reel. Maybe I'll work on it this weekend. I need to make an introductory video about myself. Hopefully, I'll be able to pull myself together and look decent and have some privacy so I can record it. I'd get Erica to help me, but whenever I ask her anything she gets an attitude. She may be 42 soon, but she still acts like a 16 year old. She can be rather obnoxious, and sometimes I don't like her. I'm hoping to land a couple of acting jobs in 2026. My goal is to get at least 1 well-paying job. I need the money. 

Speaking of money, I don't have any. I had no success in saving money. I budget to pay bills and it works out on paper. Then, April and Erica have their hands in my wallet, and I end up not being able to pay my bills. But, I've set up payment plans, and they are supposed to come out automatically. If I could just keep my money, I'd be debt free by next year. But that's unlikely. I don't even have the rent money for tomorrow. It's going to be late again. I'm still a month behind on the electric bill. I'm paying just enough to keep my service. Well, for 2026, I am committing to my budget. As soon as I make one. I have to map everything out; who gets paid what and when. I still don't have enough money. I really need some kind of side hustle or my raise. 

I have decided that I will concentrate on my health and staying away from the doctor's office. One of the first things I'm going to do is see a dietician. I want an anti-inflammatory diet, and to lose 50 lbs. I'm currently back up to 220. I stuffed my face over the holidays. If I can lose 50 lbs, that will take me down to 170, which will be the thinnest I've ever been in my adult life. I have to start exercising. I need to do it, and I also will have to do it for my phys ed class this semester. Hopefully, I can incorporate my class requirements to a lifestyle change. I was taking Mounjuro. But, I think that is what was causing the inflammation of my joints. I haven't taken it for the past 2 weeks and I haven't had a flare-ups. I still have a little joint pain, but not like it was. 

In 2026, I'm going to take some real vacation time. I plan on going to Ohio to meet my pen pal, MJ. I'm looking at the last weekend in May. Then in the fall I'm hoping to have a family gathering in Washington DC. I'm hoping for a long weekend in September. I'm going to try and avoid any type of festivals, like the Cherry Blossoms etc. We want to see the African American History Museum at the Smithsonian. I hope I can organize it. I was looking up stuff last week, and it just made me tired. I don't know why I have to be the one to organize everything. 

I also hope to finally find somewhere to volunteer. I won't have a lot of time, since my work schedule is changing at the end of January. I'll be working from 8:15 am to 7:15 pm Monday through Thursday. I'll be off on Fridays. I just hope I can do it. Oh well, I'll just have to work it out. 

Okay, so maybe 2025 wasn't such a bust. I kept my marbles and stayed out of the hospital except for my back surgery in May. I was able to get off one of my psych meds. I just need to get my diet and diabetes under control. I'm sure it will go well. 

I have decided that 2026 is the year of Peace. I won't let anyone steal my sense of peace. I will get closer to God, work on my health, and commit to my job. Everything will fall into place. I will try to let go and let God. I will try to remove myself from worry and sadness. I will keep my heart open and let love in and let it flow from me. I will be kind and compassionate. 2026 will be a good year. 

Peace Joy Love- B 

Sketches of a Bipolar Girl: Coffee, Cigarettes and Other Bad Habits

 

So, I started smoking again. Actually, I've been smoking since October. I don't smoke much, just 5 or 6 a day. But I like it. I don't smoke everyday. I can't really afford to smoke regularly. I get my cigarettes at a little gas station in the next town over. I'm smoking Pall Mall Select menthol 100's. They cost about $5 a pack. Which is incredibly cheap. A pack of Marlboros costs about $10. I refuse to pay that much. So, I smoke the cheap stuff. 

I can stop at any time. I just don't want to. The slow drag of the cigarette is something I enjoy. It satisfies my oral fixation. I also like the rush of the nicotine to my brain. The only thing I don't like about smoking is the smell. So, I keep the fabric freshener near by. I don't know if April and Erica suspect anything. They haven't said anything. I only smoke when no one is home, and when I walk the dog. So far, it's just my dirty little secret. I kind of like it that way. 

I'm still drinking coffee, even though my psychiatrist says I should cut back. It increases my anxiety. But, I don't sleep much anymore. So, I require coffee in the morning. Lately, I've been drinking 2 cups a day. which is really not that bad. I try not to drink after 12 pm. Otherwise, sleep eludes me completely. I've had a lot of trouble with insomnia the past 2 months. I sleep maybe 4 hours. Then, I'm up around 2 or 3 am. Sometimes, I can get back to sleep, but most of the time I'm just up. Like tonight. I slept for a few hours, then I just woke up at 2. I fell asleep for another hour and half on the couch, but then I just woke up. I suppose if I try again, I could go back to sleep. But, I've just got a lot on my mind. 

Money is my biggest worry. I got paid on Friday, and am now broke. I just can't make ends meet. I'm at a loss. I applied for some part time jobs, but never heard back. I don't want to quit my job, but if I don't get my promotion soon, I'm going to have to find something else. My benefits are great, which is the main reason. 

Speaking of the job, I got a new shift starting at the end of January. I'll be working from 8:15 am to 7:15 pm, Monday through Thursday. I'll have a 3 day weekend every week. I am kind of on the fence about it. It's kind of a struggle to make it through an 8 hour day. Now, I'll have to push myself to do 10 hour days. Having Fridays off is good I guess, but we'll see. I liked those hours when I was younger. Now that I'm a cranky old lady, I don't know if it will work. 

I'm gaining weight. I guess I've gained about 10 lbs. in the past few months. My favorite oversized clothes now fit like regular clothes and my underwear is getting tight. I don't like the feeling of being bound, so most of the time, I'm uncomfortable. I hate wearing a bra. I am now at the age where comfort is the most important aspect of my wardrobe choices. I really need to exercise, but the thought of it makes me ill. I should walk everyday, but most of the time it's just a fleeting thought. I meet with the dietician next month. Hopefully, she can help me put a plan together for me. I took Mounjaro for a few weeks. I lost 4 lbs. But, I think it makes me sick. 

I've been having a lot of trouble with joint pain. It's been debilitating. I haven't had any trouble with it for about a week now. Which coincides with my not taking my shot this week. Maybe it triggers some type of auto-immune response that causes inflammation of my joints. Only my shoulders hurt now. Before, it was every joint in my body screaming at me. However, it may not be the Mounjaro. It might just be that I took about a weeks worth of prednisone, and popping naproxen everyday. I was supposed to see the doctor on the 30th, but I couldn't get the time off from work, so I had to reschedule it. 

I want to sleep with someone. Not in a sexual way, I just want to sleep with someone. I think if I could nestle in someone's arms for a while, I might actually get some rest. Of course, sex may enter the picture, but I'd have to do some work on that front. I don't get wet enough to have sex comfortably. The last time I had sex, I was bleeding for a week because my vaginal tissue is fragile. It tore. I think they make a pill for that. I don't think about sex very often anymore. I used to masturbate 3 times a week. Now, it's maybe twice a month. Sometimes, I can't even reach orgasm. Oh well, I guess I'll just be a cranky, dried up old lady with 10 cats. 

I don't have many goals for 2026. I want to get an acting job or 2. Maybe, that can be my side hustle. If I could get a part that pays a couple of thousand, I could get out from under this debt. I feel really guilty. I feel a lot of shame also. I just can't seem to get a hold of my money. I guess that should be my main goal for the year. Save money. I need to desperately, because I want to visit MJ next spring. I would also like to have a family gathering in Washington DC. That takes money. I also want to go on a church tour of Italy. I don't know if there will be one this year, but either way, I want to go. Maybe, I'll find a tour on my own. That's about $2k. I still have to get my passport. Money, money, money. Everything cost so fucking much. I can't stand it. 

Oh well, I need another cigarette. I'll be time for coffee in an hour.

Peace - B

Sketches of a Bipolar Girl: Fa La La??

 

Okay, try as I might this Christmas is going down in the books as the worst ever. There's no tree, no presents, no family, no friends, no money. It sucks. I tried to put a good spin on it, but it didn't work. So, this whole week has really been pretty bad. First off, I haven't been sleeping more than 4 hours a night. I sleep for maybe 2 hours then wake up at 2 or 3 am. Sometimes, I can get back to sleep, other times not. I can't sleep in the silence. My head takes off in all directions and I start thinking and worrying about things that make no sense and are uncontrollable. Work has been pretty ridiculous. 

I don't know why most US companies just don't close the week of Christmas. No one really cares, and I personally feel like I could be doing anything else. I mean, I would rather clean my bathroom than answer the phone on the holidays. Anyway, I did try to take off this year, but there wasn't any allowance plus I didn't have the PTO. Next year however, I am taking off the whole holiday week. I just hope I can stand to bank the PTO. 

Erica is in Jacksonville at her dad's house. I'm honestly happy for her, but let's face it. Without her here, April and I are just 2 useless old ladies. I've been going back and forth between napping and watching TV. Zelda doesn't want me to do anything. She just wants to sit on my lap. I can only do nothing for about an hour, then I have to get up and do something. I actually did some laundry. At least my bed linens are clean. 

Next year, I want to go somewhere. I want to go somewhere now. Anywhere. I am really feeling the fact that I don't have a family of my own. I have no one to spend the holidays with, no children to visit, no grandchildren to spoil. Nothing. I'm just alone. It really is bothering me. If April wasn't here, I'd really be alone. 

I didn't make it to church for most of this month. I don't know why. I just didn't get there. I'm up usually since I hardly sleep anymore. I really wish I could just sleep for eight hours uninterrupted. 

I get paid tomorrow. I also have to work tomorrow. How dumb is that? I wish I could call out, but then I wouldn't get my holiday pay. I'm short $100 this pay because of sick time. My next check should be full. Not that it matters. I have decided to se3ttle my debts this year. I set up a payment plan on my credit card accounts. All but one that is. I just need $25k and I could be debt free. I'm so tired of worrying about money. 

Well, I guess that's all for now. Merry Christmas to me. Let's make next year a year of progress. Onward to 2026. 

Sketches of a Bipolar Girl: Angels I have Heard on High

 

Well, in 6 days it will be Christmas. I'm not ready. Well, materialistically I'm not ready. My finances are such that I don't have money for presents. I sent out Christmas cards, so I guess that's about it. I didn't get gifts for April, Erica or Sean. I had hoped to make cookies for some members of the family, but my body isn't cooperating. 

I have been seized by a pain so intense as to send me back to the doctor. I had to miss work because I was in such pain. It's a deep, piercing pain in my joints. It hurts to move. I couldn't wash my hair because my shoulders hurt so bad. It hurt to hold things in my hands, which resulted in me dropping a lot of things last week. I went to the doctor this past Tuesday. I got a shot of prednisone, plus some prescriptions to help deal with the symptoms. The past 2 days have been okay, but I'm feeling my pain return. It comes in flares. There is no rhyme or reason to it. It has been happening 2 or 3 times a week for the past month. I figured it was just arthritis. I was popping Tylenol extra strength 4 times a day. Which is not good for my liver, but I couldn't take the pain. 

The doctor think it may be a job for a rheumatologist. She requested my records from the rheumatologist I saw 3 weeks ago. I may have to have more blood work depending on what my records reveal. So, I guess I'll be spending the beginning of 2026 at the doctor again. Oh what joy!! 

I've been waffling between feeling pretty well, and feeling overwhelmed with emotion. I am think a lot about the Christmases I had as a child, and all of the wonder and joy that came with it. I miss my grandmother's house and the holiday dinners and all of my cousins around. It came to me that I miss the feeling of Christmas. I wanted to try and recapture some of those feelings. That's why I wanted to send the cookies out, but physically, I'm just not able to do it. It's very disappointing. 

Christmas will be pretty quiet around here anyway. Erica is going to spend Christmas with her father in Jacksonville. I'm happy for her. After years of not speaking, she finally let him back into her life. They are much closer. David apologized for being a pretty crappy dad in her early life. They talk about those things with humor now. I don't think Erica is as haunted by some things anymore. Oh well, I'm just glad that she is having a relationship with her dad again. I would give almost anything to have another day with my dad. 

It's his birthday this coming Sunday. He would have been 90 years old this year. I am planning on having a family Zoom meeting with my mom's side of the family. I will watch one of my dad's movies for his honor. I really miss him this year. 

I really want my family in close proximity again. I'm tired of being scattered. I need someone close by to escape to whenever I start longing for those feelings of safety I had as a child. I guess I need some more therapy to deal with these feelings. I still see my therapist once a week. I see the psychiatrist on Saturday. It's just a med check. I guess I'm doing okay mentally. I feel a little hopeless at times, but that's nothing a cool million wouldn't solve. 

The Powerball is up to 1.5 billion. I want to win it. I have a lot of plans for it. I keep praying about it. But, all things in God's time, right? If it is His will that I should become a multi-millionaire then so be it. In the meantime, I am thankful for all that I do have. I'll admit it though, it's not enough. I'm still struggling financially. I am months behind on bills. I have to pay my electric bill today or it will be disconnected. I'm tired of deciding what to spend my $25 on, be it gas or food. With the new year coming up, I'll have to satisfy another deductible and pay for some prescriptions. I set aside $700 in my FSA at work, but that will go quickly. Let's just say, I'm tired of robbing Peter and Paul to pay Tom. It's not working anymore. 

But, still, I'm trying to maintain a positive attitude. Depression is so tiresome. I really don't want to spend anymore time in the rabbit hole. Besides, it gets me no where. So, I will put on my Christmas music and dance around the house with my cat. I'll try to enjoy Christmas eve and Christmas Day. I'm going to the 3 pm Mass on Christmas eve. I think April and I will be watching a lot of TV. Who knows? I plan to sleep a lot, catch up on my sleep. 

By the way, my grades are in from school. I got a solid B in both classes. Hooray for me!!! So, I guess this is Merry Christmas to you. Thank you for reading my blog. I hope you get something out of it. It's just a collection of random thoughts from a rather disturbed person. Not as disturbed as in the past, but still..

Peace Joy Love - B 

Sketches of a Bipolar Girl: The Art of Forgiveness

 

The dictionary defines forgiveness as a conscious decision to release resentment or vengeance towards someone who has harmed you, regardless of their deserving. It is not the act of forgetting or condone that harm. It simply means that you let go of any bitterness or resentment towards that person. 

I have a lot of people to forgive. I think we all have. I have harbored bitterness towards childhood bullies and people that I believe have wronged me somehow. Understandably, I have also harbored a deep hatred and anger towards those that have assaulted me. I carried this weight around for years. I even went so far as to hate myself and feel guilty for things that simply were not my fault. 

But I have learned to forgive. The first person I had to forgive was myself. I had to learn, after years of therapy, that I am a good and lovable person. I deserve to be loved and treasured. I am not a throwaway. I am not a monster. I am a child of God. God, who created me, loves me for myself. He knows my faults. He recognizes my shortcomings and loves me anyway. He gave me grace. So, I had to learn to give myself grace. Mistakes are not a sign of failure, but a lesson to learn. I make the necessary corrections and try again. That was the biggest thing I had to learn to do, try again. 

There were many times that I gave up on myself, on family, on God. I didn't believe I was worth the effort. I thought that I was a colossal mistake. I honestly believed that I wasn't wanted. My parents never said or did anything to make me feel this way, but I felt that way just the same. No one knew I felt that way. I never spoke about my pain. I isolated at a very young age. I thought if I was a good girl and stayed out of the way I would be loved. I was loved. I know that now. But, I would have denied it vehemently then if you had asked me. 

I've said it before, but I tried to take my own life several times. For some reason, I survived each attempt without any damage. The fact is, I saw each survival as a failure. I couldn't even kill myself, that's how pitiful I was. It didn't occur to me that my death would hurt anyone. I figured everyone would just get over it, and move on with their lives. It's only now that I realize that I must have caused my family a lot of anguish that I was so miserable and they couldn't help me. No one could help me. I had to help myself first. To do that, I had to forgive myself and trust God. He must have saved me for something. 

So, here I am now. Sometimes still reeling from my parents deaths. Trying to figure out what to do with my life. The fact that I am 60 years old only occurs to me when I try to make plans for my future. I want a house, but I don't have the body for the upkeep. I mean, I can't mow the lawn, etc. I could hire someone sure, but I don't have the money for it. If fact, I don't have the money for down payment for a house. I want a newer car, but again, I have a severe cashflow problem. In fact, Christmas this year is looking pretty bleak. 

I sometimes get angry at my parents for dying. I wasn't done with them yet. I still depended on them daily for support. I called my mom at least once a day to check in, and my dad at least once a week. I would call to get my "phone hug". When they died, I was left without that support. I had no one to go to anymore. Sure I still have my sister, but she is not a touchy feely person, so no hugs from her. My brother yelled at me about 6 months afterwards, basically telling me to get over it. So, I started calling my Aunt Gloria once a week. She was my mom's best friend and dad's cousin. She became my support system. I tell her all my problems. I'm starting to reach out to my other aunts and uncles for support now. It's kind of hard, but I'm learning to trust them. I don't do it more often because I don't want to seem so immature and needy, even though that's sometimes the way I feel. 

So, how do you forgive a dead person. My therapists suggests writing a letter. I've done that a few times. I told my my mom about how her illness affected me, and how I blamed her for driving my dad away. But, that's not the truth. At least I hope not. I never did have that conversation with my father. It's a regret. But I forgive my mom for being sick and I forgive my father for not being able to deal with it. Loving a mentally ill person is very difficult. I know this now. I guess now I should make a list of things I need to forgive and write them done to get them off my heart. It was suggested I write it on a rock and throw them into a lake or pond. That sounds like a really good idea. I think I may do that to close out 2025. This has been a pretty sucky year, and unless something miraculous happens, it will end on a not so great note. The theme for 2026 will be openness. I will open my self to new experiences and seek an adventure. I will continue to open my heart for love. I will continue to hope. 

Peace Joy Love-B